Current Musical Selection: Bob Dylan - Oh Sister

well i guess i have nothing to worry about. here i was, nevous and unsettled. hoping i could actually cook everything alright. i got up early to start on everything. the bird in the oven at 9am. had real [not minute variety] wild rice going at 10. plus jello and stuff. everything was going well. then the reality sunk in. the nervousness reappeared because no i wasnt so sure that my cooking would be the problem. i hadnt seen her in months. i didnt want to screw this up. just wanted a nice day. forget about everything else. have a nice meal. so two people dont feel so lonely on this day. so i called; as scheduled to, right at 1pm. no answer. wait 10 minutes. call again. nothing. once more 20 minutes later. finally i get an excuse. guess what? a no show. table was set, drinks were poured. im cradling the phone as im carving up the bird. all i was missing was the guest. i hung up. seems like a waste. yeah, it is a waste. 50 bucks worth of food. one person. another day solitude. yet another meal in silence. and i guess i dont know why i try anymore. i tried so fucking hard, just to put everything together at the last minute; because i thought it would be nice. and im sitting at the table by myself. and now im not hungry. im looking at all this food. all the effort it took to get everything set just right, and i cant figure out why. alot of people would cry at this point. and thats ok. i can understand why that would happen. but i didnt. i just let it sit there. and i looked at it. and just tried to figure out why.

thank you to someone for memorable meal that wasnt.

it really was strike three for you.


happy thanksgiving to everyone out there,
hope everyone has better luck than me this year

procrastinating.

but ive had this lingering thought the past few days. its just... i dunno. i guess does anyone else ever miss being in love? i do. i dunno. lately ive had to be around everyone with everyone; and it just keeps re-entering my mind. i ran into my old roommate, and even Stinky has a girlfriend. i mean, stinky does. i sit on the bus to class and listen to some girl recounting her weekend where her boyfriend proposed to her. i just cant stop but thinking; hey how fair is this? in 6 months i cant even get 40 people to look at some stupid ass personal ad, yet people are just walking around with people, getting married, having futures; and i cant help but think how unfair it all is. i mean. really why. is it im not deserving of it? did i just screw up every chance i ever had? am i just not meant to find that end? i guess i dont know anymore. but after watching people around campus and such; i guess i realize how much i miss being in love. sure i dont miss the crap that comes with it; but i do miss having someone around; someone to talk to, someone that talks to me. someone that smiles when i come home. someone that wants to do things with me. then sure all the fun things, the handholding the making out, etc. but its the point of feeling that i matter to someone else. i just dont get that feeling now. there are times where i just feel utterly alone here. had it not been for work; there has been days where ive gone without having to say a word, and no one has said a thing to me. alot of times when there are things spoken; its negative to me. i guess no one quite cares about what i do. the expectation is that i just dont do it around them. which is a lovely thought. but i suppose its hard not to think i alone, when i am. and i will be. i might not be able to make it back for thanksgiving. ill be here. alone. eating cold cut sandwhiches. how cant i feel alone? i miss not feeling that way. i really do miss being able to come home to someone. someone that doesnt bitch at me for bitchings sake. someone that smiles at me. someone that has to incessantly cuddle and steal sheets at night. someone that doesnt mind sleeping in through a class with me. i dunno. maybe i dont know what im talking about...

Current Musical Selection: Nazareth - Love Hurts

well ive managed to kill the chances of one plan today... slept in late. i knew i would. so thats going to limit my study time... but the sleep was soooo good. no one is here any more... neither roommates or in the building. i think i saw 3 cars in the lot when i came home last night. this morning there is mine and one other. sleep is good. i wish i could sleep in more often. so im spending the day studying for lsats.. can anyone think of a more exciting thing to do? i sure cant. but it leads back to the fact that no one is around. i think all but 2 of my friends have already left to go home. which is sad. the year they give us the entire week off; i have to work through the entire damn week. and not even good hours! same shit hours i have during the year. worthless crap.

tonight should be fun. joe price is playing at the Yacht Club. id ask someone, anyone to go.. but its a 21 only venue... annnnnd no ones here. so i guess ill hold down a table by myself. this will be 5 times ive seen him. 3 that ive been by myself. but atleast ive never been to the yacht club. supposed to be a nice place. guess ill find out. hell it might be dead enough down town i could even drive! beats a slow, cold, walk home bymyself.

