What do we do with our dreams?

Things of our dreams.  An Image I made some years ago. 

I had two very vivid dreams last night...  That is not out of the ordinary for me... but they were different than usual...   I woke up after the first one about 4 am...   it was about me making one of my goals, the second one was about making something mine.
I was on the mountain, standing there looking at all the flags going up and down the cliffs, in bright reds, whites and blues. Its an unfamiliar, foreboding place.  I was surrounded by strange people, speaking languages I can’t recognize. I could see how dark the edges of the rocks were all around me, and i could see it go on up above me, past the clouds.  I felt like I was nowhere. I was at Everest, at base camp on the Tibet / China side.  I can recognize it from pictures and documentaries, but in all the earth, this is its peak...  this is the hardest thing...  while I felt that I have come farther than I ever expected, I felt that l will never climb that mountain.  I stood at its foot and stared deeply into it.   Nothing I've ever felt in my waking life, felt like that... to stare into the abyss, to look upon it with favor, not disdain.  To be there with strangers and yet all alone before the summit of the highest point of the world.  The wind whipped so hard around me I couldn't hear anything but it and the banners snapping up the hills.  It was so surreal.  Even the smell of it was distinct.  I felt cold.  I felt weak.  I felt like my heart was giving out.  But I was there.  I remember that I walked to the edge of some bluff and looked out over nothing almost as far as I could see, and practically fell down on both knees before it.  Lost in thought, watching the flags and banners... the prayer cloths in the wind... the smoke going sideways from small fires... small little makeshift houses and buildings among the rocks and grass.  It was just open, nothing.  It was beautiful. It was beautiful because there was nothing, but there before me was the most majestic crag on this earth.  There was nothing stopping me from it except myself.   Somewhere a few minutes into being kneeled before it, is when I woke up.
A little miffed about waking up from that, I slowly drifted back to sleep.  I stopped to look at my phone, and noted it was 3:50am.
It became a little less typical of me to have a dream about everyday life.  I've definitely suffered from deja vu throughout my life.  I see small little pictures of things that I’ve come to realize weeks or months later are unfolding right before me.   As I grow older, I am experiencing longer bouts of it, but with less frequency.  As a kid, I saw a silver door knob, at a crooked angle: a month later in gym glass I fell, ramming my head into the wall, and sitting up I looked up to see that door knob. Other times I have seen road signs with sunsets behind them, or people walking and talking around me; all to find it all come true.  This time, it was a normal feeling.
I'm laying lengthwise on a brown leather couch [that I don't own], in a place that I don’t recognize [ie I don't own], but its clearly mine. My art is on the wall facing me. The walls are painted in colors I’d choose. Everything about this place feels comfortable to me. Its warm there. There is some sun light coming from behind me. And I feel that I belong. I hear a voice, softly, but don’t understand the words. I look down to realize I have someone laying in my lap covered in a blanket and she's staring up at me into my eyes.  I look at her and see she's biting her bottom lip.  She looks timid, but happy, and like she just woke up suddenly and was surprised to see me.  About as surprised as I was to see her like that.  The only thing I remember was reaching down, grabbing her with my left hand and squeezing her right where her but meets the back of her leg, as she rolls over. I begin brushing her hair out of her face with my right hand as she keeps looking at me with her big eyes. I keep my hand on the right side of her face, as I feel her rush in to kiss me.  I see her eyes close as our noses and foreheads touch and I kiss her.  It feels like the most romantic thing I have ever done in my life, and I feel her tears with my right hand, even though I know she is completely happy. That's when I wake up.   I don't have romantic dreams.  I just don't.  And so much of what was in this makes me wonder why I had it.  I wonder if that's a dream, or that's something that's going to come true.
Today, as I'm talking to my lawyer, I get an email with pictures of the inside of this condo I'm looking at buying sent from my realtor.  When I saw the layout, I realized where I've seen it.  Change the couch, change the pictures, change the paint... its that place.  After I left the office, I sat at lunch, looking through my email today, finding myself staring at the pictures. I wanted to cry.  Because there is so much in that dream I want to make real.
What do we do with our dreams?
Can you recycle dreams?  Can you save them? How do we even remember them… most times they fade so fast from us as we wake, we never can hold on to them.    When we are taken places we’ve never been and end up there in our dreams, how do remember that later in life if we get there?  How do we ever convince someone else what our dreams are, and how you know things from dreams? How do we transform our dreams into our memories?  That’s the secret to life.  How do you make that real, when you see it, when you feel it, when you know it, and its right there and you can do it… even when you cant, you dreams take you there. 

Conrad said,

"There were moments when one's past came back to one, as it will sometimes when you have not a moment to spare to yourself; but it came in the shape of an unrestful and noisy dream, remembered with wonder amongst the overwhelming realities of this strange world of plants, and water, and silence. And this stillness of life did not in the least resemble a peace. It was the stillness of an implacable force brooding over an inscrutable intention. It looked at you with a vengeful aspect. I got used to it afterwards; I did not see it any more; I had no time. "

/// S

Ripples in the reflecion

its  probably for the best that i get in the habbit of doing more regular efforst at reflection on myself.   i think the danger always is, to look at the ripples in my own self reflection, rather than the image i see at large.  thats the danger for all of us, in the end.

i look back at the past few weeks and think to where i was.  mentally and physically i was fresh.  i was open.  i was beaten to putty.  i think, the in past few, im the lump thats started to spin on the potters wheel.  im not much of anything yet.  i dont have a defined form.  im taller... im smoothed.... but im not anything anyone wants on a shelf quite yet.   

analogies aside, i was lost.  i suppose i could have died, dumping my car in a ditch headfirst like that. i know, mentally, i was close to breaking up.  everything kept building and without any relent, i knew the dam was going to break.   but ever so slowly, some of the water receeded, and i put holes in it where i had to.  mentally, i couldnt deal with my own health issues, my leadership roles, my own expectations, my relationships with others, and my relationship with one special person.  its hard to admit that.   its hard to say, i cant do it all, and i cant do it anymore.   i tell people, that the physical part of my life is the simplest to deal with now.  i know what has to get done.  i know what work i can do, and i can see my bodies response.  in my mind, i cant see that.  in my heart, i dunno if anyone else ever will.  and that makes is so much harder.  

i set off with some goals in a spiral notebook.  ill be damned if i cant do something, when i cant do anything / everything in my ilfe.  i joined the gym.  i sat and faced the doctors.   i accepted the fact that one day i am going to die.  i dont know when, but i want to put that farther down the road than i could ever hope to remember.  that meant doing the un-scott thing.  so now im hitting the gym, up to two hours at a time, now 4 times a week.   am i going to get burnt out? hell yeah.  am i doing everything right in the gym? ofcourse not.  am i making a committment to myself, and making progress? yes i am.  i know in a month now, and only a couple weeks at the gym, ive lost weight.  im eating completely differently too.  its a big difference in my health.  i hate it.  but i have to do it.  because i promised myself, to be around for a while.  

