the past few days have gone by pretty fast. scary. i was looking forward to spending more time around the house with my family; but it hasnt happened... why? jobs. m-o-n-e-y. as in the pursuit there of. so i spent this week applying and interviewing all over town. after 4 interviews, 3 job offers [all three were on the spot] i picked one. it wont make me as much as the other at Sears could have potentially made... but ill do it. low stress. no pressure sales really. plus ill get raised fairly often. the hours are normal retail too. cant be that bad. so for now, atleast, im employed again and start monday morning at 8am. fun. there goes any chance of having down time in iowa city. that also means that saturday will be my last day in the QC. ill be moving the last of my crap... (read: heavy stuff) in tomorrow. i suppose i could drive back to dport for the day sunday; but i dunno. id rather spend time getting un packed and finding things in boxes and getting my trademark posters back up on the walls... my room at the apt looks too dull with out GnR plastered all over it. plus ill need to buy groceries and fun stuff like that. eating is a good thing. especially when youre fat like me. but its going to be interesting. some of the butterflies and things are starting to hit me. this is going to be my last year in iowa city; absent a God sent miracle to have me admitted to Iowa's Law program... so its bittersweet. i definitely need out of this town. just driving into it i feel it again in my stomach. i hate the kids, the culture, the attitude the evervescence of alcohol mixed with vomit that is the local town smell on campus. i dont want it. its a gutless, Godless society of helpless children, bent on moral dissolution and chaotic pleasure purges, strung out on mom and dads cash. and i dont fit in. just a few classes left and im out of here. i hope. but the big day is a ways off still. gotta focus on moving crap first. hopefully traffic will be light in the apt parkinglot. the parking sucks. about 9 buildings use one access road thats scarcely wider than a lane... the parking in my lot is attrocious. we park car-fucking end to end... not side to side like the rest of society. oh how Chairman Mao has blessed us this great Republic, with these ideas of parity and balance. you do know Hanoi---- Iowa City fell to THEIR control in the early days of the war. so i sit. in the apt surrounded by rooms of people drinking and partying and the like.. why? because they get to go to school. ignorance is bliss. im out.
Saturday, August 16, 2003
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Current Musical Selection: 2nd Best - Lightning In My Head
two things on my mind... one because of the other...
first and foremost, why cant i sleep? my sleep schedule is so fucked up its not possible to try to sleep during normal hours. i tried tonight. got back up and ended up watching Entertainment Tonight till 3am... went back to bed. after laying there for an hour and a half, im plopped infront of the linbox. ugh. i wish i could sleep normally. its going to kick my ass come this week; when im searching for jobs and moving all of my shit in at school. i figure this will be my last week at home in Dport, only because i need to get a job up and going and earn next month's rent before its too late.
ooooh yeah. theres lightning in my head. and youll never understand.
so the lack of sleep is letting my mind wander. nothing else to do in the dark, when it gets so quiet. so i sit and think. remember how i was starting to make a bitch about marriage and that clock ticking? thinking about it now doesnt make things sound any better to me. yeah im young i guess. but after sitting through 3 weddings this summer, several last... it starts gaining momentum in one's mind. combine that with being scared to read the paper almost, to see who else is engaged or recently married. several classmates are showing up now, and alot of others allready are. i suppose that doesnt mean anything. and in of its self it does. its ironic that the idea of two people meaning something to each other isnt supposed to mean anything to me. but thats how everyone is suggesting i think of it. i suppose i can sit and look to all the wonderful 'winners' of life that have managed to stay single this long. i dont think anyone would want me to make them my idols.
being broken up with makes me feel worthless and rejected, and running into jennifer a couple weeks ago just continued to bring out the feelings of uselessness. really it has nothing to do with how i really see myself, its just that it becomes hard not to get caught up in that sensation. when everyone is passing you by it shouldnt feel good to not feel something. not only am i behind on graduation schedule, but im behind on the marriage/relationship track of where i should be; compared to everyone else. so that all sits on my mind late at night like this. thinking about the next few months of my life, im not seeing much resolution to any of the above thoughts. ofcourse you can always say that i never expected to end up where i did about 6 months ago. i dunno that seems so long ago; its still pretty fresh, but then at times it feels like it was years ago with people i dont even know anymore; even if i was one of them.
truth be told, ive never been happy being single. i hate it. i detest it. ever since i knew what it was like to be in a relationship, ive never wanted to be without one. yet here i am. i want to feel like i matter to someone, that little things that i might do; that are entirely stupid; could mean something; even make someones day. shit like coming home from work; and watching someone smile to see you; that kind of thing matters to me. thats the kind of thing i dont have; and im not expecting to have for a long time. the roommates are cool; but lets face it im not who they enjoy seeing. and now im going to be living in that situation; immersed in people that enjoy each others intimate company; but not mine; worse yet they can do it in a way i can not.
im not sure why it matters to me. but it does i guess. the past couple years have been pretty rough down in a hole. a couple people figured that out by talking to me and reading this space... sorry. its not depression; because i am happy, i have things to do, i have motivations and aspirations, and i live each day. yet its just such a sore subject, that when it comes up it gets to me. so somehow people seem to think that if i just ignore it all; like doing nothing but short of burning out on other activities, ill never notice it and it will just go away. and it doesnt. i came close to burnout this past year. hell im on the verge of it now. all it did was burn me out; all those passions and urges are still there, they never go away. instead ignoring them just lets it rot away into something putrid thats more hurtful when i come back to it. im the kind of person that needs to sit and work through the problem, and its hard to find an angle to work on per say. really its just all about hang ups, past attrocities and the nightmare that is my life in misguided achievement of a lasting relationship. its gnarled. its dark. its twisted. im not whore or anything, but there have been quite a few names when i think about it; and none of them are favorable. they all branch out and form some dark tree that is my history. you cant put sunlight on something like that... it only shows the scars and gaping wounds that exist on each limb.
the pleasantries really just escape me sometimes. ive been sitting and drawing in a book lately. dark images, dark words. i want to sit down and write about happy things; but this is what comes to mind when i try to think on it all. i try to find the good things that were there; and yet i keep venturing farther into the void. sometimes i question why i bother. why i even bother to try and reflect on where ive gone wrong and where they went wrong, and it seems pointless. its seems like each page is only justifying me further to be angry, misguided and lonely. its not feeling sorry for myself, its more of a maturation of discomfort and unrest. its about being angry about what happend when i try to be happy. its about wanting to have happy memories and remembering the fights and the terrible times. its about reliving what people my age just putdown and walk away from. but i go through it all. each time i turn over the next page and look at it blankly. its fresh, its clean, its free from burrs and defects... nothings snared it yet, nothings criticized it, nothings hated it, nothings felt the need to lie about whats on it, it hasnt been shredded and ripped apart by loving hands, it hasnt been taped back together yet to be left in a heap. so sometimes the simplicity of having a clean slate... of having a conscious that wasnt dirty and didnt decide to reside in the realm of reincarnative memories; is something i wish i could have again. maybe i never had one. maybe ive always been the one to feel guilty for everything. maybe im the one thats never felt the need to compromise, and sometimes you gotta pay that bar tab off. everyones got to.
see i ramble alot still. i guess im not sure how im thinking about all of this. i think its pretty common knowledge that i dont; or try not to reread what i write here or edit any of it. sometimes stuff seems to wander then, but the really important stuff stays clear. and here ive been warbling about a subject, hours after i should be sleeping, and i dont even know where im at with what i want to say. that says alot though. i really dont know where im at with what i want. for the first time in a while im starting to feel pressure about things i cant do anything about. i cant dictate when i fall in love, nor who its with. and i damn sure cant do anything about it when it all turns to shit once again. to me, thats somethign thats very difficult to deal with. i run things to the penny. i had a streak at the craftstore of something like 9 weeks where my cash drawer was never off a penny. even through christmas season. i am something of a meticulous creature, yet i take leaps and bounds. i think i even surprised the queen of random; by out doing her at somepoints with it. but in my own special way, its so calculated even my random streaks [to you] seem like straight lines to me. and at times i guess i just surprise myself with where that line leads me. like here. im not sure how i got here, and im even less sure what im talking about. its about clarity. its about understanding pain. and maybe i dont know much about how it works.
maybe that makes my first problem a little easier. i probably cant sleep because i cant figure anything out. or its probably because the ass clowns at work made me do 1st, 2nd, 1st shifts one week then 3rds the next. but my sleep has been somewhat erradic the past year or so. arh did alot to alter that. as did 7:30 am classes. and part of it is myself fighting myself. maybe im growing out of the late night awake pattern and starting to even out to the morning patters. then a few nights like this throw me for a loop. i dunno.
i do know that i still want what i did want. i want a relationship. id like to have a girl that actually wanted to be around me, and more so than just to insult me. or the occasional brain-picker. something that resembles a mutual relationship, staring me and her. maybe ive got issues surrounding my dating past; but that doesnt allow people to bring issues over to me. and i try my damnest to not let that happen. but none of that matters when youre staring blankly at a dark wall at 4am. looking past pictures of you with someone that remind you to smile and be happy, but do nothing more than twist a knife in your heart to see it. that weapon is guilt and its sharpened by knowledge. it sinks in deeply and it bites very sharply... it will cut you deeply and leave you open for whatever to come your way next. and when i think about it thats what happened to me.
after seeing jennifer again... god i think thats twice ive reference her now... it reminded me of alot of the flaws and things that went wrong with me trying to have sustained emotional relations with another human being. importantly, i forgot that they have to enjoy me too. it took me over two years to really remember that. and this time when it knocked me over, i wasnt done looking back at the last time. everything felt right, felt familiar, but new. it was fresh. but it was all undenieably right. thats what bothers me later on now. how right it was, and how wrong it ended. but i have that kind of time now i suppose. all the time that loneliness will afford is mine to dispense. so i sit in the dark and think about things like that. i think about how simple it looks for everyone else. sure, they have a small slip up; a small fight. or maybe its something obvious. maybe he hits you, maybe you cheat on him. whatever it is, it all looks so simple to me. it makes me realize how complicated of a relationship i tried to pull off with someone who cant handle that now. it all looks so simple now, because back with others it was. maybe i didnt pickup on the things as they ocurred then, but they were simple. one was clinically diagnosed, one was addicted to weed, one never wanted to leave her boyfriend, one just wanted her old boyfriend back, and one never liked me. now i think about how hard it is to add one to that list; one that now cant love me. its not as simple as i wanted it to be.
its hard to move on, but i know thats where i need to go. on. away. moving back to iowa city isnt going to do that for me. even moving my stuff in and picking up the keys with jeff, i started feeling panic-y. i see places, i think things and its all back again; when i want so badly to berid of all of it. thats why i moved out of the dorms. honestly, its not going to be cheaper for me... unless you count it out in the long run... my parents refuse to pay a dime of it. so i owe rent, utilities, food, tuition, books, car/gas, bills, phone, and not to mention spending cash: all on my own. when everyone in this town has mom and day pay for everything, im alone on this one. money isnt a good subject to me. i was slowly eroding credit card debts... which for a college student im below the national average... but its going back up. it just will. not to mention the 400 dollar cloud over my head every month; that just gives me a place to live with lights. dont count feeding me. mom laughed at me when i suggest 150 a month on food. she knows me too well. i wont eat out, or fast food or anything expensive like that. but i eat. i guess it works out to less than 5 bucks a day. i know shes right. i hate that too. so on top of that, i get to deal with 30 hours of work a week, or more. that just keeps the hole from getting deeper, it doesnt get me out. the only rope that could do that is this fucking bachelors degree, that likely wont earn me shit- so its a good thing i plan on more school- and thats got me 7 guaranteed classes to go. of which i can get no less than b-'s in. otherwise i wont get credit and i wont graduate. so theres pressure for all of this riding behind any problems i thought i had. but i force a smile. i lie like i know i have to. thats not even counting in my new project; which rapidly bringing stress, so far ive avoided investing cash; all ive used is my own time. all i want is to be happy. to have someone to be happy with/for, and to have a job that i work at that allows me to live in something above poverty. its not alot to ask for, at least i never thought so. but here i am, struggling at that already. struggling to stay happy while breaking by back to stay above bankruptcy, and all i can do is think about wanting someone else to make happy. im better at it than i am at making myself happy i think sometimes. its not true. but i think it.
i guess thats alot going on. i always just tell people that nothings happening with me. its a good lie. its one id like to believe.
two things on my mind... one because of the other...
first and foremost, why cant i sleep? my sleep schedule is so fucked up its not possible to try to sleep during normal hours. i tried tonight. got back up and ended up watching Entertainment Tonight till 3am... went back to bed. after laying there for an hour and a half, im plopped infront of the linbox. ugh. i wish i could sleep normally. its going to kick my ass come this week; when im searching for jobs and moving all of my shit in at school. i figure this will be my last week at home in Dport, only because i need to get a job up and going and earn next month's rent before its too late.
ooooh yeah. theres lightning in my head. and youll never understand.
so the lack of sleep is letting my mind wander. nothing else to do in the dark, when it gets so quiet. so i sit and think. remember how i was starting to make a bitch about marriage and that clock ticking? thinking about it now doesnt make things sound any better to me. yeah im young i guess. but after sitting through 3 weddings this summer, several last... it starts gaining momentum in one's mind. combine that with being scared to read the paper almost, to see who else is engaged or recently married. several classmates are showing up now, and alot of others allready are. i suppose that doesnt mean anything. and in of its self it does. its ironic that the idea of two people meaning something to each other isnt supposed to mean anything to me. but thats how everyone is suggesting i think of it. i suppose i can sit and look to all the wonderful 'winners' of life that have managed to stay single this long. i dont think anyone would want me to make them my idols.
being broken up with makes me feel worthless and rejected, and running into jennifer a couple weeks ago just continued to bring out the feelings of uselessness. really it has nothing to do with how i really see myself, its just that it becomes hard not to get caught up in that sensation. when everyone is passing you by it shouldnt feel good to not feel something. not only am i behind on graduation schedule, but im behind on the marriage/relationship track of where i should be; compared to everyone else. so that all sits on my mind late at night like this. thinking about the next few months of my life, im not seeing much resolution to any of the above thoughts. ofcourse you can always say that i never expected to end up where i did about 6 months ago. i dunno that seems so long ago; its still pretty fresh, but then at times it feels like it was years ago with people i dont even know anymore; even if i was one of them.
truth be told, ive never been happy being single. i hate it. i detest it. ever since i knew what it was like to be in a relationship, ive never wanted to be without one. yet here i am. i want to feel like i matter to someone, that little things that i might do; that are entirely stupid; could mean something; even make someones day. shit like coming home from work; and watching someone smile to see you; that kind of thing matters to me. thats the kind of thing i dont have; and im not expecting to have for a long time. the roommates are cool; but lets face it im not who they enjoy seeing. and now im going to be living in that situation; immersed in people that enjoy each others intimate company; but not mine; worse yet they can do it in a way i can not.
