Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - Angie
angie is such a beautiful song. its an adjective i dont commonly use, but i think it fits the song very well.. even for people who [i duno why] wouldnt normally call themselves a fan of the 'Stones, this is one of the pure, classic balladesqe songs, that people will universally appreciate. no clue why i hit that one tonight... its just been awhile since ive heard it i guess... its one of those songs that just takes me back to an instant from the past, every time i hear it..
ive been trying to pull myself from this rut of blogging over women and relationships. thats probably blog worthy its self. im really not sure why. i guess the longer im here, the more i notice that everyone seems to have someone else, or atleast are able to pick up another with relative ease. despite my attempts, im still not one of those people who can just 'score the digits'; nor am i really one to have many in my stable to pick from. i guess thats what fascinates me more than anything i do, is what other people do. chiefly, the ability to whisk through relationships and people with such ease and certainty for what they do, with such little regard. i guess im not quite like that.
i used to sit and think and wonder when i got this way. yes, there was a time when i did enjoy going out, trying to pick up chicks, just hanging out with friends... but somewhere along the way that lost its fun. im sure anyone one of those nights in a lightless dive, covered in the filth of contempt of all women around me; might have lead it to tarnish, but not disappear. i used to have fond memories of doing that sort of thing... i can remember the half-drunk walks home, talking with my several friends.. some nights, they wouldnt all be with us on the walk home. sometimes they would get lucky. once or twice it was just me going home. but i cant remember a night where i made the walk to someone elses place. the conversations were allways upbeat, everyones excited, were all talking at once in raspy, shout-strained voices, telling each other about the girls we saw, counting the numbers they walked out with, or maybe the butt or boob they grabbed on the dance floor. that was the best part of the night really. just hearing everyone else reccount their night. being apart of the group that i never was a part of. we'd all laugh at the funny stories, or holler and yell at the bad ones. everyone would hand around high-fives for scoring the hot blondes phone number, and youd get a clap on the shoulder from the guy next to you when you struck out. that was what i thought it was about. for them maybe it wasnt. maybe it really was about getting the score, maybe it was about bragging up your story, maybe it was about pushing the envelope one step further to get the digits. i wouldnt know really. i think of all those nights, i maybe came up with 2 or three phone numbers. one was a pizza place, the other didnt work, and i think the other number was intended for a buddy that i must have [oops] kept for myself; but i never was a part of the scene. just holding someone elses place really. see, when it hit me what i was doing, someone else was their to fill the void. someone else in the group would be decoy or the looser for the night, thats how it works. and it was probably better that way. because that way, it floated around, it wasnt allways one person getting stuck with that chore. it wasnt me anymore.
ive had alot of that i guess, looking back over the years. its never intentional, it just happens that way, right? god that would be pretty depressing to think, that it never really worked out in one's favor out of all those trials. no, you tell yourself you had some limited success, and some off nights. but nothing more than happenstance. its easier to lie to yourself about things like that. pretty soon you find your self in mid lie, sitting at a bar, at the opposite end of the room from you friends. the lie is you wanted to be there in the first place. the truth is you know better. sometimes the lie could just be the hope that tonight was the big night. the truth is, that its just another friday night. sometimes the lie is pretty far away, like that girl on the other end of the dance floor that you are singling out for your approach... and sometimes the truth was pretty close, like when she brushes past you, mid sentence, to chase the cute guy that just went past... but thats a lie too. you know you just ended up like you allways have.
some of those nights, sitting on a bar stool with a Marlboro-light wasting away; you think to yourself; if only i was enjoying this, i wouldnt feel so bad. but your friends all waive to you, as two of them walk out into the cold night with girls on their arms. their thumbs up signs, cleverly flashed behind the backs of the girls, signify the passage of luck to you. once or twice that luck might fetch you a number to a pizza place across the street, or to disconnected phone. im sure all that luck, just piling up cashes in for something, someday. atleast thats what your buddies tell you on those cold walks home. sometimes thats a lie too. the truth is, you have to lie to yourself about that stuff sometimes. sometimes thats the only way to make it home on those walks by yourself.
ain't it fun~
s.
Saturday, September 07, 2002
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Current Musical Selection: GnR - "Madagascar"
***"i wont be told anymore... that ive been brought down in this storm, and left so far out from the shore... that i cant find my way back, my way, back anymore... forgive that they tore down my soul... bless them that they might grow old.. a dream thats forgotten may know, that its never too late.
yeah, i dont know quite what to say. today has been overly long, overly slow.. most of this week didnt seem too different from that... tomorrow isnt looking much better.. buts what lifes like when your 'driving the tractor on the drug farm' [Dave Wyndorf/Monster Magnet quote for those of you keeping score at home]. i dunno, everything seems to NEED to occupy my time... people dont seem to be acting very independantly. teachers are naggy as all hell; come on; in a gen ed. class, you cant honestly get mad at a class for not reading all 300 pages at this point, a week and a half into it. people and their fascinations man. people seem to be hitting the bong of self gratitude and mystic fortune. its a load of shit. as Staff Sgt Barnes says in Platoon: " drugs? i dont need that shit to cope with reality, fuck that, i am reality. "
someone asked me the other day about me... bless you! first time in quite, quite a long time anyone has actually asked scott as a person, whats scott like today, whats new with scott, what does scott think. unfortunately, it was some attractive girl from my law class, who, i didnt catch her name. i was talking to Failure about this the other day; my one class over in Boyd [the law school], which i originally had thought was going to be bad/horrible not what i wanted... is starting to shape up to my favorite. granted; liberal interps of international law is as appealing to me as a plate of cold pooh with a fork in it; but the class i like. really, durring discussion; its nice to have equals. again, granted, i am the undergrad in the 2L and 3Ls presence, and i should probably revere them, and sure i dont know what they do, my vocab isnt as exacting as theirs has become; but ideologically im running even or a head of them. when it comes to running through the how/whys of law/custom in the world; i seem to be knocking down the pins much faster than they are. the kids there are great. god knows how many fucking days ive eaten in burge, and not a soul has come up to me or said a thing. 2 days into the law class, im sitting at a table with 3 kids from class. we didnt share the same opinons, but we were all interested in what everyone else had to say. everyone was on an intellectual level. not only did i feel a part of that; but i felt right being a part of that. Prof. David, now calls on me by name [she isnt doing that with law students shes had for years] and she often asks me for my opinion, in a non-lets-see-if-he-read-the-material way; but more of an inquisitive; 'so what do you make of all that mr alvarado' aside from the assloads of work in preptime that class requires, its rapidly becomming my favorite hour of the day. then. at 2:10, im forced to leave that world... to stomp away from it all, back to the bus stop with random undergrads. minutes before, we were hottly contesting the feasability of international law when applied to the individual level; and its use as a valid legal source.... then; im amidst the whores, vagrants, and the rest of the undergrads; over hearing tales of woe at Malones, or other random shit bars. why johnny is so hot, why doesnt he call me back? half a phone conversation-- "yeah ill give you a blowjob tonight" [the girl on the phone is serious]. no more functionality, no more tests of my knowledge and reasoning. just a test of my paitence in this world.
yes yes, i realize ive not finished my thoughts on marriage; they will be completed!!! not tonight either.... this weekend, yes! several of my loyal viewers have asked me about that, and what i think about the whole thing... be paitient... im forced to, you can too.
***" so many times that ive seen life before me... i searched and foudn the way to choose the end; i found a way, to know, why that had to be? Mired in denial and saw all the rain.... if we ever find it true, love will have its way to choose. three more to tame, we can be ever-... ----but i wont be told anymore [etc.]"
a litter viewer mail came in today that id like to share:
" Dood your blog rules! Its nice to see somebody out there that can give it to you straight up and knows the world is way beyond fucked up. Humans are the universe's biggest mistake. " -JB
well thanks JB, im glad you took the chance to write in. im not sure that humans are the worlds biggest mistake; but i do have a running shortlist of those that would exemplify your point. the world tho... interesting idea... im not sure if its the world thats fucked up initially, or its assholes that have screwed it up for the rest of us. no doubt that humans have helped it along in several instances. but thank you again for the comment; i pride myself on being the "straight shooter" as Bill referred to me off-handedly the other day. people make too many complications as it is, to worry about adding superflous extravigancies to it. give the truth. if you cant handle it; thats not my fault; but atleast stop lying to yourselves about it all.
another random comment; appearantly someone has taken some offense to some comments i cited in an entry or so back about a person/friendship gone downhill... or so its made its way through the grapevine to me. again, hit up rule #1 for my blog, if you dont like it -- walk on brotha. i suppose i will say this: what i did say was fairly inflammatory... yes maybe by design it was; but im not appologizing for my opinions. ive seen enough, met enough people, that im confident in my ability to make judgement calls... i made one when i decided to post that. again, this is my personal space, which i graciously invited you to read; try not to be offended if you still havent realized why its pretty one-sided.
eh.. what the hell.. ill revist the marriage thing...
if you recall, i left off somewhere around this point"
" marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is --i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above. "
really i do. ive yet to ever hear a girl compliment me on my looks. not once in my nearly 22 years of dealings with women; has one, just one; said-- "you know, your really cute." or " i think your cute". i dont get that. i do get; "go away your weird" "dont you shut up" [laughter] in response to asking girls out on dates. notice, ive never been dealt a "your not too bad" or " your un-ugly" or "im not going into convulsions while looking at you"; nothing even suggesting an approach towards normaility; no, what i do get is the extra special treatment of distaste. so what? well, that applies to my quick fix theory. it wouldnt be possible for me to sell drugs, if i dont have a 'Didy of grass to push. you cant expect to anything if the shelves are barren. again, so what? good point. people like to argue, the other fish in the sea; the youll find some one eventually, etc. similar arguments... which ofcourse isnt true. marriage/committment revolves around a central idea of mutual attraction. minus the mutual attraction, your just nothing more than run-of-the-mill relationship. this isnt to say ive never met a girl that i wasnt attracted to... quite the contrary. ive met, many, many girls that are overly attractive. even some that id definitely consider marriage to be valid.. not only someone atttractive to me physically, but mentally and emotionally. its never been there for me. i suppose there could exist a magical one girl that would somehow find me attractive, stimulating etc. but thats a pretty bad argument to put stock into. if you do that, your setting your self up for alot more stress.. relying on only one pure, select, prime choice; means thats it. only one, single, un, thats it. so what happens when you fuck it up? your done. what happens if she fucks it up? your done. stupid argument. its something you tell to kids that cant deal with the reality, or shouldnt have to yet [ie younger kids, kids with wretched acne, etc] but allways along the lines of the ugly duckling story. thats not the case here. scott can surely qualify for the ugly duckling portion of the story; but not as a duckling. im past the age of maturity. im old enough to see the cards that have been dealt to me. had i figured on working my way through life on good looks alone, id have need some cosmetic surgery a while ago. but i digress... the point im making is this.. there isnt someone for everyone. in this country, more and more every day; people spend their whole lives single. never having anyone. how do the 'duckling story' proponnents account for that? ... i guess this is really a bit gripey.. but really, i never thought of myself as that disgustingly disfigured a person as to warrant my current situation. but, thats where all this head back to; its not about what i think; again, ive seen how and whom i would be happy with, ive seen what id like; but no one is saying that about me. see, its again fixed on the concept of mutual attraction. thats what shoots down the 'deal' of the quick fix dating for me.
