Fraud Is Fun

gee isnt it. fraud is fun? deception is game, and its the best kept secret one can have. kinda like buying a phone on ebay.. listed as new in box... still wrapped and stickered... THATS STOLEN. Fraud Is Fun. its crooked fun i suppose. maybe Phun even. but the rigors of staying fraudulent... those are pretty concrete. so Fraud is Phun. i got a great paper weight out of this. it lights up and everything. does calculations, laptimes, games... hell its even supposed to answer my phone calls for me... but it wont. since its a stolen phone. im working on clearing my name in the legal legistics circus this will become. but Fraud Is Phun! att then gets my money; again for service, and now for another phone. one that does work. best part is ATT wouldnt even tell me who is the rightful owner of this stolen phone. i offered to ship it back to the owner, at my expense, because its the right thing to do. a no go. ATT said they dont know, and dont care. they are just happy that no one can ever use this phone again. except me. or who ever it really belongs to. sigh. Fraud Is Phun.

i need to get away from here. im gone the next few days.

[you are smart. we both know youll read this, and youll know why i left]

Current Musical Selection: Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan - The Girl From The North Country

well.. im not as mad as i was earlier. its hard to stay angry with music like this. bob slows down his song and teams up with Cash sometime in 1969 to pull off the song. sounds very different. very comfortable. very relaxed. very sorrowful. i almost like it more than the original. if you want it, let me know... i will trade this mp3 as its never been published [officially] to my knowledge.

latin is stupid. it makes sense. and there are days i still enjoy it. but its hard to feel like i can enjoy it when i dump so much time into it for nothing; then just get beat down for missing a day here and there. bob doesnt realize what goes on in my life; or that i work more hours than he does. add job hours plus just inclass hours, and youve got near a 50 hour week. thats not counting the time for this unending outside of class crap. soc may still kill me yet 2 research projects due soon. 1 in about 3 weeks. another gets a month repreive. im more excited about the first one. lots of work to do, lots of things to get done. plus i have to present on it. im not sure really what im going to end up saying for 30 minutes about my work. that scares me. maybe ill know when i get it done.

well this is day 2 on this set of clothes... i fell asleep in them last night and never changed or showered. i feel gross. but its comfortable and warm atleast. tomorrow i really need to shower. sleep would be nice. but its going to be in short supply for a few weeks more. i slept about 4 hours last night... maybe as much tonight. hopefully more tomorrow night. but well see. bless those who get the sleep they deserve. it is a luxury God has not afforded me. but aslong as i dont have to do the 4 days in a row, like i did last year; ill be ok. slept saturday night, was up all day sunday, night, monday, night, tues, night, wednesday, half the night. slept thursday. was up thursday night and friday. it was a scary stretch. prolly shortened my life by 4 years. so dont be like me kids.

i think ive surprised people this past week, demonstrating that i can cook without burning down the place. coacn and mouse were the first victims... jeff and khaldee got their dose of poison tonight. anyone else who wants me to cook for them just ought to drop me a line. its not so bad. sure beats cooking for myself every night. at least then i have someone to talk with as i do it.

ive been thinking over my situation of the future. im not sure whats going to happen. i was set to do LSATs this summer, now im starting to balk away from it. i think i need a strong kick to get me to do it. because i need to. i guess the future just kind of scares me. more likely than not, i wont be here in a years time. ill be somewhere. without anyone i know around me. even for a non-people person like myself, its hard to think about. but i guess its got to happen. things just have to move along somehow.

other than that, my mind is full of things. lot of what i wrote last night stays there. i really do need to talk about it. aaron was right; ive got to just let it go... the hell with timing, situation, or what they think. i do need to be honest and let it go. i guess, as much as im reluctant to do it, im glad i do have friends out there that i know are right. i fight with myself when i know how much it means to me. and i shouldnt do that. it shouldnt be this way... the whole situation is wrong... so i guess its time [according to my horrorscope] that i step to the plate to start the bargaining process.

other than that... im feeling burnt out. its early yet. lots of things to go. but i feel it. im dragging. i ache. im tired. its setting in.

x

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Volume 8


pissed.

i hate latin. i spent like 4 hours doing translations and studying up on shit; we didnt hand a FUCKING SCRATCH of it in. im pissed. and on top of that i got the normal lip service that my translations suck. fucking hell. why. why require a language again?

"i dont remember whose blood this is... but ive got a hammer inside my head..."

[more later]

i dunno.

i think.

and then i dont know.

i went for a long walk last night. real late. sometime after about 2am.

i was talking to someone... and i wanted to let go with too much.

so i had to shut myself up.

and i walked.

i ended up somewhere around the Oral B plant...

then i just sat and thought for a while.

came back home.

passed out in my clothes and shoes.

i woke up this morning.

it/they were still on my mind.

so all day i droned about.

trying not to think; but having my thoughts drift away anyway.

and i dont know.

i dont know anything more than i ever did.

but i know how i feel.

but does that count for much?

does what matters to me, matter much to you?

i just think outloud sometimes.

i like hearing it.

maybe it all makes more sense, if it sounds like someone else is saying it.

but im thinking it.

last night i wanted to say it.

but i kept it to myself.

i need to say it.

i need to say something.

it gets harder everyday not to.

and i want so badly to say something.

im tired of holding back what i feel, and what i want...

im tired of holding back myself.

i just want it the way it should be.

the way it makes sense.

the way that feels right.

nothing else ever felt so right in my entire life.

last night i thought about how things could be.

i thought i could live with certain things.

how i couldnt without others.

why cant it be that way?

why cant it be the way that we wanted it to be?

why cant it be the way that was natural for us?

why cant it just be for us?

but i say too much.

i think even more.