im not sure why it matters to me. but it does i guess. the past couple years have been pretty rough down in a hole. a couple people figured that out by talking to me and reading this space... sorry. its not depression; because i am happy, i have things to do, i have motivations and aspirations, and i live each day. yet its just such a sore subject, that when it comes up it gets to me. so somehow people seem to think that if i just ignore it all; like doing nothing but short of burning out on other activities, ill never notice it and it will just go away. and it doesnt. i came close to burnout this past year. hell im on the verge of it now. all it did was burn me out; all those passions and urges are still there, they never go away. instead ignoring them just lets it rot away into something putrid thats more hurtful when i come back to it. im the kind of person that needs to sit and work through the problem, and its hard to find an angle to work on per say. really its just all about hang ups, past attrocities and the nightmare that is my life in misguided achievement of a lasting relationship. its gnarled. its dark. its twisted. im not whore or anything, but there have been quite a few names when i think about it; and none of them are favorable. they all branch out and form some dark tree that is my history. you cant put sunlight on something like that... it only shows the scars and gaping wounds that exist on each limb.
the pleasantries really just escape me sometimes. ive been sitting and drawing in a book lately. dark images, dark words. i want to sit down and write about happy things; but this is what comes to mind when i try to think on it all. i try to find the good things that were there; and yet i keep venturing farther into the void. sometimes i question why i bother. why i even bother to try and reflect on where ive gone wrong and where they went wrong, and it seems pointless. its seems like each page is only justifying me further to be angry, misguided and lonely. its not feeling sorry for myself, its more of a maturation of discomfort and unrest. its about being angry about what happend when i try to be happy. its about wanting to have happy memories and remembering the fights and the terrible times. its about reliving what people my age just putdown and walk away from. but i go through it all. each time i turn over the next page and look at it blankly. its fresh, its clean, its free from burrs and defects... nothings snared it yet, nothings criticized it, nothings hated it, nothings felt the need to lie about whats on it, it hasnt been shredded and ripped apart by loving hands, it hasnt been taped back together yet to be left in a heap. so sometimes the simplicity of having a clean slate... of having a conscious that wasnt dirty and didnt decide to reside in the realm of reincarnative memories; is something i wish i could have again. maybe i never had one. maybe ive always been the one to feel guilty for everything. maybe im the one thats never felt the need to compromise, and sometimes you gotta pay that bar tab off. everyones got to.
see i ramble alot still. i guess im not sure how im thinking about all of this. i think its pretty common knowledge that i dont; or try not to reread what i write here or edit any of it. sometimes stuff seems to wander then, but the really important stuff stays clear. and here ive been warbling about a subject, hours after i should be sleeping, and i dont even know where im at with what i want to say. that says alot though. i really dont know where im at with what i want. for the first time in a while im starting to feel pressure about things i cant do anything about. i cant dictate when i fall in love, nor who its with. and i damn sure cant do anything about it when it all turns to shit once again. to me, thats somethign thats very difficult to deal with. i run things to the penny. i had a streak at the craftstore of something like 9 weeks where my cash drawer was never off a penny. even through christmas season. i am something of a meticulous creature, yet i take leaps and bounds. i think i even surprised the queen of random; by out doing her at somepoints with it. but in my own special way, its so calculated even my random streaks [to you] seem like straight lines to me. and at times i guess i just surprise myself with where that line leads me. like here. im not sure how i got here, and im even less sure what im talking about. its about clarity. its about understanding pain. and maybe i dont know much about how it works.
maybe that makes my first problem a little easier. i probably cant sleep because i cant figure anything out. or its probably because the ass clowns at work made me do 1st, 2nd, 1st shifts one week then 3rds the next. but my sleep has been somewhat erradic the past year or so. arh did alot to alter that. as did 7:30 am classes. and part of it is myself fighting myself. maybe im growing out of the late night awake pattern and starting to even out to the morning patters. then a few nights like this throw me for a loop. i dunno.
i do know that i still want what i did want. i want a relationship. id like to have a girl that actually wanted to be around me, and more so than just to insult me. or the occasional brain-picker. something that resembles a mutual relationship, staring me and her. maybe ive got issues surrounding my dating past; but that doesnt allow people to bring issues over to me. and i try my damnest to not let that happen. but none of that matters when youre staring blankly at a dark wall at 4am. looking past pictures of you with someone that remind you to smile and be happy, but do nothing more than twist a knife in your heart to see it. that weapon is guilt and its sharpened by knowledge. it sinks in deeply and it bites very sharply... it will cut you deeply and leave you open for whatever to come your way next. and when i think about it thats what happened to me.
after seeing jennifer again... god i think thats twice ive reference her now... it reminded me of alot of the flaws and things that went wrong with me trying to have sustained emotional relations with another human being. importantly, i forgot that they have to enjoy me too. it took me over two years to really remember that. and this time when it knocked me over, i wasnt done looking back at the last time. everything felt right, felt familiar, but new. it was fresh. but it was all undenieably right. thats what bothers me later on now. how right it was, and how wrong it ended. but i have that kind of time now i suppose. all the time that loneliness will afford is mine to dispense. so i sit in the dark and think about things like that. i think about how simple it looks for everyone else. sure, they have a small slip up; a small fight. or maybe its something obvious. maybe he hits you, maybe you cheat on him. whatever it is, it all looks so simple to me. it makes me realize how complicated of a relationship i tried to pull off with someone who cant handle that now. it all looks so simple now, because back with others it was. maybe i didnt pickup on the things as they ocurred then, but they were simple. one was clinically diagnosed, one was addicted to weed, one never wanted to leave her boyfriend, one just wanted her old boyfriend back, and one never liked me. now i think about how hard it is to add one to that list; one that now cant love me. its not as simple as i wanted it to be.
its hard to move on, but i know thats where i need to go. on. away. moving back to iowa city isnt going to do that for me. even moving my stuff in and picking up the keys with jeff, i started feeling panic-y. i see places, i think things and its all back again; when i want so badly to berid of all of it. thats why i moved out of the dorms. honestly, its not going to be cheaper for me... unless you count it out in the long run... my parents refuse to pay a dime of it. so i owe rent, utilities, food, tuition, books, car/gas, bills, phone, and not to mention spending cash: all on my own. when everyone in this town has mom and day pay for everything, im alone on this one. money isnt a good subject to me. i was slowly eroding credit card debts... which for a college student im below the national average... but its going back up. it just will. not to mention the 400 dollar cloud over my head every month; that just gives me a place to live with lights. dont count feeding me. mom laughed at me when i suggest 150 a month on food. she knows me too well. i wont eat out, or fast food or anything expensive like that. but i eat. i guess it works out to less than 5 bucks a day. i know shes right. i hate that too. so on top of that, i get to deal with 30 hours of work a week, or more. that just keeps the hole from getting deeper, it doesnt get me out. the only rope that could do that is this fucking bachelors degree, that likely wont earn me shit- so its a good thing i plan on more school- and thats got me 7 guaranteed classes to go. of which i can get no less than b-'s in. otherwise i wont get credit and i wont graduate. so theres pressure for all of this riding behind any problems i thought i had. but i force a smile. i lie like i know i have to. thats not even counting in my new project; which rapidly bringing stress, so far ive avoided investing cash; all ive used is my own time. all i want is to be happy. to have someone to be happy with/for, and to have a job that i work at that allows me to live in something above poverty. its not alot to ask for, at least i never thought so. but here i am, struggling at that already. struggling to stay happy while breaking by back to stay above bankruptcy, and all i can do is think about wanting someone else to make happy. im better at it than i am at making myself happy i think sometimes. its not true. but i think it.
i guess thats alot going on. i always just tell people that nothings happening with me. its a good lie. its one id like to believe.
Sunday, August 10, 2003
gah. so much going on. cant focus. cant type.
short list.
/project mandrake is up. i now have a p2 running mandrake 9.1 and x window environment sitting on my desk. cool stuff. im learning. slowly.
/my new venture is up and running. ill talk more about it once the trademarking is finalized. its cool. alot of you are going to go; oh geez! but i like it; and right now ive got the support [maybe if not in cash but in solidarity] of a small army. youll see. just wait and see.
/jobs suck ass. im done working for the 'Times for now. im still open-ended for employment, the crew down there likes me, as did the front office. so ill keep the trade routes open; but im moving forward with something else in iowa city. something a bit closer to....... [see next]
/the apartment. its up. ive moved some stuff in. cable connection is up and working. so soon enough ill be living in the people's republic once again. only for a year. im pushing myself on this one.
/relationships. so what, im still strung up? well. im also stone cold single. and hating it. im keeping busy not to notice much of it; but once school sets in i know ill be miserable again; for now tho... just trying to keep afloat.
more shiz coming. just watch.. i promise the cool news is coming up. those that know are sworn to secrecy as of yet. but just wait.
xSCOTTx runing kernel 2.4
short list.
/project mandrake is up. i now have a p2 running mandrake 9.1 and x window environment sitting on my desk. cool stuff. im learning. slowly.
/my new venture is up and running. ill talk more about it once the trademarking is finalized. its cool. alot of you are going to go; oh geez! but i like it; and right now ive got the support [maybe if not in cash but in solidarity] of a small army. youll see. just wait and see.
/jobs suck ass. im done working for the 'Times for now. im still open-ended for employment, the crew down there likes me, as did the front office. so ill keep the trade routes open; but im moving forward with something else in iowa city. something a bit closer to....... [see next]
/the apartment. its up. ive moved some stuff in. cable connection is up and working. so soon enough ill be living in the people's republic once again. only for a year. im pushing myself on this one.
/relationships. so what, im still strung up? well. im also stone cold single. and hating it. im keeping busy not to notice much of it; but once school sets in i know ill be miserable again; for now tho... just trying to keep afloat.
more shiz coming. just watch.. i promise the cool news is coming up. those that know are sworn to secrecy as of yet. but just wait.
xSCOTTx runing kernel 2.4
Monday, August 04, 2003
Current Musical Selection: GnR Use Your Illusion I
lately ive been feeling nostalgic. started off about a week ago, when i had a 4 hour conversation with my old friend Angelo. we were absolute best friends for the longest time; eventually the rigors of high school moved us on different paths. hes doing well and good at the university of nebraska, for those of you that may know him. but we started talking about kids and shit from school; people that are dead now, married, having kids. its all very scary. makes us remember the old days that much more. and they seem so far away at times, but they arent. even though im drawing in on my 5 year class reunion allready, i still dont feel like ive left it by much. but i have. ive traveld a million miles since that time, both physically and emotionally; and thats the difference that it makes. seeing the perspective of change in my own life, but not in the catastrophic variety that my classmates have. but the changes, however less strongly impactive in conversation, are strong and noticeable.
i guess that started off the week. its been rather upside down. ranging from random phone calls with old friends, to seeing my other friends getting married, and two others starting down that path, its hard to say there isnt alot of pressure on what i think about myself. had a long car ride up to iowa city friday to get keys [more later], and i doubt jeff knew nearly as much about me as he now does before we got in that car. good and bad. i didnt tell him what all had happened. just some highlights. but i think from what i expressed he defenitely understands more of my disposition in life. all in all it is pretty difficult to open the paper every week and see classmates and friends engaged, married and having children. alot of times its anything but hard to say i feel like im being left behind. maybe im not. sure, i dont have to be married just because the neighbors are; but theres pressure there. especially after talking to my mom about it today, when i realized she was married at my age; and expecting a child in a years time from mine. that puts the screws to you. again, i guess i dont have to feel like i need to get married or move on; lots of people wait. lots of people also never get married now days; and i dont want to turn out to be one of them. i concede that im lonely, that i waste my time on people when i have them, but what else is there? the pressure comes from inside some days. and i understand how im not an attractive person, but that doesnt somehow disqualify this moving desire to want someone; and especially not when im around everyone who has someone. its not that i hate you all because of it, its because i envy you so much.
durring my weekly slot of zen; [read: mowing the lawn] i found my self questioning what happened in my last relationship. its hard to understand. so i dropped convention and went abstractly, backwards and tried to come up with some utility to as why i was put through it all. i guess i can say that it was what i asked for. reading back through the archives here, youll notice that my one birthday wish was to find a girl that would mean as much to me as i to her. and that did happen. for several months. and then what? thats where the questions started coming into play. i question the motivation for God's granting of my wish to strip it away. its not a question of buyer beware, more of what meaning can someone derive from that? from having the experiences and the close relationship that i do want with someone, and achieving a strong and mutual relationship with them; what do you learn when its gone? and i was focusing on that. its easy to just presume the obvious, that im not meant for a relationship like that. and i suppose thats something thats well supported by my past. i could also conclude that its just a trial run for the future, but thats rather optimistic. and i could say that it never was meant to end, only she or i found a way to end it. its the most difficult to agree with. but from the fantastic perspective its the most desireable because both alternatives leave me with nothing with no reasons, while the last was going to leave me with something. but i still dont know. ive never learned the reasons for our break up, and its difficult for me. its something that nags at me, its something that im reminded of everytime she tries to talk to me as a friend; because i know for some reason, known only to her, she had to stop our relationship. that all comes back to the main idea of getting married...
see the idea of marriage conceptualizes two people melding into one life. taking from both to make one; the blending of them in a relationship thats mutually agreeable, so much so it receives blessings from God's men on earth. so the sanctity of marriage is something quite unlike anything else on earth really; almost all other 'transactions', if you will, fall under one person. this is the only one of the sacraments that requires another person; not only to honor or condone it: but to become part of it. so what? well that ground becomes very unsteady when you place the facts upon it. namely that other person who i trusted with many of those sentiments, doesnt want that from me. at its dark underside, that is the fact of the end of all relationships; they no longer are mutual; they no longer are desireable; they no longer abou the encorporation of 2 people as one, they become the most basic of all: 2 separate entities. infact separate and separation are the words we use to categorize states of marriage adn relationsips. so far be it from me to fuck with the God in the sky and rules on the books when it comes to the natural order of things; but for once; i wish it didnt have to be. this time i lament over the thing that could not be. and the greif is nothing more that personal disatisfaction and anger.
its all very sketchy... but you can see where its heading... i can.
lately ive been feeling nostalgic. started off about a week ago, when i had a 4 hour conversation with my old friend Angelo. we were absolute best friends for the longest time; eventually the rigors of high school moved us on different paths. hes doing well and good at the university of nebraska, for those of you that may know him. but we started talking about kids and shit from school; people that are dead now, married, having kids. its all very scary. makes us remember the old days that much more. and they seem so far away at times, but they arent. even though im drawing in on my 5 year class reunion allready, i still dont feel like ive left it by much. but i have. ive traveld a million miles since that time, both physically and emotionally; and thats the difference that it makes. seeing the perspective of change in my own life, but not in the catastrophic variety that my classmates have. but the changes, however less strongly impactive in conversation, are strong and noticeable.