second thing to consider is the playing down to the level of those around me. granted, if by act of God, im stricken as the last, best example of good looks on this earth; id be constrained to choose upon whats around me. so what to pick? obviously you want the reddest apple, the freshest of the fruit; but what happens when the fruit in the garden isnt all that choice? what happens when there isnt a best alternative? what happens what you dont see a damn thing you want? despite their good looks, most of the females in this area and age group would be rejected by me. not that im picky... but none of them have grown up. their fixation is still within the realm of instant gratification; they want, they get. ive got the itch, by god im going to scratch it... as soper and i joke, its not about the "indulgence"--- because its only "experimentation" see, girls expect the respect and due process [so to speak] of a mature relationship; but what do they engage in? bar crawls, random rampant sex, insufficient as far as maturity goes... maturity should mean youve passed up those things for something more lasting, something more gratifying... ie- a mutually productive and compassionate relationship. but instead they focus on these attempts of 'matur-ING', namely to become mature is to fullfill every step of immaturity... granted, its begging the point of circular definition, but thats the point. until that circle stops, nothings changing. how should they expect to incurr a real, sustainable relationship, when they are fulling it based on the problems and practices of a bad, unsustainable one? if tommy, mike, dan, and clarke are jerks that you met at a bar, why are you still looking in the bars for someone different? if you want someone to honestly love you for who you are; why continue relationships with people who love you for what you look like? you dip your hands in the fountain of failure, and cry when your hands are wetted by its properties. so you dig and scratch at the bottom of that jagged fountain, clawing away for that one shinny quarter, you think has to be there; clawing and straining until your fingers are raw and scarred; yet you think that whatever prize you liberate is special? what has that left you in the process? and what have you really ended up with for your troubles and heartache. so tell me again, why its important for me to dip into this? tell me why in the name of relationships i should have to go through that, for such a little prize, at such great cost? for me, that would mean dealing with those who potentially will only hurt me. they havent learned the lessons that i have, they will make the mistakes that i will avoid, so why is that fair for me to endure that for their sake? again; none of this would be for me. what would be for me? someone who genuinely wants to be around me; who doesnt mind me being me; maybe she doesnt have to praise me every step of the way [but that would be cool!], but someone who is actually looking to have someone else, but not in the transient way. im not going to find that here. what i do find here are the Fixers. the girls in skirts with 5 inch inseams.. the girls that go to class dressed with one boob hanging out... girls that wear thong underwear flossed up their nether regions, prominently on display, just for the purpose of attention at dinner. i find girls who break up with boyfriends because they think they have a right to sleep with some guy they found at bar, if the boyfriend never finds out. i find lots of girls here couldnt care less about another person, if that involves 'hang ups'; ie - not going to the bar when they want, not wearing underwear for clothes in public, or similar 'controlling' restrictions. i suppose if your one of those people that are looking for all of this... this is a veritable smorgasboard. but thats not what i want. the simple, basic relationship, minus immaturity; will forever elude me as long as i can see.
meh.. thats enough for now.. ill continue it this weekend...
aint it fun~
s.
*** all quoted material comes transcribbed from my ear, listening to the lyrics of Madagascar, by GnR.
***"i wont be told anymore... that ive been brought down in this storm, and left so far out from the shore... that i cant find my way back, my way, back anymore... forgive that they tore down my soul... bless them that they might grow old.. a dream thats forgotten may know, that its never too late.
yeah, i dont know quite what to say. today has been overly long, overly slow.. most of this week didnt seem too different from that... tomorrow isnt looking much better.. buts what lifes like when your 'driving the tractor on the drug farm' [Dave Wyndorf/Monster Magnet quote for those of you keeping score at home]. i dunno, everything seems to NEED to occupy my time... people dont seem to be acting very independantly. teachers are naggy as all hell; come on; in a gen ed. class, you cant honestly get mad at a class for not reading all 300 pages at this point, a week and a half into it. people and their fascinations man. people seem to be hitting the bong of self gratitude and mystic fortune. its a load of shit. as Staff Sgt Barnes says in Platoon: " drugs? i dont need that shit to cope with reality, fuck that, i am reality. "
someone asked me the other day about me... bless you! first time in quite, quite a long time anyone has actually asked scott as a person, whats scott like today, whats new with scott, what does scott think. unfortunately, it was some attractive girl from my law class, who, i didnt catch her name. i was talking to Failure about this the other day; my one class over in Boyd [the law school], which i originally had thought was going to be bad/horrible not what i wanted... is starting to shape up to my favorite. granted; liberal interps of international law is as appealing to me as a plate of cold pooh with a fork in it; but the class i like. really, durring discussion; its nice to have equals. again, granted, i am the undergrad in the 2L and 3Ls presence, and i should probably revere them, and sure i dont know what they do, my vocab isnt as exacting as theirs has become; but ideologically im running even or a head of them. when it comes to running through the how/whys of law/custom in the world; i seem to be knocking down the pins much faster than they are. the kids there are great. god knows how many fucking days ive eaten in burge, and not a soul has come up to me or said a thing. 2 days into the law class, im sitting at a table with 3 kids from class. we didnt share the same opinons, but we were all interested in what everyone else had to say. everyone was on an intellectual level. not only did i feel a part of that; but i felt right being a part of that. Prof. David, now calls on me by name [she isnt doing that with law students shes had for years] and she often asks me for my opinion, in a non-lets-see-if-he-read-the-material way; but more of an inquisitive; 'so what do you make of all that mr alvarado' aside from the assloads of work in preptime that class requires, its rapidly becomming my favorite hour of the day. then. at 2:10, im forced to leave that world... to stomp away from it all, back to the bus stop with random undergrads. minutes before, we were hottly contesting the feasability of international law when applied to the individual level; and its use as a valid legal source.... then; im amidst the whores, vagrants, and the rest of the undergrads; over hearing tales of woe at Malones, or other random shit bars. why johnny is so hot, why doesnt he call me back? half a phone conversation-- "yeah ill give you a blowjob tonight" [the girl on the phone is serious]. no more functionality, no more tests of my knowledge and reasoning. just a test of my paitence in this world.
yes yes, i realize ive not finished my thoughts on marriage; they will be completed!!! not tonight either.... this weekend, yes! several of my loyal viewers have asked me about that, and what i think about the whole thing... be paitient... im forced to, you can too.
***" so many times that ive seen life before me... i searched and foudn the way to choose the end; i found a way, to know, why that had to be? Mired in denial and saw all the rain.... if we ever find it true, love will have its way to choose. three more to tame, we can be ever-... ----but i wont be told anymore [etc.]"
a litter viewer mail came in today that id like to share:
" Dood your blog rules! Its nice to see somebody out there that can give it to you straight up and knows the world is way beyond fucked up. Humans are the universe's biggest mistake. " -JB
well thanks JB, im glad you took the chance to write in. im not sure that humans are the worlds biggest mistake; but i do have a running shortlist of those that would exemplify your point. the world tho... interesting idea... im not sure if its the world thats fucked up initially, or its assholes that have screwed it up for the rest of us. no doubt that humans have helped it along in several instances. but thank you again for the comment; i pride myself on being the "straight shooter" as Bill referred to me off-handedly the other day. people make too many complications as it is, to worry about adding superflous extravigancies to it. give the truth. if you cant handle it; thats not my fault; but atleast stop lying to yourselves about it all.
another random comment; appearantly someone has taken some offense to some comments i cited in an entry or so back about a person/friendship gone downhill... or so its made its way through the grapevine to me. again, hit up rule #1 for my blog, if you dont like it -- walk on brotha. i suppose i will say this: what i did say was fairly inflammatory... yes maybe by design it was; but im not appologizing for my opinions. ive seen enough, met enough people, that im confident in my ability to make judgement calls... i made one when i decided to post that. again, this is my personal space, which i graciously invited you to read; try not to be offended if you still havent realized why its pretty one-sided.
eh.. what the hell.. ill revist the marriage thing...
if you recall, i left off somewhere around this point"
" marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is --i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above. "
really i do. ive yet to ever hear a girl compliment me on my looks. not once in my nearly 22 years of dealings with women; has one, just one; said-- "you know, your really cute." or " i think your cute". i dont get that. i do get; "go away your weird" "dont you shut up" [laughter] in response to asking girls out on dates. notice, ive never been dealt a "your not too bad" or " your un-ugly" or "im not going into convulsions while looking at you"; nothing even suggesting an approach towards normaility; no, what i do get is the extra special treatment of distaste. so what? well, that applies to my quick fix theory. it wouldnt be possible for me to sell drugs, if i dont have a 'Didy of grass to push. you cant expect to anything if the shelves are barren. again, so what? good point. people like to argue, the other fish in the sea; the youll find some one eventually, etc. similar arguments... which ofcourse isnt true. marriage/committment revolves around a central idea of mutual attraction. minus the mutual attraction, your just nothing more than run-of-the-mill relationship. this isnt to say ive never met a girl that i wasnt attracted to... quite the contrary. ive met, many, many girls that are overly attractive. even some that id definitely consider marriage to be valid.. not only someone atttractive to me physically, but mentally and emotionally. its never been there for me. i suppose there could exist a magical one girl that would somehow find me attractive, stimulating etc. but thats a pretty bad argument to put stock into. if you do that, your setting your self up for alot more stress.. relying on only one pure, select, prime choice; means thats it. only one, single, un, thats it. so what happens when you fuck it up? your done. what happens if she fucks it up? your done. stupid argument. its something you tell to kids that cant deal with the reality, or shouldnt have to yet [ie younger kids, kids with wretched acne, etc] but allways along the lines of the ugly duckling story. thats not the case here. scott can surely qualify for the ugly duckling portion of the story; but not as a duckling. im past the age of maturity. im old enough to see the cards that have been dealt to me. had i figured on working my way through life on good looks alone, id have need some cosmetic surgery a while ago. but i digress... the point im making is this.. there isnt someone for everyone. in this country, more and more every day; people spend their whole lives single. never having anyone. how do the 'duckling story' proponnents account for that? ... i guess this is really a bit gripey.. but really, i never thought of myself as that disgustingly disfigured a person as to warrant my current situation. but, thats where all this head back to; its not about what i think; again, ive seen how and whom i would be happy with, ive seen what id like; but no one is saying that about me. see, its again fixed on the concept of mutual attraction. thats what shoots down the 'deal' of the quick fix dating for me.
second thing to consider is the playing down to the level of those around me. granted, if by act of God, im stricken as the last, best example of good looks on this earth; id be constrained to choose upon whats around me. so what to pick? obviously you want the reddest apple, the freshest of the fruit; but what happens when the fruit in the garden isnt all that choice? what happens when there isnt a best alternative? what happens what you dont see a damn thing you want? despite their good looks, most of the females in this area and age group would be rejected by me. not that im picky... but none of them have grown up. their fixation is still within the realm of instant gratification; they want, they get. ive got the itch, by god im going to scratch it... as soper and i joke, its not about the "indulgence"--- because its only "experimentation" see, girls expect the respect and due process [so to speak] of a mature relationship; but what do they engage in? bar crawls, random rampant sex, insufficient as far as maturity goes... maturity should mean youve passed up those things for something more lasting, something more gratifying... ie- a mutually productive and compassionate relationship. but instead they focus on these attempts of 'matur-ING', namely to become mature is to fullfill every step of immaturity... granted, its begging the point of circular definition, but thats the point. until that circle stops, nothings changing. how should they expect to incurr a real, sustainable relationship, when they are fulling it based on the problems and practices of a bad, unsustainable one? if tommy, mike, dan, and clarke are jerks that you met at a bar, why are you still looking in the bars for someone different? if you want someone to honestly love you for who you are; why continue relationships with people who love you for what you look like? you dip your hands in the fountain of failure, and cry when your hands are wetted by its properties. so you dig and scratch at the bottom of that jagged fountain, clawing away for that one shinny quarter, you think has to be there; clawing and straining until your fingers are raw and scarred; yet you think that whatever prize you liberate is special? what has that left you in the process? and what have you really ended up with for your troubles and heartache. so tell me again, why its important for me to dip into this? tell me why in the name of relationships i should have to go through that, for such a little prize, at such great cost? for me, that would mean dealing with those who potentially will only hurt me. they havent learned the lessons that i have, they will make the mistakes that i will avoid, so why is that fair for me to endure that for their sake? again; none of this would be for me. what would be for me? someone who genuinely wants to be around me; who doesnt mind me being me; maybe she doesnt have to praise me every step of the way [but that would be cool!], but someone who is actually looking to have someone else, but not in the transient way. im not going to find that here. what i do find here are the Fixers. the girls in skirts with 5 inch inseams.. the girls that go to class dressed with one boob hanging out... girls that wear thong underwear flossed up their nether regions, prominently on display, just for the purpose of attention at dinner. i find girls who break up with boyfriends because they think they have a right to sleep with some guy they found at bar, if the boyfriend never finds out. i find lots of girls here couldnt care less about another person, if that involves 'hang ups'; ie - not going to the bar when they want, not wearing underwear for clothes in public, or similar 'controlling' restrictions. i suppose if your one of those people that are looking for all of this... this is a veritable smorgasboard. but thats not what i want. the simple, basic relationship, minus immaturity; will forever elude me as long as i can see.
meh.. thats enough for now.. ill continue it this weekend...
aint it fun~
s.
