Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Toxic

sorry. this song is the new crack. i didnt even hear it for the first time till sunday. then i saw the video. then the making of the video, in a span of about 30 minutes on mtv. on the drive up to school today, i flip over the radio to swap cd's... this song is playing. i make sure the cd stays in. later as im out with kendra looking at apartments, this song pops on the radio as soon as i flip the dial. so i said to hell with it. i downloaded it. ive been playing the hell out of it. really its not bad. i think there are places in it id have produced differently. i dunno. from alot of what ive listened to her music in the past few months; and i mean objectively; its not terrible. granted, alot of the songs id never buy. never even listen to. but as far as pop music goes today, its not bad. however. she tends to throw way too much into one song. even listening to this song, id cut out this second chorus part, just stay with what youve got. the song doesnt loose anything. ... god. im arguing about britneys music. lordy. well shes playing Moline on the 17th if anyone had the desire to go. i thought tickets were in the 45 dollar range. but i suppose if you have my luck, flip the radio on and youll hear this song playing... dont you know youre toxic?

what else.. something else... gotta be...

ah .

i ran into laurels old roommate today. jessica doesnt even fucking recognize me. sad really. she looks good still. skanky. gotten better and more even with her make up. and i swear her ass is bigger. but what do you expect from a girl that wears vinyl stringed thongs 3 inches above her spandex pants, and a midrift shirt that stops an inch and a half above her belly button? all while at the grocery store. shes an attention whore. my friend asked me if i slept with her. i said no. he replied; well judging by the look on her face when she walked away, shes trying real hard to remember if she slept with you! . ha. nope. i would i spose. shes not unattractive. just... eh. a bit slutty for me. plus i took laurels side on the roommate split. i think she told me they dont even live on the same side of town now, because of it. jessica however has been the way she is for quite some time. waaaay back to my freshman year, when i first met both girls, while jess might have been hotter [by a hair], laurel allways appealed to me more. laurel is fun to talk to. shes really honest, but quiet. she blends in quite well in a smaller town. jess? she needs to be in some scandalous nightclub to feel like she fits in. interesting people. i thought she was going to cry at first. i just started in on her. she had no clue who i was. she knew she should. especially when i keep spitting out fact, after fact. i just watched her eyes bug out. she backed up. even the checker at hy-vee gave me a wide-eyed look. appearantly having a good memory is creepy. but i gave her a good detailed account about the party we were at 3 and a half years ago where she and her friend holly showed up.... they gave me a kiss for every shot of vodka i took... heh. by the end of the night, i was so drunk i lost count. i just started making out with her in the hall way. then one of my friends came out of the bathroom, grabbed her and just pushed me away and took over. thinking about it now... i think that was the last time i kissed a girl until erin came along. something like 2 years. anyways i dont remember much after that. except her friend holly and i sat and talked outside for an hour. turns out we had the same birthday... kinda funny... she told me to call her to go out some time. we were both so drunk we didnt realize i had no idea who she was, or what the hell her phone number was. stupid shit you remember like that tho. always amazes people. people other than me.


its your love thats toxic

i suppose i should talk about the 'show a bit. its on my mind; although not nearly as much as kyles i presume. if people read my IM profile, theyd have noticed i listed a show date April 2 - 4. its a local battle of the bands in dport. 5 bucks a night, or 10 for the whole weekend. top three bands fri and sat night come back for the sunday show. booze for those of age. at the Lulac club in southwest dport [out near 280 interchange] . all local bands. i think one might be signed. but still. raw talent. come out and cheer these guys on. best part. im up on stage the whole night. mc'ing the event. should be worth 5 bucks to watch me make an ass of myself, right? i think so. might want to stop by and see it.

hmmm..

i know i wanted to put something else down here.

and i cant think of crap.


i kind of just am wondering more about the people i used to know. thinking about the stuff up there... i kind of just wonder how many other people have totally forgotten about me. sometimes i wonder what it will be like in 10 years... when everyone is out of school. married. kids maybe. just spread out. then i show up. im probably still a loser like always. probably havent shaved. probably have the same pair of boots on. ofcourse i wont be married. and yet, people will have forgotten about me. i havent changed a bit. just everything else replaces me. i kind of wonder what people would say to me then, at a time like that. what do people say to me, when theyve obviously moved past me? i guess, how do you start up a conversation with someone thats gone on beyond you. how are you supposed to reach back in time and find the commonality to bring to the distant, unconnected present? my friend is telling me im rambling on about nothing. but i think im hitting at something else. i guess how do you go back into the past, and mend something that happened, when the person just moved on. think of it this way. two people were close, had a falling out, and split. 10 years later, the first person wants to come back to the second person to make up. suppoe the second person, like her, not only doesnt want that, but doesnt even know who you are? how do you go about doing that? how. i dunno. at this point im confusing this whole athand situation with another situation that just coasts in. similar idea. different applications. still kinda irks me. how can You decide to do that? how is it even supposed to work?


s.

something about waiting over an hour for your professor to show up late to their office hours isnt right. especially when it concerns a students grade, and it was known said student would be there at the begining of office hours. what else? i had to READ to her. she cant read my writing. best yet, shes shaking her head and making faces as i read it. she doesnt even like my point of view... which is factual. just explaining Emile Durkheim, as it was explained to me, by her, in class. not good. stupid fucking professors.