i guess that started off the week. its been rather upside down. ranging from random phone calls with old friends, to seeing my other friends getting married, and two others starting down that path, its hard to say there isnt alot of pressure on what i think about myself. had a long car ride up to iowa city friday to get keys [more later], and i doubt jeff knew nearly as much about me as he now does before we got in that car. good and bad. i didnt tell him what all had happened. just some highlights. but i think from what i expressed he defenitely understands more of my disposition in life. all in all it is pretty difficult to open the paper every week and see classmates and friends engaged, married and having children. alot of times its anything but hard to say i feel like im being left behind. maybe im not. sure, i dont have to be married just because the neighbors are; but theres pressure there. especially after talking to my mom about it today, when i realized she was married at my age; and expecting a child in a years time from mine. that puts the screws to you. again, i guess i dont have to feel like i need to get married or move on; lots of people wait. lots of people also never get married now days; and i dont want to turn out to be one of them. i concede that im lonely, that i waste my time on people when i have them, but what else is there? the pressure comes from inside some days. and i understand how im not an attractive person, but that doesnt somehow disqualify this moving desire to want someone; and especially not when im around everyone who has someone. its not that i hate you all because of it, its because i envy you so much.
durring my weekly slot of zen; [read: mowing the lawn] i found my self questioning what happened in my last relationship. its hard to understand. so i dropped convention and went abstractly, backwards and tried to come up with some utility to as why i was put through it all. i guess i can say that it was what i asked for. reading back through the archives here, youll notice that my one birthday wish was to find a girl that would mean as much to me as i to her. and that did happen. for several months. and then what? thats where the questions started coming into play. i question the motivation for God's granting of my wish to strip it away. its not a question of buyer beware, more of what meaning can someone derive from that? from having the experiences and the close relationship that i do want with someone, and achieving a strong and mutual relationship with them; what do you learn when its gone? and i was focusing on that. its easy to just presume the obvious, that im not meant for a relationship like that. and i suppose thats something thats well supported by my past. i could also conclude that its just a trial run for the future, but thats rather optimistic. and i could say that it never was meant to end, only she or i found a way to end it. its the most difficult to agree with. but from the fantastic perspective its the most desireable because both alternatives leave me with nothing with no reasons, while the last was going to leave me with something. but i still dont know. ive never learned the reasons for our break up, and its difficult for me. its something that nags at me, its something that im reminded of everytime she tries to talk to me as a friend; because i know for some reason, known only to her, she had to stop our relationship. that all comes back to the main idea of getting married...
see the idea of marriage conceptualizes two people melding into one life. taking from both to make one; the blending of them in a relationship thats mutually agreeable, so much so it receives blessings from God's men on earth. so the sanctity of marriage is something quite unlike anything else on earth really; almost all other 'transactions', if you will, fall under one person. this is the only one of the sacraments that requires another person; not only to honor or condone it: but to become part of it. so what? well that ground becomes very unsteady when you place the facts upon it. namely that other person who i trusted with many of those sentiments, doesnt want that from me. at its dark underside, that is the fact of the end of all relationships; they no longer are mutual; they no longer are desireable; they no longer abou the encorporation of 2 people as one, they become the most basic of all: 2 separate entities. infact separate and separation are the words we use to categorize states of marriage adn relationsips. so far be it from me to fuck with the God in the sky and rules on the books when it comes to the natural order of things; but for once; i wish it didnt have to be. this time i lament over the thing that could not be. and the greif is nothing more that personal disatisfaction and anger.
its all very sketchy... but you can see where its heading... i can.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Current Musical Selection: The Cult - Ashes and Ghosts
although i dont care much for the verses; the bridge and the chorus are awesome...
" ashes and ghosts, are all around me... ---and i dont believe in what youre sayin--- no no no no.... ashes and ghosts fill my heart. --cant cast that spell on me --- ashes and ghosts are all around me. you brought the truth and now your fading... youre fake... youre hollow... "
the first time i heard that phrase several years ago, it haunted me. the rest of the music to the song doesnt quite fit that mood; but Dufy and Asterbury were on to it with that riff. its so true. ashes and ghosts are all around me. means alot. i thought about that song line when i was sitting through Holsteins lectures [he tends to repeat himself] on the hebrew word: sheol which is a spirtual state of post-living where people go to die in the hebrew bible. not like heaven as we conceptualize it to be; but more as state of rest and unrest as a lost soul; where the living can still torment you, and your lasting legacy and good intention serve to give you ease. its complicated. but the conception was never really meant to be heaven; more that there was an explanation given for what happens when we die; and it stress that the ashes and ghosts of our elders are all around us; preserving their memory and acts in service prolong their comfort. it makes me think of my sometimes festering paranoia of others may not be completely without base. instead theres another reason for it.
speaking of words to songs... an embarasing one you will all enjoy im sure. i was stumbling around on a two hour tour of Farm and Fleet the other day [i love that store], and as im at the counter they for once have an attractive girl working. this is a first. really. never have i seen a girl under 30 working there that was pretty like her. she was also probably pretty like 15 pretty. but anyhow. as shes running my check through the register, i hear these god damn lyrics on the radio on the store PA:
you are my fire. the one desire, beleive.. when i say, i want it that way. that we are two worlds apart, cant reach to your heart when you say i want it that way.
i start singing along with it. the darkhaired cuties looks up at me and starts laughing. nothing new. beautiful women often laugh at me or give me disgusted faces. i dont realize until i get to the car why she was laughing.
THAT WAS A BACKSTREET BOYS SONG!
ouch. not only is that embarrasing for a 20something male to be singing along to in public... but with my muddclogged workboots and inkstained work pants and Black Sabbath tshirt on... i had more in common with a biker than a Buttside Boy. yeah. you get your laugh for the day, as promised.
i didnt stick around the parking lot long after that. and NO i didnt not finish singing the song.
although i dont care much for the verses; the bridge and the chorus are awesome...
" ashes and ghosts, are all around me... ---and i dont believe in what youre sayin--- no no no no.... ashes and ghosts fill my heart. --cant cast that spell on me --- ashes and ghosts are all around me. you brought the truth and now your fading... youre fake... youre hollow... "
the first time i heard that phrase several years ago, it haunted me. the rest of the music to the song doesnt quite fit that mood; but Dufy and Asterbury were on to it with that riff. its so true. ashes and ghosts are all around me. means alot. i thought about that song line when i was sitting through Holsteins lectures [he tends to repeat himself] on the hebrew word: sheol which is a spirtual state of post-living where people go to die in the hebrew bible. not like heaven as we conceptualize it to be; but more as state of rest and unrest as a lost soul; where the living can still torment you, and your lasting legacy and good intention serve to give you ease. its complicated. but the conception was never really meant to be heaven; more that there was an explanation given for what happens when we die; and it stress that the ashes and ghosts of our elders are all around us; preserving their memory and acts in service prolong their comfort. it makes me think of my sometimes festering paranoia of others may not be completely without base. instead theres another reason for it.
speaking of words to songs... an embarasing one you will all enjoy im sure. i was stumbling around on a two hour tour of Farm and Fleet the other day [i love that store], and as im at the counter they for once have an attractive girl working. this is a first. really. never have i seen a girl under 30 working there that was pretty like her. she was also probably pretty like 15 pretty. but anyhow. as shes running my check through the register, i hear these god damn lyrics on the radio on the store PA:
you are my fire. the one desire, beleive.. when i say, i want it that way. that we are two worlds apart, cant reach to your heart when you say i want it that way.
i start singing along with it. the darkhaired cuties looks up at me and starts laughing. nothing new. beautiful women often laugh at me or give me disgusted faces. i dont realize until i get to the car why she was laughing.
THAT WAS A BACKSTREET BOYS SONG!
ouch. not only is that embarrasing for a 20something male to be singing along to in public... but with my muddclogged workboots and inkstained work pants and Black Sabbath tshirt on... i had more in common with a biker than a Buttside Boy. yeah. you get your laugh for the day, as promised.
i didnt stick around the parking lot long after that. and NO i didnt not finish singing the song.
Saturday, July 26, 2003
tonight it happend. one of the days i knew would come, but have dreaded for a while. tonight i had to stand up and face my past. i met it, face to face once again, a thousand miles from where i left it.
i thought pizza would be tame enough at 9pm on a friday night. at a godfathers. in dport. close to my house, with a friend. it would be safer to go there, than down to the Bix fest where everyone would be. i was wrong. as we are standing in line picking out what we want [no two men can ever agree on one kind of pizza] i heard a voice i knew. it was quiet and high, and sounded god damn familiar. i stopped, and didnt think much of it. it couldnt be. i kept looking at the menu. then i heard the laugh. and the sigh afterwards. really, this shit cant be happening. it was her. she was here. i didnt have to turn around, because i knew it was her.... i knew i would be looking straight at the face of the girl, who until recently [and maybe not] had caused me the most pain in my life. i nudged J. i told him; 'should i turn and talk to her'... his face dropped slightly when he looked over his shoulder. "dude, i wouldnt". i dont listen well.
****** wake up********
'hello jennifer.'
a very quick--- "hi"
a pause.
"oh my GOD! HOW ARE YOU?????"
******* grab a brush and put up a little make up*******
Jenn had found her way back to davenport. shed found her way back infront of me. she was supposed to be several thousand miles away; wasting away in georgia... pining for me to call her again... atleast thats how i think of it, and her, and how we ended. instead. shes right here. arms open. i dont think so. i dont hug her.
------- i guess ive got alot to say about her, and i really dont. i dont want to say much about it. but i do. Jdogg [or justin as his fiance likes to call him] knows me and her, and was there for me all along. hes been my best friend for the past 5 or 6 years; and sometimes it feels like hes been my only friend through some things. she was one of those things. and i know now, that the biblical god does infact, show mercy upon those that are in his favor. to moses was aaron, to abraham was sarah, and to i, i have my friend. through the desparate times, many we given aid for their disposal. i needed it, then and now.
im speechless. im not sure where to go. i know not to her arms. which she quickly moved back down, and backed a step away. i know i cant go back to her like that, here, like this. not now. not then. i cant. not after all that was said and done. and i dont care if it was years ago. looking at her again brings those memories back fresh.
****** now i cry... NOW ANGELS DESERVE TO DIIIIIIEEEE ********
------- i could say say that the history between she and i was badblood, and be suffice with that. shes a girl thats always been in my mind, that is still in my prayers at night; and for all the hell she caused me and scarring she marred upon my soul; i still wish no evil to come of her. we started out as friends, progressed, and degressed. i fell in love, adn with it i fell out of her favor. it was the first time id ever felt the feeling of love for another. total infatuation and admiration. and it happened to a girl, who in all interests, didnt want it. didnt want me. no different from any other girl, past or present... maybe future... she was no different than any of them; other than i wanted her. really bad, not to be like them. i dont even know what to put into words here to describe us. we started refering to each other as x's; although i guess we werent together. that would mean shed have wanted to be with me... to be a part of me... and that was clearly not the case. i challenge people to dig down and know that feeling. not emulate, commiserate or empithate. but to feel that. to touch your very soul, and to watch it burn. to know that feeling, means you have to know the pain of holding your heart into the flames. it doesnt burn just your heart; your hands, your fingers; your flesh is blackened adn blistered. it bleeds and is baren. what was strong and firm, is now twisted, ruined and forever scarred. that was how much i wanted her. i damn near destroyed myself for a girl that never showed much favor for me. and when she did. when she was a narrow reflection.. misty and fractured... of what i desired and longed her to be... i plunged my hands in to the flames. when the fire would smolder, i thrust in my body to fan the flames. that much. and she took it. and she left. we tried. we failed. i tried. she didnt. i loved. she wouldnt. i wanted. she wanted someone else. and i brutally treked on after her. feelling the sting as i went, but not braking for the pain.
i was trembling so bad i had to bury my hands in my pockets. im sweating. im nervous. im agitated. and i shouldnt be. this is the girl that walked away from my life as i offered it. the girl that i invested time and effort in; and was rewarded 7 fold with laughter, anger and screams of scorn. and i, i was nervous. and its stupid. ive spoken to crowds of hundreds. ive spoken for money. ive given my frank and swear filled opinion to people who earn more in a year than i may ever hope to gross in a life. and im tumbling over saying hello to an ex girlfriend in public. i cant do it. i feel like im 3. like im a retarded bumbling piece of garbage. that i want to run and hide... that i want to stand and watch the cute girl at play time from behind a table leg. that im juvenile. im that nervous because its her again.
------- so it was back and forth. time on, time off. all the while those feelings built in me. falsely i suppose. because for them to be true; would mean nothing could have separated us...nothing could have been more true than for us to have been and to remain together. and there i stand face to face with her again.
"wow, you look soooo different scott..." she stopps and eyes me over as she says it and trails off.
'yeah. i cut my hair, stopped shaving.' i rub my head. i miss my ponytail now.
------ the truth is ive changed alot since her. the obvious physical differences are easy to spot, but make me harder to spot. i used to shave and keep my hair long. i used to be in slightly better shape. i walked differently then. i was more prone to move quickly; more of a bounce to my step. and now, its slower. more cautious. measured. ive changed alot more besides that. but maybe im the only one to notice. maybe im the only one that cares. i stopped being outwardly angry about everything. now i try not to let things openly sway me in opinion, despite how much it aggrivates me. i probably am the only one to notice that now. some people just say ive calmed down. but i guess thats just how people see it. since her i dont allow myself to want like i did. ive slipped once or twice since then. more noteably of recent memory. but its hard sometimes. its hard to keep yourself so dark and unchanging; to deny yourself the simple pleasure of falling in love with someone again. ive changed that since her. because of her. alot of things about me had to change because of her. i kinda went off the deep end after her. i spent time doing alcohol and other things. smoked for a while because of it. but nothing really let me escape it. not the drugs i medicated my self with; nothing changed the feelings of guilt and wanting for something i couldnt have, that i did no wrong. i just wasnt cute. i just wasnt important. i never would be with her. i tried scrubbing my soul clean, and i picked some of the harshest things in life to clean with. i wonder now, why i thought they would ever work? it just prolonged it all for me. i spent a couple years out of my life doing nothing but numbing and prolonging it. i never really stopped to accept her and the changes i needed to go through until i cleaned house and sat it out on my own for a while. who would want to face the truth about what happend... not like that. so i had to change. its something i had to take seriously because if i offered myself to someone and i wasnt even nearly close to being treated as civil; then i couldnt be that wonderful. i couldnt be that great of a person, i couldnt be desireable in my own right, and i couldnt be everything for anyone when i was nothing to no one. that changes you. more so than scissors and razors will let you do.
J couldnt stand it and turned away.
****why have you forsaken me? ******
"you look good guy"
'yeah.... uh. yeah you look great too kid'
and she did. she was tan. more toned up. J always gave me shit because she wasnt huge boobed; she hated it too. but i liked it. she was small, petite, just adoreable. she looked amazing. but different. she had the accent from georgia. it was different. but it fit her. it was cute. it was appealing. it was driving me insanse hearing it. i like it too much. she'd adjusted her make-up practice too. before it was lots of darks on her eye lashes. not so much now. it looked better. she looked a bit older. but not like me. i felt pitiful standing there. im old. i look it. since my hair has gone, i look old around my eyes... i have gray hair in my sideburns, that i have to cut out in the mornings...places like the forehead and corners of my mouth look old now. things i could hide from myself with a youthful look of brashness and played sense of appearant immaturity. it all was left behind on the cutting room floor. im standing there. ugly. fat. older. but wiser?. defintely still heartbroken. and she looks better than she ever had. shes drop dead beautiful. she smiles. her eyes light up when we are talking. shes still coy, and has that flirt to her speeh and manner with me. then in the silence, she hit me with the eye rolls and sticking her tongue between her lips.