Current Musical Selection: just the rain falling through the open window

werk is annoying. aggrivating even. tonight i spent my 6 hours putting stock away. stuff that should have been done 2 weeks ago; that should have definitely been taken care of during the reflow, but was just thrown in to carts and totes in the lockup area. i spent 3 hours going through it all, sorting out the lockup closet and putting shit out. shit we were out of; but wouldnt get replacements for because they were in the store... just not on the shelf. i didnt mind doing that so much. hiding away in a dark room, no windows, 1 door, no customers. but they couldnt leave me alone. they kept paging me out to deal with people for the stupidest reasons. it made the job take much longer than it should have. granted it should have been done weeks ago. stupid shit, like some ho-bag wanting to know if theres a difference between 6 foot and 10 foot printer cables. hmm. she should rethink this college thing. or cashiers who never read the ad's we have out. so when customers come up demanding sale prices, they have no clue. i dont even talk now. i just whip out a copy of the ad and slam my finger down on it... no fumbling, no searching, i memorized the ad items, why cant they?

so thats why they lock me away in a storage closet with high-ticket items. i suppose the microsoft shelf of software alone is worth a tidy sum... we had 12 copies of office xp pro.. at $599 a copy.. but never mind the shelves of digital cameras... shit so expensive i cant afford to open the box without someone elses signatures. but it was fun. even when they page me to deal with a hindu guy that cant understand the difference between DVD and CD-R. but it aggrivates me that we deal with a world of idiots, and must cater to them. i cant ever bitch slap someone and laugh because they are an idiot. i just have to smile and politely explain things 9 times to them. even then they dont get it. which is sad. because that means they wont buy a warranty on it. which means i get chewed out. which is sad that it has to come down to that.

but there was a bright spot to my day. some little boy with downs syndrome came up to me and gave me a hug. i stood there talking to his mother about printers, and he just kept hugging away at my leg. she tried to pull him off, but i told her it was ok. and it was. the little guy had a lot of energy, and he was pretty happy to show it off. maybe not all the customers are bad. just most of them.

random shit. i hate latin. it pisses me off. i do like bible class, i got an A back on my paper [done the night before... but i thought about what i was going to do with it off and on for 3 days]; i wish my car had gas in it. seems like its always on less than 1/4 tank; i dont understand why pens have to be pointed, sharp, or mash your fingers when you write with them; i cant understand people that dont speak clear english.... broken english is fine, but heavy accents aggrivate me; i cant ever remember to water my plants- ill end up killing one pretty soon; i wish people would break down and talk to me about whats going on, i feel so helpless about what i know is an issue[s] in their life, and we both know im the one to help them through that, besides ive got alot of things i want to confess to them; i kinda wonder why plastic stuff never caught on much before 15 years ago... especially the plastic pop bottles that wont shatter when i get pissed and toss them- cant say the same for printer/scanner/copiers though; i wish dvd's would come down in price... up the price of the players some, drop the movies... thats all that prevents me from converting now; i wish wed go back to using parallel ports for something... serial too; raincoats arent all that valuable to have, except on a night like this; god bless the man who created liquid bandage [like krazy glue, but with anti-bacterial poo in it]; fuck microsoft for charing so much damned money for a product [like office xp], and giving ZERO discounts on it before the launch of office 2003 on oct 21st; fuck microsoft in general; fuck lexmark more for making pieces of shit; hell... fuck HP for making printers that look like pieces of shit... atleast they work though; kiss my ass college of liberal arts, your attendance policies need some work; they guy that made closed loop, tight woven carpet should show up at my house to help me find shit i drop on the floor; why the hell cant i ever sleep comfortably anymore? when will i stop thinkin about you at night? what do i want for my birthday presents... other than a law school acceptance letter! prop's to turkey for staying tasty longer than its supposed to; major prop's to scheels sporting goods for leaving out knife sharpeners to try, and keeping M1 garand replicas on the shelf to play with; maybe someone special will come along... because after a day of random shit and random thoughts like this; i could really, really use some time alone with someone to reduce the lonlieness.

old habbits reappear... fighting the fear of fear... growing conspiracy... myself is after me... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling.... hear them calling me.

Current Musical Selection: Gypsie Kings - Escucha Me

well ive now seen El Mariachi. it wasnt bad. i was expecting somethings, let down by others. but its a pretty fair start to the Desperado Trilogy. the only thing that really messed with my mind was the recasting of the main character from El Mariachi in Desperado as Campras, Antonio' Banderas's Machinegun toting friend at the movies climax battle. i even checked the credits to be sure, but it is him. or how about how Bucho and Moco are really the same. after watching El Mar- then Desperado, it kinda of made me mad. that and i dont see how El Mar- can actually findhimself to be in love with the bar wench from El Mar- but NOT with Salma Hayek... my god... id forgotten just how beautiful Hayek really is. [seeing that momentary porno scene in Desperado helped]; but i guess im not really clued in on that. or.... or how there is very little exposition to build between Hayek and Banderas's initial meeting. not at all how id have written or progressed the story... almost seems like its a cop out to make them feel like best friends when theyve never met. El Mar- did it better with the bar wench... guh. i dunno. i suppose im paying too much attention to it all. i was rewatching Desperado for details. so little symbolisims catch my eyes... like the scorpion on Banderas's jacket and the scorpion warning sign in the opening scene. plus... from watching El Mar- first.. the story does NOT progress as clearly into Desperado... almost seems like Desperado was a re-write of the original, plus a few story details held over.

ouch.