i took a few other goals down this past week.   i bought a tv yesterday.   people that know me, know ive never had a tv.  there was one in the house growing up, but since ive been an adult, since ive had my own bedroom, since ive moved out in to the world; i dont have one.  i thought i should change that.   i drove to chicago, went to my favorite electronics store, and dropped a grand on a tv.   i brought it home and found out its damaged... the screen is broken.  what kind of shit filled message is that?  the kind i expected really.  maybe im not supposed to have a tv.  thats karma.  keeping me in check.  i wanted one.  i wanted to make good on some changes in my life, but maybe its not for me.   so now, i have a very expensive table lamp until i get this resolved.   but i wasnt angry.  i punched my leg in frustration when i powered it on and saw it... but i let the anger pass me over.   i spent 25 minutes opening the box, unpacking parts, removing wrappers, reading the manual... before i even took the tv out.   an hour into it, i had it up and done and ready to go.   and i sat on the floor looking at it in disbelief.  i own a pretty bitchin, 55" tv.  i smiled.  i was happy for myself.  then i turned it on, and saw the giant crack and the jittery colors.   but i let the anger wash over me like the surf.  i didnt fight it, i just went under it, and came back up out of it.  its ok.  its a tv.  whats another few weeks, that 16 years didn't already do to me?  

goals are like that.   i realize some of my goals are incredible.  some are pretty mundane.  some just seem stupid or scathingly out of touch for most people.  but its about me.  its about the changes i needed to make all along.  its about knowing where i was at and seeing where i want to go in the next five years.  maybe a tv was getting greedy by a bit too much.

i spent part of the night seeing friends in chicago land.  real friends.  even they remarked on how different i feel now.  that felt good to hear.  its hard for some people to deal with me and understand it.  people that have known me for decades get it.  everybody knows parts of my story, but no one except me, really knows it all anymore.  i wish i could forget alot of it some nights.  i know, that nights like this are what changes that.  looking at where i am to see where im going.  something are big milestones... like making that strong effort to be at the gym at four am some days. its about making promises and keeping them. there are so many other goals i want to look at and work on.

there are so many things i have left to do in my life, and a short time to do any of it. it has been about my heart though. its the most troublesome thing for me to fix. doctors deal with it. my rinpoche tinkers at it. i dont know know what im even doing with it. But we all agree ill die from it. I will dies from it because i dont listen to my heart. thats a physical health thing. thats a gut check thing about living the right way. That's about about love too. its about me needing to get past so many of the things ive written about over the years, or eluded to at least. i cant be alone anymore in this world. now that i know what im heading to, i need someone more than ever in my life. the next five years are going to be the most challenging and change riddled of my life. that much is clear; i need some stability. i need someone to tell me when im right and when im wrong. and its not too much to ask to have someone to kiss or cry with, is it? It comes down to so many experiences that will happen, I'm selfish to not want someone to share this with. Especially the one person that stepped up and said she loved me. Even if i didn't believe it then, I need to now.

just as much as the tv was a overshoot... maybe thats what im looking at with this too. maybe it was a bridge too far. i always said, i knew id die alone because there probably wasn't ever anyone out there to love me. i love people. I've deeply loved several women. not a one has ever said she loved me. 30 years on this earth and it hadn't happened. I've handed out rings. Ive bought gifts. ive been there to give away some of them to other men. Nothing. Then someone said it. And I was confused and not ready for it. Here I am now asking myself why I wasn't ready then. its a big step to get what i want. that tv was a big step. i could have just picked up a junky 20" tube tv from craigslist for 20 bucks. i wanted something for me. it cracked and fell apart before it was mine. i guess thats a metaphor for something else in my life related to love, right now. maybe it had cracks in it before i could find a way to make it mine, and maybe the cracks were mine showing through.

it makes me sad to think that some of my goals, that I'm so happily crossing off... have to get whited out and put back on the page. i want to see a list of things getting done. i want to see change and progress in my life that tells me all the struggle is making a difference. in the end, its pushing people away from me i wanted to keep. people struggle seeing eye to eye with me. and even i don't understand myself some days anymore. in that respect, i have to go back and put a lot of me back on the page, on a layer of white out. its hard seeing the lines in the ripples of our own self reflection. but its necessary. and its the only way out of all this for me.


S

Something Else I Had To Change

Life is full of change.   Lately, I’ve done nothing but second guess myself at every turn.   Seemingly, I can’t do anything right.   I can’t make my boss understand that, I can’t let myself relax, I can’t seem to tell people how I care about them, and even my doctors are telling me I can’t seem to get it together.  Its so exhausting to seem like a failure at every level, all at the same time.

Today I took a quick step off to the side to fix one problem.  All while I’m listening to Ziggy Stardust bemoaning “five years, its all we’ve got,” I realize I have to make changes.   As much as I want to talk about and fix the other things first… especially my relationship with Someone else, I know this is probably the most important thing I need to do.   The cardiologist was quite unhappy with my “progress.”  It has to change.

I took my most recent stress test in mid December, following a nasty run of shit at work… way too much overtime and stress… during an already stressful holiday time of year, where I’m not eating right, I’m exhausted, and I had a huge personal falling out with Someone very important to me.  No kidding Doc, I look like shit!  I feel like shit.   But I don’t feel like I’m going to have another heart attack.  He isn’t so certain about the future.  We talked about the heredity, my awful genetics, my age, my previous condition, my arrhythmia, my stress, my exhaustion, and my diet.   There wasn’t a lot of positives in that conversation for me to hear.

In a way, I needed to hear it all of it.  I heard it all before.  But I was never really ready to listen to it.  Here I am, absorbing it like a sponge today.   So much changed in so little time, within myself, I needed to hear it again.  On one hand, I needed to hear how lucky I’ve been so far.  But I needed to hear what I need to put work into going forward.  My body isn’t going to keep up with what I do to it for the next thirty-years, If its like the last thirty.  That’s the message.  That’s the inside, high and tight pitch at my helmet. 

So, we talked about who to see, and what to do.  So today, I walked in, prepaid a year of gym membership, and called in a consult with a recommended trainer from my cardiologist.  Larry and I sat down and talked briefly, while he got some of my medical charts faxed in.  He thinks its doable.   He said, that once he heard me talk about what I need in my life, he said he’s convinced I could do about anything.  That’s excellent news.  That’s something that takes a few wrinkles out of your soul, after feeling like its been crumpled up and stomped on the last few months.

Larry wants to get me in and run me through a bunch of shit to see what I’m really like.  He told me the medical stress test results aren’t what he reads for progress or improvement.  I got to start somewhere.  He agrees it shouldn’t take much refresher for me.  Having worked out extensively for baseball, rehabbing leg injuries, and the whole ROTC time frame, he thinks its going to come back to me pretty quick.   He told me that the long term motivation is what most people lose. I told him my three motivating things for my life right now.  He didn’t know what to say!

I have to look at making myself stronger and better from the inside out.  I told him that I have to understand me and live with me the rest of my life.  The longer I live, the better I will get at that.

I told him I’m scared of dying thinking I left too much behind that I could have accomplished.  I worry that I’m wasting time in my life, instead of valuing it.  The things I want I need to start working for, to see all the effort will tell me I worked hard enough to earn  what I get in the end.

Lastly, I told him I’m motivated by one other person.  She means enough to me that I have to make some changes in my life.  Even if its hard, or it scares us, we need to realize that we really effect and mean that much to each other.  Its important for me to let that happen, and be there for that change for both of us.

Larry thinks I’ve got solid motivation.  Now he wants to see my sweat.  

So I joined the gym.  I prepaid the year and for Larry.  But it’s a commitment to all of those things and myself.   Its time that something else had to change for me.

 

S

Down In A Hole

I just had the most religious experience of my life, in a ditch for the last hour and a half….

And I mean that.

 

Many of you know that I’m in a bit of a crisis of my life lately.   I’ve probably talked too much at length about it.  But its a lot of things coming to me at once.  Today, I just thought I’d roll past a farm house for sale on the way home.   Its Iowa, its winter, it isn’t out of the ordinary.  So I didn’t think much of snow and blowing conditions.