magister marce had an interesting point, that i just unearthed from my notes tonight. after reading catullus and his lovely [hack] poetry, he added a line...

were not really sure all this happend you know... it could be that some guy, named catullus, just sat around imagining this lesbia girl, or based her off someone he met once, and made up all these stories about her... torrid sex and all. for all we know, hes that weired ugly guy sitting in a closet writing poems about some girl hes obsessed about, or that doesnt even exist.

that made me think.

i wonder.

that maybe.

some day.

if people...

find this....

read it

read it again


and just presume that i am some ugly guy, sitting around making it all up.


not a kind thought. not at all. i wonder how catullus would feel, if everything he wrote was true; and people 3,000 years later think hes just full of shit. hell, people think im full of shit now; so i suppose why would they wait 3k years to say anything to me? still though. makes a big pounding in my head thinking about people trying to find a place in history. i generally disapprove of the point... that is people specifically trying to find a way to scrawl their hand on the wall of fate forever. but sometimes you are left wondering about such things. i mean.. i of all the things that remain of great roman literature... lots of it is preserved on bathroom walls in ruins. seriously. thats how we learned alot about the folkways of rome. sure, writings and polished works are kept, and can be found in greek and other languages... but we learn the most from the simplest of things that people scribble down and leave behind. makes me wonder if any of this might one day be noticed. if so, how? and by whom? how will they think of me? am i some odd shred little man that hides in a corner, or am i maybe smarter than those around me and just adrift in anomie, or prehaps im not much more than a hopeless romantic that hates romance movies? after all, if you re read the past couple years worth of posts on here, you do get the preoccupation with several key things and people. but then again, maybe not. i suppose in my own mind i can sound like im droning on about the same girl from class, or memories and things that i rather like remembering about other girls, or just being able to outwardly hate some others.... sometimes that doesnt come across for other people. along time ago, i said alot of this is coded. not a=4, but deeply hidden in contextual meaning. to me, its clear. to others its translucent. [scratch head] maybe that would make all this much more difficult to summarize if someone found it all laying around in the future. ... sometimes i guess it could be next to impossible to arrive at the same conclusions of hurtfull emotions that i put down here, with out having any kind of reference for it. equally difficult would it be, to find the source of happiness from these words, if im not around to explain it. maybe i am that lonely man sitting in the corner. for all anyone else knows, that could be right. this lonely man does dream. he writes about it. but he never mistakes it for the truth. even when i daydream about the hot girls in latin, i know, deep down, none of it will come to be. and if you should wonder, what all i do dream about... let me say this. it is something that i keep to myself. not out of embarrasement, dispair or pity; but as personal space. things that will never happen, happiness that will never be, but all the while, kept to myself, alone, so that none can ruin it for me. the truth is something i wish to know.... but is the truth what i know, or who i am?



sic veritas ne verus est. ego verum scire ut fiam quem eundem.

first reason; "in all my years, this is possibly the worst handwritting i have ever attempted to grade. i couldn't even attempt to grade it. "

and with that professor albonetti handed me my exam back. my question is; how am i supposed to feel? im pissed. lets get that out there. but still. come on, shes had me before, shes read it before, and she was forewarned that my penmanship is terrible. im not going to make any excuses for it when she expects multiple essay questions to be written in "the fullest detail possible" in a 1 hour setting... in addition to 40 multiple choice [ multiples of 2, mind you] to be completed with in the same time frame. nor will i consent to the fairness of the questions of multiple guess [ a or b; thats the extent of the multiplicity ], when the questions are a paragraph long, and contain value judgement statements. proposterous. so not only did she take off half my points on the [non]multiple choice section, shes refused to grade my essays. at this point in time i sit with something like a 20% on the exam. she didnt even attempt to read it. im quite pissed. so now what? i get to come in, in person, outside of class hours, when convenient to her, to READ her my fucking exam. something someone with a phD appearantly can not do on her own. rediculous. my handwritting isnt as bad as it could have been. i made sure she understood that.

second reason. shes pretty biased.

for the third week in a row she has taken to arguing about the US/Iraq situation. in quite negative light. this is not a political course, or a paid lecture, its a class on the sociology of law. instead shes feeding us comments about how its so terrible what we did to this country, and how mr. bush [not even dignifying him as President], ought not to think the voters would excuse this violation on world rights. utter slop. regardless of the god damned opinion, it does not belong in the classroom. on several occasions i felt obligated to defent the course of actions that im not even certain i truely support; out of respect! she continually revists how the coming iraqi government will not be seen as legitimate, how the US intervention will not end, and will further alienate the iraqi populace. then she just cuts loose on a host of other things, about autonomy, sovernigty and such. my reply; when in the history of the world has this ever occured? really? when has one country been invaded, occupied and its own system of government totally aboloished; and no form was given by the occupying country to replace it!! never! in fact the rule of law says if you take it, its yours! while i do admit that chances are quite strong of a democratic, free republic with a constitution in place for them; i doubt that it had to be that way. i suppose if they wanted a true marxian approach to government [which really, probably isnt a bad idea for them... if you disagree, then you dont understand marx...], if it would settle problems of political strife, civil unrest and end the state fostered terrorism. but seriously? when in history has this been done, like how its preceding? never. this is history. eradicating a villanous government is one step. but replacing the government is a totally fresh idea--- in the way its happening. ie- we stand watch over the country, fix problems of security and infrastructure, and allow the people of iraq to fully consider the ideas of political sovernigty that they wisht to exhibit. not the ones desired by the baath party, nor the republican party, nor the chineese government. whatever they want. we stand by to protect them and prop them up until they can fend for themselves; this, according to my knowledge has never been done. always, in the history of the world a conquering force has replaced an existing government with something similar to their own, or of their own decision. never has it been done like this. so why are we so critical? id be critical if we established it as the 51st state... or like the chineese do, by calling it another property of the mainlaind, or the brittish empire did, by calling it part fo the kingdom. no. never. yet it turns into leftist rag time. and i hate it. every minute of it. no fairness to the issue. no objectivity. no sense of necessary reason for our discussion at hand.