so i guessed wrong. yet again. cool girl from work? yep. shes got a boyfriend. i didnt really want to hear many more details about it. just felt generally embarrased about it. spent some time out behind work tonight watching the ducks. we have the airport then lots of greenspace until our property... and in that greenspace is a rentention pond... the ducks like to float around and quack. i sat out there and threw most of a baggie of doritos at them. just the darkness, the ducks and me. i guess i kinda feel dumb for asking... but i shouldnt. and i know that i shouldnt. but thats where i sat, feeling like a retard. watching the ducks huddle up together on the pond. i guess i dont understand why it all looks so easy. why its anything but easy for me. its not true at all that i cant find people. just that.. i guess those are the people that want me the least. so it feels. and i cant really explain that any more plainly that i do. ive always been tought that youre supposed to find this one great person to share your life with. and i watch it happen. and i thought it happened to me. and i watched it fall apart. and i tried. i tried to stop it, i tried harder to change what was going on. i guess to reiterate what i meant. and there i sit alone watching the ducks at night. sometimes i envy the ducks i suppose. ducks dont feel like jackasses for trying not to be lonely. they all just cuddle up together. the ducks dont feel useless for loving someone; sometimes i do. and i shouldnt. i shouldnt feel bad. but its hard to feel much. other than confused and alone. some nights are better than others. sometimes i envy the ducks.

it all means something.


A Lament.


"and so how am i supposed to feel" the first man cried out.

he was answered by a voice from the darkness, from within, yet from around,
' he who feels grief, feels pain. explore your pain, and learn why you grieve. '

"why? why must i torment myself for all of this" he said, as he stretched out his hands. his voice became erratic; "and what do i have to show for it? hmm? for all of this... this turmoil, this blood, this anger, this hostility. what is it i earn? i sought peace like a noble man, i fought for the justness that ought to be, i comfort those that suffer, and i choose to love out of devotion... and what the fuck does all that matter now?" he dropps his hands. "what is it worth? what are these, more than just words? are not my feelings, are not my triumphs valuable to some end? my acts, are they not worthy?"

' he who fears no wrongs, committs many; but dwells on none '

" so i was wrong then? all along, ALL ALONG, ive been wrong to do what ive done? to live the way i live, to fight for what i fight, to hold beliefs in confidence, and to be faithful in my heart to those that i love; that was wrong? '

' he who loves must loose. '

" and its a game? its rigged, its crooked. there is no equity, there is nothing of fairness... because in the end, You... YOU take away everything that is me. all that i have done, all that i will do, all that i know and believe. the things that i wish, the tears that ive shed, the love that ive left. You just take it... and i? i have nothing. now i am cast aside, now i am the undesired; i am that person that i wished to help."

' he that casts away the balast of the soul, will only be weighted by its absence'

" so it is. so it is my friend; it is that i feel heavy. that these matters of gravity and substance are those that provoke the turmoil, that have spoiled the man before you, and left him the wretched husk you see. is it because i took pride? is it because i desired? is that why i must be punished in this way? is that why you torment me; not with pikes and coals; but loathing and emptiness. the truest torture a man must endure is that which he illicits to himself. so then why must it continue? so what is the point? you control me. you lead me. you challenge me. yet you fail me, you chastize me, and you deny me."

' let him be punished in the way that no mortal may bring, let his punishment be mankind herself'

"so to the ends of the earth, am i to be this way? untl the dust of my bones yet again merges with the salt of the earth, i am to be plagued?" he falls. " those that i pleasured before, do they now rejoice for my death? will my death not be contained in their joy, their tears and their celebration, for they which i love... they will wish my doom sooner than they accept me?"

' . . . '

"and so it is. so i am to die. and my death will mark a time of great satisfaction for those around me. the unpleasantries of me, the view of me, all will be ridden from their minds, their very souls kept clean of my shame. and what do i take solace in, knowing my fate? how do i go about this life of pain and shit that You give to me, knowing that only my death... my total absence and impossibility of return, will command favor to those which i love most?"

' thus death is a stage of life, the living must die, and the lifeless live on. let not one man succomb to the desires of death, let him fast of it. yet have him drink earnestly of the life which he is given.'

" that everyone must treat me as a monster, and keep me from them... keep me from being again, a man. reduce me to that which you see with the eyes, and deny what the heart once held. that is Your game? You say be happy with this lot? let them all see me as pittiful, let them all neglect me? that is how you punish the good man... you deny him this duty to do good... then compell him embrace his wretched life? so then what am i for? what is the reason for keeping me around. CAN YOU NOT SHOW YOUR POWER AND KILL ME! slay me in my shoes, and let the blood of this foulest piece spoil the earth on which it congeals. make me the fucking spectacle of your show, show THEM the power You wield, by crushing me. me, a mortal man, that desired the good. death is the reward for it all. but only after my fate far worse than death, torment me, i say, torment me in all Your wrath... leave me the humbled one. let none return the love to me that i let flow to them. i deny that life you give me, if it must be the living death of my soul. this is Your EXTREME power? belittling one man. one mortal. one solitary man. because all is important. and their is no justice to Your actions. you deny the man his right to do good, to love, what more can you withold before he is no longer man, but a monster, filled with the contempt of those around him? what can you do to that monster that is me, that they havent done? and why shouldnt i wish for death?"