Current Musical Selection: Britney Spears - Everytime

" and everytime i try to fly i fall without my wings.. i feel so small. i guess i need you "

well.. wayne said i did good. he had A scrawled on the page. but over all my presentation; worth massive multas puntas was entirely lost on all in the room. i got lots of nods and smiles for my data and research conclusions, all in support from the TA's and the professor.. the students? i did in fact witness 2 middle fingers. multiple frowns, and two people tried to leave early. most looked annoyed. god i hate this. why make me present research that no one else wants to hear? i lost them the moment i announced why i was involved in the 21 ordinance in the first place. yeah. i dunno. i wanted to pul it off, and have kids atleast appreciate it. no one applauded when i was finished. the girl who surveyed childrens books got applause. people were excited to hear the 19th survey on gender stereotypes in pop magazines. i got flipped off. silence gets to me. i spent better than 3 weeks on that half hour of work and nothing for it. no one saying; nice job. no comments about how it was atleast interesting. the best comment i got was "that was ________ intense... he should _______ off". makes me feel pretty bad about the entire deal. i kinda wonder why im doing this college thing, if this is whats required. what the fuck is the point of me getting up and barking off weeks worth of data and research if im only going to get middle fingers.

...

there was that split second where i thought it was going to come together. then the PC chokes on my thumbdrive. i run to the ITC to pull the file off. try to print it. printers are taken down for maintence. i take my shit. walk down the hall. pissed off now. kick open the graduate TA lab door see one person in the room; unplug her ethernet connection and print my shit; chop 9 slides, all transitions and most of my pictures to crunch down to 1.38megs to fit [barely] on a floppy. to go present to students that hate it. even the hot undergrad TA seemed falsely sympathetic.

i wish people would have liked it. or lied. i clapped for their crap. i asked them helpful, leading questions to help pad their grades. and i get the finger. to a statistical certainty. why am i here again? feeling generally worthless. i guess thats why.

Current Musical Selection: Black Sabbath - After All The Dead

"when did you lose all control; is there someone to be trusted with my mind?"

"oh theres insufficient evidence, of what might just come after; but sometimes out of nowhere there is demented sounds of laughter"

"are we all haunted by the ghosts imagination; it just cant be that safe out there, howling out alone"

"is it just me or does somebody else believe this? that im not alone and im not afraid; theres just one way to see..."

"after all. after all. after all. "

bee a little while since ive posted. lots has happened. but nothing wonderful, nothing extrodinary. nothing worth mentioning. i failed a test, my car got hit, ive been sick, i register days before anyone else for classes, and my hair is short. yeah. take that one to heart.

grand total = 3. this drunk ass flamer thought he could stagger around my apartment building at 2:20 in the morning and get away with it. especially with such memorable words like "help me" "take me out of here" "they are going to get me" he deserves to get his ass hauled away in a squad car. thank you iowa city police department. you do the work that rest of the community takes for granted. to the drunk ass: never, ever come back into my building again like that. and if you ever, ever, ever think try some kind of a threatenting move on me; be prepared to live on a respirator the rest of your unnanatural life, because when i strike to incapacitate; i never miss.

again.. i detest people that have no personal thoughts, and rely solely upon song lyrics for a post... but.. because it just matches my thoughts right now.

" just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my mind. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."

" trouble always seems to find a way to live inside my mind. my haunted hell and me remain alone. underneath the masquerade is a simple man who's so afraid; i try to find a light to guide me home. mamma please just hold me tight; feeling so afraid tonight, because youre the only one that really knows..."

" that im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces of my life. running out of faith and hope and reason. im running out of time."

" fighting for my sanity. many nights of tragedy. tried to leave my reached remains behind...

" im just another lonely, broken, hero. picking up the pieces from my mind. running out of faith and hope and reasons... im running out of time."

Ozzy.

and the grand total rises to 2.

2 different people have now felt my rath. first were the potheads, and now... now the tribe of drunks feels the burn. the sheer anger in their drunken stupor as they bitch to the police officer and i, as their out of state car is towed away. too bad fuck heads. "they should have written it down that we cant park here" --- its actually posted in a couple different places dude. "like something id SEE or something man." its a white sign on a dark building; with a bright light 3 inches away from it. "fuck you" - thanks, fuck yourself. have fun cashing in beer bottles for your impound fees.

what a night. what a day.