or she can back these two assholes from berkley and wisconsin, stanford and other places... namely Selznick and Nonet. two authors, highly critical of the development of legal structure in society; and how wonderful and enrapturing their ideas are. "doesnt this excite you all????" "doesnt this make you feel better" "dont they write so well?" "arent you thinking differently about government now?" all are phrases used to protest the goodness of these assholes. my answers were: nope. not really. it proves monkeys can hold pencils. i wouldnt say about government... published authors maybe. and she wasnt happy with my comments. see the two authors, in over 100 pages are trying to detail how society progresses, from a legal standpoint. but weve read this from better sources already, now we read the leftist-short-of-pissing-our-marxist-underroos version of it. things like repressive governments are baaaaad. stuff like legitimacy [freely used in 4 contexts resulting in 4 interpretations of the term] is how we grade this change. how good it is that responsive law societys find all these problems. crap like that. not only that, but when i argue against the points from the reading... explicitly the floating definition of LEGITIMACY [which she used in to ways; either as in the eyes of the governed; or as a legal system with separate legal facets from political ones] im cut off, told no, and moved on. i bring it back again. now shes angry, cuts me off, says no way. i argue exactly what she thinks... we can infact have a legitimate government, that is repressive! asshole S and asshole N, say we cant. its not possible. using their definitions i arrive at very plausible circumstances for it. im told to speak with her after class. i hate undergraduate courses. even more so when 4 of the law students, who openly told me they oppose the idea of insurging into iraq, told me that my arguments were quite sound and have alot of merit. not to a professor. one thats too lazy read my writings; but not selznick and nonet.

i hate this university. deeply.

Current Musical Selection: Velvet Revolver - Angie [cover]

well its pirated. ill give it that. taken from a fashion show several months ago that the band played at, the famous 'Stones tune, as covered by Slash and co, sound remarkably new and breath taking. it really is something id recomend people listen to... but its rather difficult to find. anyway... it gives new appreciation to an old favorite song... exactly what a good cover ought to do.

well ive put it off and put it off... ive been meaning to write a rather long and involved post. i havent done such in quite some time. and i know that several of my frequent readers do enjoy bitching about my extended, extended posting habits. so... be warned it is coming. this one doesnt feel quite right yet. not for the occasion. but maybe ill go for it.

i guess it all has to do with time. how time changes us. takes things from us. gives things to us. but ultimately, it is time herself that is the enemy who provides us... she keeps us content in order to break us down according to her schedule, on her time. she is fleeting yet drags... adjusting and fluid yet steady and measured. but it is from such things like time, that we can best see ourselves for who we are. much like a quartz crystal that vibrates, for our watches to measure time, so to does that time itsself, as elapsed, mean something greater and deeer for us all. some times we mark occasions with days, or presents. other times it is just the passage of so much time that can remind us all of what once was, or never will be.

so much happens, and then nothing. the past year was quite an up and down setting for me. by last count i held 4 different paying jobs in a years time. i have fallen in love, then fell out of it. i have learned and i have lost. i have rejoiced and i have fretted. yet each day the sun rises no differently. the trees are no less green. and the ice over the flowing rivers, is no less thick. it is in that passage of time, where these things do not change, when we most notice change then. so the trees may have no leaves, but the berries still fall from them. the walks and yards around the apartment are littered with the stuff. and yet, is that special for any reason? is the ice, frozen strong and fast, any different than what it was a year ago? can the clouds be more gray, or the sky less lit because we notice a change in season, during the lasting moments of our time. the enduring period or ourself whereby nature herself pauses, and for a moment, it seems, watches us... in stead of we our watches.

but while the hands have failed to move, we just yearn even more so for them to do so. the agony of time standing still is knowing that one day time herself will pass us by. and once again we will find ourselves alone at pause for the inevity of passage of more time. for more change. for longer passages of time

the longing of the motion is something that is eternal. movement, it seems, desires its course. once begun, the axiom states, a body in motion will tend to stay in motion. so then why does time slow for us in these dark days? its perpetual movent seems to have come to a crushing defeat, and a grinding halt. and instead, we profess, that she moves on. and she moves on past us. she rushes forward, we fall behind. she consumes us as our thoughts linger and lag behind. the true essence of time, is that of the cruel sadists. and we are forced to do nothing, but watch what she does.

so change, my dearest friends; is something that happens. it is not inevitable. it is current. it is not imminent, it is the imparative. change, simply occurs. we all must change. you all must change. they have changed. we will change. change is the constant, yet itself is immeasureably fluxiant. and that is the danger. the truest danger that faces us each. expecting the change, and excusing it. we can never excuse the change. we must hope to understand it, and see it for what it means. but we can not excuse the changes bitter people force.