----- there were happy times i guess. there are good times. has to be. i cant let my self go on, and claim there werent. sometimes i feel bad. sometimes i feel drug down when i think about her; and i know it would be easier to just invent some happy times. but its not right. i look in her eyes and know not what i see.
*******in your eyes forsaken me.******
"so whats up?" her arms now cross over, shes picked up on my body language...
'not alot, just getting food with J here, arent you supposed to be in georgia?'
"yeah, im back for the summer but i go back on sunday you know...... "
i stopped listening to her answer. i couldnt. i got lost in her again. she was and still is one of the most beautiful girls ive ever had the privilege of knowing. only one other beats her out in my mind, and because what she thinks she may lack in beauty and features she more than makes up for in person and personality... something that is also altogether beautiful and makes me smitten and squeamish around her still. its something jennifer doesnt have. some times id ask myself why i cared about jenn. she was hot. but what else? she had opposite views from me, opposite ideas. and has moved in an opposite direction. shes gorgeous, but what else? what else was there for me. and i hate that she was one of the worst decisions i never made. that i never gave myself a chance to think about it... that i discounted my possiblilty to say NO to jenn, before i allowed myself to think it.
******in your thoughts forsaken me******
"so what are you up to?"
'not much, hanging in there... you know? finishing school up and stuff---'
"yeah, ive got like a year and a half left.'
'why, did you change majors, still PR?'
"yeah, i took time off to work and build residency, it put me behind not being able to do school"
'yeah, i missed some classes, i was a student government president this year at school... so i took time for that'
she lit up. i watched her eyes first, then her mouth.
"WOW. really? god thats cool for you; i knew youd do something like that" and then she smiled.
'yeah... shit i guess...'
im mumbling and stumbling. she never knew me as someone that held office. when we last spoke, id just been elected to my hall board. i never told her. i never had the chance to. probably because she didnt care. back then it was all about her. no matter how inexplicably that i was still in love with this girl, shed never miss a chance to rub it in. telling me about how she screwed so and so on a washing machine at school; how she woke up naked and in someones bed after a party and didnt remember it. how it was all so fun. how she never had money. how she allways managed to pull through and forget about me or others. there never was time for me. i dropped the dime each time to listen to her life. she never wanted mine. why should she? why listen for someone to PAY to retell their life? that was when things started clearing....
*****in your heart forsaken... ******
'so long time no see, we should....' '...'
and like that she isnt paying attention to me. like that i saw her control me again. she turned me off when she wanted, and shut me out because she wanted to. and i kept her hand on the switch... where it was comfortable i suppose.
j and i take our drinks and move down the counter area. i get to the drink station 'mutherfucker, kill me now. dude. kill me. ill hand you my knife, lie and tell people i fucked sarah [his fiance]' --- 'yeah dude, i cant BELIEVE shes here man, that fuckin cunt bitch'
i stopped to look at her as he went to sit down. she didnt pay attention to me. and i stood there like an idiot, watching the train comming at him on the tracks. i saw the trainwreck. and i walked. i looked at her closely. maybe it was the last time id ever do it. maybe, and i dont know why. i felt good about it... about seeing her. all those days where i cried. all the nights i couldnt sleep. the times wed chat. the stories wed tell. the fondness in my heart for her. all the prayers that have left my lips over the years for her. i know that god does hear me. i know now one of the few things ive asked for, has come true. god has infact come through for me on 2 occasions now, when ive asked with my heart that it mattered. he sent me someone to take my heart away with love this year when i asked for it. and he let me see again the girl ill never have, and know that shes safe without me. and i couldnt say anything more than that. i cant write anything more than that. thats the feeling i had.
***** ohhh me..... *****
i followed over to the table, tripping myself once. lost in thought. i sat down,
'dude, should i go back over there and talk to her?' ---"dont fuckin dare"
'come on, i wanna know whats up with her.... if shes still with Ugly Bob[ codename for what broke us apart... her one time fiance]' ---"i dunno man, i was looking for like 4 years, and i didnt see a ring on her"
------- i remember that ring too well. i remember the phone call i got on new years day years ago; from her. we hadnt spoken in months, and she calls me to talk again. and i knew when i heard her voice there was something behind it. eventually it came out; "scott... k--- proposed to me... and i dont know what i feel... you are the first person other than my family to know" i guess i was mad. i guess i could have been happy for her. but i listened instead. it was cold. but i didnt say much at first. the months of separation didnt mean much when you feel like your flung out on the edge again. and it wasnt that i wanted to break it up; but it was that i was concerned for her. later she told me thats why she called. because she knew id give her the right answer. so we talked some about it. and she wasnt comfortable about it. he had went back to georgia, and left her with the ring in iowa; and she was rethinking the tenative yes she had given him. then we decided we should get together and talk. and we did. that last week and change from when she called until i went back to school; we spent alot of time together again.... in person and on the phone. its hard to forget some of those times. fights dissappeared when you think about walking in the park in the light falling snow at night. or about quiet dinners and coffee from an out of the way booth... laughing for hours about everything. about looking at someones eyes and remembering what it was like to be human and feel. so i remember quite well the ring she showed me from him. i thought it was rather chinsey. something like a cracker-jack ring dropped in real gold. cheap gold. prolly 3.4 karat gold. maybe it had the krylon touch. but i remember looking at it, and looking in her eyes, and thinking she deserved better than that. and i dont remember how it came out. but something did. and she looked repressed over something, looked away, and told me she was going to give it back to him because of me. that started off another couple months that ofcourse, ended quite horribly. ended up being the worst valentines day id ever experienced. but thats all for another day....
******* oh trust, in my self righteous suicide.*******
'man.. its like a car accident... you just gotta look... i just got to talk to her about...'
***** i cry. *****
"about what? how shes a cooze-ass bitch ho? how she dont want to see you no more? no. dont"
i didnt know what to do. my hand was shaking. i felt loose inside. nervous. scared. scarred even. and everything was fresh again. i didnt want to be there. i didnt want to see her. and yet i did. i know that since the last time i laid eyes on her 3 years ago; at the restaraunt and the fight, and how she walked away from the car and never looked at me or said goodbye; i knew i wanted to see her again. and now i had the chance. but that didnt help my head from stopping my feet. i couldnt go like i was. i was starting to panic. i hadnt felt that way in a long time. it was embarrasing. almost as much as what i did. i kept looking around the place, i got up to get a refill, and i lost my hands. i found them on my phone, and i had already dialed someone. erin probably doesnt want to talk to me. that didnt make a difference i suppose, and i hit her voice mail.
***** when angels deserve to die. die in my self-righteous suicide. ********
--------- the last phone calls we have with others, tend to be the ones that hang around the worst in our minds. not because what gets said necessarily; but because you never get a chance to explain anything again... never get a chance to expand on or retract things. and its those last words you have to hear in your mind the rest of eternity. my last words to her were not ones i wish to take back however. we tried to talk and be friendly in those last few days before she was leaving. it wasnt working well. too much had come before us to really try to forget and ease into a friendship. she still had alot of hostility and anger towards me, and i tried the best that i could to abandan my baggage; but it wasnt working. the last phone call lasted 40 minutes. we tried talking about fun times and happy things. stupid stuff like shed only be a phonecall away. how she could just call me and it wouldnt be that far. we talked about how we could be friends; but i dont think she meant it. i know now, she didnt. but i did. sort of. i believed in the possibilty for it to happen. i believed that she had the propensity to change and allow us to be friends for once. im wrong sometimes. so we tried talking about new stuff shed see and experience; everything that wasnt related the guy she was leaving to go live with.... college there was an afterthought... something she made up as a storybook plot; that they could be happily ever after together, live together, go to school together, and be married together. happy for the two principle characters. not for anyone else. so we didnt talk about him. and she didnt talk about me. then came the time we knew was comming. she had to hang up. and she told me... "ok.. well im sooo tired now [yawned] and i need to finish packing tomorrow, my flight is in like 50 hours..." 'yeah.' "hey, but look ill call you tomorrow ok? ill give you my address and numbers and stuff, k?" 'yeah.' .... 'jennifer.' "what?" 'dont bother calling me... i know you wont.' and then i hung up on her. like that i pushed myself off. i rolled over after taking a shot at myself like that, and laid down to die. even if she was going to call me; she wouldnt now. but i was confident after several years of her; i knew her well enough; that i wasnt going to get called anytime soon, regardless of what we said to each other for the last time.
when i looked over my back at where she was, i saw her turn and go out the door. she never waived. never yelled. never looked back at me. and thats the way it has to be i suppose. she never will look back at me. why would she? why do i look for her to do that still? thats something i guess only ill ever figure out about her. i cant rely on friends or on knowledge alone to tell me why i do the things that i do. i just have no choice but to make it up as i go along really. i cant make an answer for the questions i cant understand. i cant ever hope to provide clarity to someone that was as transparent as glass from the begining, but that i alone, made mirky with the thoughts and garbage of my own desires. she wont turn around. and i envy that.
*******why cry, when angels deserve to die?******
======================================================
***** System of a Down. "Chop Suey"
try playing the song on loop as you re read this...
i thought pizza would be tame enough at 9pm on a friday night. at a godfathers. in dport. close to my house, with a friend. it would be safer to go there, than down to the Bix fest where everyone would be. i was wrong. as we are standing in line picking out what we want [no two men can ever agree on one kind of pizza] i heard a voice i knew. it was quiet and high, and sounded god damn familiar. i stopped, and didnt think much of it. it couldnt be. i kept looking at the menu. then i heard the laugh. and the sigh afterwards. really, this shit cant be happening. it was her. she was here. i didnt have to turn around, because i knew it was her.... i knew i would be looking straight at the face of the girl, who until recently [and maybe not] had caused me the most pain in my life. i nudged J. i told him; 'should i turn and talk to her'... his face dropped slightly when he looked over his shoulder. "dude, i wouldnt". i dont listen well.
****** wake up********
'hello jennifer.'
a very quick--- "hi"
a pause.
"oh my GOD! HOW ARE YOU?????"
******* grab a brush and put up a little make up*******
Jenn had found her way back to davenport. shed found her way back infront of me. she was supposed to be several thousand miles away; wasting away in georgia... pining for me to call her again... atleast thats how i think of it, and her, and how we ended. instead. shes right here. arms open. i dont think so. i dont hug her.
------- i guess ive got alot to say about her, and i really dont. i dont want to say much about it. but i do. Jdogg [or justin as his fiance likes to call him] knows me and her, and was there for me all along. hes been my best friend for the past 5 or 6 years; and sometimes it feels like hes been my only friend through some things. she was one of those things. and i know now, that the biblical god does infact, show mercy upon those that are in his favor. to moses was aaron, to abraham was sarah, and to i, i have my friend. through the desparate times, many we given aid for their disposal. i needed it, then and now.
im speechless. im not sure where to go. i know not to her arms. which she quickly moved back down, and backed a step away. i know i cant go back to her like that, here, like this. not now. not then. i cant. not after all that was said and done. and i dont care if it was years ago. looking at her again brings those memories back fresh.
****** now i cry... NOW ANGELS DESERVE TO DIIIIIIEEEE ********
------- i could say say that the history between she and i was badblood, and be suffice with that. shes a girl thats always been in my mind, that is still in my prayers at night; and for all the hell she caused me and scarring she marred upon my soul; i still wish no evil to come of her. we started out as friends, progressed, and degressed. i fell in love, adn with it i fell out of her favor. it was the first time id ever felt the feeling of love for another. total infatuation and admiration. and it happened to a girl, who in all interests, didnt want it. didnt want me. no different from any other girl, past or present... maybe future... she was no different than any of them; other than i wanted her. really bad, not to be like them. i dont even know what to put into words here to describe us. we started refering to each other as x's; although i guess we werent together. that would mean shed have wanted to be with me... to be a part of me... and that was clearly not the case. i challenge people to dig down and know that feeling. not emulate, commiserate or empithate. but to feel that. to touch your very soul, and to watch it burn. to know that feeling, means you have to know the pain of holding your heart into the flames. it doesnt burn just your heart; your hands, your fingers; your flesh is blackened adn blistered. it bleeds and is baren. what was strong and firm, is now twisted, ruined and forever scarred. that was how much i wanted her. i damn near destroyed myself for a girl that never showed much favor for me. and when she did. when she was a narrow reflection.. misty and fractured... of what i desired and longed her to be... i plunged my hands in to the flames. when the fire would smolder, i thrust in my body to fan the flames. that much. and she took it. and she left. we tried. we failed. i tried. she didnt. i loved. she wouldnt. i wanted. she wanted someone else. and i brutally treked on after her. feelling the sting as i went, but not braking for the pain.
i was trembling so bad i had to bury my hands in my pockets. im sweating. im nervous. im agitated. and i shouldnt be. this is the girl that walked away from my life as i offered it. the girl that i invested time and effort in; and was rewarded 7 fold with laughter, anger and screams of scorn. and i, i was nervous. and its stupid. ive spoken to crowds of hundreds. ive spoken for money. ive given my frank and swear filled opinion to people who earn more in a year than i may ever hope to gross in a life. and im tumbling over saying hello to an ex girlfriend in public. i cant do it. i feel like im 3. like im a retarded bumbling piece of garbage. that i want to run and hide... that i want to stand and watch the cute girl at play time from behind a table leg. that im juvenile. im that nervous because its her again.
------- so it was back and forth. time on, time off. all the while those feelings built in me. falsely i suppose. because for them to be true; would mean nothing could have separated us...nothing could have been more true than for us to have been and to remain together. and there i stand face to face with her again.
"wow, you look soooo different scott..." she stopps and eyes me over as she says it and trails off.
'yeah. i cut my hair, stopped shaving.' i rub my head. i miss my ponytail now.
------ the truth is ive changed alot since her. the obvious physical differences are easy to spot, but make me harder to spot. i used to shave and keep my hair long. i used to be in slightly better shape. i walked differently then. i was more prone to move quickly; more of a bounce to my step. and now, its slower. more cautious. measured. ive changed alot more besides that. but maybe im the only one to notice. maybe im the only one that cares. i stopped being outwardly angry about everything. now i try not to let things openly sway me in opinion, despite how much it aggrivates me. i probably am the only one to notice that now. some people just say ive calmed down. but i guess thats just how people see it. since her i dont allow myself to want like i did. ive slipped once or twice since then. more noteably of recent memory. but its hard sometimes. its hard to keep yourself so dark and unchanging; to deny yourself the simple pleasure of falling in love with someone again. ive changed that since her. because of her. alot of things about me had to change because of her. i kinda went off the deep end after her. i spent time doing alcohol and other things. smoked for a while because of it. but nothing really let me escape it. not the drugs i medicated my self with; nothing changed the feelings of guilt and wanting for something i couldnt have, that i did no wrong. i just wasnt cute. i just wasnt important. i never would be with her. i tried scrubbing my soul clean, and i picked some of the harshest things in life to clean with. i wonder now, why i thought they would ever work? it just prolonged it all for me. i spent a couple years out of my life doing nothing but numbing and prolonging it. i never really stopped to accept her and the changes i needed to go through until i cleaned house and sat it out on my own for a while. who would want to face the truth about what happend... not like that. so i had to change. its something i had to take seriously because if i offered myself to someone and i wasnt even nearly close to being treated as civil; then i couldnt be that wonderful. i couldnt be that great of a person, i couldnt be desireable in my own right, and i couldnt be everything for anyone when i was nothing to no one. that changes you. more so than scissors and razors will let you do.