Current Musical Selection: Col Parker - Angel's Run

im starting to get anxious. not in the good way, but in the bad way. im official now; LSATs are coming on Dec 6th, whether im ready or not. probably my last major research presentation on the 12th of Nov for my major, then a possibly make or break latin midterm later that week. not to mention the bullshit busy work inbetween; and ofcourse work its self. it should be an interesting span of days. each is going to impact my life to come [at least for the next few years], so i think im due to be a bit apprehensive about it all. maybe more so im impatient. id rather not sit and study for it, learn it all, or prepare for it. id rather get it all done. its the time inbetween thats driving me insane. i guess its the time between knowing i have to prove myself, and the wait until i can do it; is that which drives me insane. like i said, it should be an interesting span of days for me.

ive intensified my efforts to study; and i fear its not enough. ive logged about 20 hours in the library this week alone [ and its only wednesday], the next few days will be worse im sure. id like to go home and finish my parents computer [its half built, with all parts waiting in my room], but i know im going to want to stay around and get nothing done... and besides, all the materials i need are going to be in the U's library. damn near under lock and key. atleast there is never a line to use the microfilm machines... heh. i bet most of the kids here dont know where they are, much less how to use them. so thank you mom for those years of doing genealogical work; ive learned something usefull [yet again] that college never taught me. go college!

had an interesting conversation with a co-worker tonight. seems im not the only soc major in the town, that detests the place. kendra says shed much rather live outside of city limits. im glad someone else sees this place for what it is. everything i see around here looks the same. i guess immersing myself in research data on the subject isnt too healthy of an indulgence... but neither is walking through beer cups in the hallway each weekend, or dodging the barf stains and broken bottles that cover the sidewalks of the town. *sigh* i know i dont fit in.

its all so hard to say i have a realistic and necessary position in this place; when it appears im so out of place. sitting around eating dinner at 11pm at Village Inn, i hoped to find more people like me. i was wrong. the place was fairly alive and moving with people in pairs and groups. laughing, talking, conversing. i sat alone in a booth in the corner in my silence. i suppose i could have said something, but then again, id be responsible for responding to myself... and that wouldnt look too good. so i did my latin. like a good boy [bona puer], and borrowed from the people around me. i suppose thats what i have to do in order to fit in. live each day like its someone elses to live; and hope that in the end, no one notices i never did.

hell i suppose theres alot more places you can go with it too... i layed awake for over an hour thinking about some of the relations in the film. take the irony of the Man With No Eyes [who doesnt SPEAK!], and where he shoots Luke... hmm.. someone left an angry message about how Luke couldnt be gay... well... how about how is woman left him, how about how he has to FAKE the picture with women to gain acceptance with the rest of the men, or how Luke seems unaffected by the woman washing the car, and how he doesnt have flashes like the rest of the men in the camp. could it be so far out there to say that Luke is not like everyone else; who are licking the boots of this woman just for memories... selling glances at women in print.. and why everything is a struggle for Luke, how he wont disclose his past, how he yearns to fit in... etc. etc. maybe its just a boring movie about a man fighting with God. maybe its nothing more than a man trying to escape the devil. or just something having to do with death. yes, just death. but there are so many things about the movie that i dont understand... watch it.

kinda like Easy Rider. i watched that one again tonight. the end always gets me. it comes out of no where. i suppose most of the movie doesnt make a hell of alot more sense, even the plot is rather sketchy. i have yet to see the point of showin the opening scenes about the drug deal. instead, it would have made a much more powerful film just assuming these are two normal guys that society cant fathom at its current state [much in the way George's [Jack Nicholson]'s speech iterates]. hell. even George's death isnt very well done. seems like a poor way to get rid of a character used for the commentary in only 2 places. one about the acceptance/rejection of the 60's evolving counterculture; and second to show the lack of effect on a quasi normal person immersed in teh drug culture of the time. remember george questions the weed, gives the answers people popularly assume should deter those from drugs, and still nothing happens to him BECAUSE of the drugs. instead it is the mask of the entire subculture that brings about his death. something --- i stress again--- could have been done in much better ways... like the scene in the dinner... very good. the trip sequence in the graveyard is out of place, and so is the whole shitty 8mm filming sequence that precurses it. just artistic crap. especially the various fades and pans used in the film... nothing more than for art's sake. but the scenery is beautiful for most of the movie. i guess that doesnt make up for the entire lack of plot [other than a druggy road trip]. but it came out at roughly the same time as Cool Hand Luke. both use a very distinct and cliched subculture to make their commentaries about greater society. just some parts of them do it better than others. especially flamming motorcycles shooting across a field. what does that prove again? anyway. watch them both. think about them more than just the pretty pictures. youll realize a few more things about life than you ever cared to notice before thinkin of it that way.