' for love is not lust, and truth is not verified. find then, ye mortal, that which eludes you. try as you must, but your days here are numbered, and the journey is much longer than you would live. but it is not the object of your desire, it is not the love you wish to make; it is the pursuit of, the loving for the sake of another, that i wish to be blessed. it is the struggle within that commands my adoration. it is your disavowment of what i show you that i punish'

and the man could only weep. it was sorrow that overcame his self. living did not matter to the man, if it meant living without that life where he could act, where he could do good, and where he could love. and he lie stretched out over the earth, until his tears stained crimson with blood, ceased.

so tired. people upstiars were having sex last night. not only do i hear rythmic thumping, the bed squeaking, but the occasional moans and 'oh yeahs'. its quite disgusting. having to lay in the dark listening to it all. it wasnt loud, or ear shattering, just constant. just enough that id have to hear it. everyone probably was having sex last night. full moon. drunkenness. youth. hormones. i guess its just in the air. its just something else i get to witness. hard to ignore it at 3 am, getting up at 7am.

im starting to wonder what draws the line for pathetic, and what steps over it. tonight i didnt want to go home by myself. sure, i got off at 6... still much later than scheduled. but i didnt want to go home to be alone. so i drove for 20 miles... ended up at some random bar, and had a beer with some old farmers. it was somewhere near Kalona i guess. either way. i suppose that could be pathetic... so could belonging to an online dating thing. so would be paying for it. which i have been. i guess stepping over that line could be the 2 responses ive gotten in nearly 6 months.[the site says the average user draws a response a week] and people wonder why i get down on myself.

but i guess its something i do. something else i just go through, and move on about. nothing much changes. nothing would in iowa. although it is harvest season. i forgret how picturesqe this place can be during this time of year. it was one of those drives that i wish i took my camera on. hard working, honest people, working the land. nothing much signifies more about the spirit and strength of man than that. the colors of the sky, the field, the dusty that rises out of the dried corn leaves. all of it is colorful and striking in its own way.

i guess im talking about nothing. i guess im just rambling again. and i guess i just dont know anything.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Mama Kin [Aerosmith cover]

intersting day. stupid long committee meetings. bah to missing a class. so then i end up in soc... i guess i didnt do so well on that exam. i walked out thinking i had it down cold... i walked out of his office hours today with a 68%. ouch. appearantly he doesnt do partial credit even on the essays. thats what killed. all the definitions and garbage i nailed [so it looked] just if i didnt have exactly what he wanted for an essay; i lost the points. sure its almost a 70... but i wanted to do alot better than that. so i guess i have to focus some more for his questions on perodic effects. meh. my research is what will do me. 75% of the overall grade is on my research. so im working on that now. yeah. end of semester project.. and im working on it now. thats not a scott way to handle it. usually i wouldnt even think about it till thanksgiving at the earliest. not now... this semester does matter. if i pull it out; ill be out of this fucking town in august. no leases, no clases, 1 diploma. 'bout fuckin time.

werk is werk. i pushed plans tonight. even the sales manager noticed. came home with nearly 300 dollars in plans and warranties. in a 4 hour shift. i blew away the store sales for the entire day. in a 4 hour shift. i wanted them to know that i CAN do it. i just prefer not to. i really detest selling plans and defending doing it infront of customers. had a guy just start giving me the nag about how he doesnt like people trying to sell him plans and warranties. i explained the Staples credo on it. he didnt like it. i about told him to cram it. instead... i helped him get the printer he wanted... then made sure to have 3 other employees attack him with sales shit. each time he got redder and redder in the face and looked back at me. i smiled. stupid fuck. never tell me what you hate, then piss me off. man i love making people pay.

werk was also cool. i was about 6 inches from asking a cool chick out on a date. dunno why i stopped. probably was the sales manager bitching at me to do something instead of hitting on her. her is a young gal who works copy center. shes cool. really petite and small. but shes funny. she loves to smile. the running gag has been telling her she cant smile. instant smiles. she just cant help it. but for whatever reason she came in tonight, all dressed up, loud clompy shoes and all, and went straight over to electronics to find me. pretty nifty. i felt cool about it. she stood there flirting away with me for a good 10 minutes before anyone noticed. shes cool. i could see me doing something with her. shes just fun to be around. i miss having someone like that in my life. that and she looked pretty damn nice in something other staples attire. i used to get to work with her alot before school started, now i rarely see her; they give her opposite hours of mine. but anyways... i was about 24 seconds from asking her when the manager nagged at me. when i got done selling another warranty she was being shoo'd out by the same manager. maybe sometime. probably the next time. it was a welcome relief for someone to actually be interested in me. lately all my contact with people has been limited to hearing bout them, or selling them something. i noticed along time ago that people never ask me about me. no one cares much about my life. everyone elses is always much more important than mine. cool thing was, she wanted to hear about me and what ive been up to. such a rareity. but i guess it doesnt necessarily mean anything good. for all i know, she could just be buttering me up to get me me to switch hours with her. yeah... its prolly just that. . . . . .

3 emails came in asking me about me dream from a couple days ago. [2 emails and an IM i guess] eitherway, im not really ready to disclose it yet. generally i make a good habbit of putting them out there. i guess i have pretty horrific dreams. this one wasnt so much as detailed as it was emotional. the other night i had snippets of it again. not the whole thing. but bits and pieces. i was explaining to the roomie yesterday, that it tends to happen like that for me. ill have a reoccuring image or dream for a while... and with in a few weeks ill experience exactly that. like dejavu[ sp? ] but not really. just its been dreamt before. but its too emotional for me. maybe thats saying too much. maybe it isnt. alot of people want to know... especially a person that it involves... but im not ready for it. ill just keep it to myself this time... see what happens.