*** all quoted material comes transcribbed from my ear, listening to the lyrics of Madagascar, by GnR.
Friday, August 30, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Elvis - I Can't Help Falling In Love
dont ask me why... for what ever reason i dug that song out. somewhere in the halls today i heard someone play the UB40 version of the song, that was popular about 10 years ago; i decided to pull out the earliest version i knew of it... plus its the King man.
i was thinking about that the other day, sitting in class; listening to the prof's calling role; and some girl had to correct the prof, that her name changed- she got married over the summer.. scary. marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above.
unfortunately my eyes are really tired tonight.. ill finish the thoughts on marriage tomorrow..
ain't it fun~
s.
dont ask me why... for what ever reason i dug that song out. somewhere in the halls today i heard someone play the UB40 version of the song, that was popular about 10 years ago; i decided to pull out the earliest version i knew of it... plus its the King man.
i was thinking about that the other day, sitting in class; listening to the prof's calling role; and some girl had to correct the prof, that her name changed- she got married over the summer.. scary. marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above.
unfortunately my eyes are really tired tonight.. ill finish the thoughts on marriage tomorrow..
ain't it fun~
s.
Monday, August 26, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Tool - Sober
" i am just a worthless liar. i am just and imbecile. i will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will find the center of it all. i will chew it up and bleed. "
people and their 'tudes man... what can i say. people and their fucking 'tudes.. someone throws a fit, all about their life... how everything is depressing, makes stupid comments about poking things and causing physical pain... its all a cry out for attention and help. as cold as i am, im not stone; i realize that someone probably wants to atleast talk about whats going on. so i do. i play the compassionate friend role. i open my mouth at one point, shut down. appearantly this is a case, 'woe is me, dont stop my whinning rant'. i excuse myself for the intrusion, and in the name of compassion, again, i sit and listen to everything they have to say. really listen. ask questions about what else is going on, to get a better idea of why they are so frustrated. i listen, i try to empathize with them, try to be the good person, make myself available to them and their plight... just in general trying to be a good friend for someone in need, right? doing the good thing. doing the right thing, doing the christian way of treating people; dealing with them the way id wish them to deal with me. i say one thing, then i hear "uh huh, and then you can just fuck off" then im blocked. 3 mistakes made here on my part.. 1-this isnt the first time this person has done this to me; each time tho, i do the right thing, and try to befriend them... thats my mistake 2- i guess i shouldnt care about them; you know what i know i shouldnt; anyone who is that insecure, that fickle, and that naive really has no business talking to me. the problems they are revolving around, involve shit like marriage to someone they arent even in a relationship with... in fact its all post-fact; they are done, over split, gone; and still they drive themselve insane over nothing. because thats all they have nothing. my fault: mistaking this for a genuine problem. people need to grow the fuck up, and move the fuck on. i have. 3- i listend to her. shouldnt have done that.... her mistake: thinking she gets away with shit like that; FUCK YOU. fuck your pathetic life, fuck you, fuck how you think everything is so big and right, fuck your dreams, fuck what you want. id slit your fucking throat just to shit down it, if this is how you plan on making it through life treating people. using people just to hear your fucking crap, then after all of that, someone is nice and trusting, and is trying to be a genuinely good person, and being there for you; thats how you treat them.. fuck you. when your read this MD, fuck the hell off. fuck you and your life; i dont need your shit, so get your melodramatic lies and grumblings off my porch... never, never bring that kind of shit to my doorstep every again, and treat someone like that. ever.
" i am just a worthless liar. i am just and imbecile. i will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will find the center of it all. i will chew it up and bleed. "
people and their 'tudes man... what can i say. people and their fucking 'tudes.. someone throws a fit, all about their life... how everything is depressing, makes stupid comments about poking things and causing physical pain... its all a cry out for attention and help. as cold as i am, im not stone; i realize that someone probably wants to atleast talk about whats going on. so i do. i play the compassionate friend role. i open my mouth at one point, shut down. appearantly this is a case, 'woe is me, dont stop my whinning rant'. i excuse myself for the intrusion, and in the name of compassion, again, i sit and listen to everything they have to say. really listen. ask questions about what else is going on, to get a better idea of why they are so frustrated. i listen, i try to empathize with them, try to be the good person, make myself available to them and their plight... just in general trying to be a good friend for someone in need, right? doing the good thing. doing the right thing, doing the christian way of treating people; dealing with them the way id wish them to deal with me. i say one thing, then i hear "uh huh, and then you can just fuck off" then im blocked. 3 mistakes made here on my part.. 1-this isnt the first time this person has done this to me; each time tho, i do the right thing, and try to befriend them... thats my mistake 2- i guess i shouldnt care about them; you know what i know i shouldnt; anyone who is that insecure, that fickle, and that naive really has no business talking to me. the problems they are revolving around, involve shit like marriage to someone they arent even in a relationship with... in fact its all post-fact; they are done, over split, gone; and still they drive themselve insane over nothing. because thats all they have nothing. my fault: mistaking this for a genuine problem. people need to grow the fuck up, and move the fuck on. i have. 3- i listend to her. shouldnt have done that.... her mistake: thinking she gets away with shit like that; FUCK YOU. fuck your pathetic life, fuck you, fuck how you think everything is so big and right, fuck your dreams, fuck what you want. id slit your fucking throat just to shit down it, if this is how you plan on making it through life treating people. using people just to hear your fucking crap, then after all of that, someone is nice and trusting, and is trying to be a genuinely good person, and being there for you; thats how you treat them.. fuck you. when your read this MD, fuck the hell off. fuck you and your life; i dont need your shit, so get your melodramatic lies and grumblings off my porch... never, never bring that kind of shit to my doorstep every again, and treat someone like that. ever.
Sunday, August 25, 2002
Current Musical Selection: GnR Lies album
well its 2:39am... and im still awake. i really thought i was going to stick with the practice of going to bed early this year... but all that has seemingly vanished before classes have even started... speaking of started, my day starts with people banging on my door to wake me up the past two days.. the only thing worse than waking up in the morning is being woken up. so much seems to be going on around here, yet nothing really is... i guess its difficult to describe to someone. each day starts as boring and as pointless as the day before, but each night ends more hurried and exhausted as the night before.
i guess i do rag on and on about the [im]maturity of kids in college these days, but tonight again shows me glimpses of where i may be wrong... while on drunk detail [moving and policing drunk friends from Point A to Point B], they both are oogling over girls passing by. to be honest i was too, but each of them starts proclaiming their fairly primitive carnal desires. after suggesting that they just talk to a group of girls [who were arguably more drunk than they were] they stop me. i was told, that they dont want some easy score drunk bar girls, instead they want a real girlfriend. im puzzled by that. i quite honestly, wasnt expecting to hear an answer like that; not that it stops them from making the predictable comments and gawking, just that even in their states of enbitterment and intoxication; they give me a singularly lucid thought. frankly one i agree with. unfortunately, they spent the remainder of the walk talking about their need for 'pussy' and immediate sources of affection. so much for that moment.
its funny to hear everyone talk about things like that. everyone seems to have these similar, nearly lofty ambitions for themselves. the golden dream as i think of it. which isnt such a bad thing really, i guess we all need hopes and dreams, but they all seem to push the severity of their crisis and situtation. tonight i heard several times the moans and groans of 'ohhh man i really need a woman' 'ohhh its been so long since i had a girl' plus random stories and memories of past relationships. again, in turn, every story is met with its pairing of me needing mine. often the halfassed solutions they produced, revolved around me appearantly aquiring a girl for them. again citing the urgency of past down time. its probably just human reaction im sure. although i dont think i get that way, not any more. i suppose there was a time where i was angry, frustrated and just looking for someone to bail me out of the problem in a jiffy. someone that could just magically move heaven and earth, and provide what i wanted. but im not that way any more. ive gotten old. ive gotten grounded in the world around me. i dont ask for women anymore. why ask for what you cant have, and thats been proven to me time after time. i guess all that i ask for, is that i can live my existence and be done with it. someone complained to me tonight, that they havent had someone of the opposite sex show interest in them in 4 months. boo fucking hoo. guess what, wanna know the last time a girl showed interest in me? never! absolutely never in my life, has a girl told me im cute, funny, desireable or express an attempt to want to date me. never, zilch, nada, none. four months must be real rough people. id hate to see you try four years, let alone fourteen years... right in the very gullet of those formative years; those years right when everyone has dates, everyone is doing everyone else. no, you try going dateless through them all, you try your luck at being shunned by the local female community, you just sit and try to tell me what it would be like for you to get turned down by 5 girls in 2 years to your prom. then you tell me something about going crazy without attention. im going on multiple years, approaching decades; and yet i dont bother anyone else with that. again, people today, i think, really are lacking a sense of grounding. everything revolves around them, and how melodramatic they can up play "me" i dont go around dumping questions without answers, or solutions to illogical problems on people. maybe thats why im different... maybe thats why im the one sitting down here on the keyboard, and they are the ones living such the vicarious existence. what a fucking waste of time.
ain't it fun~
s.
well its 2:39am... and im still awake. i really thought i was going to stick with the practice of going to bed early this year... but all that has seemingly vanished before classes have even started... speaking of started, my day starts with people banging on my door to wake me up the past two days.. the only thing worse than waking up in the morning is being woken up. so much seems to be going on around here, yet nothing really is... i guess its difficult to describe to someone. each day starts as boring and as pointless as the day before, but each night ends more hurried and exhausted as the night before.
i guess i do rag on and on about the [im]maturity of kids in college these days, but tonight again shows me glimpses of where i may be wrong... while on drunk detail [moving and policing drunk friends from Point A to Point B], they both are oogling over girls passing by. to be honest i was too, but each of them starts proclaiming their fairly primitive carnal desires. after suggesting that they just talk to a group of girls [who were arguably more drunk than they were] they stop me. i was told, that they dont want some easy score drunk bar girls, instead they want a real girlfriend. im puzzled by that. i quite honestly, wasnt expecting to hear an answer like that; not that it stops them from making the predictable comments and gawking, just that even in their states of enbitterment and intoxication; they give me a singularly lucid thought. frankly one i agree with. unfortunately, they spent the remainder of the walk talking about their need for 'pussy' and immediate sources of affection. so much for that moment.