in these days of somber and reflective thought, ive felt no less sure of myself, or of the certainty of what has happened. change, as it seems, happens not only for the present, but for the past as well. some things, which we thought were one static way, i suppose, are not. days and words later, we find that our whole understanding of events, has changed. simple things that one reflects on late into the night change us. they change our thoughts, our feelings, and then they change our preceptions of the things around us that have not yet occured. in some circles we call that stereotyping. in other circles we call that safeguarding ones self. so i learned. and i have changed. i have learned that the most shallow of people will say the most terrible of things. things unaggrivated for their provocation, and unmitigated from their mouth. things that change your preception of who you thought you knew. time does go backwards i suppose. she moves as she will, regardless of what the true state of events are, or were. she speaks from the cleft of the sinister side, to progress the movement for herself to the other side. that does not change. the slither of the skin from which she crawls does yeild new flesh, albeit darker than the last. so for that, we must regard her with safety. we must protect our guarded memories, and shield them from others... if we wish to prevent her from changing, again, what we once knew.

Current Musical Selection: Rainbow - Rising.


sooo. last post. maybe a bit much. or... was it... see i guess ive found that sometimes in life youve got to go out and make trouble. youve just got to start something. nothing just happens any more. well. stuff does, but its not what you want. never what you want. or so very fucking rarely that its not worth waiting on it. so i dunno. i thought i just would let it slide. then i thought about it some more when i was in class. i just opted for the intervention. so my good deed for the time being was to send some nice V-day things to her. so, as of this afternoon, i do know she has them. god bless delivery confirmation. so i dunno. maybe this year could be different than what im thinking. well see.

some more on this all later. too hungry to type more now.


s

Current Musical Selection: Rancid - White Knuckle Ride

well i think i may have gone slightly overboard last time. or not. she is quite gorgeous. and yes, i actually have spoken to her now. she sat next to me in class friday. but i think ive already killed my chances with her. she doesnt, by conversation, seem at all interested in me. then i was dumb, and tried talking. before i knew it i had Magister Marce yelling at me in latin. ugh. not only was it not good enough for me to stop talking, but after class he wanted me to explain what i was doing, and use a participle as i did it. groan. something only a classics dork would want a student to do. anyway. shes quite hot. i just dont know much about her. besides which, class comes first. which also prevents me from another choice piece of... potential interest. in my soc class. shes a business major. annnnd shes also my partner for the book discussion we have to do. hmm. well i can say this: i was able to get her number before we signed up together as partners. is that good? im hoping so. she seems alot more normal that other people ive dated. i suppose thats also a good sign.

ive got the apartment narrowed down to a few choices for next year.... all of them being outside the city limits of Iowa City. north liberty is looking like the real winner at this point. sounds like ill be living with kendra, a friend of mine from work, next year. should be alot of fun. she graduated in the summer from here with a soc degree; so atleast shes fun to talk soc theory with. although.. she doesnt care to. and although she doesnt seem to know much in the line of theorists... shes more gifted in the practical sense of it. where as i rather like the theoretical side. but fucking anyway. north liberty. cheaper rent. real parking spaces. bigger rooms. out of iowa city. the possibility of pets! well.. even if not, it means my parents can bring the dog up to visit me for a weekend. which would be kinda fun, even as much as that dog doesnt like me, i think it would be nice to have something around. but the entire plan hinges on graduation. sounds like summer is going to be an impossibility due to the classics dept not wanting to run summer courses, so ill end up being here A G A I N. i hate this school soc is done with my finals, so atleast ill have a degree ready, whenever they decide to put my name on it. 124 credit hours and counting... by the end of this semester that will bump up to 134. prolly 142 all said and done. over a semesters worth of hours taken for no reason. stuipd college.

s c o t t

elizabeth. my lordy. shes cute, shes blonde, shes thin, shes quiet, shes intelligent, she likes hard rock, she draws, shes hot, shes sensible, and shes in my latin class. thats the only downfall i suppose. i hate wanting girls from class. it never works out right. the rhetoric girls, the lit girl, the one from calc... none of these are good indications of success at this thing. that and shes young. younger than i should be looking at. still lives in the dorm. still calls mommy and daddy as such. but she looks over at me alot in class. often adds that constant hair flip and play. shes just suggesting that i watch more. ... ... ... and i do. sometimes i feel guilty doing that. falling for the same old tricks, in the same old ways. ill do the same old thing, and nothing will ever happen. nothing good atleast. this past year i even learned that doing everything different, and doing everything right still wont let you keep happiness. someone has to throw it away for you, if you dont. so i dont know. i do know shes very, very attractive to me. i guess thats hard to describe. most people could pick my outward type of person, but a precious few would know the inward type of person i look for. she seems like it. but then again, not so much like it. in her eyes, its a bit empty... more so than id like it to be. because that means something else to me. but there seems to be something alive in there. something interesting about her. but its altogether challenging to tell. she readily entices me to observe and flirt, but will not look on in the same way. more of a welcoming motion in, but wishing not to be welcomed herself. it is interesting. kinda like how im asserting all this from just looking at her in class. its all a game to her. moving spots everyday in a classroom the size of livingroom... the constant - hes not watching me watch him- glances. and the pretending not to see me, while still watching glances. it is nothing but a cruel, cruel game. a game of chance. a chance at something that is nothing more than a faux battle of witts and superiority of mind's precarious nature of the fleeting happiness and and lust that maintain our purpose for playing the game. its a smaller dinner cracker when you need a meal. and it is all very, very exhausting. but i digress away from the point of concern.


which...

is that i hate wearing these pants. these jeans, faded, ragged, ill fitting... the ones i find in the bottom of the back of the closet when i need them most. i search to find something stronger, cleaner, fresher. and i find this from the pit of the hole. but they suit me. blue. simple. functional. if not a little worn. the waist is a bit big now. the legs are a bit short. but they still fit. more so than i may want them to. and so i wear them. reluctant maybe, to not have found a new pair. a foregin pair. tags still intact, somewhere in the lower filings of my wardrobe. but i do not. i find only what i know. only what i have. only that which i may have touched to the point of comfort. but im not talking about blue jeans. and my true readers already knew that.


s


arria. o dei immortales!