"take it for what it is, but i used to love her. then i had to kill her.... "

W. Axl Rose.

Current Musical Selection: Deep Purple - Sometimes I Feel Like Screaming

so i took a 3 and a half hour walk last night. trying to sort out my head. and i dont think it worked. ive substantially calmed down. but that hasnt stopped my thoughts and my feelings about anything. physically im not wanting to be angry... but deep inside i am.

yet again, im missing you. king size bed in a hotel someplace. i hear your name, i see your face.

you just try so hard to rid your mind of everything thats wrong... to clear out the garbage and make room for the things that need to stay. and it just doesnt work. all the garbage, the trash , keeps floating back in. in and out of your mind and your life it comes and goes. and you just wish it to stay out. even though it was all things you used to want. things you know worked well. but things that had to be thrown away.

the back street dolls and the side door johnnies. the wide-eyed boys with the bags full of money. back in the alley, going bang to the wall tied to the tail of a midnight crawl.

i guess im just born to loose out. i get attached to what i want, and thats not supposed to happen anymore. the only thing people get attached to are the crap they tell themselves. the stories they make out these side door johnnies out to be, when, really all they are just out for themself... not anyone else. the bags full of money that capture the attention of people in this town are wasted on me. if anything i hate people whose parents hand over cash. kids that never work for money, remain kids. they take on adult problems, but remain kids about it. thats where i draw the line. little things i noticed out on a cold night alone, watching packs of kids running around. wearing adult clothes, getting into adult situations, but remaining children nonetheless. shrugging away the bindings of responsibility and maturity; and how do i fit in to this town?

heaven wouldnt be so high i know, if the time gone by hadnt been so low. the best laid plans all come apart at the seams, and shatter all my dreams.

i guess im not sure where i end up then. what to think about in these days of torment. everyone around me gleefully runs headlong in to the situations of illrepuit, and im left at home. or worse, walking around watching them. people destroy their lives with what they do, and ive lost the will to stop it. i just watch it happen. someone in particular i guess ive lost the will to intervene with. i guess i cant compete with substance abuse. i cant compete with the ignorance of them in their plight, or about the problems that compound by their own hands. i tried. i cried about it in the past. but even the marathon runner's legs give out sometime. i spent my day off to be with them because they were having such a bad time. its halfway through the day before i even get a mention about them not wanting to go. never did even get a phone call. just an IM. being sick is a good excuse. just later last night while walking, being sick sounded like a coincidental occurance, in light of everything. but i didnt let it stop me from caring. that was my purpose. to help someone feel better, not alone, not depressed, and to know they are a better person that someone else sees them as. because ive been there. ironically so; but ive been there. and no one was there for me, and i didnt want that happenning to this person... deep down i guess i still care then. i figured now that my day was wasted, id do something. made up a batch of soup, crackers [even animal ones!]; and spent about 2 minutes scrawling out a crude picture as a pick me up. left it for them to pick up. and went away. i suppose i didnt have to. i was more than comfortable sitting with them awhile, especially if they were sick; just to cheer them up. hugs and smiles go along way when you feel like that. but i guess on some level i wasnt totally ready for that yet. we have a lot of history. and this just wasnt something i guess i could go through it they werent ready to see me. but yeah, it has alot to do with that dream i had a few days ago. anyway i come home, do stuff. get angry. [last nights post] and dissapear.

sometimes i feel like screaming. close my eyes, its like this my head goes down and the only thing i know is the name of this town.

i wanted to scream, i wanted to punch something. the more i hear about people with others, and the more they have them, the more i want it. and the less likely i know i am to get it. because what i want, im guessing, isnt here for me. be it this town, this time in life, this world, it isnt. along time ago i learned that id never find what i wanted exactly. that instead, id have to find the best thing and be willing to work with it. that nothing would actually happen to walk in like that in perfect form, without some work. so thats what lead me to whats happened. i guess i know that caring about someone will have its ups and downs, and maybe it cant even be romantic... but that shouldnt stop me from being there. i just wanted to help someone help themself. and that doesnt make me feel right about it at all. if it is true. thanks for turning me into one gigantic ass. im not embarrased about it. not for me. maybe some day youll understand it. and maybe youll understand me, like i understand you. but i dont know. all i do know is the name of this wretched town.

yet again, im missing you; wont be long o' coming home. until that distant time, ill be moving on.

and thats, i guess, my lesson from this. just another brick to the wall about how things are the way they are... never an inch of mortar to explain why they are. facts on top of facts. none of it is useful for much. except building the walls around me. people build their own walls though. they dont much need mine. unless i am that bad of a person. but all i try to do is act the best that i can for people. i want the best for the few people around me that i know are worth it. i guess im frustrated that they dont see that. self worth is something that seems to be continually depreciating in value, and here i try to up the rates back into the black. and this is what i get for it. something minus pitty. disparagement. nothing that i should have rightfully earned. not for believing in someone else, and showing you care about them. but thats the lesson. instead run to the boys with the bags full of money, the side door johnnies, leave me by the phone. i guess i wasnt good enough for anything anyway. especially not because i care.


and its all in the mind.

god damn it. not again. so here i am, bored, sitting around; nothing at all to do. i had today marked off to spend with someone, and it never happened. plan b was never really made. so sitting around at home, by myself, ive been looking for something to do, someone to talk to. anything besides sitting alone. so i call an old friend up. yeah. nicki is now engaged. not again.

i dont mean any disrespect whatsoever to her! she deserves to find someone right, and if she has, far be it from me to be angry about that. but. its yet another person in the marriage bracket. and here i struggle to even find someone to kill my day off with. its depressing. really. its starting to seriously bother me. you know it shouldnt, but it does. i cant even call my friends anymore without feeling isolated. it seems like anytime i call anyone, theyve always got the Sig Other with. i call my friend in hawaii... shes expecting the husband to call. i call my buddy blake, hes with the fiance. i call J, another fiance, i talk to poopie nuhts--- and that kid is engaged. why isnt this fair? i used to think it was just something that happened. but now. now it just makes me angry. it upsets me, to feel so pathetic all the time. i used to joke about it. i used to belight the situation. i used to ignore it. and its just gotten worse. i dont understand it. but it doesnt feel fair. i look around and see everyone with someone. everybody. everybody is happy. everyone has got someone to be with. and i just feel like im pushed farther and farther away from the accepted levels of people. and its not good.