its funny to hear everyone talk about things like that. everyone seems to have these similar, nearly lofty ambitions for themselves. the golden dream as i think of it. which isnt such a bad thing really, i guess we all need hopes and dreams, but they all seem to push the severity of their crisis and situtation. tonight i heard several times the moans and groans of 'ohhh man i really need a woman' 'ohhh its been so long since i had a girl' plus random stories and memories of past relationships. again, in turn, every story is met with its pairing of me needing mine. often the halfassed solutions they produced, revolved around me appearantly aquiring a girl for them. again citing the urgency of past down time. its probably just human reaction im sure. although i dont think i get that way, not any more. i suppose there was a time where i was angry, frustrated and just looking for someone to bail me out of the problem in a jiffy. someone that could just magically move heaven and earth, and provide what i wanted. but im not that way any more. ive gotten old. ive gotten grounded in the world around me. i dont ask for women anymore. why ask for what you cant have, and thats been proven to me time after time. i guess all that i ask for, is that i can live my existence and be done with it. someone complained to me tonight, that they havent had someone of the opposite sex show interest in them in 4 months. boo fucking hoo. guess what, wanna know the last time a girl showed interest in me? never! absolutely never in my life, has a girl told me im cute, funny, desireable or express an attempt to want to date me. never, zilch, nada, none. four months must be real rough people. id hate to see you try four years, let alone fourteen years... right in the very gullet of those formative years; those years right when everyone has dates, everyone is doing everyone else. no, you try going dateless through them all, you try your luck at being shunned by the local female community, you just sit and try to tell me what it would be like for you to get turned down by 5 girls in 2 years to your prom. then you tell me something about going crazy without attention. im going on multiple years, approaching decades; and yet i dont bother anyone else with that. again, people today, i think, really are lacking a sense of grounding. everything revolves around them, and how melodramatic they can up play "me" i dont go around dumping questions without answers, or solutions to illogical problems on people. maybe thats why im different... maybe thats why im the one sitting down here on the keyboard, and they are the ones living such the vicarious existence. what a fucking waste of time.
ain't it fun~
s.
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
Current Musical Selection: the Beatles... some misc. stuff from the 'white album'
Today was another installment of wham bam. so much stuff, so little time. even though it seems i spent most of the day in my room; maybe i did... it still went past fairly quickly. ended up buying books today.. that burnt about 500 dollars. just under actually, 460 something; which makes it about the cheapest semester for books ive ever had in my college career.. that alone made me happy to see. but not the trek across 3 stores to buy them... the university of iowa really needs to straighten that up. faculty should only assign books that are textbooks out of one location... im fine with going else where for reading type books... but its crazy to infuse capitalist, private ventures with the massive tentacles of the university machine... im sure kids are overwhelmed as it is with campus, let alone trying to track down books from 3 different places [or more, depending on your major!] especially when they learn that Iowa Book is not University Book... one is a private store a block and a half away from the university's book store in the basement of the student[less] union. fuck em. they fist kids for 120 bucks per book, and give you back 5 at the end of the semester... then take your used books, and sell them back for 95 next semester. fuck em indeed. thats business, fucking kids and parents out of their money.
Tonight i had an interesting conversation with someone online; appearantly durring mid conversation i said something to make them mad; and they resort to the tried and true 'throw it back in your face' method of reconciliation. im glad we do this. it makes it much easier for me to find the true adults in the world, when i see children acting out like that. besides the point, it was the entire idea of guilt tripping... makes me feel like im back in an old relationship, where everything i did with J. ended up in me getting 1)bitched at 2)guilt tripped 3) both 1 and 2. this felt alot like that. not something id like to relive. nor is it something ill go into in great detail toinght.... just the fact of being left with a similar sensation of 'crap' for a feeling; of which you know you havent earned, and you really dont feel bad about; but their words have made you stop and think, then triggered the sensation... maybe thats my consentience kicking in... and maybe people like that dont have one.
ain't it fun~
s.
Today was another installment of wham bam. so much stuff, so little time. even though it seems i spent most of the day in my room; maybe i did... it still went past fairly quickly. ended up buying books today.. that burnt about 500 dollars. just under actually, 460 something; which makes it about the cheapest semester for books ive ever had in my college career.. that alone made me happy to see. but not the trek across 3 stores to buy them... the university of iowa really needs to straighten that up. faculty should only assign books that are textbooks out of one location... im fine with going else where for reading type books... but its crazy to infuse capitalist, private ventures with the massive tentacles of the university machine... im sure kids are overwhelmed as it is with campus, let alone trying to track down books from 3 different places [or more, depending on your major!] especially when they learn that Iowa Book is not University Book... one is a private store a block and a half away from the university's book store in the basement of the student[less] union. fuck em. they fist kids for 120 bucks per book, and give you back 5 at the end of the semester... then take your used books, and sell them back for 95 next semester. fuck em indeed. thats business, fucking kids and parents out of their money.
Tonight i had an interesting conversation with someone online; appearantly durring mid conversation i said something to make them mad; and they resort to the tried and true 'throw it back in your face' method of reconciliation. im glad we do this. it makes it much easier for me to find the true adults in the world, when i see children acting out like that. besides the point, it was the entire idea of guilt tripping... makes me feel like im back in an old relationship, where everything i did with J. ended up in me getting 1)bitched at 2)guilt tripped 3) both 1 and 2. this felt alot like that. not something id like to relive. nor is it something ill go into in great detail toinght.... just the fact of being left with a similar sensation of 'crap' for a feeling; of which you know you havent earned, and you really dont feel bad about; but their words have made you stop and think, then triggered the sensation... maybe thats my consentience kicking in... and maybe people like that dont have one.
ain't it fun~
s.
Current Musical Selection: -= nothing.... absolute solitued, except for the air conditioner =-
Today seems like it was a long day, but it really wasnt. One of those days, that your tired to the soles of your feet, but you really didnt do much work. Today I moved back into Iowa City. Yeah, there was a lot of leg work to get shit into the car, and from their back into my building.... but really not that much. My room is a new room for once. The past two years I lived in the same one; and Ill have to say, there are alot of memories, good and bad with 2114; but all in all, i thought my time there was done. I laughed when i walked through the hallway there today; Greg is still there [my roommate from last year] and theres a sign up for Scott... either its his new roommate, or a funny practical joke; but either way its still fitting none the less.
Partly my decision to move out was based on me aging out. I feel old. I act old. Let me be old by myself. I know im no longer the kid i thought i was comming up to this school; my priorities have changed... hell my outlook on life has had some changes. This year i thought, it was time i was honest with myself, and make a change. so 2303 here i am. in the dark. typing away, all by myself. just like ive done the past two years... its all just another empty room, that ill pass the time in; and when the year is done, ill move on. just like everyone before me; nothing deviating.
the only thing thats really eerie around here is the lack of people... my floor is separated from the rest, and only has something like 10 rooms; only one other guy has moved in... even the RAs arent comming up to visit.. it makes this place seem very quiet and still. too bad in 5 days, it will be hopping worse than a humming bird on speed.
not sure what else to make of today... im sure its nothing important, although id want it to be. time will tell i suppose... time will tell
ain't it fun~
s.
Today seems like it was a long day, but it really wasnt. One of those days, that your tired to the soles of your feet, but you really didnt do much work. Today I moved back into Iowa City. Yeah, there was a lot of leg work to get shit into the car, and from their back into my building.... but really not that much. My room is a new room for once. The past two years I lived in the same one; and Ill have to say, there are alot of memories, good and bad with 2114; but all in all, i thought my time there was done. I laughed when i walked through the hallway there today; Greg is still there [my roommate from last year] and theres a sign up for Scott... either its his new roommate, or a funny practical joke; but either way its still fitting none the less.
Partly my decision to move out was based on me aging out. I feel old. I act old. Let me be old by myself. I know im no longer the kid i thought i was comming up to this school; my priorities have changed... hell my outlook on life has had some changes. This year i thought, it was time i was honest with myself, and make a change. so 2303 here i am. in the dark. typing away, all by myself. just like ive done the past two years... its all just another empty room, that ill pass the time in; and when the year is done, ill move on. just like everyone before me; nothing deviating.
the only thing thats really eerie around here is the lack of people... my floor is separated from the rest, and only has something like 10 rooms; only one other guy has moved in... even the RAs arent comming up to visit.. it makes this place seem very quiet and still. too bad in 5 days, it will be hopping worse than a humming bird on speed.
not sure what else to make of today... im sure its nothing important, although id want it to be. time will tell i suppose... time will tell
ain't it fun~
s.
Saturday, August 17, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Duff McKagan - "I Love You", and other selections from this solo lp; 'Believe In Me'
Once again ive managed to let 6 days come and go before i update this... trust me, i know, the email starts piling up, then the hate-email starts piling up; so wait your turn; ill get to it. it will get updated with much more frequency in less than one week; as ill be moved back in at school and permanently glued to my keyboard and ethernet and T3 once again. im sure the entries will also get shorter as well, so for those of you waiting for my next novel sized installment; wait, it too will be comming in the form of a novel once school and piddly annoying crap concerning school cease. in the meantime; its blog time.
a bit of sad news of late i guess; turns out my great-uncle dean; of kewanee illinios; was diagnosed with cancerous pockets in his jaw and throat area, turns out it was a little too late, and the oncologists determined that the cancer had totally spread throughout his body. he passed away less than a week after diagnosis. its sad; it really is, i never had the chance to see him in the hospital, and probably the last time he saw me was 5 to 10 years ago. im sure he wouldnt recognize me anymore. as it turns out, the funeral and proceedings are early next week, which will postpone my move-in at school. there was rumor floating around earlier that i may be called on to be a pallbearer, so it is a necessary postponement in my mind.
onto other news; as much as i try to avoid mentioning and tieing my thoughts to it, my position in ARH has greatly increased the amount of stress in my life; needlessly so. most of the occurances have been so petty and shallow that they should not have even attracted my attention or time to correct, but they did. moving in the microfriges was so slow going and annoying, taking all of my day; litterally from 7:30am [plus the hour commute before hand] until nearly 6pm. not cool. no big mistakes or problems, just slow work, and people who werent under good directions... after i became frustrated with the process, and changed how we did it, things seemed to move much faster. on the same day i had meetings with the Vice President of the Unviersity, as well as the Assoc. Dean of Students... again, major stress. not from them, they are both interesting people in their own rights, and id probably enjoy a solid hour of quasi-non-business related conversation with them, but thats not really possible is it? instead i hear the answers i dont want to hear, push to get the answers i do want, and end up much more irritable from the process.
last piece of stress realation activity comes from the local printers, to whom i trusted my $3,000 plus; keychain order, would be completed on time and satisfactorily... not so. i find out that the order, which was due today, no exceptions. wouldnt be in. 6,000 keychains, for the kids who move into the dorms next week, will not be ready when the kids are. inexcuseable; yes, stoppable; no, foreseeable; should have been. the one time i place an order with date sensitivity, im defied. ofcourse appologies were passed on from the manufacturer in California, to the printer, to me; but really nothing is going to change this. the box will arrive on monday, i wont arrive until tuesday to dink with it, kids will have been comming in since 8am monday morning. allready im hearing phone calls and emails from deskstaffs, RAs and administrators; bitching and moaning at me about the lack of keychains... to you all i have one simple request [children and virgins cover your ears]
SHUT THE FUCK UP. BACK THE FUCK OFF. SUCK MY FUCKING DICK, IM TIRED OF YOUR GODDAMMED SHIT. [thank you to Axl Rose for the inspriation and insults]--- not only am i well aware of the lack of keychains, but im equally upset about it. but the minute you start putting on guilt trip, or condesending attitudes towards me and this project, i will hear no more of it. these tags are a sign of good faith, and a gesture of good will, which we pay for; for the students... not you. not only will i take offense to what you say and my gift, but ill take them away. these arent mandatory, these arent my job to do, these are my way of showing appreciation; if its not appreciated i walk, and so do the keytags.