... and the Machine Head plays on.


so its snowing. until late sunday, "we" werent really sure that it was going to snow. the royal we, el duderino, stands for the weather forcasters united. the forecast was this: its probably going to snow. or it wont. but if it does its going to be a shitload. or.. it just might not snow at all. fantastic. in the history of science and meterology, several hundred years.. only the last 50 or so of working without a net [ie infront of a live audience], we cant tell if its going to snow. but it will be alot. so now were sitting under the snow, doing nothing. schools and things were closing this morning, in expectation of the snowfall. but we werent really sure we were getting any. reminds me of y2k. people digging pits and having weapons caches in their backyards because a few computers might not work the next day. so, again, here we sit. cancelled classes and meetings, for the shitload of snow were probably going to get... but were not sure. not that it makes any difference, but should it really affect anything, anyway? what did we do 200 years ago? granted we had a few settlers in this area, but mostly blackhawk, sac, fox, iowa, and some misguided lower sioux indians roaming around the area; but what the hell did they do? did they decide to cancel everything, since its probably going to snow... no. what the hell difference does that make today? in the age of post-enlightenment, the information age of digital records, paved streets as far as the eye can see, with radar and advanced forecasting, mechanized man-mobile vehicles, sturdy footwear, available warm clothing... PLUS indoor convextion oven-style heating systems; what do we have to fear from a little snow? snow that we probably will get--- but might not! all said and done i guess i dont see the fixation with it. its snowed here for millions of years, and of that the past several hundred thousand of them, man has coped just fine. that ice-age thing did manage to kick our asses [ as a collective living species ], but i dont remember seeing "VERITABLE FUCKING ICEAGE" === or probably not, listed on the news forecast this morning. *sigh* i get too excited by these things. ningit. latin: it is snowing. lets just leave it at that. no forecasting, no possibly, could be, will be, might not be, shit-tonnes, dustings, powder, packed-powder, groomed, or glassy like conditions. its snowing. why all the madness?

i am your.. nightmares, true scares. that dream where you cant stop from fallin'

you cant run, you just cant stop the person youve become.

i am your... heartbreaks, mistakes, that place inside where you hate;

i am a... shadowing, following every move, reminding you youre never good enough, never gunna be enough

eventhough youll try and try...

because..

i am the thing..

bringing the feelings.


when


your world come crashing around you...
smashed down around you.

when will you see, that you can not hide from me?*




extra hours on the clock. 5 hours of studying. no lunch. no dinner. two pop-tarts at 10am. doesnt seem fair. some people get to sit around, doing nothing, soaking it all up. no responsibilities. no requirements. no work. over-indulged. i guess its not fair.

it never was supposed to be.








* Machine Head - Crashing Around You

another caucus is behind me. drop a second notch on my belt. thank you very much. more lata.

so here ya caught me in a coma.


and i dont think i wanna...


ever come back


to this world again.


kinda like it in a coma...


cuz no ones ever gunna...


ohhhhh


make me come back to this


world again.


sorta feels if im floatin away...


i cant feel all the pressure, man i like it this way.


but my body's callin... my body's callin....

Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - 19th Nervous Breakdown


lots of hell is breaking loose around work.

first i gave a girl a ride home from work the other day. i didnt think anything of it. its safe, besides shes an employeee; not a friggin stranger. all went well we were just talking and ranting about people at work, and when i get to her house she mentioned something about me staying awhile. i declined. i just wanted to go home. then she kissed me. she asked me again. i told her i had to open the next day... which was the truth... and she didnt say anything and got out. i didnt think anything of it till i got home, and was going to get out of the car myself. then i realized what she wanted. i dont know what to think. i was slightly repulsed. slightly turned on. and mostly just frustrated about it. not that i missed a chance, but i know ill have to deal with it later on. and i dont want to. i dont want her. and, maybe, if you get me drunk, ill admit under oath that i would enjoy a quicke; its not what i want. its just too weird. its just not what i want. and i was right. the next day, she tries to kiss me in the hallway by the time clock. one of these times someone is going to see something; and its going to be really fricggin difficult to make the truth appearant. and i hate that.