i was talking to a girl at work the other night, and shes stuck out this terrible relationship with a guy shes not happy with; who cheats on her; and who just isnt good for her... and she knows and agrees with this. she tells me its because; "but i guess id rather do this and be somebody with someone, than be alone" and i didnt quite know how to take it. keri has no clue about me or my status; but for people to feel the need to be with someone like that; and to look down upon; with despise, to people like me. it doesnt make this any easier. nothing comes easy, accepting the feeling of being uneasy with my disposition. so i guess tonight i cross off another name from my list. and its getting down to a handful of people now. well bump it from that list and put it on the growing list of weddings ill have to sit through. [3rd weekend in may next year, is the latest].

i dont even know what to say anymore. i just tell them to send me the invitations, and ill try my best to make it. but its depressing. everyone has a place to go with their life. everyone has someone to share it all with; even if its not the right person; they still got it. not me. i dont count i suppose. i guess im not that kind of person. i guess i just dont deserve anyone or any kind of happiness like that. and that doesnt seem fair. because that means whatever i am, whatever i do; none of it is good enough... deserving enough, to qualify for shit. and i try. i try my fucking hardest to be the best person that i can be. i bend over absolutely backwards for people. today i threw away probably my only weekend off until thanksgiving; to spend with someone. and it never happened. wasted my whole day waiting for it. got no homework done, nothing bought, nothing taken care of. because i made time for this day. and does that seem fair at all to anyone else? i didnt get mad. i didnt blow up. i didnt yell, scream, cry, punch anything. i just took it. and then i went the extra step... they were sick; so i took them some pick-me up stuff... no one asked me to. i didnt have to do it. and i did it anyway. and for that i do, the person that i am to do that; it still doesnt mean fucking shit. because im still the person thats alone. granted it made me feel better to do something for someone else. but i think back to the years ive been doing this. all my life. and never once has it amounted to shit for me. why not?

i guess then it goes back to feeling like im owed something. i suppose im not then. life its self is not a game of rewards. clearly, it is not. is it blind luck? nope. because luck has got to pan out some times. the odds are so slim that you keep throwing snake eyes; that once.... just one god damn time... youve got to get something else out of it. but here i sit. im on my angry chair. and nothing changes. im trying to draw conclusions about something that i dont know much about. but that everyone else does. see everybody else has this fucking game figured out. theyve all got it down pat. they say... be yourself. and i am. they say, try to meet people. and i do. they say, go after the one you love. and i did, and i do. and here i sit. so what then. they say, wait. wait for what? everything else was proactive. and now, you tell me; once there are no more options to be exhausted... that i just sit on the bench. and smile about it. like waiting ever made someone happy. like its going to make me happy.

i guess no one ever talks about how hard it is to be alone. i suppose its all the more romantic to write about the happy times, gazing in each others eyes... kissing and feeling wanted. about souls being nurtured. and shit like that. no one talks much about despair. about coveting what the eyes see, that the heart cant have. its the recipricol nature of expectation. by loving, but doing, by hoping; you expect.. just once maybe, to get a pay out. and when you keep finding yourself in the gutter, you keep reaching down deeper to try harder with the next time... to make that smile a bit faker and bigger. and before you know it; youre scratching pavement when you dig down. and thats about where i feel. just once it would be good for someone to write the truth about me. about how true it is too feel like i do. maybe once it would be good to actually hear the truth from someone else about whats going on, maybe someone could give me a true account of me. stop the lies. start with the reality of it all. starting with how its bullshit to expect someone to come along. how its crap that theres a princess down the path. that youre supposed to feel ugly when trashbag bottom ho's, drunk to the last drop at closing time, steer away from you after last call. maybe someone could just break the news to CNN that im not desireable, instead of this fucking grotesque farce of protesting to me otherwise. how about leveling a bit of the truth that no girl really desires me, or anyone like me. hell; fucking humor me for christ sake... spit up a truth snippet about how im just plain ugly. god wouldnt that make this trainfull of shit you all tell me, about the right person, about waiting, and about being a late bloomer; just a little bit easier to swallow? even a grain of sugar per yard of shit, makes it a bit sweeter? isnt right for something to be right? because its got to be something. because thats natural. nature has a reason, and it has a season.. so shouldnt it be natural for someone to love you?

and i guess its not.

PS - yes it was.

if dreams come true...

i had one of those shocking dreams last night; that are so vivid and real, its hard to recover from it. not that it was horrific or anything like that at all. but just the realism of it. and it seemed like one of those funky premenition dreams... where you see something or experience something in a dream, then it actually happens just like that a few days later. i cant say it. i just cant. but if it did/does. i can see how alot of my friends will not be too happy, even though id be happy. i dunno. its scary to think about it.

wow. http://www.sukijones.com/pix.htm

i can only say wow. could these be doctored? yes. are they? most likely not. this is in fact slash and izzy playing with steven adler's new band. wow. christ on a stick i wish i lived in LA to see this show. adler is a washed up piece of trash... but 3 of 5 member of GnR on one stage aint bad! especially Izzy. i plan on seeing 3 of 5 as soon as Velvet Revolver decides to tour [Slash, Duff, Matt with Scott Weiland singing]; but Izzy... man oh man. ive heard the rumors that Izzy is going to tour. if so; i will quit my job to get off to see him if he comes anywhere with in 6 hours of Iowa City. appearantly they played 3 songs together, one of which was Paradise City... god damn. what a show. Izzy, Slash and adler. still... Izzy and Slash.

