current musical selection: Monster Magnet - God Says No

its raining outside.... really this is my favorite weather... i dont like the humidity in the 90% region-- but i do love it when it rains. gloomy-doomys.. thats pretty much my cup o' tea... cept i dont drink tea.. tea sucks ass....

"fireing in my friend, but i come back again and again... i just cant pretend, one more step and ill start bend..... i tried to live, then god says no
we go on our way; just waiting for that lucky day.....i tried every way, just so that god can blow me away"

ive come to realize a few things lately.... i was talking with a long time friend the other night; and i realized that no one ever wants to hear what i have to say. no no, its not her fault.. i mean really this is something so trivial enough that it never usually comes across my mind; but lately in conversations with multiple people, ive noticed it. i can mention something; and it doesnt matter. i can say a clever word; and i get a glare, then it resumes. i can try to be sympathetic and just listen and all will go fine; until i make a conjecture, change of subject, or mark of advice; then it grinds to a halt. really interesting how fluidly the conversation will wing around my attempt to speak.

"scary thoughts, wishing we were dead... you wont get caught unless you are queer... then youll be ready for the new frontier.
its good to be bad; its the best time youll ever have.... what the hell is this ultra fad.... just play it cool, and lets work on our ass.. you start to laugh, then god says no"

i guess its always been interesting to me how people tend to express their feelings. alot of what people think is so complex, to me settles out being rather trivial. maybe thats too condescending; and maybe thats just right... seems to me people make big, big predicaments over small occurances or events that really no longer warrant any thought. granted, im not removing myself from this category; sure some of my past actions did seem, in retrospect, pointless to worry about... and really from that perspective its all and all rather pointless for me to have said or done anything, with circumstances standing as they did. but people it seems arent that way. people seem to need something to be catastrophic, something so big and debilitating that they must triumph through it all, and only with near mystical prowess and perserverance, will they truely live on... even after bobby never called them back last night, when he said he would. trivial shit indeed.

"I need some love, to start the show... but ask just once, and god says no...a point of life flies through my head; a scary thought like I was someone else... adn dont get lost now and show no fear; then youll be ready for a new frontier..."

maybe im not as compassionate as my peers would suggest i need to be. maybe ive just grown up while theyve only grown in. i can recollect when i thought things were a mess... honestly they might have been, with all the circumstances that id put myself into, but wholey they were my own.... my own mistakes, my own misgivings, my own illusions... and much like the song goes, "I bought me an illusion, and i put it on the wall.. i let it fill head with dreams, and i had to have them all... but oh the taste is never so sweet as what youd beleive it is.. well i guess it never is" [partial lyrics to Guns N Roses "Locomotive" from the Use Your Illusion 2 album---post edit S.A] but even despite of all that, i rarely turned my frustrations against another, and very, very seldomnly admitted what was going on to others; and only then in the closest of confidence to friends... to me it never became a nightly show... or the only topic of oratation... maybe thats the difference.. i really never let myself hose people with my own self doubts, pitty and remorse.. i had plenty of that for myself... some say i still do.

maybe its my own rules to the game, but i think proper edicate of conversation, especially when confronted with emotionally laden tales, is to allow some else to talk. yes yes i suppose you should dam the river before the lake, but what are you really expecting this other person to do with the baggage you drop on them? if you dont want it returned, dont bring it to them. own up to yourself first.


ain't it fun~
s.

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all italics are the lyrics to the song "God Says No" by Monster Magnet
buy the album.. its goooooood shtuff