As I went down a back sand/gravel road, the wind swept up; it game me an instant white out of everything, and I was tobogganing down into a ditch cut about 3 feet below the road surface.  It was that quick.   Somehow, I didn’t roll.   I was upright.  And that was miracle.  Without the snow plowed into the ditch, I should have rolled over my front right corner and flipped it.  But I was fine.   But I had snow packed up to the windshield.  What do I do?   I get angry.   I punched the steering wheel.   I shut the engine off, and tried to open the door.   No good.   There is so much snow drifting and blowing, I cant open it.  I start climbing across the passenger seat to get out and look at it.  

As I’m standing there, knee deep in the drifts, I see several problems.  First.  The road falls off to nothing in about 3 inches.  I will have to climb maybe 20” height straight up with no running start to get on the road.  The fenders didn’t even line up with the level of the road.  That’s a problem.   Second.  There is so much snow, I could see the shape of the undercarriage of the jeep like a long snow fort where I had plowed through it.  As I climbed to the front, I had snow packed into the grill, so far under the differential I was high spotted, and just wet grassy mud under that.   Third.  There isn’t anything out here.  

Of course I start swearing.   I go with anger.   That didn’t move any snow.   So I go to the tailgate and dig out the e tool, and toss the rubber floor matts out the windows, and start digging.   I spent 10 minutes to clean the drivers side front axle out.  I noticed there is so much snow and grass packed together, that’s what kept my wheels straight going down in the ditch.   Another 10 minutes to clean the passenger side and I realize Ill have a lot more digging to do to clear it if I intend on driving forward…. Ill end up trying to plow 3 feet of packed drift who knows how far.  I keep digging to the back and decide to try it.

At first when I get it, I cant start the jeep.   I panic a bit.  I realize I left it in gear.  I start it back up, and start to work.   After 10 minutes, I was able to get the Grey Ghost to gain some traction and move about 15 feet forward, and angle to the road when I stopped.   I got out to realize I’m plowing snow, and I’m shredding mud and grass everywhere.   I take a few minutes to air down the tires… I let the pressure drop 20 pounds of pressure out of each wheel.   I know my odds are going up of breaking a bead and losing a tire at that point if I catch something hard.  But I’m getting desperate.   I’d driven Big Red out of worse.   I should be able to get out.  

So I go back to work digging.   I stopped to call my Mom, and let her know where I am at.  Then I called the first 5 tow truck places on Google.   No ones coming for me.  I look around, after I put my phone down, and realize how lost I am.   I’m stuck.   I have my ruck, I’ve got food and water.   I’ve got my sleeping bag that I never took out from Chicago in January, and I even have my pistol.  Its amazing to think how prepared I actually was to be there.   Yet, I still wouldn’t get calm to do the right things.    If the jeep blew up.  I would have been in better shape, than just driving it back on to the road.

I jumped out in the ditch and blowing snow and dug some more.  I kept going until my legs were too cold to take it.  I started it up, and rocked away.   She wasn’t going anywhere this time.  I kept sliding laterally, and I couldn’t get going forward or backwards at all… I knew I was right against the edge of the roadway that sat about even with the hood.  I got out to look around… without any trees or brush, I couldn’t make a ladder for it either. I burnt a hole in a floor mat, when I walked around again to look at options.   This time I was stuck.   Its too deep.  Its too much to get it up without any recovery point, and I’m only 2 feet from the road. 

That’s when the metaphor hit me.  Right there in the blowing snow.  I am so fucking close to being on the road.  I’m so close to staying on it, that I can get blown off without me keeping to the path.  Everything in my life is that way right now.  Its me.  Its work.  Its living.  Its dealing with death.  Its telling someone I love her, for the first time in years.  But that’s where I’m at.  Just at the edge of the road, and its so hard to climb up and out.

I sat down and shut the door.   In an hour and change, no one had some by.  No cars.  Back behind me is a barn about 500 yards out.   I started thinking about packing out and hiking it.  I was frustrated.  Just like my life, I’m looking for answers or hints.  I stopped and reached up to my dash and took my beads and thought it through for a minute. 

My beads are not rosary.  They are not Muslim cleric.  They aren’t even my Lakota prayer set.   They were sent to me by my Rinpoche.  Lately, I carry them with me a lot.  They sit right on top of my dash as I drive.  But as soon as I took them, and I thought about it.  I calmed down.  I was open to it.  I let go of my anger.   Then I saw headlights in the mirror. 

I want to say that car was coming anyhow.  I want to say, I had hours to work and find a way out.   Or I could have just given up and walked.  I was prepared for it all.   But I am not prepared to sit and wonder.  All the things I’ve done wrong, happen then.  When I dropped my anger, when I accepted my place at that moment, I realized how close I was to being on the path.   I realize that if I was open to it, love will be there.   I have denied that too long.   If I was open to it, I could find my way out, but if I fought it and kept digging I will sink farther.   If I was prepared I would be safe regardless, If I failed to follow my plans I would still be stuck.  It was only when I stopped to accept it, would I get the true answer. 

In a matter of moments, someone about my age in a pick up truck drove up, and with out asking jumped down to the ditch asking me how I intended to get out.  I told him to give me tug.  He laughed and started digging for some tow straps.  How does all this work out?   When I trust I to.  When I let go of it and trust, it will be made so.    We went to work digging and fastening the strap to the passenger side front axle.   And I just put it in gear.   When the slack was pulled, it took a slight pull and I was rolling forward and up… I started to get excited, and it hung up.   I felt my jeep pulling to the left; turning perpendicular to the road, and I just knew to take the chance to downshift, throw it right and hammer on.  I could have rolled it again.  I should have.  The whole damn thing should have been upside down at this point.   But she rolled right up over the edge and onto the road.  It took the man by complete surprise as he jumped out waving.  I got out calmly to look at things.  Nothings broke.  Nothings damaged.   The trim is scraped up a bit.   I have grass and snow packed mud on everything.  But she’s all right on the road. 

As we pulled apart the two strap and unshackled it from his hitch, I asked him frantically for his name or his number.  I handed him 80ish dollars from my wallet… its all I had.  He wouldn’t take it.  He wouldn’t take my business card.   He wouldn’t even tell me his name.   Then he looked at me, shook my hand, and said, “just pay it forward in your life to someone else some day.”   That’s how I realized how close I am to being on the path.  With that he waived at me, and said “try to keep it on the road,” and he drove off. 

I sat there in the road stunned for a few minutes.  Its so important to have these moments.   I stopped and took my beads and thought about all of that again in the middle of the road, and drove the way home with them on my hand.   I still don’t know any more answers to my questions, but I have a lot more faith in getting onto the road and staying on it, after today.

More Things

If you haven't noticed, you must be new here....

So I did some rudimentary updates to the blog format.   It has been long overdue.  I don't care to look when I last modified this [but Google does keep track of that crap, I've noticed!] but we can agree its been quite some time.   I had to cut half the links out; most of these people never really consented to it in the first place, and the rest are dead ends.   Its definitely time to move on and do some cleaning.