last night. man. why does everything have to go wrong when you never want it too? i realized when i got up sunday i was about on my last pair of clean boxers... ofcourse i have to work all day. then billions of hours of latin; so doing laundry was something that was going to get done at an odd time i figured. struggled through the day at work; of all people my latin TA comes in the store. fuck. hes too happy. especially about latin. after dealing with peoples crap for yet another day, i go home long enough to make food and go straight to the laundromat. which is full. a million black kids running around throwing detergent on the floor, climbing on the washers. it was straight out of BeBes Kids. even with headphones on i heard them screaming at each other. got done with that after longer than necessary, and was ready to go home. i pull in the lot.. and some dick parked in my space. so after waiting outside for over an hour for the police department to show up, we have him towed. as the truck lifts his car up [making a terrible screaching sound as they yanked it out of place when in Park], this halfwit stoned looser comes running out side. he tries pleading to me and the cop and the guy driving the tow truck; that he was only here for five minutes, and it wasnt fair. i told him to fuck off. hed been there over 2 hours, and was blocking TWO spaces [not just mine]. the cop said it was up to me. i told them to yank it. so this stupid stoner now owes a parking violation charge, the hourly fee for a wrecker to come out [prolly in the 50 dollar range], plus a fee from the police impound lot to get his shitmobile back. all i wanted was to go home. and go to bed. after all that i stayed up doing latin. fell asleep somewhere around 3am... and never woke up for class. and now... NOW i get to go back to work. what a fucking day. its not fair.

Current Musical Selection: Alice In Chains - Down In A Hole

so i was walking home tonight. in the rain. and this is the song that struck me. i took 40 minutes to walk home from the library. thinking over this song. its one of those rare moments of clarvoiance, that i can remember every word. i was almost hearing the music playing as i walked. its such a powerful song. it hit me how much i miss lane staley. everything thing he wrote was so mournful and true. [he was the lead singer of Alice In Chains] they found him dead last year... in the spring... anyway i remember it was dark and cloudy the night i heard the news. he was one of the few singers that i can identify with. every lyric he wrote came from deep inside. but it wasnt from his heart... it was from his soul. and his drug addictions. he fought it every day. he hated himself for being addicted to shit. in and out of rehab. his body would just never let go of it, and he knew it. alot of his songs are about living that way. being tormented. about wanting to die to end it all. he had terrible depression from it all. but at times i identify alot with his sentiment. so i walked in the rain. i guess i sang to myself. no one heard me or seemed to notice. it was just me and lane.

down in a hole. losin' my soul. down in a hole. losing control.

so i walked on. around some neighborhoods i didnt know. just the darkness, the rain, and lane. thinking about life alot. about what its like living. about what its like to be down in a hole. about what its like to lose one's soul. and how id ever know when it was gone. how did he know? because he did. lane knew when it slipped away. he knew when he didnt have that sense of himself anymore; when the only thing his body craved was crap. he hated it. but he lived on. and i walked on.

bury me softly in this womb. i give this part of me for you. sand rains down, yet here i sit.

alots gone on. sometimes, i guess i lose a sense of grip on where i am. sometimes, i really feel like ive lost a sense of identity. or maybe i know ive gained a larger sense of it all. maybe just a better understanding on what i never knew--- on what people never knew about me. but the rain was cold. and i just let it come down. why stop it. why stand in the way. i just let it all go. walking around empty in the rain. and i just kept singing to myself. i just kept thinking about things. sometimes wishing for changes. sometimes not. sometimes, i guess i just hoped it would all go away. and i know it wont.

down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved. see my heart i decorate it like a grave.

after sitting through my life the past few months; i dont know what to think. i dont know what i feel about it all. i guess there isnt much to think about. nothings really much the same anymore. nothings the same. nothings necessarily what i want it to be. and i just kept on walking; thinking about how lane saw those things infront of him. how, he knew he didnt want to be an addict anymore. how he could kick it; and how he tried so hard. then i thought about how he died alone. it was several days before anyone bothered to check up on him. i guess he couldnt take seeing it anymore. seeing his life turn into nothingness. watching everything wither, like he did on the drugs. his band fell apart. he relationships fell apart. he lost family connections. his life slipped away. he just couldnt keep pulling himself out of the hole. the drugs just pulled harder, until he gave out. and i wondered how it must have felt. to feel it go. to know you were hitting the bottom. to know, you couldnt reach out to save yourself that last time.

you dont understand, who they thought i was supposed to be

sometimes i feel myself slip. how about trying not to feel detached when you know you arent the one making people smile anymore. except when youre gone. that makes them happy. its so hard, when you realize there isnt much connection for you out there. when you really feel alone alot of the time. it tears you up, from the inside out. but no one knows. no one cares much. its just your feelings. just your preceptions, your identity, your sense of fullfillment. they never care much when youre gone. but you do. because youve got no one else left when they all leave you. in alot of ways, i do feel that way. let go of. tossed aside. crumpled up. definetely that i dont matter much anymore. i guess i can imagine what it might have been like for him. lane definetly would know what it was like for me. but we walked in the rain together. no one noticed me. they couldnt tell if you cry in the rain.

Current Musical Selection: Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line

well... this is going to be a short post for a couple reasons... mainly my hand. i cut my hand up pretty bad at work on saturday; some customer pushed me and the knife skipped from the box into the back of my left hand, right across my tendons. well... it hurts. i figure i had the blade a good 3/4's of an inch in to my hand, and it was at an angle, so the gash is pretty long and it goes under the skin instead of straight in... so it hurts. i had a hell of a time getting it to stop bleeding at work. i was actually starting to get scared. my fingers all move fine, just its a dull ache and moving my fingers and hand aggrivates the parts trying to seal shut. i suppose i should have gotten stitches; i guess it is bad enough. but ive been doping out on like 600mg bayer and trying to keep it bandages and liquid stich on it. its not so bad. just aggrivating.

also have exam, some latin readings and stuff to get done for bible class tomorrow... after spending 2 hours at the main library i had to come back.. i ran out of parking change. it really should be illegal to charge for parking at the library. i mean, come on. its not like the kids at this school use the library much... it would be encouraging if nothing else, for them to go there. sure tow away non library patrons; but fucking a. we cant need the money that bad to charge a buck an hour to read free books [that were paid off 60 years ago], cant we?