well ive never seen all of Cool Hand Luke before. just about 20 minutes here and there, and ofcourse the snipet used in GnR's Civil War. so watching the movie was cool. knowing only that the movie was pretty well recieved in the late 60s during its release, and also knowing that this is one of the movies that made Paul Newmann, it was worth watching; aside from the fact that it was up for Academy Awards in 67. i probably watched it on one of the original reels. very grainey, very out of balance colors. so it was very true to what i guess id expect to have seen then. turns out its not so much a drama as it has comedic parts, and it has too many weighty sections to be laughable. havent quite figured it out. it is going to go on my xmas list. maybe some commentary or something on the DVD may help jog my thoughts... but ive pieced together that the movie its self is much more complex than the simple prison life story it containts. death figures in, but not really how youd expect... not like in Shawshank, Green Mile, or Last Castle even... instead death presents its self in a quite way. much like the Man With No Eyes. who, actually does have eyes... and we see them, vaguely at two points... but call him The Man With No Voice, as it seems more fitting. anway; its a struggle about redemption. ill put money there. not alot. but ill bet the spread on it. it has much more to do with that then happiness. religion is a central role, but not as clearly major as some people will think it is. the overtones are obvious, but its what its suggesting thats more important as a story. it also has something to do with fitting in. not the ultra obvious that Luke doesnt fit it; but that HE DOES. more importantly its about Luke's ability to cross over from fitting in, to becoming a misfit; to fitting in again. his ability to walk this line is something that seemed important to me. why? well in a movie about redemption; which is anything but an exact science; we find constant metaphors and visuals of straight lines. train tracks, walls, ledges, boards, roads, fences. even the bricks in the HotBox are positioned in very straight rows [compared to the falling apart structure] as is the hole that Luke digs for himself. interesting. besides whenever we have Luke fleeing, he crosses these things. he meanders across roads, fences, bridges, lines, traintracks. again, showing that the road to redemption is not a logical one. so it is about redemption. and its not about religion. why? no. thats too easy. come on. look past that. its about Luke and his father... the same relationship exploited by Speilberg and Lucas years later... but its Luke and his father. the father he never knows, the son he can never guide. this is why God is The Old Man, this is why Luke only begins his wanderings after his mother's death; because he is in search of his father. his father though, never having been named or met, stalks Luke. through the war, through his law problems, until the end. is The Man With No Eyes metaphorically Lukes father? could be. im torn between that and the signiffigance of the Captain. his role means something more. The Man... never corrects Luke; that IS IMPORTANT to understanding the relation with the father; but so is the Captain. the Captain is the one that brings Luke back, the Captain is the one that corrects Luke, the Captain is the one trying to tie Luke home.--- just like Luke's mother. Lukes mother wants Luke to behaive, to have grandchildren.. Luke is the child she put her hope in to. but she dies in vain. i dont get that one. but i like her line about people... people should be more like dogs... that someday even a bitch wouldnt know'd her own pups anymore, and it would save her the pain of watching them. lots of things i need to watch for again. besides... think of the little stuff. why The Man kills only animals... what about the ironic scene of the white man in chains before two black boys. how about the metaphors about war, and why The Man removes the bolt from his rifle, and forces prisoners to bring it to him. but im settling on this for tonight... it has much more to do with redemption than a simple story. religion isnt so important to it. Luke could be gay. and we should all do a little more to find out about our fathers. watch it sometime. i know im missing it. the main line of this story is something i can see pieces of, but i cant quite get my hands around. its frustrating. it makes it another movie to buy and watch again....