Recent Going’s On’s

Among other things, I’ve been placing several irons back in the fire.   Several of my longtime projects are getting kicked back up the priority chain…   Obviously, reviving my blog here has been part of that.  
Secondly, my second [pun] blog,  BuyMeABurrito.blogspot.com , has been getting some key time as well.   This is all about eating.  Foodies better come rolling in!   It was out of necessity of trying to find a descent burrito in all my travels.   Sure, I can name several in Texas, Mexico and California… even some I frequent in the Quad City area that local for me, but this blog is purely about answering the question; Where can I Buy Me A Burrito?!?!  Expect about a half dozen entries by mid summer.  My goal is to start ripping off an entry a month [if I can travel that much!], always love feedback.  Besides, its about food that’s fucking amazing.
Third, I was a special attraction [read: circus clown] on a semi active podcast about World of Warcraft, the Grand Old Podcast.   I had been the featured artist from which the show had been pulling artwork for their web notes of the episodes.  I was drug on to be me for a little while, tell some stories [most of which ended up being edited out, thankfully] and talk about my art.   Turns out some people on the internet find me interesting… like a car wreck.   So I can announce we are formulating a semi regular sit down.  We are aiming for once a month, maybe more.  Pretty much me getting turned loose on hot microphones for a few hours.  It’s a good experience, and I’m excited to be a part of it! 
Fourth, I am going through all of my noted technology upgrades so I can really put more focus into my art.  Photography is something I really enjoy and would love to set my life and livelihood around.  Those of you that know me, know I’m not interested in doing weddings and newborns; but expose on life and landscape is just fine.  My hard art [read fuzzy images] have gotten some listening and murmurings from some art directors and museum directors, so I need to listen to that.  At some point I have to jump if its anything near me to grasp… hoping the next few months that can happen. 
/S

More Windows 8 Fun

Well my grocery list of problems is quickly shortened after a full day of research in Windows 8. 

At the moment my concerns are:

• transferring iTunes library and iphone/ipad backups
• transferring photo catalog and Lightroom databases
• review of missing plug ins for Lightroom and Mozilla
• last sweep of old XP installation for programs to reaquire

The good news is; I would say I’ve already met about 80% of my computing needs as is.  I could always start over with my Lightroom catalog [although I’d rather not!], and the photos are backed up and can be sucked backwards from the NAS unit as well… but iTunes is my biggest hurdle.  

From what I’ve read, iTunes is a pain in the ass to move if you have manually edited your music library and save data.  That means me.  Its also a royal pain in the ass because it’s a closed vault system, with everything encrypted in one large cluster-fuck file format [save data].  So if there are any expert migrators with iTunes success, I’m all ears.  

So far though; I'm pleased with the progress.   The power consumption of the new hardware is incredibly low for the features I have. It reboots from the suspend state in seconds… which is jaw dropping compared to XP or even Vista.  And the cold boot process is probably around 30 seconds—of which about 8 seconds sits and waits for the bios to load and pass before rolling into Windows.

My core I5 at 3.4ghz is humming along, 16gb of ram doesn’t seem taxed in the least [although I am going to double it shortly!] and I have a second 2tb disk waiting to get dropped in the bays.   Once I decide what the fate of the old beige box will be, there are two more 2tb drives to migrate into blackie black box.  At this point, I’m considering keeping the XP install as it is, and adding a Linux install on the beige box.  If I go that route, I will be adding in a kvm to the mix to alternate.  At this stage the worst piece of hardware in there is the on-board graphics. I hadn’t planned on doing a lot of gaming anymore, and I know nothing about the changes in GPUs' and slots for that… Plus, it seems to render all the environment without issue, and crunches photo data without complaint.   Cross my fingers; this is working out well.

A lot of my initial frustration with the OS has to do with the complete redesign.  But the widgets are really growing on me.  If the availability was a bit wider; or if I learned how to code what I wanted; it would be great!  The biggest disappointment has been Google of all people… they still deny the existence of Windows 8 widgets so it seems.   Actually per a short interview, http://news.cnet.com/8301-1023_3-57558839-93/google-no-immediate-plans-for-google-apps-on-windows-8/ The G unit feels there isn’t demand for any of their services that aren’t satisfied by cloud computing needs.  I disagree.  I really feel this would benefit from a quick, light weight Chrome window to run at the start screen, as well as a Google Drive process start screen.  Lets be honest, both of their major competitors in the cloud drive market are here with apps of their own [Dropbox and Microsoft's SkyDrive], and with Microsoft populating the experience in email and calendar, two more key area’s I prefer Google services, I really feel this is an oversight on Google’s part.  From the horse’s mouth:

"Our goal is to be able to offer our users a seamless app experience across all platforms and want to make our products available to as many people as possible," the representative said. "We're always evaluating different platforms, but have no detailed plans to share at this time."

Google Apps include Drive, Docs, Sheets, and Slides, as well as Gmail and Calendar.   [-- From Cnet article by Casey Newton.]

Not knowing what the licensing has to be for using the apps/widget process in Win8, I would still expect that the cloud sourced options of Google Docs would buy up a shitload of market share… as Microsoft still charges for Office 365 product line, and even it doesn’t have a descent app/widget.  Google could be king, steamrolling Microsoft at their own game, on their own platform. 

New and {Less?} Improved on Windows 8

Its been a while since ive posted anything…    so it should stand to merit, that while im here, there better be a good damn reason.

 

Ive migrated to windows 8.  

 

 

Let that simmer.  

 

This is the first new OS install Ive done since 2004ish.   Yikes.   While I have refreshed that install of Windows XP several times, and my laptop runs Vista [still, for now…], I haven’t even updated my linux format in years…. this has been a big jump.   After stupidly deciding to build my own machine, I also erred again by opting for Windows 8.   It’s a complete mistake to think you can acquire, assemble, and out price any PC manufacturer in the modern age.   With comparable parts, and without a copy of Windows, I was sitting just over 200 bucks over the off the shelf edition by Asus.  By the time I add a license, I’m approaching 300 dollars.  Again, I like doing things…  I like assembling… I like tinkering…. but I hate wasting money.   So by the time Windows 8 rolls around….   eessh…     I feel at a big loss.

 

I decided on it, rather than Windows 7; simply because of the age of the product.   Think about it: in its own environment, I could probably make Windows 98 work for what I do.  But when you start coupling services, protocols, and software demands on it; you move several steps forward.   I had been running Windows XP for years….  YEARS.  It was time to move on.  If I was going to bite the bullet, why spend as much on technology that’s already 3 years behind the curve… so I went Win8.  Thinking that future proofing myself was the best case scenario; and recalling that when I first installed Project: Whistler, in college [what became NT, what begot Win XP], I was on bleeding edge then as well.   If 8 serves me half as well, I’ve done my job with it.   Cross fingers..

 

Its been an upside down experience to say the least for the last 24 hours.   But im writing from a native blogging app; which should help me get back on the road to posting… stay tuned.  

 

Nothing about Windows 8, on face value, has much of anything to do with previous versions of the platform.   I'm finding that the root functionality does exist, but its been buried.  The new slick operation of widgets, [they call Apps], to run from the Start [button] screen, are a clusterfuck of confusion for the newcomer.   But a day later, I’m genuinely beginning to appreciate them. 

 

also follow my twitter stream…     tagged #win8 for my exploits!

http://twitter.com/alvarado_scott

 

 

**UPDATE***

 

 

I finally dropped some music into the stock player….  and seriously… who forgot the volume control????