sad note. johnny cash died this weekend. i think we lost one of the greats. nevermind is crappy last album or so, which was nearly all collarborations with pop music lame-o's; but his real stuff from the 60's and 70's is pure gold. excellent songwriter, very unique voice, a man of convictions [namely the justice system... he vowed to wear black until the day he died, until every man was freed from prison everywhere] and definitely a man who overcame alot of personal issues in his life; and reconcilled with his past in his later years. play a song or three this week; or drop the dough and pickup one of his greatest hits cds for like 6 bucks in the bargain bins. give something back to the man that gave himself to music and made a difference in real people's lives.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - So Fine.

well here i am again. i suppose again is a wrong way to put it. its been something like a week since i last posted. honestly im not sure why. time has been moving pretty slowly for me, but i havent been able to be near a keyboard much to burn the hours away. instead, ive been working [last week was 31 hours], and trying to get through homework and class shit. so far im actually on task with all of the readings to be done [and ahead of schedule in one class]; other than that its just a struggle to stay up with latin. it makes me mad. i used to like the language... and on some levels i still do. but it frustrates me. we keep piling more on before some of this sets in, and definetly before im comfortable with using it. none of it is second nature yet. it still feels foreign to me. and i suppose it should. after all it is a FOREIGN language... but i would think after all this time some of it would start feeling natural. not so.

today also dug me deeper into time committments. i stopped by my soc prof's office hours just to ask about an example he cited in class... i ended up staying for nearly an hour and talking shop about lots of things. hes not such a bad guy. hes young yet [only had his phD for 5 years], but he is learning. hes pretty open on things and sounded like he really appreciated the feedback on class stuff, as well as having someone different to talk to about his research. which, is where my time committment complaint comes in. turns out my question/his example, was from a research article he is proposing and having little luck getting published. before i knew it he and i were talking about alot of the intricies involved with micro-level accomodators in social/civil rights settings. whew. i didnt know much to begin with, but i picked up alot on the fly. anywho. i now have a copy of his paper in hand [all 50 pages], and he wants me to do a review of it. so i guess ill be learning quite a bit more about that then i figured i would have. regardless it is kinda cool to know that i will be making suggestions and revisions to something thats potentially going to be published... and ethically he is required to cite my name in the article for helping him. thats cool. not that it persuaded me to do it or anything. or that id know why. im still trying to figure out how i got stuck doing this in the first place. but hes got some interesting ideas about race and social movements that just arent popular to study now days. so its kinda neat. i still dont know anything, but its still kinda neat. minus the 50 pages in length.

work is a fun thing to talk about as well. im not sure why. but it is. most of the people i work with are pretty cool. some are the laziest sacks of shit ive ever met in my life. all in all, its about all one could expect from retail. its paying my rent, so i shouldnt complain alot about them... other than im way outselling people who have years of experience on me. but no hard feelings. none at all. i just try to focus on talking through things with customers about what we have and what works for them. thats all it takes. besides, standing around talking to people all day about technology isnt too difficult. not nearly as mentally taxing as reading about social political theory, and quite a bit less involved than moving stacks of paper around. dont get me wrong. its not going to be my lifes work. but for a college job, it could be alot worse. even if you count having to clean bathrooms occasionally.

god whatelse has gone on? well the main project has been put off the back burner. ill break this, i own a magazine. originally we were looking to publish an issue at the end of august; but due to a bunch of reasons... one specifically dealing with legalities and copyrights, its been pushed back indefinetly. i dont like that. but its got to happen. as soon as i can, ill put out alot more on the pub' its self. i think its going to be cool... if some other snags can get worked out. lets see... i stopped back in dport for a night this weekend; really it was so brief that there isnt much to say about it. got there around 10:30pm, left for iowa city about 8:30pm the next night. all i really went back for was to get a few things that were left at home... still a bunch of random shit sitting around; but its empty in my room at home now. kinda scary. either way the dog likes to root around in there now, im told. thats kinda funny... she never liked it when i was there or my crap was there. just now that its an empty room she likes it. that and she has my futon to pass out on during the days.

well the only really good thing came up the other day in a conversation with a customer at work... shes a law student; and was filling me in about the entry process in to the law school here. after listening to her closely; ive surmised that i may have a chance at school here. im just not sure if im willing to take it. as it sounds id have 2 out of 3 possible avenues covered for special admission [since my gap [[ or lack there of ]] wont help me]. that was actually good to hear. not that im certain id want to go here. but i could have a chance if i really wanted to stick it out.
theres so many reasons why i shouldnt even consider this place. people is one. the town is another. the staff over there is a third. but for the price, it might be something to consider. i really cant beat instate tutition like that. my current top choice [pending lsat's] is in ohio... and its pretty reasonably priced [for law schools], but it cant compare to instate iowa dollars. something to think about i suppose. gee, as if i didnt have enough to worry about as it was.

guh. lastly is my good news... incase you all live in a fucking hole, a new GnR track was played on a New York radio show last week. it is reportedly just a bootleg of a final track... but the sound quality was supposedly studio... that AND sanctuary management [GnR's management company] converged on the show to gobble up the cd. good or bad? very good. no one would care much if it was a shitty version, or something falsely reported as GnR material... the fact that it was good quality, and they backpeddled to cover it up... [and i do mean coverup... the radio show is syndicated... but oddly enough NO STATIONS IN THE COUNTRY have received taped copies of that show now...] but finnaly after 10 years, and a failed tour. . . it looks like something might be emerging. tommy comes off tour this week, and by his words is to head back to the studio for last minute checks... very good news indeed. i think Chinese Democracy might actually happen. no idea on when; but it is coming. which is probably good. i could use a new soundtrack for my soul.