then saturday i knocked out 300 dollars in warranties. totalling something nasty like a thousand dollar week. the rest of the store, besides me, pull 300 all W E E K. then i come in this morning and the sales manager starts talking to me about promotion. staples wants to promote me to the department head position. not even 6 months from the day i start, they are looking to promote me. heres the catch. i have to hold down full time hours, 40 to 45 per week, and they want daytimes. i cant do that. i worked way too much last semester... so it felt.... and i have class during the week. they also dont want to give me much of a raise for it. so i said no. so today, after beeing throroughly swamped; and being the only person in my department [all others had 2 to 3], we pull no plans. i get chewed out for it. 1 out of 9 employees sells no plans, and is the fault for the store. its really not fair. its not my fault i was slammed all day... took a 15 minute lunch, because people kept paging me out, and i get no thanks for doing anything. just yelled at in front of the rest of the employees because i didnt sell one plan on 20 grand worth of business. nevermind the cashier talked one guy out of it. 2 others were pissed about standing in line and threw stuff down and walked out. its all my fault. i cant imagine the horeshit id be blamed for if i took their promotion. id rather leave it on my resume that i declined promotion before 6 months.

lots of stuff like that. the girl thing bothers me in the back of my mind, and in front of my face i get screamed at for everyone else not doing shit. i wonder if office depot would hire me?

Current Musical Selection: No Doubt - Underneath It All


well... interesting day.

im 23, and cant say i feel super old. i dont feel young though either. its some weird in-between stage. like i want to feel young. but i know i feel old. like today, presents were almost a downer. talking to people and getting cards in the mail, and pictures of friends with their new families... that was the highlight. i envy them. deep down i shouldnt, but i do. at 23 i wish i had a bit more focus and direction in my life than i do. im still in college, still doing nothing and going no where. i wish that maybe some day i could find something stable like that for myself. for now though.

parents came up and surprised me tonight. it was good to see them and go out to dinner. i got to hear stories from mom about the day i was born. kinda reminded me of the simpsons episode like that. i guess i was a tough kid. i spend the first several days of life in intensive care. my liver wasnt working at birth among other things. my birth defected foot waited for hours before they put me in traction to deal with it. mom said she spent the first night alone in the hospital walking up and down the halls looking at me through the glass.

so 23 years ago i spent the night alone in bed. and 23 years later ill do it again. its weird how that all works out. ironic.

but to everyone who talked to me today; big thank you's... all the family, coach, mouse, nicky and her fiance, mikki, tj, shane-o, j, jessica and her family, and erin too! yall make it interesting for me.

then it was time for birthday-bed-time.

YEAH!!!!!! ONE MORE DAY TILL MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

wow.

today i hit a new low. 3 days in a row of being too drunk. way too drunk. im done with it for a while. while it was cool to hang out with shane and his girlfriend and toby and kendra at the mill on new years eve, i felt it the next day. then for whatever reason i went back at it. then last night was crazy at the vine. by myself, in 2 hours i did 4 pitchers and 6 shots at the vine. wwwoooah not good. no puking. but no waking up either. i was an hour and a half late to work. it hurt to do much of anything, and i felt like puking most of the day at work. so im done for a while. but to back fill...

new years was nice. the open invite brought out 7 people off and on through the night. and joe price was playing. man i love his music. anyways. yeah just hung out had some food, some good conversation with friends, nice music, and cheap champagne on new years. and no, i had no one to kiss or dance with at midnight. other than that, ive just been hanging around and working alot. spent tuesday of this week with the rents all day. they dropped by iowa city for the bball game and we trooped around williamsburg during the day. found some neat books at one store. spent under twenty bucks for 4 nice hardcoverd editions of various things. the rents were cool. its always nice to hang out with the family when i can. other than that its work work work. kinda getting tired of the scenery though. its bad enough that im memorizing prices, but now im memorizing stock numbers of items.

work was fun tonight. since i was late i had to close... instead of writing me up, the cool manager suggested i stay and close with the annoying manager... and deal with constant shit from her all day. all in good fun. and i deserved it. minus the constant up and down on ladders. damn near fell off one. about barfed on a chinese guy later on. still it was fun. everyone else had a lot of fun with me. and i suppose from time to time its good to let that happen. definitely lightens the frustrations around the place. besides, i did look like a jackass. stunk like beer and cigarette smoke, teetering around the store. i brushed my teeth three times, but you could still smell alcohol on me. it was bad. almost as bad as the shit i had to do. someone wanted to buy a displayed piece of furniture. its this big honking fucking 72 inch bastard desk, with corner connector and 48 return desk. it must weigh about a ton. the best part was trying to dissassemble it in as few a pieces as possible. plus trying to defeat the glued-in-dowel-rod construction of some of the pieces. in the end, it took 4 of us, 30 minutes to figure it out. 20 minutes to break it down. and 15 minutes to load it in to a car for them. so not worth it. but neither was the desk. we paid 1700 bucks for the setup 4 years ago. its been beaten up pretty bad in places. it was stickerd down to like 400 bucks to sell it. well they thought they should get more off it. i went and looked it up... yeah, it was since marked down to 199... almost ten percent of new... so i went back out and said there wasnt much i could do. i offered 350. they said no. i said 325 was it. they took it. the store manager was pissed at first. again, he only knew about the 400 dollar tag, and wanted to know why i dumped the price down. he laughed later when i showed him the register log files... the fun stuff that DOESNT print on your receipt. he couldnt stop laughing. but it was laughing through the pain. thinking about moving that desk makes my back hurt... oww....