 

I like my Black Sabbath loud, and I love it Dio… But a loud Ozzy, with no means other than rip out my line jack… not so good.   Oversight?   I think so.   Put in a fucking volume slider in the app.   Don’t make me flip through 18 metro tiles to change it in software!

http://qctimes.com/news/local/former-mayor-pleads-guilty-to-theft-charges/article_b5a86eba-d7f9-11e1-be68-001a4bcf887a.html

Its not every day, in every city, a former cop/ former mayor gets to plead guilty for theft.     Not only theft, but while working for a pawn shop in the downtown area....  Not only for a pawnshop, but falsifying records for fake pawns, then pocketing about 10k in cash.    Yeah.  Thats a Quad Cities kind of day.  Keep it classy out there folks.


Hello Quad Cities!!!!

[M]uch ado about [M]irrors

Earlier this week Canon officially announced its newest eye-porn, bank drainer; the EOS-M.   This is M for mis-nomer, M for more money, and M is for moniker.


 From what I experience, people seem to think removable lenses yield better results [image quality].  Secondly people want smaller, lighter products that are less to man handle.   I get that too.  I get tired of dragging 40 pounds of gear with me at times. Lastly we all want sexy.   So camera manufacturers must make it sexy.   So what do we do?  If we're the camera industry we find a way to marry the two ideas, and give you neither of what you want, but make it look drop dead sexy.   Enter the mirrorless, and Canon M platform.


I'm a Canon-ite.  I openly admit this.   I love their gear.   Its not what I learned on, but I've made the switch for many reasons; and one of which is the availability of glass.  Canon of course makes great glass for their own systems.  The difference is the availability of OTHER manufacturers glass.  Huh?  Competition.  Back in the dark [room] ages, lenses were not interchangeable, and were unique mounts mainly because of the intricacy of making a system operable.   Focal lengths to the image plane had to very widely with the unending sizes of film available; as well as the ridiculously small apertures people were shooting through.  Add in the 35mm film cell standard, and 40 years of mechanical intervention, and we start to see some realy thought and technology invested into the platforms.   Competition isn't far off now, is it?   So all the other manufacturers learned image quality was half film/recording state, and half [or more] optics getting that light to the image recording plane.  So while making your own lens was nice, it became a revenue stream.  And where there's money, there is people willing to make money.  So some manufacturers decided to start working their products fit onto other manufacturers products; or simply quit the camera business and focus on the optics portion of the game [remember, we'd standardized to 35mm film by this point, and the film companies we not pressed to re-invent the film until the needs existed], so as glass quality went up, so did the demands on film.  Rangefinder style cameras had to go away nearly over night once they met the might 35mm slr platforms that started gaining popularity in the late 1960's.   Especially by the time of the calculated program metering 1970s and 80s hit, glass was king.  Now the camera did much of the work of evaluating exposure, and to do it correctly it had run the light through the glass you were using to make the evaluations.  Sounds great, who gives a fuck?

That pushed out those precious rangefinders.  Rangefinder camera systems did not use the light coming through the lens to make calculations; and if they did [read late 1970s, and modern digital Leica platforms] you still weren't able to see what the lens saw.  All of the field of view was approximated.   Slr's used a flipping mirror action that routed light to your eye to see what the lens saw, then flipped to let light pass through to the film / recording plane.  All of that wonder and splendor added a mechanical contraption that is prone to failure and excessive mechanics.  Keep in mind, if its not light tight, pictures are ruined, image evaluation is faulty [at best], and you get a frustrating day of not taking pictures.   For what they were worth, rangefinders were still mechanically simpler [even if drastically difficult to reassemble yourself], with fewer failures, in a smaller package, and gave slightly sub par, but similar performance to slr's.  But to improve on their photographic value, few manufacturers spent time developing glass for the rangefinders, and moved into the revenue stream of making new slrs.  Those that did remain, come with cumbersome bayonet and screw threads to detach lenses from the body, and were very limited in angle and aperture.  Slr's took all the development, all the cookies, and your piggy bank.

Come to the modern era.  Now that film is gone, why does it matter if the same light is brought through the lens to your eye?  For several years we have had great success with live-view systems, where the light hitting the sensor is displayed on the digital screen on the back.  I use it frequently for critical focus and metering myself.  Why is that damned mirror still there?   The industry first tried removing it about 8 years ago with the micro 4/3rds platform.    Which took a smaller sensor, a smaller overall physical product, and added industry standard mounts so anyone could make glass for any platform.   Lens makers could make lenses.  Camera makers could make cameras.  Digital sensor engineers could work their magic.  For companies like Nikon, and Canon, this was a no go.  Wheres the piggy bank at when you don't sell your own lens?  Its in someone else's pocket now.    But just like 40 years ago, people still desire a simple alternative to take better pictures, with limited means of adaptability.  

Whats killing the micro 4/3rds platform is the lack of big names.  Canon and Nikon.  So they sit and wait.  Now we are the present.  With Nikon running out its own platform last year, Canon plays catch up this year with its own.  This new toy starts out with a proprietary lens mount.   Why?  Because consumers want that!  Bullshit.   I don't.   Nikon and Canon want that.    People want to get better image quality than a cellphone and point and shoot; so we'll brand this new toy with the EOS moniker.  Why?  Because we will steal the sensor from the slr line, thats why!  So now people have the quality of the slr, but how do we make it smaller?   We gut the mirror.  So now we have our sexy M moniker, mirrorless.   We've made half the battle up at this point.

To get the money M in there, we can just shrink the mount by 5 millimeters, and make it electronically different.   Poof.   Since no one else can make glass, we make money.   So its about money.  Isn't it?  Noooo  this is cheaper! Its simple.  Its small.  How can it cost more?   Well with a lens it will set you back 900 bucks.   You can buy the same slr they ripped this image sensor from, that weights about 1.5 times as much, and is an inch thicker, with available and varied glass, for half of that price.  Its about money.  The EOS M:oney model is born.  

Notice, I haven't even touched it.  I don't care to.  I love my rangefinders.  I love my slr's  But I love them for two different reasons.   I don't want a complicated lens system and changing bag for my rangefinder.  I want a streamlined, analog, approach that isn't always laser precise.  I want my slr for a bag of options, for ways to solve challenging lighting, with precision.  I don't want the peanut butter in my ice cream.  Canon is betting I don't.  Its a complete mis-nomer to have a small, lightweight system; that necessitates a bag full of glass to get anything done.   Besides which, to gain the complexity of control over the image sensor overly complicates the experience for someone that wants to make quick photos.  But its selling you the idea that this is better than a point and shoot [minus that its MORE encumbering and expensive], and looks like its equal to an slr [it isn't] in performance.  Quite the misnomer.   Then the loyal Canon buyer either gets to play with a limited amount of expensive lenses [2 as of right now] that are of questionable quality [definitely not up to the L glass standard!], or buy a stupid mount adapter that will affect your image quality.  $hit.

People are floored that I'm mad about a new Canon product.  Its just so pointless.  Its a category that doesn't really make sense, but will make some money for Canon.  But it runs the risk of alienating consumers [by the complexity and price tag for essentially a point and shoot], and limiting the creativity by limiting the lenses available.   Make a damned micro 4/3rds mount instead.   Show off your optical resolve that way.  Make consumers flock to you to buy your glass, instead of giving them a reason to go somewhere else.   The only reason you have with the M platform: no one else makes any!   

What flows into my mind

... Often drips onto the page.