J couldnt stand it and turned away.
****why have you forsaken me? ******
"you look good guy"
'yeah.... uh. yeah you look great too kid'
and she did. she was tan. more toned up. J always gave me shit because she wasnt huge boobed; she hated it too. but i liked it. she was small, petite, just adoreable. she looked amazing. but different. she had the accent from georgia. it was different. but it fit her. it was cute. it was appealing. it was driving me insanse hearing it. i like it too much. she'd adjusted her make-up practice too. before it was lots of darks on her eye lashes. not so much now. it looked better. she looked a bit older. but not like me. i felt pitiful standing there. im old. i look it. since my hair has gone, i look old around my eyes... i have gray hair in my sideburns, that i have to cut out in the mornings...places like the forehead and corners of my mouth look old now. things i could hide from myself with a youthful look of brashness and played sense of appearant immaturity. it all was left behind on the cutting room floor. im standing there. ugly. fat. older. but wiser?. defintely still heartbroken. and she looks better than she ever had. shes drop dead beautiful. she smiles. her eyes light up when we are talking. shes still coy, and has that flirt to her speeh and manner with me. then in the silence, she hit me with the eye rolls and sticking her tongue between her lips.
----- there were happy times i guess. there are good times. has to be. i cant let my self go on, and claim there werent. sometimes i feel bad. sometimes i feel drug down when i think about her; and i know it would be easier to just invent some happy times. but its not right. i look in her eyes and know not what i see.
*******in your eyes forsaken me.******
"so whats up?" her arms now cross over, shes picked up on my body language...
'not alot, just getting food with J here, arent you supposed to be in georgia?'
"yeah, im back for the summer but i go back on sunday you know...... "
i stopped listening to her answer. i couldnt. i got lost in her again. she was and still is one of the most beautiful girls ive ever had the privilege of knowing. only one other beats her out in my mind, and because what she thinks she may lack in beauty and features she more than makes up for in person and personality... something that is also altogether beautiful and makes me smitten and squeamish around her still. its something jennifer doesnt have. some times id ask myself why i cared about jenn. she was hot. but what else? she had opposite views from me, opposite ideas. and has moved in an opposite direction. shes gorgeous, but what else? what else was there for me. and i hate that she was one of the worst decisions i never made. that i never gave myself a chance to think about it... that i discounted my possiblilty to say NO to jenn, before i allowed myself to think it.
******in your thoughts forsaken me******
"so what are you up to?"
'not much, hanging in there... you know? finishing school up and stuff---'
"yeah, ive got like a year and a half left.'
'why, did you change majors, still PR?'
"yeah, i took time off to work and build residency, it put me behind not being able to do school"
'yeah, i missed some classes, i was a student government president this year at school... so i took time for that'
she lit up. i watched her eyes first, then her mouth.
"WOW. really? god thats cool for you; i knew youd do something like that" and then she smiled.
'yeah... shit i guess...'
im mumbling and stumbling. she never knew me as someone that held office. when we last spoke, id just been elected to my hall board. i never told her. i never had the chance to. probably because she didnt care. back then it was all about her. no matter how inexplicably that i was still in love with this girl, shed never miss a chance to rub it in. telling me about how she screwed so and so on a washing machine at school; how she woke up naked and in someones bed after a party and didnt remember it. how it was all so fun. how she never had money. how she allways managed to pull through and forget about me or others. there never was time for me. i dropped the dime each time to listen to her life. she never wanted mine. why should she? why listen for someone to PAY to retell their life? that was when things started clearing....
*****in your heart forsaken... ******
'so long time no see, we should....' '...'
and like that she isnt paying attention to me. like that i saw her control me again. she turned me off when she wanted, and shut me out because she wanted to. and i kept her hand on the switch... where it was comfortable i suppose.
j and i take our drinks and move down the counter area. i get to the drink station 'mutherfucker, kill me now. dude. kill me. ill hand you my knife, lie and tell people i fucked sarah [his fiance]' --- 'yeah dude, i cant BELIEVE shes here man, that fuckin cunt bitch'
i stopped to look at her as he went to sit down. she didnt pay attention to me. and i stood there like an idiot, watching the train comming at him on the tracks. i saw the trainwreck. and i walked. i looked at her closely. maybe it was the last time id ever do it. maybe, and i dont know why. i felt good about it... about seeing her. all those days where i cried. all the nights i couldnt sleep. the times wed chat. the stories wed tell. the fondness in my heart for her. all the prayers that have left my lips over the years for her. i know that god does hear me. i know now one of the few things ive asked for, has come true. god has infact come through for me on 2 occasions now, when ive asked with my heart that it mattered. he sent me someone to take my heart away with love this year when i asked for it. and he let me see again the girl ill never have, and know that shes safe without me. and i couldnt say anything more than that. i cant write anything more than that. thats the feeling i had.
***** ohhh me..... *****
i followed over to the table, tripping myself once. lost in thought. i sat down,
'dude, should i go back over there and talk to her?' ---"dont fuckin dare"
'come on, i wanna know whats up with her.... if shes still with Ugly Bob[ codename for what broke us apart... her one time fiance]' ---"i dunno man, i was looking for like 4 years, and i didnt see a ring on her"
------- i remember that ring too well. i remember the phone call i got on new years day years ago; from her. we hadnt spoken in months, and she calls me to talk again. and i knew when i heard her voice there was something behind it. eventually it came out; "scott... k--- proposed to me... and i dont know what i feel... you are the first person other than my family to know" i guess i was mad. i guess i could have been happy for her. but i listened instead. it was cold. but i didnt say much at first. the months of separation didnt mean much when you feel like your flung out on the edge again. and it wasnt that i wanted to break it up; but it was that i was concerned for her. later she told me thats why she called. because she knew id give her the right answer. so we talked some about it. and she wasnt comfortable about it. he had went back to georgia, and left her with the ring in iowa; and she was rethinking the tenative yes she had given him. then we decided we should get together and talk. and we did. that last week and change from when she called until i went back to school; we spent alot of time together again.... in person and on the phone. its hard to forget some of those times. fights dissappeared when you think about walking in the park in the light falling snow at night. or about quiet dinners and coffee from an out of the way booth... laughing for hours about everything. about looking at someones eyes and remembering what it was like to be human and feel. so i remember quite well the ring she showed me from him. i thought it was rather chinsey. something like a cracker-jack ring dropped in real gold. cheap gold. prolly 3.4 karat gold. maybe it had the krylon touch. but i remember looking at it, and looking in her eyes, and thinking she deserved better than that. and i dont remember how it came out. but something did. and she looked repressed over something, looked away, and told me she was going to give it back to him because of me. that started off another couple months that ofcourse, ended quite horribly. ended up being the worst valentines day id ever experienced. but thats all for another day....
******* oh trust, in my self righteous suicide.*******
'man.. its like a car accident... you just gotta look... i just got to talk to her about...'
***** i cry. *****
"about what? how shes a cooze-ass bitch ho? how she dont want to see you no more? no. dont"
i didnt know what to do. my hand was shaking. i felt loose inside. nervous. scared. scarred even. and everything was fresh again. i didnt want to be there. i didnt want to see her. and yet i did. i know that since the last time i laid eyes on her 3 years ago; at the restaraunt and the fight, and how she walked away from the car and never looked at me or said goodbye; i knew i wanted to see her again. and now i had the chance. but that didnt help my head from stopping my feet. i couldnt go like i was. i was starting to panic. i hadnt felt that way in a long time. it was embarrasing. almost as much as what i did. i kept looking around the place, i got up to get a refill, and i lost my hands. i found them on my phone, and i had already dialed someone. erin probably doesnt want to talk to me. that didnt make a difference i suppose, and i hit her voice mail.
***** when angels deserve to die. die in my self-righteous suicide. ********
--------- the last phone calls we have with others, tend to be the ones that hang around the worst in our minds. not because what gets said necessarily; but because you never get a chance to explain anything again... never get a chance to expand on or retract things. and its those last words you have to hear in your mind the rest of eternity. my last words to her were not ones i wish to take back however. we tried to talk and be friendly in those last few days before she was leaving. it wasnt working well. too much had come before us to really try to forget and ease into a friendship. she still had alot of hostility and anger towards me, and i tried the best that i could to abandan my baggage; but it wasnt working. the last phone call lasted 40 minutes. we tried talking about fun times and happy things. stupid stuff like shed only be a phonecall away. how she could just call me and it wouldnt be that far. we talked about how we could be friends; but i dont think she meant it. i know now, she didnt. but i did. sort of. i believed in the possibilty for it to happen. i believed that she had the propensity to change and allow us to be friends for once. im wrong sometimes. so we tried talking about new stuff shed see and experience; everything that wasnt related the guy she was leaving to go live with.... college there was an afterthought... something she made up as a storybook plot; that they could be happily ever after together, live together, go to school together, and be married together. happy for the two principle characters. not for anyone else. so we didnt talk about him. and she didnt talk about me. then came the time we knew was comming. she had to hang up. and she told me... "ok.. well im sooo tired now [yawned] and i need to finish packing tomorrow, my flight is in like 50 hours..." 'yeah.' "hey, but look ill call you tomorrow ok? ill give you my address and numbers and stuff, k?" 'yeah.' .... 'jennifer.' "what?" 'dont bother calling me... i know you wont.' and then i hung up on her. like that i pushed myself off. i rolled over after taking a shot at myself like that, and laid down to die. even if she was going to call me; she wouldnt now. but i was confident after several years of her; i knew her well enough; that i wasnt going to get called anytime soon, regardless of what we said to each other for the last time.
when i looked over my back at where she was, i saw her turn and go out the door. she never waived. never yelled. never looked back at me. and thats the way it has to be i suppose. she never will look back at me. why would she? why do i look for her to do that still? thats something i guess only ill ever figure out about her. i cant rely on friends or on knowledge alone to tell me why i do the things that i do. i just have no choice but to make it up as i go along really. i cant make an answer for the questions i cant understand. i cant ever hope to provide clarity to someone that was as transparent as glass from the begining, but that i alone, made mirky with the thoughts and garbage of my own desires. she wont turn around. and i envy that.
*******why cry, when angels deserve to die?******
======================================================
***** System of a Down. "Chop Suey"
try playing the song on loop as you re read this...
Monday, July 21, 2003
Just One More Anniversary...
Current Musical Selection: Alice In Chains - Down In A Hole
among other things, today is a day of anniversary of sorts. a year ago, at about this same damn location, i pounded out my very first blog entry. exciting. it was also on this day [almost] that the REAL Guns N Roses played their last live concert, nearly 10 years ago... now do you see why i picked the title that i did? probably not.
so a year ago i decided id let people see what i think. i dunno how wrong i was to do that, but im still doing it now. im not sure whats so wrong about it; but i guess it has something to do with what i think about. maybe how i think. maybe that i think. that offends people so well. lets be honest folks, since ive been doing this ive probably lost about 4 friends along the way, due in part, if not in total to this space. im not sure how to react to that when i think about it. i mean, does it say that much about what i write? or does it say that little about the people that take offense to it. again, its not that id ever stop thinking or feeling the way that i do; just that i have internalized it slightly less. and that turns people off. why? see, it doesnt bother people when others come screaming and yelling at them; or when others come blubbering away at their doorstep about something; no, not nearly to the degree that little old me, miles away, in pixels, can seem to offend you. you, who come to my place, uncolicited, and of your own desire to read this space on a continuous nature, are the ones thats are offended. so im most surprised about why the hell some of you come here then? especially if all you do is read it to get mad at me, or use it as ammunition against me. or how about the people that cower in the corners and still read this? perfect strangers dont bother me, its the people that i DO KNOW that sit and read this meticulously as entertainment, that i worry about. ive never been interesting; but over the last year, ive become interesting to some of you. so its alot of mixed emotion involved with observing a date like this.
to take a moment to those that have decided to stop associating yourself wtih me because of this space:
fuck off. really. you arent missed.
to take a moment to those that have decided to continue reading or have started reading this space:
congrads. dunno what else to say, other than i hope you enjoy the ride.
so in the past year, alot of other things have also happened to me. alot. and most of it has appeared in this space. so, for me, there is a definite interest in keeping this space going; if for nothing else, that for my ability to recollect what happened to me in the past. especially as a way for me to remember how i felt in certain situations and at certain times. so ive chosen to continue on with this space. so well see what happens in the year to come... L O T S is going to happen soon. i know it will. keep watching, keep reading, and go down fighting.
xXx
Current Musical Selection: Alice In Chains - Down In A Hole
among other things, today is a day of anniversary of sorts. a year ago, at about this same damn location, i pounded out my very first blog entry. exciting. it was also on this day [almost] that the REAL Guns N Roses played their last live concert, nearly 10 years ago... now do you see why i picked the title that i did? probably not.
so a year ago i decided id let people see what i think. i dunno how wrong i was to do that, but im still doing it now. im not sure whats so wrong about it; but i guess it has something to do with what i think about. maybe how i think. maybe that i think. that offends people so well. lets be honest folks, since ive been doing this ive probably lost about 4 friends along the way, due in part, if not in total to this space. im not sure how to react to that when i think about it. i mean, does it say that much about what i write? or does it say that little about the people that take offense to it. again, its not that id ever stop thinking or feeling the way that i do; just that i have internalized it slightly less. and that turns people off. why? see, it doesnt bother people when others come screaming and yelling at them; or when others come blubbering away at their doorstep about something; no, not nearly to the degree that little old me, miles away, in pixels, can seem to offend you. you, who come to my place, uncolicited, and of your own desire to read this space on a continuous nature, are the ones thats are offended. so im most surprised about why the hell some of you come here then? especially if all you do is read it to get mad at me, or use it as ammunition against me. or how about the people that cower in the corners and still read this? perfect strangers dont bother me, its the people that i DO KNOW that sit and read this meticulously as entertainment, that i worry about. ive never been interesting; but over the last year, ive become interesting to some of you. so its alot of mixed emotion involved with observing a date like this.
to take a moment to those that have decided to stop associating yourself wtih me because of this space:
fuck off. really. you arent missed.
to take a moment to those that have decided to continue reading or have started reading this space:
congrads. dunno what else to say, other than i hope you enjoy the ride.
so in the past year, alot of other things have also happened to me. alot. and most of it has appeared in this space. so, for me, there is a definite interest in keeping this space going; if for nothing else, that for my ability to recollect what happened to me in the past. especially as a way for me to remember how i felt in certain situations and at certain times. so ive chosen to continue on with this space. so well see what happens in the year to come... L O T S is going to happen soon. i know it will. keep watching, keep reading, and go down fighting.
xXx
Saturday, July 19, 2003
Nameless.