haha. survived yet another xmas onslaught. did my shopping in the most record time yet... 1 day. in 3 stops. cant beat that? still came in under budget. everyone is happy. god. i think i might have done something right for once this year. time went fast though, that last week. now im holed up at the parents house for a few days. very little else has gone on lately. found out my winter-term class was cancelled, so now ill spend all break working. id much rather have gotten that last class done with, now ill have to pick it up with others... hopefully i can find a way out of a 17 semester hour spring term. im done doing that much busy work at once in my undergrad career. so instead im camping out for a few days here. davenport has changed. streets in new places. walmarts in new places. added a home depot here too. lots of random crap and capital improvements around the place. i noticed alot of it coming into town. i took the scott way home, cutting through gravel and county roads, and eventually meandering back through town to the house. saw lots. its funny like that. the more things can change, the more it can feel like home. more ironic than funny i suppose. sorry. its a short post. more sometime soon. dial up eats my butt.

tHe SkizzOtt

Current Musical Selection: A Perfect Circle - A Stranger

interesting situation arose at work tonight. for whatever reason a customer bought a label maker that was supposed to be 17 bucks.. its normally 50. well the cashier rang it up with the wrong numbers, swapped a couple, and comes up with some kind of trapper-binder think thats like 9 bucks. of course the cashier had no idea about the ad or the items in it... so they person, knowing its rung up wrong, says nothing and walks out with it. that was two weeks ago. come yesterday, the customer wants to bring it back and get money back for it. ofcourse we cant do it because the item isnt on his receipt. staples caves in. we realize the SKU was flipped, so they are willing to give him up to the 17 bucks back, even though he only paid 9. but the item isnt 9 dollars anymore. its 50 once again. he now demands 50 bucks. the cashier calls me up. i say go to hell. i call the manager up. she says well only do the 17... and told him... seeing as its double what he paid, he ought to take it. i let it slip that the item is actually 50 now. the customer stops. says. see ya. ill keep it then. fast forward to today. customer comes back in, demands the 50 bucks back. we say no. 17 only. customer takes all names down, and copies of the paper work, and is writing a letter of complaint to corporate against me and the manager. interesting situation to be in. i dont really care much about it. but it got me and the manager talking for 20 minutes about morales and ethics involved with it all. especially how the double standard exists. how its acceptable for the customer to say nothing when he pays half what he should, and doesnt correct it. but how its unacceptable for us not to give him double of THAT back later on. at what point are you being unethical when you change your intentions of a returrning an item when you find out the value of the item changes. besides, doesnt have to become highly unethical to then argue to get double what is owed to you, when you have no claim to it?

besides which, it parallels another circumstance at work for me. a girl who im somewhat friends with has been sicking out of work, on average, a day a week. lately shes gone over a week straight without showing up. management, who likes me, told me shes going to be fired for it. that they are waiting for a call back from corporate HR in Mass. to hear how to do it best. so do i have any ethical responsibility to tell the girl shes going to be canned? what if i said shes been working for the company for 4 years? what if i said shes been doing this for all 4 years? what if i said shes a good worker? what if i said shes never very good at her job? what if i said shes coming from a broken home? what if i said her boyfriend is a [convicted] drug-dealer? what if i said i felt sorry for her? and what if i said she does drugs too? makes the story quite interesting to think about. each layer to the story is true. all in all, while it may be moral for me to tell her, its not necessarily ethically required that i do so. well.. i guess not. i have to remind myself that what i was told by management was priviliged. as was the information i did not relay to them about her. any of which would likely only expediate the process. so i guess im not going to say anything. i can say she deserves to be fired. but honestly, she doesnt deserve to stay employed either. such and interesting day.

also got one nice compliment. i sold some guy a 400 dollar digital camera and shit to go with it, plus a plan on it. he told me he got hit by a master salesman. laughed when he said it, and just said its easy to do with good quality products. he laughed. he told me hes sold insurance for 30 years, he said he knew a good salesman when he heard one. that was pretty cool to hear. i guess i never consider myself to be a salesman. just someone that answers questions and moves shit around. but i guess i am. ive sold more in warranties than ive earned in wages. and i dont make a penny for it. i guess... if i did, id consider myself more of a salesman. intersting thoughts today.

last night was such a beautiful night to walk home. so quiet and peaceful out. no cars. no people. nothing at all, but the freshly fallen snow. just a quiet, pristine world around me. although it took a while to regain my snow-legs.... but once i did, it was worth it taking the long walk home. cold air didnt matter. nor the wind. not on a night like that. a night where all the mistakes of mothernature are covered over in a new fresh blanket of purity. the green grass stuck out in places, and sure not all the trees have lost their leaves yet. but it was all concealed if not for the first time this season. the first snowfall is really remarkable. it changes alot of things. it changes our clothing, our eating habbits, how we walk, when we go to things, it dictates what we can and cant do for plans. but i still couldnt help but think about that little curiousity. where fresh white snow, is pulled across the earth like a veil over what lies before us, all is hidden and replaced with this image. no matter what the truth may be, how green that grass is, how soggy the soil, or warm the pavement, the fresh white snow hides all from our eyes. its a clean start. its demanding of something more than words, yet the more i think about it, the fewer words i can come up with to describe those non-verbal thoughts. hidden away underneath is the coating she wants us to see. fresh, new.

tomorrow is interesting. its Lsat day. im kind of worried. im worried about worrying for the things i cant change. that test is designed to show me, no matter what type or amount of preparation, what type of true skills i have, that are valuable in deciding, for me, a career in law. and i cant change that. nor the test. and probably not how i even respond to the questions. i worry about that a great deal. everyone i know is wishing me luck on it; but luck wont matter much... not nearly as much as whats inside of me.

and for those keeping score at home, i did manage to get the phone number from that hot volleyball player. oh yeah!