I think that I'm rapidly approaching burnout stage. They have me working hard for many hours doing far too many things for far too little money. I miss seeing the sun. Miss having days off really good call friends or even read my email. Anymore you Indian to sit down and eat dinner while the sun is or have two hours to do laundry is a luxury I don't have. And it's all so very depressing to consider what I become to make a company more than what it was six weeks ago. I'm trying hard to be impartial; but the addition of the store the size and magnitude built and staffed doesn't go unnoticed. It's been on the front page of both newspapers several times. Television advertising is hard to miss at normal levels; but now during grand opening its unbearable. But people are excited to come give their money away. And uncle John is more than happy to take it. Accountable people that you need to stand there and take it, are the truest hard things to come by. Working 70 and 80 hour weeks indefinitely; it's not a good existence. And forget the money crap. From working all these hours the money doesn't justify my feet killing me. Or the fact that I'm practically a zombie.

A little bit of nothing

I'm posting this from my iPad. Yes. I am that guy now. I will say that bloggers app is terrible for iPad and only mediocre for the iPhone. I've used it off and inform a while on my phone to some success; but its downright awful on the iPad. The humongous, highly detailed screen is useless when viewed like this. And stretched to its double size proportion it isn't winning any other beauty contests either. It's unfortunate at best. But I'm slowly delving into the world of iPad. It's clumsy at times but it's so refreshingly simple and elegant for about 90% of computing needs that I don't notice the flaws so much now. Hopefully I'll find a descent microphone option that is iPad happy to begin work on the podcast on the road. For now its a toy. And a simple way to view the web without a wait time. Typing. Typing can wait for a real keyboard though.

Adventures In Wet Shaving, Update

Since so many people have been asking me, through the typical quiet channels, I thought I might give a bit of an update on my adventures in wet shaving.  More importantly are my long form thoughts on the mechanical aspects.

 

What makes it wet?  New-comers like me may opine that it’s the blood.  That makes it sound like torture to most people.  Its half true.  Its not called wet shaving because of that, but in the beginning there has been a fair amount of bleeding!  Its wet because you need to use water and lather much more frequently than most disposable blades require, and nearly no electric razor on the market requires it [or functions correctly if you do use it!].  So already the key is quality and quantity of lather.  Coming from a disposable system mindset, gel based bullshit was ubiquitous for this purpose.  Getting past the garbage aerosol scent and reddi-whip appearance of Barbasol products, and graduating to the generic gels, gave the best results.  In fact, my favorite non gel form, made at one time Edge as a cream in an apothecary type tube, would have been my only trial in wet shaving… the rest of it is awful.  The gel products create a low friction point [good], but extremely thin and viscous.  Why?  Because they clog the 5 blade razors too quickly [bad].   I need to lower the point of friction, but not to nothing.  Some of that friction is important, I’ve found.

Friction in multi blade throw-away’s comes from two places: poor lubrication across multiple blades and cutting surfaces, and poor technique.  Both of those points, on a quality edge wet shaving system will gouge seams in your face like the ones on your jeans!  Since I’m relying on only one edged surface to cut with, the ability of the shaving creams or lathers must not run or flush too quickly from the surface; and since its only one edge, clogging between blades isn’t of any concern.  Granted, this razor will clog as well, but it takes considerably more material [wider blades, and more space available in the razor head], and you are constantly flushing the head of the razor with water to clear away the build up of lather from the non cutting surfaces.  As a down side [of sorts], I’m using considerably more lather than I had with a 5-blade throw-away.  A tall can of Fusion Gel lasted me MONTHS [six maybe?] with daily use.  That’s ridiculous, and I realize that.  However using more of the gel product didn’t make a difference in performance: the gel product was still thin, would still clog very quickly in the cartridge, and it didn’t change my poor habits.  And with the advent of built in lubrication strips [note to reader: if dissipating friction was not an issue, why are manufacturers putting these on the cartridges? Because their gel products clog the cartridge, in the attempt to continually atomize the particles to lubricate the growing number of cutting surfaces.  So they include lubrication that does not leave residue to clog, but that still acts as a friction modifier to the gel system].  In short, the fewer the cutting surfaces, the less you need to worry about keeping each lubricated to relieve friction problems.

A bit more about the blades is important before I get to technique. The cutting edge is honed to exacting specifications by these manufacturers, and ideally, the edge cuts as clean of a pass on one face as another.  So why doesn’t work like that?  Piss poor technique, and product engineering.  As the material the edge is made out of is thinned, and its composition is changed, the quality of the blade will change with it.  Softer material dulls quickly [rather, the edge folds and rolls or degrades against stronger materials], but harder / denser materials have less flexibility inherently.  Manufacturers must strike a balance to keep flexibility [to move with the round contours of the human face, and to stay some what forgiving when necessary], yet keep the edge honed to cut cleanly. 

Adding multiple blades became the fad, and it introduced thinner, flexible blades of softer material. Why? First and foremost, to sell more cartridges…  No shit.  As the edge dulls, you need to replace it, since it no longer cuts the hairs.  Seems simple, but people glaze past this point.  Part and parcel, adding multiple blades in a cartridge raised the price.  Now its about money, on recurring bases, balancing how quickly the edge dulls, multiplied by the price point of each sold cartridge unit, divided by the likelihood of the consumer to purchase replacement cartridges on a frequent recurrence.  But it also gives you the impression the blades weren’t flexible before; and in fact as a cartridge, they are less flexible now.  In the same idea as doubling up 2x4s to strengthen a wall, creating five layers of redundancy spanning a distance will always yield less flexibility than spanning the same distance with one substrate.  Each of the extra blades keeps you from bending and flexing, increasing rigidity.  The notion of rigidity is engineered into the cartridge because of the poor technique of the user! [I promise I’m coming to that point!]

So I’m using a single cutting edge, that is more flexible than its “modern” counterpart, that needs different lubrication demands [that are actually in my favor], how the hell am I cutting myself more often?  Its that poor technique.  [bingo]

Using the multi-blade disposables we fight friction with minimalist layers of lubrication [to keep from clogging the blades], on cartridges that are firm and moderately inflexible by comparison sake.  However, we introduce friction to combat its by product.  You push harder to over come the softer edges that dull faster on the multi blades, to get the same quality shave as the edge disintegrates.  Secondly you make fewer passes over skin because you have made the same pass 3 to 5 times with each cartridge movement.  The idea of a once and done solution.  That doesn’t work with a single blade.  As my blade flexes better, it will bend and skip over spots on my skin that are not completely flat [read: everywhere]. What I’m seeing in my bleeding pattern are many, small dabs of blood.  When I shaved and erred with cartridge razors I had deep cuts that bled and were wide.  Its clear that the force I was using on the cartridge systems made the cuts; and it’s the blade bouncing causing smaller pricks with the single edge.  My technique then became the issue, as I realized this.

I have always trusted in the cartridge razors’ motto: once and done.  Making one pass, or two if really necessary, is all it needed to get the job done.  With a single edge, I do need to make two or three passes.   But more importantly, I need to relube and lather up each time…. something I rarely did with cartridges.  Secondly, friction is important, but it doesn’t come from pressure.  Using hand pressure flattens the skin around [and in between blades] of a cartridge system.  On a single edge you will cut yourself deeply.  With a multi blade cartridge you are minimizing the pressure by distributing it across multiple points.  You don’t always cut yourself because it’s the same idea as the old circus bed of nails trick… however as the skin changes angles and is no longer flat, that’s when you bite hard… with excessive pressure behind a dulled edge, you do immense damage in the little vertical wrinkle under the nose and above the lip!   With the single edge, I need some friction to know I’m gaining traction and working with the skin, pulling it taunt under the blade; this pops the hairs up and keeps from ballooning skin up in front of the cutting edge. 