i appologize for the language, but again this is my log, not yours. take offense if you want, but the one thing in life i will not stand for are people who overstep their bounds, to make my life worse. the minute some low level desk jockey, who ive never heard of, starts informing me of my errors and misgivings, ill shove this all back out to you in spades. not only do you have no clue who your talking to, you also have no clue what happened, or whats being done. you dont even have jurisdiction over me or my organization; all you do is bitch about getting a free gift; thats not even yours... all of this is out of my hands now, and i think i deserve some credit for trying to rectify that. end sound off here.
as earlier stated, id answer some viewer email---
"what the hell is up with the Aint It Fun quote" --- well the quote comes from Axl Rose, who is actually quoting an old song by Stiv Bators and The Dead Boys... a moderate force in the late 70s/early 80s punk music scene. the stuff is really great, lots of energy, rasp and drugs; the recording quality isnt so great... axl and co. covered the actual song Aint It Fun; for the 1993 Spaghetti Incident? release. great song, great quote.. the song lyrics talk about the various stages of life and its occurances, in a largely cynical way. look it up sometime
next question---
"whats with the Guns and Roses infatuation; they suck, they werent that good, and they are so 80s; move on allready" --- well first off, yes its a mild infatuation, second of all, eat me. the band WAS great, the band IS influential, and its still one of my favorites. it spawned careers of nearly everyone it touched, Izzy, Gilby, Duff, Slash, Adler, Sorum, Andreadis, even the backup singers... everyone has benefitted. although i do love the music, the time period is also nice to remember; its of my formative growing up years so it means something to me to have the music from the time that i remember. above all else, they rock... everything now sucks ass musicaly. nothings new, nothings edgy, everything is labeled in a way that says 'dont label me'. enough of that, GnR can be labeled, and it doesnt fit; the band did nearly every style of song you can think of, and it remains to be seen how many other songs are out there recorded, but never released due to egos, contracts and lifestyles. in short, its my band of choice, not yours.
last question--
"Why do you rant on and on about everything? You hardly ever talk about your life or your day, like most people do in their online journals, why is that?" --- good question. not sure. the world pisses us all off in mysterious ways... i usually will light into something that particularly annoys me at the momment... why do i waste my time? better question; this is supposed to be a catch all for my thoughts. my handwriting has taken such a turn for the worse, that i have problems reading it; so this was the next most logical choice. so in that sense, this is where i turn to an audience thats all my own; you all. in life, most people tire of my rantings after a few moments, some times they listen for hours; so this is still the best place.. the best place to plunk down something. so enjoy.
well bedtime for me... as allways, viewer mail is appreciated, questions comments and snide remarks to"
scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu
till then..
ain't it fun~
s.
Once again ive managed to let 6 days come and go before i update this... trust me, i know, the email starts piling up, then the hate-email starts piling up; so wait your turn; ill get to it. it will get updated with much more frequency in less than one week; as ill be moved back in at school and permanently glued to my keyboard and ethernet and T3 once again. im sure the entries will also get shorter as well, so for those of you waiting for my next novel sized installment; wait, it too will be comming in the form of a novel once school and piddly annoying crap concerning school cease. in the meantime; its blog time.
a bit of sad news of late i guess; turns out my great-uncle dean; of kewanee illinios; was diagnosed with cancerous pockets in his jaw and throat area, turns out it was a little too late, and the oncologists determined that the cancer had totally spread throughout his body. he passed away less than a week after diagnosis. its sad; it really is, i never had the chance to see him in the hospital, and probably the last time he saw me was 5 to 10 years ago. im sure he wouldnt recognize me anymore. as it turns out, the funeral and proceedings are early next week, which will postpone my move-in at school. there was rumor floating around earlier that i may be called on to be a pallbearer, so it is a necessary postponement in my mind.
onto other news; as much as i try to avoid mentioning and tieing my thoughts to it, my position in ARH has greatly increased the amount of stress in my life; needlessly so. most of the occurances have been so petty and shallow that they should not have even attracted my attention or time to correct, but they did. moving in the microfriges was so slow going and annoying, taking all of my day; litterally from 7:30am [plus the hour commute before hand] until nearly 6pm. not cool. no big mistakes or problems, just slow work, and people who werent under good directions... after i became frustrated with the process, and changed how we did it, things seemed to move much faster. on the same day i had meetings with the Vice President of the Unviersity, as well as the Assoc. Dean of Students... again, major stress. not from them, they are both interesting people in their own rights, and id probably enjoy a solid hour of quasi-non-business related conversation with them, but thats not really possible is it? instead i hear the answers i dont want to hear, push to get the answers i do want, and end up much more irritable from the process.
last piece of stress realation activity comes from the local printers, to whom i trusted my $3,000 plus; keychain order, would be completed on time and satisfactorily... not so. i find out that the order, which was due today, no exceptions. wouldnt be in. 6,000 keychains, for the kids who move into the dorms next week, will not be ready when the kids are. inexcuseable; yes, stoppable; no, foreseeable; should have been. the one time i place an order with date sensitivity, im defied. ofcourse appologies were passed on from the manufacturer in California, to the printer, to me; but really nothing is going to change this. the box will arrive on monday, i wont arrive until tuesday to dink with it, kids will have been comming in since 8am monday morning. allready im hearing phone calls and emails from deskstaffs, RAs and administrators; bitching and moaning at me about the lack of keychains... to you all i have one simple request [children and virgins cover your ears]
SHUT THE FUCK UP. BACK THE FUCK OFF. SUCK MY FUCKING DICK, IM TIRED OF YOUR GODDAMMED SHIT. [thank you to Axl Rose for the inspriation and insults]--- not only am i well aware of the lack of keychains, but im equally upset about it. but the minute you start putting on guilt trip, or condesending attitudes towards me and this project, i will hear no more of it. these tags are a sign of good faith, and a gesture of good will, which we pay for; for the students... not you. not only will i take offense to what you say and my gift, but ill take them away. these arent mandatory, these arent my job to do, these are my way of showing appreciation; if its not appreciated i walk, and so do the keytags.
i appologize for the language, but again this is my log, not yours. take offense if you want, but the one thing in life i will not stand for are people who overstep their bounds, to make my life worse. the minute some low level desk jockey, who ive never heard of, starts informing me of my errors and misgivings, ill shove this all back out to you in spades. not only do you have no clue who your talking to, you also have no clue what happened, or whats being done. you dont even have jurisdiction over me or my organization; all you do is bitch about getting a free gift; thats not even yours... all of this is out of my hands now, and i think i deserve some credit for trying to rectify that. end sound off here.
as earlier stated, id answer some viewer email---
"what the hell is up with the Aint It Fun quote" --- well the quote comes from Axl Rose, who is actually quoting an old song by Stiv Bators and The Dead Boys... a moderate force in the late 70s/early 80s punk music scene. the stuff is really great, lots of energy, rasp and drugs; the recording quality isnt so great... axl and co. covered the actual song Aint It Fun; for the 1993 Spaghetti Incident? release. great song, great quote.. the song lyrics talk about the various stages of life and its occurances, in a largely cynical way. look it up sometime
next question---
"whats with the Guns and Roses infatuation; they suck, they werent that good, and they are so 80s; move on allready" --- well first off, yes its a mild infatuation, second of all, eat me. the band WAS great, the band IS influential, and its still one of my favorites. it spawned careers of nearly everyone it touched, Izzy, Gilby, Duff, Slash, Adler, Sorum, Andreadis, even the backup singers... everyone has benefitted. although i do love the music, the time period is also nice to remember; its of my formative growing up years so it means something to me to have the music from the time that i remember. above all else, they rock... everything now sucks ass musicaly. nothings new, nothings edgy, everything is labeled in a way that says 'dont label me'. enough of that, GnR can be labeled, and it doesnt fit; the band did nearly every style of song you can think of, and it remains to be seen how many other songs are out there recorded, but never released due to egos, contracts and lifestyles. in short, its my band of choice, not yours.
last question--
"Why do you rant on and on about everything? You hardly ever talk about your life or your day, like most people do in their online journals, why is that?" --- good question. not sure. the world pisses us all off in mysterious ways... i usually will light into something that particularly annoys me at the momment... why do i waste my time? better question; this is supposed to be a catch all for my thoughts. my handwriting has taken such a turn for the worse, that i have problems reading it; so this was the next most logical choice. so in that sense, this is where i turn to an audience thats all my own; you all. in life, most people tire of my rantings after a few moments, some times they listen for hours; so this is still the best place.. the best place to plunk down something. so enjoy.
well bedtime for me... as allways, viewer mail is appreciated, questions comments and snide remarks to"
scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu
till then..
ain't it fun~
s.
Saturday, August 10, 2002
current musical selection: The Cult - Beyond Good and Evil [album]
It feels good to dig up some old [or just merely forgotten] records and cd's and just blare them at 11/10 notches doesn't it? With no one else home today, I did just that... so if my neighbors are reading this: thanks for not calling the police.
Nothing better than hearing something coming out of the speakers, other than Brittney, Nu-metal or some sappy 3-chord "R&B" [read: Rap without Balls] rip off [read: sampled] from some lame ass 70s funk band... finally I get to hear some real, descent, hard rock and roll... plenty of Stones, the Cult, GnR [as always] and Deep Purple... no crap. Today, although I had nothing else better to do... I had no time for the usual air[over]play of crap.
Hearing some of those parts made me think about some of the good old times... memories attach themselves in the oddest circumstances. Sometimes I hear just a chorus or maybe even only a small snippet of song, and it brings back so much... not only the music, but also what was going on the last time I remember it. Memories aren't so bad, even if the times were... I guess I see the memories as good; and the bad memories as just baggage. Baggage is heavy, its cumbersome, its a loaded term... and generally its not something you want to carry with you... you'd give it a nicer term. You'd call it 'luggage' or 'essentials'; not baggage. No, baggage is the bulk rate shit-sack of every bad, resentful and unpleasant thing that creeps back into your psyche under the auspices of a memory.
You never see it coming. Hell its all got the same postmarkings, right? I mean, you cant tell what it is until you open it all up, and there it is... right in your mind; and its there and its not going away. And you just dread the time it takes before it vanishes, because your stuck remembering and watching and just reliving experiences that you've wanted to forget... but the baggage system doesn't work quite like that I've found. Your baggage has your address. Your baggage always finds its way back to you. And sometimes, other people will even help bring it to you... you didn't want to forget anything anyway, did you?
Random thoughts on thoughts today I guess. A lot of times I catch myself doing that. Hanging up on the past. Memories do attach to the oddest of places. I can remember quite vividly once, probably when I was about 9 years old... somewhere on vacation, in the middle of nowhere.. It was hot, dry, humid.. The kind of days you go swimming on, or eat ice cream. But we're not. We're in this, stinking, wooden collapsing structure; crammed to the gunwales full of crap... old crap, assorted crap, pictures of crap. That's what it all looks like when your 9. You just want to stop looking at it. So instead you run through the place, looking at everything as fast as you can, thinking maybe that when your done looking, you'll get to leave. All the while, my parents aren't paying attention. For whatever reason, my mom is talking shop with this hag of an old woman... the woman must be 90, long gray stringy hair down to her waist, with glasses and wrinkled skin; but still could weigh more than 100 pounds, even in her white flannel night-gown, which she's wearing at mid afternoon still. No, no one is watching, not even me. Then I run into it. Literally. The first time I really ever remembered a casket. I can remember looking at it, and wondering why you'd build a table with hinges... then I get to walking around and looking at it, and I realize what it was. It creeped me out just a bit. But I kept exploring it, eventually climbing on it partway, and realizing there is a glass pane in the lid. That's when I lost it. I could look into see a rotting corpse, I ran down isle, which threaded its self back and around the store to find my dad. They all laughed. Later I did too. Just the sheer madness of why some old antique collector [a bit antiquated herself] would have a casket with a window in it... but I remember it; although I'm sure she wouldn't. And probably not my parents either. But people do help with your baggage too.