Current Musical Selection: Danzig - Belly of the Beast
boredom. tired. work starts in a few hours now that i was bumped to pickup the first shift on saturday, and im not tired. im hoplessley lost in the 2nd/3rd shift realm. bah. such garbage. it would be nice to confine my life to one frame.
sometimes i surprise myself. words are something i dable with. never claimed to be good with them. never claimed to understand them. but ive always tried to use them to convey meaning. something i always knew that i did well, but never came out to state it. after rereading Holstein's book on the Hebrew Bible, some of his arguments over the meanings and interpretations of the text, bring back memories of his class... more importantly, they drag out some things that are pretty good to remember when reading someone's work for meaning... he said that everything has meaning. everything means something. each morsel of information, each word, each syllable has a meaning and an order to it. you cant over look these things. people can write stories about a dog and a flower; but what makes the stories great, are the relationships of unwritten variety between the harmony of the natural state of affairs in the world. things beneath the surface that we struggle to understand. everything has meaning
all that meaning scares me. ive tried to use it. read back a ways to see what you can catch; because i know, that i specifically altered or left phrases the way i did to convey a certain meaning. sometimes the subject is stated; some times its not even obvious. but its there. reading for the unwritten is probably the only way to address half of what i write.
again, this could be a so-what post. this could be one of those times where everyone will run around commenting about how im talking about nothing; or how everything has alterier motives... how they should all take offense now, when they didnt before. maybe its just me confessing and washing my hands in the purity that is disclosure to the source. some of you will likely be amazed, and feel problematic to what ive written over the last year, once you know what to look for. but you wont. only i do. sometimes you might catch the thread that is waifting on the wind; but i doubt that any will ever grasp the hem of the garment that your thread has left. i say this because its been about a year since i... decided... shall we say, to disclose my thoughts to the web. in a few days, ill probably top off the tank with a few more things to round it out. but heres to posterity.
lastly; it is the power of the word that chills me. the speaker and its hidden meaning are something to keep in mind; but none of which is more important that the word its self. its timeliness, its useage, its syntax its character, and its flaws. someone managed to remind me of the power of the word. mine in particular. i was having a converstation with a friend of mine, it strayed to females, and as usual im sure i started talking more than i should about a subject i shouldnt, to an audience that doesnt care. he reminded me of something i told him a long time ago. id forgotten id said it, and it did catch me off guard. im still thinking it over. about how right i was then, and maybe how right it is now. but the word that came from my lips, to someones mind, returned once again. and i still enjoy the irony of them. read them again. enjoy them.
x
Current Musical Selection: Danzig - Belly of the Beast
boredom. tired. work starts in a few hours now that i was bumped to pickup the first shift on saturday, and im not tired. im hoplessley lost in the 2nd/3rd shift realm. bah. such garbage. it would be nice to confine my life to one frame.
sometimes i surprise myself. words are something i dable with. never claimed to be good with them. never claimed to understand them. but ive always tried to use them to convey meaning. something i always knew that i did well, but never came out to state it. after rereading Holstein's book on the Hebrew Bible, some of his arguments over the meanings and interpretations of the text, bring back memories of his class... more importantly, they drag out some things that are pretty good to remember when reading someone's work for meaning... he said that everything has meaning. everything means something. each morsel of information, each word, each syllable has a meaning and an order to it. you cant over look these things. people can write stories about a dog and a flower; but what makes the stories great, are the relationships of unwritten variety between the harmony of the natural state of affairs in the world. things beneath the surface that we struggle to understand. everything has meaning
all that meaning scares me. ive tried to use it. read back a ways to see what you can catch; because i know, that i specifically altered or left phrases the way i did to convey a certain meaning. sometimes the subject is stated; some times its not even obvious. but its there. reading for the unwritten is probably the only way to address half of what i write.
again, this could be a so-what post. this could be one of those times where everyone will run around commenting about how im talking about nothing; or how everything has alterier motives... how they should all take offense now, when they didnt before. maybe its just me confessing and washing my hands in the purity that is disclosure to the source. some of you will likely be amazed, and feel problematic to what ive written over the last year, once you know what to look for. but you wont. only i do. sometimes you might catch the thread that is waifting on the wind; but i doubt that any will ever grasp the hem of the garment that your thread has left. i say this because its been about a year since i... decided... shall we say, to disclose my thoughts to the web. in a few days, ill probably top off the tank with a few more things to round it out. but heres to posterity.
lastly; it is the power of the word that chills me. the speaker and its hidden meaning are something to keep in mind; but none of which is more important that the word its self. its timeliness, its useage, its syntax its character, and its flaws. someone managed to remind me of the power of the word. mine in particular. i was having a converstation with a friend of mine, it strayed to females, and as usual im sure i started talking more than i should about a subject i shouldnt, to an audience that doesnt care. he reminded me of something i told him a long time ago. id forgotten id said it, and it did catch me off guard. im still thinking it over. about how right i was then, and maybe how right it is now. but the word that came from my lips, to someones mind, returned once again. and i still enjoy the irony of them. read them again. enjoy them.
x
Sunday, July 13, 2003
PHOTOS OF THE NEW REGEIME!
yeah, because i love you all, my loyal viewing public... who, as best i cant tell, are still trickling in at over 15 uniques [and steady readers] durring the summer... down from the school year, but you know-- its still flatering. so for all of you; i will break with one of my rules and show you my face... for those that are both BOLD and DARING... pureists dont have to look.. its pictures of the new hairless wonder as someone called me on the phone tonight... enjoy.
pic numero uno
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_091.jpg
e la partena dos
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_093.jpg
x
yeah, because i love you all, my loyal viewing public... who, as best i cant tell, are still trickling in at over 15 uniques [and steady readers] durring the summer... down from the school year, but you know-- its still flatering. so for all of you; i will break with one of my rules and show you my face... for those that are both BOLD and DARING... pureists dont have to look.. its pictures of the new hairless wonder as someone called me on the phone tonight... enjoy.
pic numero uno
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_091.jpg
e la partena dos
or if the link breaks: http://www.geocities.com/scott_r_alvarado/pics/cap_093.jpg
x
Saturday, July 12, 2003
THE END OF AN ERA
today it was over. the final days of his madness have now ceased... the hair is gone. yes. cut off. gone. its really short. on a whim i thought id do it. ive been ranting about wanting to do it for a few months, and people said it was something id have to be ready for. i dont think that had as much to do with it as they thought. but it took a bit of courage. ive had my hair like that since well into highschool. now its gone. today the old era ended. ill write more later today. still trying to get the itchy hairs off my neck and face.
today it was over. the final days of his madness have now ceased... the hair is gone. yes. cut off. gone. its really short. on a whim i thought id do it. ive been ranting about wanting to do it for a few months, and people said it was something id have to be ready for. i dont think that had as much to do with it as they thought. but it took a bit of courage. ive had my hair like that since well into highschool. now its gone. today the old era ended. ill write more later today. still trying to get the itchy hairs off my neck and face.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Peeling Away
gross. i hate peeling. i spent all day in the sun at the rod and custom show in Des Moines with my dad and brother; im paying for it. my mom said its a pretty bad sunburn. grandma even commented on it... and shes having eye surgery soon. . i dunno. it doesnt really hurt. i suppose that could be bad... damaging all the nerve endings and pain receptors. or its good, it just doesnt hurt too much. but now my head is peeling. it itches, and when i touch it, it tends to sting. im expecting the next 3 days to be the most embarassing of it all; when the skin on my scalp and forhead peel and look like i have massive dandruf flakes. goodie. i keep playing with it. i know im supposed to stop poking it. maybe i just think it will stop itching. yeah right.
other than that, i spent the day in iowa city. meetings and such. i thought my job ended a few months ago? nope- they just stop paying me i suppose. its nice seeing some of these people. i lie well. its really aggrivating dealing with them sometimes. theres only so much these people with phD's tend to listen to punk undergrads, and after an hour long meeting in a room; im sure ive used up all my minutes. although im bound to confidentiallity; i can divulge [for those that care] that progress is being made rapidly for the new Director of Residence Services; we've selected down to a small group, about 6 i guess... maybe less.... to bring to campus. but thats as of now. theres a million steps that Affirmative Action Office takes before that happens. 2 people already pulled out of the pool as well. but we do have some good candidates. i was suprised by the quality of a couple. appalled at the quality of a few others. it will be interesting to see where it moves on to in the next few weeks. too bad i miss out on the best part; seeing the end result. im done and gone from the Department in any official sense, and even my name and memory will be ghostly by the time this person takes office. just as well.
also met an EXTREMELY cool person today. Terri in Risk Management Office. i thought she was just a receptionist or clerk; my guess was she wasnt much older than me. damn gina. blonde, blue eyes, gorgeous all over. turns out she is 36. has 2 kids. is married. yeah wow. couldnt have been farther off the mark there, could i? nevertheless; she is very cool. she seems to know damn near everything going on; real open to talking... ended up spending 2.5 hours talking with her for a 10 minute question. turns out shes the Claims person. anytime someone makes a claim of insurance against the university, it pretty much goes through her hands. she had some interesting stories. shes also had an interesting life. hadnt been that into a conversation in a long time. since i met Erin L. really. turns out Terri got married and had kids at 19... didnt work out right, one day got a divorce and decided to go back to college at age 30 something. so she worked fulltime hours 9 to 5, has 2 kids, 2 dogs, a house, and still took college classes. shes pretty amazing. i know people that bitch about school and 10 hours of committment per week... i grumble when the workload hit 30 hours and classes... but ive never had to deal with kids and things like that along with it. total respect in my book for her. kinda funny standing there talking about life to a complete stranger and feeling like the other person understood it all. she did give me some advice, which was also cool of her. felt like advice from mom, but from an older sister or something like that. but, as far as business goes, i got lots of good information for my new pet project. also, the big shit kicker was shes interested in it! that was a feel good thing. she and i have some similar ideas about how to approach this thing at this university and how to remedy some problems. thats about all ill say about the new venture. im keeping it my secret till it gets moving some more, ill have time to do that it looks like; since Student Legal passed me over. i was pretty furious at the moment. still thinking about asking for written reasons why, i cant honestly see people more qualified than i; and i knew everyone in the room interviewing me... only one would have given me a bad rating. yeah. whatever. she can eat asshole. probably still mad about the alcohol discussion pannel that happened in the spring.
iowa city is a strange place. everytime im there i loose track of when it is. [well today was obviously Ho Season, judging by the attire], but i mean i run in to the damndest people all over. Donnice [koosh ball] was in the IMU, so was Piek, Bender, some dude from my Holstein lecture whose name i never learned, on the street i ran into a hall coordinator, a girl from my rhetoric class [yes shes still hot], and a guy from my freshman year floor. scary. worse yet. i saw someone who was an absolute dead ringer for Erin L. i think i would say i know her intimately enough that i would know her or not in a crowd... i swore it was her. she had a total erin outfit on, an erin purse, was on the cell phone constantly, same pink jewel toe ring... i went up and tapped her on the shoulder when she was outside of Subway. she turned around, and it wasnt her. but damn. i was totally fooled. thats scary. if i saw this girl more than 15 paces away, id swear it was her, she looked that much alike. but i felt like a tard when it wasnt her. i think i pissed off the poor girl too. ugly fat men in day light do that i suppose.
aside from that i just had a general feeling of wanting to talk. after starting it up with Terri, i just felt so in the need to sit and talk to someone today... i tried calling a few people. no answers mostly. a certain someone hung up on me, then dumps me to voice mail when i call back. its aggrivating. i dunno. i make myself available for people all the time to talk; and when i want to--- nada. generally no one cares. no one listens. people hang up. truth be told, i miss the kind of conversations i had with someone. hanging around Terri today reminded me of that. relationships arent all about sex and looks; there is infact a big emotional interaction as a part of it. kinda missing that part lately.... kinda bad.
X
gross. i hate peeling. i spent all day in the sun at the rod and custom show in Des Moines with my dad and brother; im paying for it. my mom said its a pretty bad sunburn. grandma even commented on it... and shes having eye surgery soon. . i dunno. it doesnt really hurt. i suppose that could be bad... damaging all the nerve endings and pain receptors. or its good, it just doesnt hurt too much. but now my head is peeling. it itches, and when i touch it, it tends to sting. im expecting the next 3 days to be the most embarassing of it all; when the skin on my scalp and forhead peel and look like i have massive dandruf flakes. goodie. i keep playing with it. i know im supposed to stop poking it. maybe i just think it will stop itching. yeah right.
other than that, i spent the day in iowa city. meetings and such. i thought my job ended a few months ago? nope- they just stop paying me i suppose. its nice seeing some of these people. i lie well. its really aggrivating dealing with them sometimes. theres only so much these people with phD's tend to listen to punk undergrads, and after an hour long meeting in a room; im sure ive used up all my minutes. although im bound to confidentiallity; i can divulge [for those that care] that progress is being made rapidly for the new Director of Residence Services; we've selected down to a small group, about 6 i guess... maybe less.... to bring to campus. but thats as of now. theres a million steps that Affirmative Action Office takes before that happens. 2 people already pulled out of the pool as well. but we do have some good candidates. i was suprised by the quality of a couple. appalled at the quality of a few others. it will be interesting to see where it moves on to in the next few weeks. too bad i miss out on the best part; seeing the end result. im done and gone from the Department in any official sense, and even my name and memory will be ghostly by the time this person takes office. just as well.
also met an EXTREMELY cool person today. Terri in Risk Management Office. i thought she was just a receptionist or clerk; my guess was she wasnt much older than me. damn gina. blonde, blue eyes, gorgeous all over. turns out she is 36. has 2 kids. is married. yeah wow. couldnt have been farther off the mark there, could i? nevertheless; she is very cool. she seems to know damn near everything going on; real open to talking... ended up spending 2.5 hours talking with her for a 10 minute question. turns out shes the Claims person. anytime someone makes a claim of insurance against the university, it pretty much goes through her hands. she had some interesting stories. shes also had an interesting life. hadnt been that into a conversation in a long time. since i met Erin L. really. turns out Terri got married and had kids at 19... didnt work out right, one day got a divorce and decided to go back to college at age 30 something. so she worked fulltime hours 9 to 5, has 2 kids, 2 dogs, a house, and still took college classes. shes pretty amazing. i know people that bitch about school and 10 hours of committment per week... i grumble when the workload hit 30 hours and classes... but ive never had to deal with kids and things like that along with it. total respect in my book for her. kinda funny standing there talking about life to a complete stranger and feeling like the other person understood it all. she did give me some advice, which was also cool of her. felt like advice from mom, but from an older sister or something like that. but, as far as business goes, i got lots of good information for my new pet project. also, the big shit kicker was shes interested in it! that was a feel good thing. she and i have some similar ideas about how to approach this thing at this university and how to remedy some problems. thats about all ill say about the new venture. im keeping it my secret till it gets moving some more, ill have time to do that it looks like; since Student Legal passed me over. i was pretty furious at the moment. still thinking about asking for written reasons why, i cant honestly see people more qualified than i; and i knew everyone in the room interviewing me... only one would have given me a bad rating. yeah. whatever. she can eat asshole. probably still mad about the alcohol discussion pannel that happened in the spring.
iowa city is a strange place. everytime im there i loose track of when it is. [well today was obviously Ho Season, judging by the attire], but i mean i run in to the damndest people all over. Donnice [koosh ball] was in the IMU, so was Piek, Bender, some dude from my Holstein lecture whose name i never learned, on the street i ran into a hall coordinator, a girl from my rhetoric class [yes shes still hot], and a guy from my freshman year floor. scary. worse yet. i saw someone who was an absolute dead ringer for Erin L. i think i would say i know her intimately enough that i would know her or not in a crowd... i swore it was her. she had a total erin outfit on, an erin purse, was on the cell phone constantly, same pink jewel toe ring... i went up and tapped her on the shoulder when she was outside of Subway. she turned around, and it wasnt her. but damn. i was totally fooled. thats scary. if i saw this girl more than 15 paces away, id swear it was her, she looked that much alike. but i felt like a tard when it wasnt her. i think i pissed off the poor girl too. ugly fat men in day light do that i suppose.
aside from that i just had a general feeling of wanting to talk. after starting it up with Terri, i just felt so in the need to sit and talk to someone today... i tried calling a few people. no answers mostly. a certain someone hung up on me, then dumps me to voice mail when i call back. its aggrivating. i dunno. i make myself available for people all the time to talk; and when i want to--- nada. generally no one cares. no one listens. people hang up. truth be told, i miss the kind of conversations i had with someone. hanging around Terri today reminded me of that. relationships arent all about sex and looks; there is infact a big emotional interaction as a part of it. kinda missing that part lately.... kinda bad.