All of this takes time and forethought.   But as of 2 months into it, I will say, I have a much closer shave, that I can get two days out of with a single edge system, compared to the cartridge razors.  Secondly I can factor in the pricing as such:

Cartridge Razor Typical Expenditures:

1 - 2cartridge each week: 3.75 each
1 razor handle:  9.00 [good for a year or so]
1 can saving gel : 3.00
------------------------------------
in 60 days totals: 57.00

 

Straight Razor Blade Typical Expenditures:

1 blade each week: .30 each [in 50pk quantity]
1 stypic pencil:  1.97 [good for years?]
1 cake shaving crème: 1.99 [good for 6 months]
1 shaving brush:   20.00 [good for years]
1 razor handle:  25.00 [good for decades]
----------------------------------------------
in 60 days totals:  51.36

 

Also note… that while I do have to purchase and use more items, they are cheaper, and they do last considerably longer in the wet shaving system.  In a years time, I should be somewhere in the 30% to 50% price equivalency of cartridge shaving.  It does add up.  But I have learned that much so far.

 

S

Without the nicks and cuts of a blade

The first experience of wet shaving bears grizzly fruit. I can't lie. In my absence, I've been doing alot of things. All of them revolve around making changes in life. Now that I'm back from California, I thought I'd try out my new toy. The Edwin Jagger, chromed double edge safety razor was had for under 30 dollars on amazon. So begins a new way of doing business!

People ask me about all kinds of things, and facial hair is rarely one of them. So I thought I'd expand beyond the obvious question I get [why do you have brown hair and a red beard], to step out on a limb about the mess of straight razor shaves. I made the leap for several reasons.

1. Its far, far cheaper to the safety razor multi blade craze. I've used several different electric razors over the years, that range from 10 to 150 dollars, and all of which gave moderate to terrible quality of shaves. The best shaves I've done myself, have been with multi blade disposable safety models [read: Gillette Mach 3 and Fusion errr Mach 5]. Consider the cost per shave of the electric high-ends to be nearly a buck, and the cost per shave of the Mach'ing Birds to be about 3 dollars. Enter the double edge buckshot, somewhere under 15 cents per shave. Yes. I'm serious. Blades run 2 bucks per pack of 5, last about 3 shaves, with two cutting edges per blade; figure in a few pennies to buy back the razor, and we're there. Obviously a straight edged razor would be cheaper, but it require maintenance and care [honing, stropping, and alcohol based cleaning], as well as perfect technique.

2. Its far superior in shave quality compared to anything else. This will be true, but not yet for me. I still reach for the Mach'ing Bird when I need a descent shave, in a hurry. Its reliable, but not well suited for long term switching. The Mach's require more pressure as they dull, to the point its not safe. Its downright dangerous to keep that habit up with a single blade. The single blade will cut closer and flex better than 5 blades; which is the reason why Gillette went to the multi blade system: to prevent cuts on the average Joe. The position and blade angle is what determines the closeness of the shave; a razors edge is not sharper than another's [although they may hold and edge longer], and the multi blade system prevents you from changing the blade angle, and decreases the pressure you can create at any one point [the same idea as the circus actor laying on a bed of nails]. This works to minimize nicks and cuts for people with bad shaving habits. But it forces you to change blades frequently [as the edge dulls, its ineffective, and since you can't compensate to change to the proper angle, you push harder and continue dulling the edge until its a comb for crying out loud]. So the single edge forces you work with the proper pressure and angle of cut, which rewards the cleanest shave by far. This is true for safety edged and straight razors.

3. It gives me a sense of nostalgia. This is how men have shaved for about 100 years. Since the replaceable double edged safety razor was invented near the turn of the 20th century. [It was first made in 1847 and patented in 1880, but it did not become popular until Gillette won a military contract to furnish American soldiers with them in the First World War.] But for 100 years this has been the industry standard in shaving, our fathers and grandfathers had this option before any other. And, I always maintain, I should have been born in the 1930s. I love old technology, film cameras, newspapers, and fedoras. I fit right in.

So I took the plunge, bought a book for 50 cents on amazon, and bought the razor, blades, soap and brush. And here I am. 2 shaves in, and I can tell you its all about technique and practice. The zen of my life. I get lazy, I do things wrong, and I replicate it until I can't tell where the bad habits start and the good ones end. This is pretty much instant feedback. I've seen butcher shops with less blood in the sink than my first shave. OJ Simpson couldn't have made a worse mess than I did that morning. But its not about that. Zen, is about the path, not where it began, and seldom of where it leads us beyond enlightenment. My path for next portion of my life had to begin again somewhere. So it has started.

So here is a picture of my "rig" courtesy of the iPhone.

New Year, New Post

New Year, new post?

Sounds good. Except that was a month and a half ago.

I dunno. I'll get back into this at some point. I know I will. The past few months have had some major changes in my life. My grandmother died right after the new year. Which was pretty hard. To make it worse, we had the funeral on my 30th birthday. 30 was something else thats messed with me. In my head more than anything else, so far. Lastly my living situation is up. I have about 60 days to move. Since my lease is over, and my parents are departing for Detroit, forcibly, I'm on my own again, with no fall back. Knowing just HOW little money I make at M'tards, its not a simple subject.

Anyhow. I'm still here. Just seeing if the RSS is still posting out there. Look for some more soon!

Death is a fucked up concept to the living. In plain text its as about as far from the truth as it could be. Just the same though. I knew today would happen. After we got the initial dementia diagnosis about 4 years ago, and eventually the Alzheimer's like symptoms developed that followed the classic rubric of seven stages; we all knew it would happen. Today is the day my grandmother died. It happens to all of us. People get old, and they die. The living are the only ones left making sense out of someone being here one day, and not the next. But death takes more out of us than you think. The past few weeks and months had seen the pretty steady decline. Rapid. But steady. The last week or so, she was bed ridden, and comatose. From that point, it was a matter of time. All we have left in this world is time, as far as the living are concerned. Time to figure out how much time we all have left. Time to wait until we die. Time to spend in whatever way possible to prolong our thoughts about how much time remains. Alzheimer's is terrible in that respect. It takes away our concept of time. Time, place; it really doesn't mean much then. Which makes it a fucked up concept, when the rest of us all walk around, concerned about how much time, what time is it, when will this happen, type questions. Time stops with that disease. I suppose I'm doing pretty well with it. Then again, I've had the time to see this coming and prepare my thoughts about it. People ask me, why turning 30 this week bothers me. Shit like this bothers me. Its all that concept of time, and thinking you have it, that you control it, or you keep your eye on it. You can't do that forever, or even for some measure of time. Its fucked up like that. I delay certain things in my life to watch others go by; I talk about it like its fair or its not, dependent on which side of the coin you get. She had 92 years on this earth. She traveled quite a bit. Had children, grandchildren, and dogs and grand dogs. She lived through the depression, saw the second great war, and went right on through the civil rights era to the digital age. But at some point, across all time of her life, she was destined for it to stop. All of us are. She outlived the rest of her family by 25 years, a husband by 30, and saw even her youngest grandchild hit drinking age and start a phD program. Thats a lot of time well spent. But the time between now and Wednesday will probably be the hardest. Anticipating the burial process isn't it. Its realizing that I wake up the next day to turn 30. Time is a fucked up concept. Almost as much as death.

A Few Things From The Past Year

 

I thought I’d show off some more of the images I’ve taken over the past year.  Here is a brief selection.  I’m also testing out the ability to do prints from it, with a freaking cool web company.  Go Fotomoto !   So unless you view my Facebook or Twitter streams, this should all be new…

Anyhow, here’s a few of them, possibly to add more later.