Fraud Is Fun

gee isnt it. fraud is fun? deception is game, and its the best kept secret one can have. kinda like buying a phone on ebay.. listed as new in box... still wrapped and stickered... THATS STOLEN. Fraud Is Fun. its crooked fun i suppose. maybe Phun even. but the rigors of staying fraudulent... those are pretty concrete. so Fraud is Phun. i got a great paper weight out of this. it lights up and everything. does calculations, laptimes, games... hell its even supposed to answer my phone calls for me... but it wont. since its a stolen phone. im working on clearing my name in the legal legistics circus this will become. but Fraud Is Phun! att then gets my money; again for service, and now for another phone. one that does work. best part is ATT wouldnt even tell me who is the rightful owner of this stolen phone. i offered to ship it back to the owner, at my expense, because its the right thing to do. a no go. ATT said they dont know, and dont care. they are just happy that no one can ever use this phone again. except me. or who ever it really belongs to. sigh. Fraud Is Phun.

i need to get away from here. im gone the next few days.

[you are smart. we both know youll read this, and youll know why i left]

Current Musical Selection: Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan - The Girl From The North Country

well.. im not as mad as i was earlier. its hard to stay angry with music like this. bob slows down his song and teams up with Cash sometime in 1969 to pull off the song. sounds very different. very comfortable. very relaxed. very sorrowful. i almost like it more than the original. if you want it, let me know... i will trade this mp3 as its never been published [officially] to my knowledge.

latin is stupid. it makes sense. and there are days i still enjoy it. but its hard to feel like i can enjoy it when i dump so much time into it for nothing; then just get beat down for missing a day here and there. bob doesnt realize what goes on in my life; or that i work more hours than he does. add job hours plus just inclass hours, and youve got near a 50 hour week. thats not counting the time for this unending outside of class crap. soc may still kill me yet 2 research projects due soon. 1 in about 3 weeks. another gets a month repreive. im more excited about the first one. lots of work to do, lots of things to get done. plus i have to present on it. im not sure really what im going to end up saying for 30 minutes about my work. that scares me. maybe ill know when i get it done.

well this is day 2 on this set of clothes... i fell asleep in them last night and never changed or showered. i feel gross. but its comfortable and warm atleast. tomorrow i really need to shower. sleep would be nice. but its going to be in short supply for a few weeks more. i slept about 4 hours last night... maybe as much tonight. hopefully more tomorrow night. but well see. bless those who get the sleep they deserve. it is a luxury God has not afforded me. but aslong as i dont have to do the 4 days in a row, like i did last year; ill be ok. slept saturday night, was up all day sunday, night, monday, night, tues, night, wednesday, half the night. slept thursday. was up thursday night and friday. it was a scary stretch. prolly shortened my life by 4 years. so dont be like me kids.

i think ive surprised people this past week, demonstrating that i can cook without burning down the place. coacn and mouse were the first victims... jeff and khaldee got their dose of poison tonight. anyone else who wants me to cook for them just ought to drop me a line. its not so bad. sure beats cooking for myself every night. at least then i have someone to talk with as i do it.

ive been thinking over my situation of the future. im not sure whats going to happen. i was set to do LSATs this summer, now im starting to balk away from it. i think i need a strong kick to get me to do it. because i need to. i guess the future just kind of scares me. more likely than not, i wont be here in a years time. ill be somewhere. without anyone i know around me. even for a non-people person like myself, its hard to think about. but i guess its got to happen. things just have to move along somehow.

other than that, my mind is full of things. lot of what i wrote last night stays there. i really do need to talk about it. aaron was right; ive got to just let it go... the hell with timing, situation, or what they think. i do need to be honest and let it go. i guess, as much as im reluctant to do it, im glad i do have friends out there that i know are right. i fight with myself when i know how much it means to me. and i shouldnt do that. it shouldnt be this way... the whole situation is wrong... so i guess its time [according to my horrorscope] that i step to the plate to start the bargaining process.

other than that... im feeling burnt out. its early yet. lots of things to go. but i feel it. im dragging. i ache. im tired. its setting in.

x

Current Musical Selection: Anthrax - Volume 8


pissed.

i hate latin. i spent like 4 hours doing translations and studying up on shit; we didnt hand a FUCKING SCRATCH of it in. im pissed. and on top of that i got the normal lip service that my translations suck. fucking hell. why. why require a language again?