X
Sunday, July 06, 2003
similar to last post, ive been mulling over some of the better voices; oft over looked from the rock/metal world, that people dont make time for in their busy pop and bubble gum shit world. record stores couldnt keep this album on the shelves in the early 80's, now you couldnt push the bullshit rap albums off to make room for it. sad. anyway, Dio shows up on my list. few people in the industry have the set of pipes this man has. hes played with some heavy company in the past [Iommi and co. with Black Sabbath, and was a founding member of Ritchie Blackmores Rainbow], and can still bring it nearly 30 years after getting his break in the music world. for those of you thinking of checking him out... the song below is good one to start with, album wise check out his first 2 with Black Sabbath [Heaven And Hell, and The Mob Rules] {{Dehumanizer, the 3rd album is good for completists}}, and check out Ritchie Blackmores Rainbow [i think thats how it was labeled and marketed on the first 2...] then his best of cd, The Very Beast of Dio, which has all his solo stuff rom 84 to 98ish... excellent stuff.... standout songs--- solo work: Holy Diver, Rainbow In The Dark, Straight Through The Heart Rainbow: Rising, Mistreated [cover of Deep Purple song], Kill The King, Man On Silver Mountain fuckin rawk on! anyway, ill write more later; but check out this song... the riff has been in my head the past couple days, and this song is the sleeper favorite on the Mob Rules album from like 82 or 83... i forget... but the middle choral section seems to be unique to Dio's work, sab' rarely pulled something like that out, Dio makes it a staple in his work. the lyrics are below [even though i detest people that purely post song lyrics as a post], and ARE NOT NECESSARILY AIMED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR! [so consider that before you all get mad at me], just thought id share as i was checking in tonight. i fell in love with a country girl.... da nanananaaa nuh na naaaaa ooooh morning sunshine. ill post more later, time to rock out.
Black Sabbath [version 2.0 with Ronnie James Dio!]
Country Girl from The Mob Rules album
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, holy lightning
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, yeah
We sailed away on a crimson tide, gone forever
Left my heart on the other side, all to break it into bits
Her smile was a winter song, a Sabbath ending
Don't sleep or you'll find me gone, just an image in the air
In dreams I think of you
I don't know what to do with myself
Time has let me down
She brings broken dreams, fallen stars
The endless search for where you are
(Sail on, sail on)
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, unholy lady
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, oh!
Don't sail away on a crimson tide!
Don't leave your heart on the other side!
Her eyes are an endless flame
Desire with a special name
Don't ever fall in love!
Don't give your heart away!
No never, never fall in love with a country girl!
Black Sabbath [version 2.0 with Ronnie James Dio!]
Country Girl from The Mob Rules album
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, holy lightning
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, yeah
We sailed away on a crimson tide, gone forever
Left my heart on the other side, all to break it into bits
Her smile was a winter song, a Sabbath ending
Don't sleep or you'll find me gone, just an image in the air
In dreams I think of you
I don't know what to do with myself
Time has let me down
She brings broken dreams, fallen stars
The endless search for where you are
(Sail on, sail on)
Fell in love with a country girl, morning sunshine
She was up from a nether world, just to bust another soul
Her eyes were an endless flame, unholy lady
Desire with a special name, made to snatch your soul away, oh!
Don't sail away on a crimson tide!
Don't leave your heart on the other side!
Her eyes are an endless flame
Desire with a special name
Don't ever fall in love!
Don't give your heart away!
No never, never fall in love with a country girl!
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Current Musical Selection: Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days
ive been playing lots of Chris Cornell lately... soundgarden, the solo cd, plus audio slave... after flipping through mtv this weekend i saw a special on the greatest voices in the music industry, chris ended up like 15th or something stupidly low... below Ja Rule and Eminem, its a travesty. really. Mr. Rule and Mr. M have no talent when it comes to vocal ability; all they have is the ability to rhyme words with speed and efficiency. sure cornell's lyrics may not make much sense or mean a whole lot; but his voice is memorable, more so than just being the guy that sang Black Hole Sun. Fell on Black Days is a better song to hear him on, The Day I Tried To Live is also a good choice.
---
anyway, im not thrilled with work. only a month left, as everyone keeps reminding me. the hours just arent there really. sure i work like a dog; but only 3 days of the week. we might do a 12 hour shift, and the next day im out in 4 hours. its really pointless. the people are asses. horses asses. either they are totaly incompetent or they are so situated in what they do, they arent worth it. i was told how one guy has 25 years experience about 30494 times today. like i give a shit. hes still folding papers and jamming up machines like the rest of us that have been there 3 weeks. doesnt stop him from getting a lecture in at me either. fuck off man. its paper. its loading a machine with paper. its watching the paper move away. it aint open heart surgery, and its not putting men on the moon. who cares how good you think you are at it; just stop bitching about being here 25 years... because all the rest of us hear is someone who should have found another job; or a ball-gag.
this place must be loosing its shirt on our division. we pay 9 people to work during the shift sometimes, 4 are doing the work. 2 are off somewhere else, 3 are sitting around talking. always the same 3. no one seems to care or do much. doesnt make any sense why everyone else busts hump to get work done and they sit. if theyd throw in, wed be done in half the time. forget it. they wouldnt help. then they are the first ones to go home. the rest of us stay there 11 hours. one guy was right; its damn hard to get fired from that place. even ))))) and this will come out wrong (((((( the handicapped cant get fired from there. in a job that requires you to be alert and attentive [not intelligent or able], this woman/girl? is the worst of them all. shes been there atleast a year... so that means with performance increases, shes topping out over 9 bucks an hour... she jams the machines, walks away sits on the ground and crys. doesnt pay attention to directions, gets in the way. and has a cabbage patch doll she brings with everyday. fuck that. ive got to be doing something wrong. i shouldnt pay attention, show up on time after breaks or stay at my machine; because all these other people can get away without doing it.
what else... has to be something positive. law school stuff is comming in now. thats scary. prospectively in a year's time ill be throwing away 25 grand a year, and 18 hours a day to more school. but atleast then ill never have to take orders from ass clowns for 7 bucks an hour, ever again. law school kind of scares me. it means ill have to leave. u of iowa wont take me. they were rejecting gpas less than 3.64 last year, and this year is supposed to be even more competitive. so the only other place in the state is Drake. id go there, i guess. its not top on the list. so then im looking outside the state, and that is going to be a big change for me. one of the front runners now is looking like University of Akron in Ohio. ohio isnt so far away. closer still is John Marshall in Chicago. id like to go there. but for a few private reasons, im not sure if moving to chicago would be my best choice, things need to pan out first. although thats a terrible way of looking at it. it is MY future that im investing in, and i should look at my options based on others futures. but its in the back of my mind. drake is still an option tho. i love one program they have in legislative law. i could see myself ending up doing something like that. not sure i could afford Drake though. wait and see i suppose.
and like that its fucking july allready. this year is moving by pretty fast. last i knew it was still february and snow was on the ground. seansons change so fast anymore i dont really notice them. sad really. never have much of a chance to look around, its always whats going on infront of me that has to hold my attention, never a chance to put everything else in my sights for once. but this year is moving fast. before i know it, its going to be snowing again i guess. lots of things to come before that happens i hope, but its comming. just as sure as its hot and muggy out, the snow is really only days away in iowa. things are like that. its all relative when time moves so fast. so fast.
x
ive been playing lots of Chris Cornell lately... soundgarden, the solo cd, plus audio slave... after flipping through mtv this weekend i saw a special on the greatest voices in the music industry, chris ended up like 15th or something stupidly low... below Ja Rule and Eminem, its a travesty. really. Mr. Rule and Mr. M have no talent when it comes to vocal ability; all they have is the ability to rhyme words with speed and efficiency. sure cornell's lyrics may not make much sense or mean a whole lot; but his voice is memorable, more so than just being the guy that sang Black Hole Sun. Fell on Black Days is a better song to hear him on, The Day I Tried To Live is also a good choice.
---
anyway, im not thrilled with work. only a month left, as everyone keeps reminding me. the hours just arent there really. sure i work like a dog; but only 3 days of the week. we might do a 12 hour shift, and the next day im out in 4 hours. its really pointless. the people are asses. horses asses. either they are totaly incompetent or they are so situated in what they do, they arent worth it. i was told how one guy has 25 years experience about 30494 times today. like i give a shit. hes still folding papers and jamming up machines like the rest of us that have been there 3 weeks. doesnt stop him from getting a lecture in at me either. fuck off man. its paper. its loading a machine with paper. its watching the paper move away. it aint open heart surgery, and its not putting men on the moon. who cares how good you think you are at it; just stop bitching about being here 25 years... because all the rest of us hear is someone who should have found another job; or a ball-gag.
this place must be loosing its shirt on our division. we pay 9 people to work during the shift sometimes, 4 are doing the work. 2 are off somewhere else, 3 are sitting around talking. always the same 3. no one seems to care or do much. doesnt make any sense why everyone else busts hump to get work done and they sit. if theyd throw in, wed be done in half the time. forget it. they wouldnt help. then they are the first ones to go home. the rest of us stay there 11 hours. one guy was right; its damn hard to get fired from that place. even ))))) and this will come out wrong (((((( the handicapped cant get fired from there. in a job that requires you to be alert and attentive [not intelligent or able], this woman/girl? is the worst of them all. shes been there atleast a year... so that means with performance increases, shes topping out over 9 bucks an hour... she jams the machines, walks away sits on the ground and crys. doesnt pay attention to directions, gets in the way. and has a cabbage patch doll she brings with everyday. fuck that. ive got to be doing something wrong. i shouldnt pay attention, show up on time after breaks or stay at my machine; because all these other people can get away without doing it.
what else... has to be something positive. law school stuff is comming in now. thats scary. prospectively in a year's time ill be throwing away 25 grand a year, and 18 hours a day to more school. but atleast then ill never have to take orders from ass clowns for 7 bucks an hour, ever again. law school kind of scares me. it means ill have to leave. u of iowa wont take me. they were rejecting gpas less than 3.64 last year, and this year is supposed to be even more competitive. so the only other place in the state is Drake. id go there, i guess. its not top on the list. so then im looking outside the state, and that is going to be a big change for me. one of the front runners now is looking like University of Akron in Ohio. ohio isnt so far away. closer still is John Marshall in Chicago. id like to go there. but for a few private reasons, im not sure if moving to chicago would be my best choice, things need to pan out first. although thats a terrible way of looking at it. it is MY future that im investing in, and i should look at my options based on others futures. but its in the back of my mind. drake is still an option tho. i love one program they have in legislative law. i could see myself ending up doing something like that. not sure i could afford Drake though. wait and see i suppose.
and like that its fucking july allready. this year is moving by pretty fast. last i knew it was still february and snow was on the ground. seansons change so fast anymore i dont really notice them. sad really. never have much of a chance to look around, its always whats going on infront of me that has to hold my attention, never a chance to put everything else in my sights for once. but this year is moving fast. before i know it, its going to be snowing again i guess. lots of things to come before that happens i hope, but its comming. just as sure as its hot and muggy out, the snow is really only days away in iowa. things are like that. its all relative when time moves so fast. so fast.
x
Monday, June 30, 2003
Current Musical Selection: [with much embarrasment] Bon Jovi - Blaze of Glory
two things to mention... one shallow... one deep.
shallow.
i learned a new word today. thanks to Playboy Magazine. this word is something that should never be mentioned in anyones vocabulary. it is; "jelqing" or to "jelq"; and it scares me. the context didnt give much meaning what it was, aside from something done to ones penis in order to gain length. i hit the net. then i hit the floor. it involves, as one site puts it "the milking of one's penis" [i thought thats relatively close to what masturbating did?!?!], and has appearantly been performed by African tribes for hundreds of years. so what we must embrace as a diverse method of holistic medicine, we can then mechanize and make money from... thus the jelq-usa.com jelqing maching. or the PJ [personal jelqer] as they call it. honestly, it looks like two rolling pins and a handle. you can guess how it works. real similar to rolling dough for bread, if you ask me. i declined to look at the explanation or testimonial picutres. i was too horified. they state on the website something to the effect of its magical enhancements and ability to stretch ligaments and things hidden in that area. judging by the rolling pin machine, it looks more like you are smashing and breaking down connective tissue and capilaries; reducing the organ to a litteral hefty bag for catching blood during erections. which honestly makes sense, Africa is the world leader in genital mutilation practicies, why should their women have all the 'fun'? so jelqing ladies and jents... dont use the word, since you now know what it entails. but if someone mentions it, buy them flour or confectioner's sugar, or atleast wax paper... so they dont get any dough stuck on the rollers.
on to deeper thoughts.
its funny how you sit and think about people. how you can just materialize a person in your mind and relive thoughts and things that happened along time ago. makes you think they could almost be sititng in the same room with you again, just by someone mentioning their name. and vice versa. its also interesting to me how quickly your mind can start moving when a person is sitting next to you. both happened tonight.