 

 

 

 

Balls to the Wall…. Drug.

So without taking too much time to go over why I’m here [yet]; I’m sitting in a cheapo, nondescript motel in Wall, South Dakota. I spent most of the last two days on the road, looking at the countryside, trying to find radio stations, and thinking.  I’ve needed some time to be alone with my thoughts the past few months.  My blog has taken the punishment.  I apologize, blog.  And the 2 readers I think you still have with you. 

But I’m here.  In a town with a population of 810.  I think, I could stay here, if it didn’t get busy like it does…. Sturgeous and Badlands National Park bring crazy amounts of people here in the summer.  Now?  Now, I’m about 1 of 6 cars in this whole village, that isn’t from here. 

Badlands National Park became my battle cry the past few days.  To get here.  To hike it, to camp in it, and to photograph it.  I will fail at one and a half of those attempts. But.  Considering I never told a soul where I was going, it’s ended up just as well.  Except the temperature drop.  Except the rain.  Except that I didn’t bring all of my glass with.  Aside from that; I offer simple proof of my existence.  Me over the mountains of wet, shit, I climbed today.  Metaphorically, I’m not sure the mountain amounts to a hill of beans for me, but its been cathartic. 

Why Internet Dating Isn’t Working Out

If internet dating was a business, with would be the government subsidized, maximum benefit receiving, zero profit, kind of thing we read about in the paper that soak up tax dollars, and do literally nothing but fuzzy, feel good shit.

Its welfare, in a special line item appropriation, extended to half black-half asian, twin, teenage pregnant mothers that speak only Ugandan or Bengali, and can’t recognize shapes because of an intense lack of education by ruthless male figures in their home country.  Internet dating really just jabs its hooks into the downtrodden, the less fortunate, and the never-will’s, to pump up hope.  Hope comes at the cost of everyone else. 

My point is, that one solid month back into the internet dating realm, across 3 sites mind you, I have zero replies.  On one site alone I’ve lit off 58 messages.  Nothing.  Its false hope.  Of all the women I’ve seen online, let alone looked at more than twice, and bothered to read a profile; maybe 10% are attractive to me.  Which, honestly means there are about 10 to 40 out there.  From Minnesota to Missouri.  That’s not helping to do much else than give false hope.  Especially when none of them answer you.   Its frustrating.  Imagine walking around a party where people are talking and being introduced; and after a night of 58 attempts; not one person says “hello” back to you.  How disrespectful is that?  How is this any different, I might ask? 

I can tell you how its NOT any different.  These are not random social networking sites, where I’m hammering away trying to find a skank.  These are dating sites.  Populated by adults, that "opt in” to the service.  You would think that people going to these sites, who spend time making profiles, would probably want to converse and meet people.  I guess its not about that.  So why would you go to a social gathering, and not be social and introduce yourself, or try to meet people? I would stay at home. But I’m cruising these sites because I want that moment in my mind, where I probably aren’t alone in this world, and maybe it is a couple of mouse clicks off.

 

There are only two reasons women are even on these things. First and foremost,I think, that most of these dating sites are really just ways for women to pound their own ego higher.  Judging by the information changes, it looks like 10-15% are people in relationships that aren’t swinging.  So the max actual crowd to pick from drops to 85% of what you think it is.  That’s nice.  Again, why join a site like that?  Next, I’d say 20 to 30% are listed as bisexual.  Which means what?  Because by the time you are pushing 30; and you haven’t figured out your own orientation, you might not be ready for a relationship.  Pool size drops to 65% of expected size. Next, you figure in the number of smoking hot women, that have no intention of anything other than giving some dork an erection.  Call her “viagra,” but that on purpose.  Knock it back 10% more. Now we are at the real pool.  Half the size you think it is. 

 

This brings in the second reason women on these sites.  By and large, they are damaged goods, unattractive, or unwilling to find a date in the real world.  Seriously.  Lets not count the small group like me for now, stick with it.  If they are attractive, and normal, and even venture outside once per day; men will find them.  Bees and honey.  Shit and flies.  Ice and water. You can’t hardly get one with out the other.  But they aren’t.  Damaged goods is a big class, but refine it to say: emotionally incompatible, incomplete acceptance of past misgivings, or burdened by life circumstances.  All of it is the same category.  In the month I’ve been hitting this hard, its most of what I see in “real” women out there.  These are women that can’t do a conventional relationship…  they are too domineering or masochistic. They do not give and take in a natural way.  They focus or obsess to unfair levels about potential mates, or are just plain chock full of “father figure issues,” that aren’t fair for anyone to deal with. Not only that, this is the group that probably had a kid [or several] at 20, which didn’t turn out so great. Maybe they smoke crack still.  Who f’ing cares. Its all the same.  Defect on arrival. Send it back.  Not only that, we get the girls that self-assuredly, can’t make it work in the normal world of dating. So they put up out of focus pictures, pictures in costumes, pictures of friends, or non-personable shit as self portraits.  Anything but let the internet public see them for what they are.  Lastly, we have the ones that just are unwilling to settle for what is around them.  They are the best case scenario of all.

 

I count myself, of sorts for comparisons sake, in the last line. I get it.  I’m no male model.  I don’t have 6 pack abs, or gloss myself with nicknames.  I’m largely a bust by age 30.  I couldn’t make a regular relationship last more than 4 months on my own, and I haven’t found one female, in my life [including my own mother for shit’s sake], that genuinely enjoys spending time with me.  I know I’m a loser in the real world. So, like me, these girls are looking on the internet.  But not looking at the same time.  Frustrating for sure.  Not looking? Well no one else seems to be interested in a guy, that’s titling messages “just looking to meet people.”  Not, fuck me in the broom closet like a hooker.  Not, marry me the minute you meet me.  Not, I want to knock you around to show you how I love you.  Just looks to meet people.  I ask about their interests; if they say something funny, I mention that.  I compliment their pictures if they look good, and I relate to hobbies and interests that are common.

 

Its unfortunate.  Not only am I pathetic in the real dating world, I’m flaming out fast in the fake world of internet dating.  But, its a last ditch effort.  For months I’ve been serious about needing a real chance at a relationship.  Not a given, guaranteed thing.  But I need a fucking chance. I think I deserve it.  The fickle mob, that is my judge, denies me that, and bail. 

the return of RONRON !!

Former alderman arrested on gun charge

available online Qctimes.com

by Kurt Allemeier

A former Davenport alderman who served a troubled tenure on the city council has been charged with being a felon in possession of a firearm.

Ronald Van Fossen, 67, of 4523 S. Concord St., was charged Thursday stemming from an incident earlier in the week. He is scheduled to appear in court next on Aug. 27.

Van Fossen served one term on the council, from 2006-2008, marred by arrests for domestic abuse, a stint in alcohol rehabilitation and a sexual harassment lawsuit by a city employee that resulted in a $92,000 settlement.

It was a 2007 conviction for domestic abuse that led to the firearm charge, a court affidavit states.

Davenport police investigating his vehicle being stolen recovered it Saturday in the 2200 block of East 12th Street and found a handgun inside, the affidavit says. The next day, officers asked Van Fossen whether he owned the handgun. Van Fossen said he did.

Van Fossen appeared in court Friday. He was not booked into the Scott County Jail.

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RonRon, I have missed you. You and your stupid antics are what this town needs again. Get your ride ganked. Leave your gat in the front seat, and let the police find it down around 12th street. Lets see if that makes news. Bitchin' RonRon is back baby!