I also remember talking with an ex-girl friend on the phone, late one night. All beyond the hate and anger stage, id prepared myself and was striving for the 'friendship' stage that would inevitably develop, due to my infatuation with her. She started talking about nothing. Well, it to her was something, but to me was nothing. She talked about how she hated her roommate, how much she drank the night before; she talked about how she was found half unconscious, vomiting all over herself, clearly from alcohol poisoning. All of it to her was something. It was fun, it was a game, and it was enjoyable to share with me. She giggled, and laughed. And I thought it was nothing. Nothing at all to be proud about, or brag about, with the bravado of 'yeah it was soooo cool' to me it was the kind of incident that might make a seasoned alcoholic work for sobriety. But not to her. To her this was something. So I listened. Appalled, and terrified for her and at her; but I only listened. Even as she tells me how she wakes up the next morning without any clothes on, in some guys bed. Apparently they freaked out when they found her, and just decided the paramedics and campus security would ruin the party, so they treated her. Jocks treated her. She was apparently thrown in a cold shower, stripped, and thrown into bed to sober up. But the giggling re-emerges when she tells me, that when she wakes up, she realizes that she's not even wearing underwear, and some random guy gets embarrassed when he has to create a reason for taking them off her. But she giggles when telling me about it. Maybe even when it was happening too, I'm not sure. I wasn't listening real well; I was sitting on the floor, in the dark, trying to imagine how she could find this all humorous, let alone worth telling me. She wasn't using it as a crutch, or as a coping strategy to relate this to me; no she was in fact, genuinely amused by her story and predicament. I remember then, looking up as the music in the changer switched cd's, its loud, heavy clunk seemed to last for minutes, until it started. Then I heard the song start.
There are a lot of times you can remember things... remembering seems to be the neutral gear of it all. It pre-curses 1st, with throws you headlong into some good memories... or it jams your teeth together, when it rips you straight into reverse, straight back to reclaim the baggage that you lost.
ain't it fun~
s.
It feels good to dig up some old [or just merely forgotten] records and cd's and just blare them at 11/10 notches doesn't it? With no one else home today, I did just that... so if my neighbors are reading this: thanks for not calling the police.
Nothing better than hearing something coming out of the speakers, other than Brittney, Nu-metal or some sappy 3-chord "R&B" [read: Rap without Balls] rip off [read: sampled] from some lame ass 70s funk band... finally I get to hear some real, descent, hard rock and roll... plenty of Stones, the Cult, GnR [as always] and Deep Purple... no crap. Today, although I had nothing else better to do... I had no time for the usual air[over]play of crap.
Hearing some of those parts made me think about some of the good old times... memories attach themselves in the oddest circumstances. Sometimes I hear just a chorus or maybe even only a small snippet of song, and it brings back so much... not only the music, but also what was going on the last time I remember it. Memories aren't so bad, even if the times were... I guess I see the memories as good; and the bad memories as just baggage. Baggage is heavy, its cumbersome, its a loaded term... and generally its not something you want to carry with you... you'd give it a nicer term. You'd call it 'luggage' or 'essentials'; not baggage. No, baggage is the bulk rate shit-sack of every bad, resentful and unpleasant thing that creeps back into your psyche under the auspices of a memory.
You never see it coming. Hell its all got the same postmarkings, right? I mean, you cant tell what it is until you open it all up, and there it is... right in your mind; and its there and its not going away. And you just dread the time it takes before it vanishes, because your stuck remembering and watching and just reliving experiences that you've wanted to forget... but the baggage system doesn't work quite like that I've found. Your baggage has your address. Your baggage always finds its way back to you. And sometimes, other people will even help bring it to you... you didn't want to forget anything anyway, did you?
Random thoughts on thoughts today I guess. A lot of times I catch myself doing that. Hanging up on the past. Memories do attach to the oddest of places. I can remember quite vividly once, probably when I was about 9 years old... somewhere on vacation, in the middle of nowhere.. It was hot, dry, humid.. The kind of days you go swimming on, or eat ice cream. But we're not. We're in this, stinking, wooden collapsing structure; crammed to the gunwales full of crap... old crap, assorted crap, pictures of crap. That's what it all looks like when your 9. You just want to stop looking at it. So instead you run through the place, looking at everything as fast as you can, thinking maybe that when your done looking, you'll get to leave. All the while, my parents aren't paying attention. For whatever reason, my mom is talking shop with this hag of an old woman... the woman must be 90, long gray stringy hair down to her waist, with glasses and wrinkled skin; but still could weigh more than 100 pounds, even in her white flannel night-gown, which she's wearing at mid afternoon still. No, no one is watching, not even me. Then I run into it. Literally. The first time I really ever remembered a casket. I can remember looking at it, and wondering why you'd build a table with hinges... then I get to walking around and looking at it, and I realize what it was. It creeped me out just a bit. But I kept exploring it, eventually climbing on it partway, and realizing there is a glass pane in the lid. That's when I lost it. I could look into see a rotting corpse, I ran down isle, which threaded its self back and around the store to find my dad. They all laughed. Later I did too. Just the sheer madness of why some old antique collector [a bit antiquated herself] would have a casket with a window in it... but I remember it; although I'm sure she wouldn't. And probably not my parents either. But people do help with your baggage too.
I also remember talking with an ex-girl friend on the phone, late one night. All beyond the hate and anger stage, id prepared myself and was striving for the 'friendship' stage that would inevitably develop, due to my infatuation with her. She started talking about nothing. Well, it to her was something, but to me was nothing. She talked about how she hated her roommate, how much she drank the night before; she talked about how she was found half unconscious, vomiting all over herself, clearly from alcohol poisoning. All of it to her was something. It was fun, it was a game, and it was enjoyable to share with me. She giggled, and laughed. And I thought it was nothing. Nothing at all to be proud about, or brag about, with the bravado of 'yeah it was soooo cool' to me it was the kind of incident that might make a seasoned alcoholic work for sobriety. But not to her. To her this was something. So I listened. Appalled, and terrified for her and at her; but I only listened. Even as she tells me how she wakes up the next morning without any clothes on, in some guys bed. Apparently they freaked out when they found her, and just decided the paramedics and campus security would ruin the party, so they treated her. Jocks treated her. She was apparently thrown in a cold shower, stripped, and thrown into bed to sober up. But the giggling re-emerges when she tells me, that when she wakes up, she realizes that she's not even wearing underwear, and some random guy gets embarrassed when he has to create a reason for taking them off her. But she giggles when telling me about it. Maybe even when it was happening too, I'm not sure. I wasn't listening real well; I was sitting on the floor, in the dark, trying to imagine how she could find this all humorous, let alone worth telling me. She wasn't using it as a crutch, or as a coping strategy to relate this to me; no she was in fact, genuinely amused by her story and predicament. I remember then, looking up as the music in the changer switched cd's, its loud, heavy clunk seemed to last for minutes, until it started. Then I heard the song start.
There are a lot of times you can remember things... remembering seems to be the neutral gear of it all. It pre-curses 1st, with throws you headlong into some good memories... or it jams your teeth together, when it rips you straight into reverse, straight back to reclaim the baggage that you lost.
ain't it fun~
s.
Monday, August 05, 2002
current musical selection: Rolling Stones - Some Girls [album]
Something is really starting to make me dread this comming school term... as i was sitting and thinking about whats come and gone, i keep forcing myself to look ahead to what will come; and it isnt necessarily going to be the best of times.
with the entire ARH cloud looming closer still, and with the pesky interference of grades and coursework still poking about; it seems i wont have much, if any, free time to speak of. im not sure i like that idea. although last year was probably nearly as busy, i still managed to create time to sit and relax, and just be around people and friends when i chose. im doubting this years schedule will again afford me such luxury.
obviously this is a pretty negative thought for me; but i think its more of a bring down to my friends. we all moved onto the same floor, within about oh 15 feet of each other, for the continued commradory... which i think will be lacking me. granted i will be around at times, but i think we both will have had similar expectations of which, i dont think, it will be possible for me to live up to.
i suppose i should also mention my personal life is bound to suffer some more as well, due to the workaholic nature of what ill be doing... but thats not really much of a concession to make, especially if you lived my [lack of] dating life. its funny how everyone always mentions that "some day you'll find the one" to me thats extremely freightening... not the notion of a match, though that too is pretty ludacris, but more over the notion that there is one out there... one, singular, uno, one. granted im sure its not intentioned that way, but why do we say it that way? surely it cant be meant that way, hell half this country's marriages end in divorce, and who knows how many of the remaining half are not plagued by infidelity or periods of mutual separation, both in mind and body, from one another. to me the thought of only having that 'one' possibility seems much more bleek than the million to one it ought to be... still its not like a billion to one odds are much more favorable.
the whole subject of marriage has been topic for many of my rants in real life conversation... forcing many people to become overly insecure and objective over my thoughts, but ill save most of you here, by-passing most of that for now. but what i will say is that marriage has been so down-graded in the past 2 generations in this country, that i seriously question why anyone would want to get married anymore? i know that people themselves definitely question this. marriage is something now which is a multi-billion dollar business... both getting married and getting un-married. infact weve created so many divorces and grounds for divorce, that its no wonder the divorce rate is what it is. honestly i think the underlying fault of all this has been the "me first" and "liberation" movements of the past 40 years. we push and push for me, me, me; and when marriage becomes 'too hard' or 'irreconsilable' we call it quits, and move on to number 2-4. honestly what was happening about 700 years ago, before we started issuing divorces? were people any more happy? were domestic disputes really that less frequent? i doubt it. life was harder then, more taxing on ones existence, and honestly domestic disputes and random wife beatings were quite abit more likely to ocurr; so then why the move to divorce in mass groves now? i mean, it sounds to the logical person, that divorces or similar remedy should have been abundant in those times, and they werent; what changed? us. weve demanded upon ourselves as a culture that everything has got to revolve around our ears. everything comes 'custom fit' now a days, everyone has to look unique and different, even in the trends they utilize to be unique [read: body piercing, tattooing, slut-tastic appearal]. even our scientific institutions have to be riddled with uniqueness for us; every disease now has a fancy 5-dollar name, and most likely will be recomended to a 'specialist' for consultation... ill be damned, but i havent seen the physical from of the homo-sapiens as documented as remarkedly changed as the way we treat it now. but, i digress... we want these fancy ailments; its more sympathy, its more distinction, its more dignity in a morbid fashion. to say im deathly ill, or to say i have cancer, or to say i have hodgkins based non-lymphomic degenerative carcinoma; realisitically mean the same thing. but today, we urge the last term, it makes us an astute, special sounding paitent; for which we can further 'tailor' our treatments to.
back to the marriage question next time, lets first see this through; we push everything to the ME level. is this what i want; if not, its not acceptable any longer. look at boob-jobs... the operation of limited execution maybe 10 years ago, is now so abundant in our culture, id suggest keeping any woman with moderately large mammories away from any open flames for fear of combustion!, but the excuse is always the same, "i did it for me" [although im sure their current 'friend' aka sexual partner, probably values them as well] but it all has to revolve around the ME level again. Why didnt you vote?-- well it doesnt affect ME. Why do you exercise?-- well it will make men notice ME. Why do you dump your boyfriend?-- he was smothering ME. damn you Oprah Winfrey. your sappy shit "take a momment for us" vignetes and preachings in your multi-million circulating sources have sucked the culture out of our country, and reduced it to MEs. and thats what we have now really. MEs. just a crowd of people, who scream the desire to be more individualistic than the person next to them; just in the name of individuality. it should be pretty clear to see we carry this over to our relationships as well, shouldnt it? When your boyfriend 'smothers' you, what does that mean? probably something tragic like, he didnt want to watch "Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood" with you and your mother, or that watching "Sex In the City" with you would only be tolerable if Sarah Jessica Parker threw a boob out once in a while... smothering you means only that we dont want to accept, and take second seat to your ME attitude approach to life. if your man beats you, i suppose thats a good reason to walk out on him; but because he doesnt want thursday morning yoga classes with you isnt. besides, all of you dress alike in the class, how is he supposed to find you? oh i forget.. you just scream 'ITS ME' like everyone else. forget you all. but dont worry, im not done with this topic.
ain't it fun~
s.