Current Musical Selection: Hanoi Rocks - Delerious

after another long class period of listening to people's sad tales of woeful mistreatment of the nations' immigrants, i feel as though there is nothing i can do to clearly state my boredom with it all. for once, it would be nice for people to accept the bare presentation of fact that exists in the business world, and in the social world around us. lets kill a couple of happy cloud dreams shall we? i pick one such group; but you can make very similar arguments for any unseccessfully included immigrant group in this nation.

mexican-americans, are earning signifficantly less money than caucasian americans, even less than other immigrants from other countries [besides central america]

mmmhmm. this has quite a bit to do with 4 main areas; language, social mobility and social connection, legal immigration status, job market competition. the biggest reason so many of these people earn statistically less is because so many are jobless, or can only except extremely low paying jobs. why? look above again. legal immigration status is the largest reason. in the post 9-11 days, we will find it continually less likely to slide past or around any sorts of immigration laws or identification procedures. in fact, even my company is asking for 2 forms of identification to process my check, and they know who i am. being able to prove legitimate emmigration [notice, not immigration] status is important, and it always has been. without proving status, its next to impossible to find employment past season labor, or something that will require high turnover [and likely low pay to match], or a field of work given exception by the federal government [some states as well; but mainly their few and far between now... used to be popular in California, Arizona, Texas, and across to the midwest for the growing seasons]. so if you cant prove you can legitimately work here, you wont be allowed to. lets also put the statistic out there that Mexican-Americans are sighted as having the largest rate of illegal immigration status in this country. thats a problem. second, they arent speaking the language of higher wage employment. should they be able to find a job, its going to be in a connected field of work or similar comfort zone where they wont be risking their [un]nationalized status. ie- working for a lawn care service or meat packing house that employs large amounts of known illegals. it could also include family ties... working at a local shop a family member owns, which would likely not report the income and wages to the IRS, and instead pay in cash. this is true for many other ethnicities as well. asian-americans have been doing this for generations; with stereotypical restaraunts and the like employing the entire family off one or few legalized citizens. the problem mexican-americans are facing that other groups are not, are their reluctance to ever file for citizenship. its then this social mobility and connection that prevents upward mobility, capping high wage earners to small, small numbers. the immigrants are forced to stay with in these lower wage, but more secure [legally wise] and comfortable circles for employment; which as a whole are not high wage areas. example. one child from a family starts a market in a spanish neighborhood. several family members follow him later on [illegally], and take up residence and work for them. maybe they also help work at other places in the neighborhood--- but scarcely outside of that. as succuessful as these small enterprised might be; they pale in comparision to the wages that could be earned from a large company... thats not going to be in their neighbor hood. secondly these circles hold them back in mobility as they make no networking connections to higher wage earning communities. example. working at an office supply store will bring you into contact with business owners and company reps, from my company alone 4 individuals in 2 years have left to work for a company by meeting through contacts from our store. you arent going to find the HR director of GE-Westinghouse shopping, randomly, through small town, mexican speaking sections, and exclusive mom and pop stores in ultra urban california. since the interaction is limited with the community, they rarely seek anything beyond minimal contact with necessary areas [walmart, health clinics, police/fire response] so they have cut themselves off from their best asset--- shopping around in the outside market. language is also a barrier. unlike many different emmigrant groups, who do make the attempt to learn english, the mexican-american subculture is largely making no movement for this. infact there is in fact, great resistance to learning english as a whole. why learn it? the isolated innterconnected communites dont use english, and with that limited contact to the outside world, there isnt much need for it. so they refuse to. its also all bundled up in a wicked mix of national identity and race relations, which the liberal movementarians have categorized as a positive image in our society, so we find the country quickly fractionalizing in to small groups, and strongly solidifying into those groups. because its sooo important to be diverse, we have wildly interjected groups of people together with nothing in common, no will to coexist, and no means to come together. the most worsening factor has been gorwing resentment and anxiety between groups forced together. this type of reaction is commonly seen to amount in one of a few ways; and its finding its own way to become solidy. scared of being interjected into a society that doesnt accept them [no english language skills, no legal citizen status, and refusal to move beyond familial relations], they turn inward. they are only strengthening the factors that this diverse worldview is pushing them against. try it on your own. pick a grammar school, 2nd grade students, at a lunch table. separate boys and girls for a week at lunch. then the next week put a 10% mix of girls into the boys group, and vice versa. watch what happens. name calling, isolation, chastisement, abandonment, anger. all of these are common human reactions to the introduction to a new and unfamiliar setting, its no wonder its happening on a much larger scale. then put all of those factors together, and place one person from this group against any other american; and find me an employer is willing to take that immigrant 1 out of 10 times. what business is going to hire an indiviudal that doesnt speak your language, has low levels of education [due to] no legal citizenship, no well connected references, and a growing fear/hostility to the world outside their own? isnt this then easy to see why the wages arent high on average, why the job market outlook is dismal at best? i guess not. these kids are waisting their time trying to prove that pink clouds of happiness really are in a black sky line. use your mind. not the garbage this university feeds you about diverse settings, cultural sensitivity, or positive minds make positive realities. look for the green dollar. who holds it? learn why they have it. youll learn many more truths about the world around you that way, than by ever listening to these people with degrees preaching the get-along- speeches of 30 years ago.