"i dont remember whose blood this is... but ive got a hammer inside my head..."

[more later]

i dunno.

i think.

and then i dont know.

i went for a long walk last night. real late. sometime after about 2am.

i was talking to someone... and i wanted to let go with too much.

so i had to shut myself up.

and i walked.

i ended up somewhere around the Oral B plant...

then i just sat and thought for a while.

came back home.

passed out in my clothes and shoes.

i woke up this morning.

it/they were still on my mind.

so all day i droned about.

trying not to think; but having my thoughts drift away anyway.

and i dont know.

i dont know anything more than i ever did.

but i know how i feel.

but does that count for much?

does what matters to me, matter much to you?

i just think outloud sometimes.

i like hearing it.

maybe it all makes more sense, if it sounds like someone else is saying it.

but im thinking it.

last night i wanted to say it.

but i kept it to myself.

i need to say it.

i need to say something.

it gets harder everyday not to.

and i want so badly to say something.

im tired of holding back what i feel, and what i want...

im tired of holding back myself.

i just want it the way it should be.

the way it makes sense.

the way that feels right.

nothing else ever felt so right in my entire life.

last night i thought about how things could be.

i thought i could live with certain things.

how i couldnt without others.

why cant it be that way?

why cant it be the way that we wanted it to be?

why cant it be the way that was natural for us?

why cant it just be for us?

but i say too much.

i think even more.

Current Musical Selection: just the rain falling through the open window

werk is annoying. aggrivating even. tonight i spent my 6 hours putting stock away. stuff that should have been done 2 weeks ago; that should have definitely been taken care of during the reflow, but was just thrown in to carts and totes in the lockup area. i spent 3 hours going through it all, sorting out the lockup closet and putting shit out. shit we were out of; but wouldnt get replacements for because they were in the store... just not on the shelf. i didnt mind doing that so much. hiding away in a dark room, no windows, 1 door, no customers. but they couldnt leave me alone. they kept paging me out to deal with people for the stupidest reasons. it made the job take much longer than it should have. granted it should have been done weeks ago. stupid shit, like some ho-bag wanting to know if theres a difference between 6 foot and 10 foot printer cables. hmm. she should rethink this college thing. or cashiers who never read the ad's we have out. so when customers come up demanding sale prices, they have no clue. i dont even talk now. i just whip out a copy of the ad and slam my finger down on it... no fumbling, no searching, i memorized the ad items, why cant they?

so thats why they lock me away in a storage closet with high-ticket items. i suppose the microsoft shelf of software alone is worth a tidy sum... we had 12 copies of office xp pro.. at $599 a copy.. but never mind the shelves of digital cameras... shit so expensive i cant afford to open the box without someone elses signatures. but it was fun. even when they page me to deal with a hindu guy that cant understand the difference between DVD and CD-R. but it aggrivates me that we deal with a world of idiots, and must cater to them. i cant ever bitch slap someone and laugh because they are an idiot. i just have to smile and politely explain things 9 times to them. even then they dont get it. which is sad. because that means they wont buy a warranty on it. which means i get chewed out. which is sad that it has to come down to that.

but there was a bright spot to my day. some little boy with downs syndrome came up to me and gave me a hug. i stood there talking to his mother about printers, and he just kept hugging away at my leg. she tried to pull him off, but i told her it was ok. and it was. the little guy had a lot of energy, and he was pretty happy to show it off. maybe not all the customers are bad. just most of them.