Thursday, August 01, 2002
current musical selection: Guns 'N Roses - Its So Easy
dammit its thursday allready.. i really dont know where time goes to. its one of the most frustrating things i think ive ever never paid attention to. well, that and my slash and burn approach to the english grammar. but really; the older i get, the faster time seems to move. dont rank me up with einstein on this, but it seems to be holding up. it really seems like just yesterday when i was writing in here; which was sunday in actuallity; then i get some irrate view-email about my lack of postings... fuckit. i realize ive missed another week. and its not that im doing anything to move the time, just that it goes by; even sitting on the deck the other day reading a book after dinner, i had no clue that 3 and a half hours had went by... hell even strenuous physical labor seems to be moving quickly [what else would you call mowing monster hills with a push mower in 100 degree + heat index weather].
im told thats one of the signs of getting old... noticing the accelerated passage of time... thank god i havent hit the second plateau: not remembering the accelerated passage of time. but lets face it, i am getting old. some days its worse than others... and it is an obtuse thought, to even consider, that im ending up more and more like my parents; but it really is happening. i even find the trend happening at school... more so lately. the longer i live in the residence halls, the younger everyone seems; and im not talking weeks/days/years; im feeling generational differences between the kids as they come in now, even from when i started, let alone where im at now. one of the things that really put it into perspective was the whole internet/computer revolution. any generation older than mine [being born lets say before 1977] has had to learn to accept computers in the home... or even computers as a general concept.. before that nothing much existed... but with my generation from roughly that time forward until approximately 1990ish.. we all grew up with the primitive versions of at-home-computing... im talking strait laced atari 2600's, magnavox pong, and the commodore 64. we have grown up knowing, and using computers.. but weve watched them evolve in our hands, technology has moved slow enough that we adapt on the fly, earlier generations are befuddled by it and often require a lag time before accepting changes... then comes about the new micro-generation as i refer to it... these kids, now about 13 to 8 years old have no idea where computers started from--- they have no recollection, and have likely seen nothing of what their generation-mates have... never have they had blisters on their hands from pointed, crappily designed 1 button joysticks, or been forced to operated 'digital' gaming devices by LEVERs [as with the atari's] and not with a mouse. the kids now really dont know anything except the internet and what thats brought about. i catch myself in wonder watching my younger brother grasp technology without the wonder that i did; its allready been taken for granted. really. in the space of a half generation or less, a massive tidal wave of tecnological revolution has been brought and digested. shit, kids wont even know what vcr's [let alone Beta format... or even old super-8 reel film w/o sound!] are in few years... if its not TiVO or doesnt have some 3 dollar 'digital' wording moniker, its ancient history. watching my brother use technology [he will start high school this year] is an interesting process... i mean god dammit, these kids now will be watching moies and things that are all digitally constructed and stored in school, but just a few short years ago when i was there, we didnt have anythign like it, really even on the horizon. i remember struggling to create a working knowledge of PC Dos [yeah.. before microsoft -=bm=-] then my attempts at true UNIX [before it needed fancyshit names like Lindows and Redhat] language... and kids of this age and younger now, are perplexed at how to operate computers without pictures, GUI's and mouse... not to mention the black screen with green text is considered "pretty dull man"; fuck even Their versions of Unix have to have pictures [reference to previous citation of Lindows and Redhat distros of linux, and similar unix cored OS with GUI--- post edit S.A.] really thats what makes me feel old.. im seeing the sweeping changes that are occuring within my own generation... im watching it divide off and segment out...
as ive told some friends many times in conversation, this over technologication of daily life is crippling the way traditional america operates... as i continued with that rant, "we always will need someone to scoop horeshit from stalls, we allways need people to be janitor and scrub walls; where do allow for them in this new era?; where do cultivate the workers we need for general, non-skilled, descently paid manual labor tasks? and is it necessary that we 1- train them in technology, and 2-infuse it into what they do? next thing we will have electronic mops that tell you when to wring them out, or something similar in its stupidity in techno-infusion."
god i am getting old... hopefully someday i wont be as so old to no longer instruct a snot-nosed-punk kid how to scrub a floor; but have his mop do it for me... anywho.. a simple programming note - i think for next time ill dip in to a little VIEWER MAIL!!!! anything stuipd youd like my 2 cents on, or just something youd like to hear about me; go ahead and drop away at: scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu ; and as always i look forward to your responses to what i say.. just remember dont expect to see it end up here.. this is my space, not yours... until then
ain't it fun~
s.
Sunday, July 28, 2002
current musical selection: Monster Magnet - God Says No
its raining outside.... really this is my favorite weather... i dont like the humidity in the 90% region-- but i do love it when it rains. gloomy-doomys.. thats pretty much my cup o' tea... cept i dont drink tea.. tea sucks ass....
"fireing in my friend, but i come back again and again... i just cant pretend, one more step and ill start bend..... i tried to live, then god says no
we go on our way; just waiting for that lucky day.....i tried every way, just so that god can blow me away"
ive come to realize a few things lately.... i was talking with a long time friend the other night; and i realized that no one ever wants to hear what i have to say. no no, its not her fault.. i mean really this is something so trivial enough that it never usually comes across my mind; but lately in conversations with multiple people, ive noticed it. i can mention something; and it doesnt matter. i can say a clever word; and i get a glare, then it resumes. i can try to be sympathetic and just listen and all will go fine; until i make a conjecture, change of subject, or mark of advice; then it grinds to a halt. really interesting how fluidly the conversation will wing around my attempt to speak.
"scary thoughts, wishing we were dead... you wont get caught unless you are queer... then youll be ready for the new frontier.
its good to be bad; its the best time youll ever have.... what the hell is this ultra fad.... just play it cool, and lets work on our ass.. you start to laugh, then god says no"
i guess its always been interesting to me how people tend to express their feelings. alot of what people think is so complex, to me settles out being rather trivial. maybe thats too condescending; and maybe thats just right... seems to me people make big, big predicaments over small occurances or events that really no longer warrant any thought. granted, im not removing myself from this category; sure some of my past actions did seem, in retrospect, pointless to worry about... and really from that perspective its all and all rather pointless for me to have said or done anything, with circumstances standing as they did. but people it seems arent that way. people seem to need something to be catastrophic, something so big and debilitating that they must triumph through it all, and only with near mystical prowess and perserverance, will they truely live on... even after bobby never called them back last night, when he said he would. trivial shit indeed.
"I need some love, to start the show... but ask just once, and god says no...a point of life flies through my head; a scary thought like I was someone else... adn dont get lost now and show no fear; then youll be ready for a new frontier..."
maybe im not as compassionate as my peers would suggest i need to be. maybe ive just grown up while theyve only grown in. i can recollect when i thought things were a mess... honestly they might have been, with all the circumstances that id put myself into, but wholey they were my own.... my own mistakes, my own misgivings, my own illusions... and much like the song goes, "I bought me an illusion, and i put it on the wall.. i let it fill head with dreams, and i had to have them all... but oh the taste is never so sweet as what youd beleive it is.. well i guess it never is" [partial lyrics to Guns N Roses "Locomotive" from the Use Your Illusion 2 album---post edit S.A] but even despite of all that, i rarely turned my frustrations against another, and very, very seldomnly admitted what was going on to others; and only then in the closest of confidence to friends... to me it never became a nightly show... or the only topic of oratation... maybe thats the difference.. i really never let myself hose people with my own self doubts, pitty and remorse.. i had plenty of that for myself... some say i still do.
maybe its my own rules to the game, but i think proper edicate of conversation, especially when confronted with emotionally laden tales, is to allow some else to talk. yes yes i suppose you should dam the river before the lake, but what are you really expecting this other person to do with the baggage you drop on them? if you dont want it returned, dont bring it to them. own up to yourself first.
ain't it fun~
s.
--------------------------------------
all italics are the lyrics to the song "God Says No" by Monster Magnet
buy the album.. its goooooood shtuff
its raining outside.... really this is my favorite weather... i dont like the humidity in the 90% region-- but i do love it when it rains. gloomy-doomys.. thats pretty much my cup o' tea... cept i dont drink tea.. tea sucks ass....
"fireing in my friend, but i come back again and again... i just cant pretend, one more step and ill start bend..... i tried to live, then god says no
we go on our way; just waiting for that lucky day.....i tried every way, just so that god can blow me away"
ive come to realize a few things lately.... i was talking with a long time friend the other night; and i realized that no one ever wants to hear what i have to say. no no, its not her fault.. i mean really this is something so trivial enough that it never usually comes across my mind; but lately in conversations with multiple people, ive noticed it. i can mention something; and it doesnt matter. i can say a clever word; and i get a glare, then it resumes. i can try to be sympathetic and just listen and all will go fine; until i make a conjecture, change of subject, or mark of advice; then it grinds to a halt. really interesting how fluidly the conversation will wing around my attempt to speak.
"scary thoughts, wishing we were dead... you wont get caught unless you are queer... then youll be ready for the new frontier.
its good to be bad; its the best time youll ever have.... what the hell is this ultra fad.... just play it cool, and lets work on our ass.. you start to laugh, then god says no"
i guess its always been interesting to me how people tend to express their feelings. alot of what people think is so complex, to me settles out being rather trivial. maybe thats too condescending; and maybe thats just right... seems to me people make big, big predicaments over small occurances or events that really no longer warrant any thought. granted, im not removing myself from this category; sure some of my past actions did seem, in retrospect, pointless to worry about... and really from that perspective its all and all rather pointless for me to have said or done anything, with circumstances standing as they did. but people it seems arent that way. people seem to need something to be catastrophic, something so big and debilitating that they must triumph through it all, and only with near mystical prowess and perserverance, will they truely live on... even after bobby never called them back last night, when he said he would. trivial shit indeed.
"I need some love, to start the show... but ask just once, and god says no...a point of life flies through my head; a scary thought like I was someone else... adn dont get lost now and show no fear; then youll be ready for a new frontier..."
maybe im not as compassionate as my peers would suggest i need to be. maybe ive just grown up while theyve only grown in. i can recollect when i thought things were a mess... honestly they might have been, with all the circumstances that id put myself into, but wholey they were my own.... my own mistakes, my own misgivings, my own illusions... and much like the song goes, "I bought me an illusion, and i put it on the wall.. i let it fill head with dreams, and i had to have them all... but oh the taste is never so sweet as what youd beleive it is.. well i guess it never is" [partial lyrics to Guns N Roses "Locomotive" from the Use Your Illusion 2 album---post edit S.A] but even despite of all that, i rarely turned my frustrations against another, and very, very seldomnly admitted what was going on to others; and only then in the closest of confidence to friends... to me it never became a nightly show... or the only topic of oratation... maybe thats the difference.. i really never let myself hose people with my own self doubts, pitty and remorse.. i had plenty of that for myself... some say i still do.
maybe its my own rules to the game, but i think proper edicate of conversation, especially when confronted with emotionally laden tales, is to allow some else to talk. yes yes i suppose you should dam the river before the lake, but what are you really expecting this other person to do with the baggage you drop on them? if you dont want it returned, dont bring it to them. own up to yourself first.
ain't it fun~
s.
--------------------------------------
all italics are the lyrics to the song "God Says No" by Monster Magnet
buy the album.. its goooooood shtuff
Thursday, July 25, 2002
geez two days or so are allready come and gone...
lately ive been loosing myself in books... books are good.. granted, this isnt something i would probably have said several years ago, but for right now, and for whatever reasons, ive been really focusuing on completing massive amounts of reading.. current stop is the famed "Turner Diaries" Interesting book. Short too. the paperback version i have is something like 200 pages.. ive easily covered 2/3's of it in about 2 hours... yes, it does focus on lots of nasty little ideas like racisim and anti-semetics... but also hits home on several other issues, dealing with the liberties of personal ownership, government restriction of the private sector, and believe it or not, immigration status. It was written in the '70s.. and it shows.. the books actually takes place in the early '90s, but little things havent come about [like the INTERNET] among others; but it is quite focused stab on social commentary, one interesting portion:
" Nor have the girls remained entirely passive. Sexual debauchery of every sort on the part of young white ment and women-- and even children in their pre-teens -- has reached a level which would have been unimaginable only two or three years ago. The queers, the fetishists, the mixed-race couples, the sadists, and the exhibitionists-- urged on by the mass media -- are parading their perversions in public, and the public is joining them. " [Macdonald, 58]
its really quite shocking how close this is to whats going on in american society today; to claim that thongs on 12 year old girls is anything but the stuff of 'sexual debauchery' that its labeled in the above citation, is pure non-sense. today we've 'liberated' ourselves to such a pedistal that not only is this type of utter attrocious conduct, is not only acceptable, but MODEL-able. If it werent, Britney and Christina would be out of a job. Hell you deviant sick fucks [no, i will not allow you the curteous of polite and non-judgemental naming] should really be locked up. As far as for the rest of the sexual fetishes and the like.. watch Jerry Springer some afternoon. Havent watched any episodes dealing with flowers and bunny rabits... no, instead they all parade aroud in their life's grand state of turmoil; utterly torn between the rules of safe and harbored sato-masichism and the daring and courageous advent of the homo-erotic sato-masichistic. What turmoil indeed.
Thats about half a sentence from my volumeous tale of rant. I really shouldnt go much farther than that.... so instead, the 'Turner Diaries' is actually hitting on some interesting ideas, like i said before, again its plain as day to see how people will make the quite literal 'rip' of racial content; and most of them will never look deeper than that; but if one should manage it, extrapolating the basic arguments and applying it into quasi-modern context is relevant. Case-in-point: basic argument of private ownership of firearms is key to lighting the main-character and co. into action, which is ofcourse, perpretrated by government action. The parallel that leapt into my head translated to "DMCA" [read it all if youd like.. its really long, pretty much its the definitive end of personal 'ownership' rights over electronic media and devices [IE- it nixes out your right as consumer to make a copy of your music cd, that you bought.. citing that it is a license you purchased, and the act you attempt is not in good faith of that licensing agreement... ultimately this law has paved the way for the copy protection crap that we see now.. including the zone coding on DVDs; but read up on it, its your right afteral... {S.A; post edit}]
Yeah i guess i read into it a bit much; but i really do see the DMCA issue being replicated with Macdonalds [a psuedonym for the real author: William Pierce, recently died] portrayal of government backed seizure of legitimately owned private property. Case-in-point 2: the use of the government owned, computer network for checking of citizen status || yep, you guessed it, Washington's answer to the 'Al Queada" problem.. creating a mass citizen database, for checking up on the authenticity and accuracy of a person to be inside this country's borders. Ofcourse theres also the mention of a September 11th attack, [p.94 ], or the media's grand epiphony to connect Timmothy McVeigh with the annhydous ammonia truck bomb plot, with the similar exploits of the main character on the FBI head quarters [p.38]. But in my mind this all goes to show you, who actually reads the stuff we write. Shocking yes, but people like me do read, and unfortunately we also have rather hard-lined separatists and idealists who also read; and alot of this just becomes food for thought for them. If the cold hearted killers, or even hardnosed business men seaching for the top profit [McVeigh, 9/11 hijackers and co-conspirators, and ofcourse Hollywood execs and the RIIA] find in our literature; i really fear for what those young girls, sporting those trendy Abercrombe thongs will pick up on.
Granted, im a cold, vile and direct person. I make no appologies for that, but really, what kind of message does that send? really we cant expect a truely harbored existence for our young impresionable children of today, but for christ's sake; why do we feel to propagate our own debaucherous activites down to their accessible reach? Sure, I, as a creepy old man, many have some really horrid dreams and fantasies about 'bubble-bath time with Brittney', by why are we ptiching these types of things back at the 12 year olds? I mean really, check out a half hour of MTV; the videos of makeout sessions and lude sex acts, commonly attributed to music starts, are now drawing in outside influences [IE- Anna Kournikova of the tennis world in Enrique Iglases vid.. SA post edit] not to mention the sick perversion of 'hollywoodism' we attribute to most rapp'ers lifestyles. Is it really the ideal type for our society? Even if; are we really correct in making this point for these kids, at such an early age?
you decide it. ill keep reading, and leave you pitiful pop culture media whores to your own world, and return to my books.
ain't it fun~
s.
lately ive been loosing myself in books... books are good.. granted, this isnt something i would probably have said several years ago, but for right now, and for whatever reasons, ive been really focusuing on completing massive amounts of reading.. current stop is the famed "Turner Diaries" Interesting book. Short too. the paperback version i have is something like 200 pages.. ive easily covered 2/3's of it in about 2 hours... yes, it does focus on lots of nasty little ideas like racisim and anti-semetics... but also hits home on several other issues, dealing with the liberties of personal ownership, government restriction of the private sector, and believe it or not, immigration status. It was written in the '70s.. and it shows.. the books actually takes place in the early '90s, but little things havent come about [like the INTERNET] among others; but it is quite focused stab on social commentary, one interesting portion:
" Nor have the girls remained entirely passive. Sexual debauchery of every sort on the part of young white ment and women-- and even children in their pre-teens -- has reached a level which would have been unimaginable only two or three years ago. The queers, the fetishists, the mixed-race couples, the sadists, and the exhibitionists-- urged on by the mass media -- are parading their perversions in public, and the public is joining them. " [Macdonald, 58]
its really quite shocking how close this is to whats going on in american society today; to claim that thongs on 12 year old girls is anything but the stuff of 'sexual debauchery' that its labeled in the above citation, is pure non-sense. today we've 'liberated' ourselves to such a pedistal that not only is this type of utter attrocious conduct, is not only acceptable, but MODEL-able. If it werent, Britney and Christina would be out of a job. Hell you deviant sick fucks [no, i will not allow you the curteous of polite and non-judgemental naming] should really be locked up. As far as for the rest of the sexual fetishes and the like.. watch Jerry Springer some afternoon. Havent watched any episodes dealing with flowers and bunny rabits... no, instead they all parade aroud in their life's grand state of turmoil; utterly torn between the rules of safe and harbored sato-masichism and the daring and courageous advent of the homo-erotic sato-masichistic. What turmoil indeed.
Thats about half a sentence from my volumeous tale of rant. I really shouldnt go much farther than that.... so instead, the 'Turner Diaries' is actually hitting on some interesting ideas, like i said before, again its plain as day to see how people will make the quite literal 'rip' of racial content; and most of them will never look deeper than that; but if one should manage it, extrapolating the basic arguments and applying it into quasi-modern context is relevant. Case-in-point: basic argument of private ownership of firearms is key to lighting the main-character and co. into action, which is ofcourse, perpretrated by government action. The parallel that leapt into my head translated to "DMCA" [read it all if youd like.. its really long, pretty much its the definitive end of personal 'ownership' rights over electronic media and devices [IE- it nixes out your right as consumer to make a copy of your music cd, that you bought.. citing that it is a license you purchased, and the act you attempt is not in good faith of that licensing agreement... ultimately this law has paved the way for the copy protection crap that we see now.. including the zone coding on DVDs; but read up on it, its your right afteral... {S.A; post edit}]
Yeah i guess i read into it a bit much; but i really do see the DMCA issue being replicated with Macdonalds [a psuedonym for the real author: William Pierce, recently died] portrayal of government backed seizure of legitimately owned private property. Case-in-point 2: the use of the government owned, computer network for checking of citizen status || yep, you guessed it, Washington's answer to the 'Al Queada" problem.. creating a mass citizen database, for checking up on the authenticity and accuracy of a person to be inside this country's borders. Ofcourse theres also the mention of a September 11th attack, [p.94 ], or the media's grand epiphony to connect Timmothy McVeigh with the annhydous ammonia truck bomb plot, with the similar exploits of the main character on the FBI head quarters [p.38]. But in my mind this all goes to show you, who actually reads the stuff we write. Shocking yes, but people like me do read, and unfortunately we also have rather hard-lined separatists and idealists who also read; and alot of this just becomes food for thought for them. If the cold hearted killers, or even hardnosed business men seaching for the top profit [McVeigh, 9/11 hijackers and co-conspirators, and ofcourse Hollywood execs and the RIIA] find in our literature; i really fear for what those young girls, sporting those trendy Abercrombe thongs will pick up on.
Granted, im a cold, vile and direct person. I make no appologies for that, but really, what kind of message does that send? really we cant expect a truely harbored existence for our young impresionable children of today, but for christ's sake; why do we feel to propagate our own debaucherous activites down to their accessible reach? Sure, I, as a creepy old man, many have some really horrid dreams and fantasies about 'bubble-bath time with Brittney', by why are we ptiching these types of things back at the 12 year olds? I mean really, check out a half hour of MTV; the videos of makeout sessions and lude sex acts, commonly attributed to music starts, are now drawing in outside influences [IE- Anna Kournikova of the tennis world in Enrique Iglases vid.. SA post edit] not to mention the sick perversion of 'hollywoodism' we attribute to most rapp'ers lifestyles. Is it really the ideal type for our society? Even if; are we really correct in making this point for these kids, at such an early age?
you decide it. ill keep reading, and leave you pitiful pop culture media whores to your own world, and return to my books.
ain't it fun~
s.
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
POST NUMERO UNO!
Yep.. Im here. Its really funny, i used to do something like this on my old website [back when xoom.com was alive... god rest ye soul~!]; it was a pain in the ass to keep updating everything in a txt file to do it... im glad technology finally caught up to me once again.
Anywho. post numero uno should be a joyous one.. so ill talk about myself in another entry. As you can tell, if your cool, the title of this blog was ripped from my two of my favorite Guns n Roses songs... Estranged and Its So Easy... GnFnR for life! yeah.. first post is going well.. im glad i have such a great audience here tonight. ill get into more concrete things later... just getting her set up.....
THIS BLOG WAS BORN ON JULY 23, 2002 at 1:53am CST.
ain't it fun~
s.
Yep.. Im here. Its really funny, i used to do something like this on my old website [back when xoom.com was alive... god rest ye soul~!]; it was a pain in the ass to keep updating everything in a txt file to do it... im glad technology finally caught up to me once again.
Anywho. post numero uno should be a joyous one.. so ill talk about myself in another entry. As you can tell, if your cool, the title of this blog was ripped from my two of my favorite Guns n Roses songs... Estranged and Its So Easy... GnFnR for life! yeah.. first post is going well.. im glad i have such a great audience here tonight. ill get into more concrete things later... just getting her set up.....
THIS BLOG WAS BORN ON JULY 23, 2002 at 1:53am CST.
ain't it fun~
s.
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