random shit. i hate latin. it pisses me off. i do like bible class, i got an A back on my paper [done the night before... but i thought about what i was going to do with it off and on for 3 days]; i wish my car had gas in it. seems like its always on less than 1/4 tank; i dont understand why pens have to be pointed, sharp, or mash your fingers when you write with them; i cant understand people that dont speak clear english.... broken english is fine, but heavy accents aggrivate me; i cant ever remember to water my plants- ill end up killing one pretty soon; i wish people would break down and talk to me about whats going on, i feel so helpless about what i know is an issue[s] in their life, and we both know im the one to help them through that, besides ive got alot of things i want to confess to them; i kinda wonder why plastic stuff never caught on much before 15 years ago... especially the plastic pop bottles that wont shatter when i get pissed and toss them- cant say the same for printer/scanner/copiers though; i wish dvd's would come down in price... up the price of the players some, drop the movies... thats all that prevents me from converting now; i wish wed go back to using parallel ports for something... serial too; raincoats arent all that valuable to have, except on a night like this; god bless the man who created liquid bandage [like krazy glue, but with anti-bacterial poo in it]; fuck microsoft for charing so much damned money for a product [like office xp], and giving ZERO discounts on it before the launch of office 2003 on oct 21st; fuck microsoft in general; fuck lexmark more for making pieces of shit; hell... fuck HP for making printers that look like pieces of shit... atleast they work though; kiss my ass college of liberal arts, your attendance policies need some work; they guy that made closed loop, tight woven carpet should show up at my house to help me find shit i drop on the floor; why the hell cant i ever sleep comfortably anymore? when will i stop thinkin about you at night? what do i want for my birthday presents... other than a law school acceptance letter! prop's to turkey for staying tasty longer than its supposed to; major prop's to scheels sporting goods for leaving out knife sharpeners to try, and keeping M1 garand replicas on the shelf to play with; maybe someone special will come along... because after a day of random shit and random thoughts like this; i could really, really use some time alone with someone to reduce the lonlieness.

old habbits reappear... fighting the fear of fear... growing conspiracy... myself is after me... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling... frayed ends of sanity... hear them calling.... hear them calling me.

Current Musical Selection: Gypsie Kings - Escucha Me

well ive now seen El Mariachi. it wasnt bad. i was expecting somethings, let down by others. but its a pretty fair start to the Desperado Trilogy. the only thing that really messed with my mind was the recasting of the main character from El Mariachi in Desperado as Campras, Antonio' Banderas's Machinegun toting friend at the movies climax battle. i even checked the credits to be sure, but it is him. or how about how Bucho and Moco are really the same. after watching El Mar- then Desperado, it kinda of made me mad. that and i dont see how El Mar- can actually findhimself to be in love with the bar wench from El Mar- but NOT with Salma Hayek... my god... id forgotten just how beautiful Hayek really is. [seeing that momentary porno scene in Desperado helped]; but i guess im not really clued in on that. or.... or how there is very little exposition to build between Hayek and Banderas's initial meeting. not at all how id have written or progressed the story... almost seems like its a cop out to make them feel like best friends when theyve never met. El Mar- did it better with the bar wench... guh. i dunno. i suppose im paying too much attention to it all. i was rewatching Desperado for details. so little symbolisims catch my eyes... like the scorpion on Banderas's jacket and the scorpion warning sign in the opening scene. plus... from watching El Mar- first.. the story does NOT progress as clearly into Desperado... almost seems like Desperado was a re-write of the original, plus a few story details held over.

ouch.

so i guessed wrong. yet again. cool girl from work? yep. shes got a boyfriend. i didnt really want to hear many more details about it. just felt generally embarrased about it. spent some time out behind work tonight watching the ducks. we have the airport then lots of greenspace until our property... and in that greenspace is a rentention pond... the ducks like to float around and quack. i sat out there and threw most of a baggie of doritos at them. just the darkness, the ducks and me. i guess i kinda feel dumb for asking... but i shouldnt. and i know that i shouldnt. but thats where i sat, feeling like a retard. watching the ducks huddle up together on the pond. i guess i dont understand why it all looks so easy. why its anything but easy for me. its not true at all that i cant find people. just that.. i guess those are the people that want me the least. so it feels. and i cant really explain that any more plainly that i do. ive always been tought that youre supposed to find this one great person to share your life with. and i watch it happen. and i thought it happened to me. and i watched it fall apart. and i tried. i tried to stop it, i tried harder to change what was going on. i guess to reiterate what i meant. and there i sit alone watching the ducks at night. sometimes i envy the ducks i suppose. ducks dont feel like jackasses for trying not to be lonely. they all just cuddle up together. the ducks dont feel useless for loving someone; sometimes i do. and i shouldnt. i shouldnt feel bad. but its hard to feel much. other than confused and alone. some nights are better than others. sometimes i envy the ducks.

it all means something.


A Lament.


"and so how am i supposed to feel" the first man cried out.

he was answered by a voice from the darkness, from within, yet from around,
' he who feels grief, feels pain. explore your pain, and learn why you grieve. '

"why? why must i torment myself for all of this" he said, as he stretched out his hands. his voice became erratic; "and what do i have to show for it? hmm? for all of this... this turmoil, this blood, this anger, this hostility. what is it i earn? i sought peace like a noble man, i fought for the justness that ought to be, i comfort those that suffer, and i choose to love out of devotion... and what the fuck does all that matter now?" he dropps his hands. "what is it worth? what are these, more than just words? are not my feelings, are not my triumphs valuable to some end? my acts, are they not worthy?"

' he who fears no wrongs, committs many; but dwells on none '

" so i was wrong then? all along, ALL ALONG, ive been wrong to do what ive done? to live the way i live, to fight for what i fight, to hold beliefs in confidence, and to be faithful in my heart to those that i love; that was wrong? '

' he who loves must loose. '

" and its a game? its rigged, its crooked. there is no equity, there is nothing of fairness... because in the end, You... YOU take away everything that is me. all that i have done, all that i will do, all that i know and believe. the things that i wish, the tears that ive shed, the love that ive left. You just take it... and i? i have nothing. now i am cast aside, now i am the undesired; i am that person that i wished to help."

' he that casts away the balast of the soul, will only be weighted by its absence'

" so it is. so it is my friend; it is that i feel heavy. that these matters of gravity and substance are those that provoke the turmoil, that have spoiled the man before you, and left him the wretched husk you see. is it because i took pride? is it because i desired? is that why i must be punished in this way? is that why you torment me; not with pikes and coals; but loathing and emptiness. the truest torture a man must endure is that which he illicits to himself. so then why must it continue? so what is the point? you control me. you lead me. you challenge me. yet you fail me, you chastize me, and you deny me."

' let him be punished in the way that no mortal may bring, let his punishment be mankind herself'

"so to the ends of the earth, am i to be this way? untl the dust of my bones yet again merges with the salt of the earth, i am to be plagued?" he falls. " those that i pleasured before, do they now rejoice for my death? will my death not be contained in their joy, their tears and their celebration, for they which i love... they will wish my doom sooner than they accept me?"

' . . . '

"and so it is. so i am to die. and my death will mark a time of great satisfaction for those around me. the unpleasantries of me, the view of me, all will be ridden from their minds, their very souls kept clean of my shame. and what do i take solace in, knowing my fate? how do i go about this life of pain and shit that You give to me, knowing that only my death... my total absence and impossibility of return, will command favor to those which i love most?"

' thus death is a stage of life, the living must die, and the lifeless live on. let not one man succomb to the desires of death, let him fast of it. yet have him drink earnestly of the life which he is given.'

" that everyone must treat me as a monster, and keep me from them... keep me from being again, a man. reduce me to that which you see with the eyes, and deny what the heart once held. that is Your game? You say be happy with this lot? let them all see me as pittiful, let them all neglect me? that is how you punish the good man... you deny him this duty to do good... then compell him embrace his wretched life? so then what am i for? what is the reason for keeping me around. CAN YOU NOT SHOW YOUR POWER AND KILL ME! slay me in my shoes, and let the blood of this foulest piece spoil the earth on which it congeals. make me the fucking spectacle of your show, show THEM the power You wield, by crushing me. me, a mortal man, that desired the good. death is the reward for it all. but only after my fate far worse than death, torment me, i say, torment me in all Your wrath... leave me the humbled one. let none return the love to me that i let flow to them. i deny that life you give me, if it must be the living death of my soul. this is Your EXTREME power? belittling one man. one mortal. one solitary man. because all is important. and their is no justice to Your actions. you deny the man his right to do good, to love, what more can you withold before he is no longer man, but a monster, filled with the contempt of those around him? what can you do to that monster that is me, that they havent done? and why shouldnt i wish for death?"

' for love is not lust, and truth is not verified. find then, ye mortal, that which eludes you. try as you must, but your days here are numbered, and the journey is much longer than you would live. but it is not the object of your desire, it is not the love you wish to make; it is the pursuit of, the loving for the sake of another, that i wish to be blessed. it is the struggle within that commands my adoration. it is your disavowment of what i show you that i punish'

and the man could only weep. it was sorrow that overcame his self. living did not matter to the man, if it meant living without that life where he could act, where he could do good, and where he could love. and he lie stretched out over the earth, until his tears stained crimson with blood, ceased.