i gave a girl a ride home tonight, and i couldnt remember the last time id really thought about her. makes for funny conversation. im sure i sounded dumber than i usualy do, but i just kept spouting what came to mind. i remember the first time i met her, the first time i heard about her [she was a friend of my friend's friend... got it? 3 degrees away], stupid things that she and i could laugh about. never got into much detail about any of it. it was a short car ride, but it was odd how fast my mind could keep coming up with these things. and its not like this is the first time ive seen her in a while, hell its 3 to 4 times per week; but its just things that trigger your mind, and make that entire process move, that facinate me. kinda funny to mention too that she shares a name with someone else i tend to think about/write about. the first week that the Erin L. was in my life i kept thinking about Erin S. im sure you can see the confusion allready. anyway, it lasted for a couple weeks that way. i hear people talk about erin, i connected it with the right one, but often drifted to think about the other one. they are two totally different people. sure, theres similarities, but its funny nonetheless how the mind makes that skip. and now when i mention a name like erin, im directly speaking about the one i gave a ride home to, and i find myself thinking about the other one. im sure ive got a wire crossed somewhere.
so the other half of the coin, is thinking about people that arent there. on my way home late tonight, i got a phone call from friends wanting me to remember someones name i worked with several years ago. haha. my brain is kinda on shut down for the summer, but i tried. anyway, they mention a name, Jennifer, that stopped me cold in my tracks. they did in fact mean the one i was thinking of. it was an honest mistake, they thought it was the person that it wasnt; but that slip started the gears rolling. then im trying to fill conversation and think, but i cant; because im thinking about her. --- my brother and i joke about a Hardees comercial on tv where a guy recalls a hamburger he ate... his line was... "man, i havent thought about that burger in a long time" and the obvious conclusions is what low-life thinks about the hamburgers theyve eaten.---- so im grinding away in my brain about this girl. the girl who singlehandedly did so much damage to me, without trying, and sometimes with trying; and i just hit with everything. i cant lie and say i never think about her. theres times that i do. but its something that reminds me of what shed have said at one point in time, or of a way a girl would dress that reminds me of her. tonight was different. it hurt. after i hung up the phone i had to pull over and stop the car. i was just remembering too much too fast about her, about us and about me. i wanted it to stop in the worst way. it wasnt at all controlled or dignified.... it was something like throwing out filing cabinets of paper on to a city street from 9 floors up. everything lead to something else and it just kept comming. i have alot of memories from about 2 years of my life. i guess i can say that favorably about her; she did leave an impression on me... a very lasting one. but it started to hurt. its an emotional pain. imagine living through a combat zone, being wounded and having to drag yourself out. you are alive. it hurts. but you made it out. it was slow, painful, but you are out. tonight was like making that trip at 100% faster speed. being ripped open and drug out over the rocks with a ferocity and intensity that numbed me to the very core. thinking thoughts about the person that was thoughtless in her actions to me. it happend so fast i didnt see where i pulled off at. turns out i was in the parking lot of St Ambrose. yards from her old dorm room. years from old wounds. it was so surreal that i could almost imagine her sitting next to me. i could re-hear the argument over the radiostation we had. but it was durring the daytime. i could almost see her sitting there. but shes thousands of miles away. i could remember reaching down and turning off the radio to please her. but it was in a different car. and i can feel her touch on my arm again, when she said she prefers the silence better to me and my music.
the mind is a very powerful thing. im truely in awe of its potentcey even after years of being dormant... wouldnt you be? im too tired; too empty to ramble on. other things happened this weekend as well. be paitent.
two things to mention... one shallow... one deep.
shallow.
i learned a new word today. thanks to Playboy Magazine. this word is something that should never be mentioned in anyones vocabulary. it is; "jelqing" or to "jelq"; and it scares me. the context didnt give much meaning what it was, aside from something done to ones penis in order to gain length. i hit the net. then i hit the floor. it involves, as one site puts it "the milking of one's penis" [i thought thats relatively close to what masturbating did?!?!], and has appearantly been performed by African tribes for hundreds of years. so what we must embrace as a diverse method of holistic medicine, we can then mechanize and make money from... thus the jelq-usa.com jelqing maching. or the PJ [personal jelqer] as they call it. honestly, it looks like two rolling pins and a handle. you can guess how it works. real similar to rolling dough for bread, if you ask me. i declined to look at the explanation or testimonial picutres. i was too horified. they state on the website something to the effect of its magical enhancements and ability to stretch ligaments and things hidden in that area. judging by the rolling pin machine, it looks more like you are smashing and breaking down connective tissue and capilaries; reducing the organ to a litteral hefty bag for catching blood during erections. which honestly makes sense, Africa is the world leader in genital mutilation practicies, why should their women have all the 'fun'? so jelqing ladies and jents... dont use the word, since you now know what it entails. but if someone mentions it, buy them flour or confectioner's sugar, or atleast wax paper... so they dont get any dough stuck on the rollers.
on to deeper thoughts.
its funny how you sit and think about people. how you can just materialize a person in your mind and relive thoughts and things that happened along time ago. makes you think they could almost be sititng in the same room with you again, just by someone mentioning their name. and vice versa. its also interesting to me how quickly your mind can start moving when a person is sitting next to you. both happened tonight.
i gave a girl a ride home tonight, and i couldnt remember the last time id really thought about her. makes for funny conversation. im sure i sounded dumber than i usualy do, but i just kept spouting what came to mind. i remember the first time i met her, the first time i heard about her [she was a friend of my friend's friend... got it? 3 degrees away], stupid things that she and i could laugh about. never got into much detail about any of it. it was a short car ride, but it was odd how fast my mind could keep coming up with these things. and its not like this is the first time ive seen her in a while, hell its 3 to 4 times per week; but its just things that trigger your mind, and make that entire process move, that facinate me. kinda funny to mention too that she shares a name with someone else i tend to think about/write about. the first week that the Erin L. was in my life i kept thinking about Erin S. im sure you can see the confusion allready. anyway, it lasted for a couple weeks that way. i hear people talk about erin, i connected it with the right one, but often drifted to think about the other one. they are two totally different people. sure, theres similarities, but its funny nonetheless how the mind makes that skip. and now when i mention a name like erin, im directly speaking about the one i gave a ride home to, and i find myself thinking about the other one. im sure ive got a wire crossed somewhere.
so the other half of the coin, is thinking about people that arent there. on my way home late tonight, i got a phone call from friends wanting me to remember someones name i worked with several years ago. haha. my brain is kinda on shut down for the summer, but i tried. anyway, they mention a name, Jennifer, that stopped me cold in my tracks. they did in fact mean the one i was thinking of. it was an honest mistake, they thought it was the person that it wasnt; but that slip started the gears rolling. then im trying to fill conversation and think, but i cant; because im thinking about her. --- my brother and i joke about a Hardees comercial on tv where a guy recalls a hamburger he ate... his line was... "man, i havent thought about that burger in a long time" and the obvious conclusions is what low-life thinks about the hamburgers theyve eaten.---- so im grinding away in my brain about this girl. the girl who singlehandedly did so much damage to me, without trying, and sometimes with trying; and i just hit with everything. i cant lie and say i never think about her. theres times that i do. but its something that reminds me of what shed have said at one point in time, or of a way a girl would dress that reminds me of her. tonight was different. it hurt. after i hung up the phone i had to pull over and stop the car. i was just remembering too much too fast about her, about us and about me. i wanted it to stop in the worst way. it wasnt at all controlled or dignified.... it was something like throwing out filing cabinets of paper on to a city street from 9 floors up. everything lead to something else and it just kept comming. i have alot of memories from about 2 years of my life. i guess i can say that favorably about her; she did leave an impression on me... a very lasting one. but it started to hurt. its an emotional pain. imagine living through a combat zone, being wounded and having to drag yourself out. you are alive. it hurts. but you made it out. it was slow, painful, but you are out. tonight was like making that trip at 100% faster speed. being ripped open and drug out over the rocks with a ferocity and intensity that numbed me to the very core. thinking thoughts about the person that was thoughtless in her actions to me. it happend so fast i didnt see where i pulled off at. turns out i was in the parking lot of St Ambrose. yards from her old dorm room. years from old wounds. it was so surreal that i could almost imagine her sitting next to me. i could re-hear the argument over the radiostation we had. but it was durring the daytime. i could almost see her sitting there. but shes thousands of miles away. i could remember reaching down and turning off the radio to please her. but it was in a different car. and i can feel her touch on my arm again, when she said she prefers the silence better to me and my music.
the mind is a very powerful thing. im truely in awe of its potentcey even after years of being dormant... wouldnt you be? im too tired; too empty to ramble on. other things happened this weekend as well. be paitent.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
pat 2
so dreams do that. they scare me. not the idea of dying. but what it all means. how certain people can make their ways into my dreams, always at times when im most unsure of what it all means in reality. then i find myself shaken by what it could mean in a dream state. i know its my minds way of telling me something. but i just dont understand it all. nor do i understand why everything revolves around death for me. really the only dreams i have, or remember having involve death. i dont know if that means im too comfortable with it, or im too freightened of it. but i have to worry about that too. and its all very complex. and very much a hair-grey-er.
im not so angry now. i took a day off to try and compose my thoughts and collect what i felt, in a way that it wasnt anger. but i know its still there. ive had a massive headache all day, at the top of my head. not the kind thats dull or throbs, but the kind thats sharp peircing pain. the kind that nearly brings you to your knees because it hurts so bad. its been off and all day. magically the same day that ive been thinking and trying to deal with all of my anger...
i guess i dont have a reason to be angry. and i do. its more about chains of events that set things in motion that lead me to consequences that make me very angry, when i have to consider the outcomes. thats alot to say. i should just say, that its probably nothing directly. but it adds up. small things to some people are big things to me. violate the entire idea, or paint black over the whole picture for me. things like curteousies on the phone, bother me. when you call to talk to someone, and you get people fucking around with their phone; and the principle party doesnt seem to care... it bothers me. the first time it didnt. the girl was nice and calm; she actually talked with me for a few minutes. that was alright. confusing but allright. then later when random people start talking and passing the phone around; it makes me mad. manners are something that i value. maybe i dont always exhibit them in A+ format, but i try my best in my own little way.
but i had called to talk to a certain someone. ive been thinking about them off and on for the better part of a week. its hard to find things to think about that dont bore you as much as your job, when you are at work. but They do the trick. i can sit and think and think and remember and if i try hard enough; i can stray away from what makes me angry, and stick just to good things to think about. it makes the mindnumbing task of loading 40 pound stacks of paper, seem less mindful. i realized, that this was the first time since everything had happened between us, that ive really stopped to think about her. granted, ive never stopped thinking about her, or let her out of prayers or forgotten about her. just ive never sat and thought about her. and i dont know if thats good or not. but i have been. i thought about what happened, what makes sense, what doesnt; what made me happy, and what doesnt. i think that its fair to say, that after all of that id want to talk to them. ive thought so much about them that i felt stalkerish. i think i deserved a bit of genuine contact. but my work hours dont coincide with hers. by the time im out of work, shes in bed. shes at work by the time i get up. neither of us really have "breaks". god forbid theyd happen with any relative frequency or predictability. so im stuck making calls on my make shift breaks, to get through to her. just to talk. just because i miss her. i miss hearing her. i miss seeing her. i miss her being a part of my life. im really missing her.
and that makes me angry. first it makes me guilty. that i feel that way, and i guess she doesnt. and then it just makes me angry. angry that something that started out feeling so right, was unilaterally reduced to something that just angers me. i never had any choice in what happened. so i cant feel too guilty about it. and i find myself becoming more angry when i know i dont even know what happened. i cant feel guilty, because i dont know what went wrong. im only angry that it did go wrong. that i had no choice in any of it. and im stuck. same feelings. same attitude. same concern. still thinking about someone. and ive got no power or influence for any of it. it angers me.
then i let it go for a while. i know i cant be angry. i cant be angry forever, and i cant stay angry at them. i wish i could. i wish, that i could just be mad and pissed at them for a lifetime, and never want to speak to them... that i could have that kind of self control to never feel motivated to think, let alone act on, anything thoughts about them ever again. but i cant. i cant do that. i'm only fooling myself, by thinking i could. they mean too much to me. to me, they are special, unique, interesting.... all of that. enough so that its not an option for me to ignore. but i know she can. i know she can, i guess, turn it off like a switch, and forget about me for however long. so that, in the end makes me angry as well.
then i guess, overall, im angry because once again i cared. i really wish that was something i didnt have to say. but its the truth. if i do infact find someone, and i do infact start to care, it can only go downhill for me. thats all ive ever known. its ticks me off to think about that. thats why i didnt want to admit to anything happening between me and her. because i knew if i did, something would happen. id like it too much. id get too comfortable. it would have to breakdown. im mad i cant keep anything going like that for myself. im mad that yeah, i found someone cool, and fun, and beautiful, and i wind up in the same hole when its all done. so why bother. thats how i always feel about this time. its makes me mad to be doing it again.
but then again maybe everything isnt so bad. weve started talking again. that doesnt mean much i suppose, but from the way it ended, talking is a good start. i cant say i want to go out with her again or anything, but i cant say i wouldnt want to either. what i can say is i still have the same old feelings for her that i do. and that makes things difficult ive found. its hard to come back with someone, with which youve spent alot of emotional honing with, and to not be able to go right back into that. its hard to know what to say or how to react now. litterally, i dont know what to say. something that before was so natural a way to end a conversation, but still would retain meaning; now she stumbles over, and defaults on. ofcourse i still love her. so ill say it. and she doesnt say it back. thats what i mean. its hard to know how to talk to someone in a way thats not infringing on anything. i hope its a difficult for her, becuase its really hard right now. which is frustrating.
so what else? well for me there is that long standing issue of whats going on. we talk a couple times a week; but what does that mean? does it mean shes that lonely to stoop to me? does it mean she misses me or wants to talk to me? does it mean were friends again, and of what sort? its all very frustrating to think about. its not any easier when i dont have any answers to work with. i could sit and say, follow my head. and my heads pretty clouded now. i can say, oh follow your heart; and thats what got me in this to begin with. and i could say, just follow your gut. my gut says to be leary. i dont want that. i want something to make sense again. its hard.
maybe knowing something would help another thing that runs on my mind. me caring. its a problem. different from above. similar though. coming back into the friends fold with someone, when ive known more than that is hard. i care too much about her. i get defensive when she does things or tells me certain things. and i know i dont have a right to. and i knew it would make her mad when it happened. before i even picked up the phone, i knew id make a snide comment, i knew shed respond negatively to that, and its not where i want to go with her. i want to keep going in a positive direction. i want us to be able to keep building up confidence in each other again. the same old games arent doing that. and its hard to keep that control to know not to say something, because i cant. but its the truth. i do worry about her, what she does, or whats going on. she'll be mad, but might admit, that sometimes i might be the only person in her life that would tell her not to do something that was fun, or that she wanted to do. theres nothing wrong with that. but admitting that sometimes im right for it; is something i know she wont fess up to. that maybe somethings are better not to do. likewise, maybe i should do a little more from what she says. but its hard. its hard being the person thats relying on being in a relationship with her, to start over with her. its hard being hours away, hearing about things and not being able to do anything. god its hard being far enough away i cant see her. something that even plain old friends do from time to time. and its worse for me, because im used to seeing her. im used to spending near days with her. then add a feeling of being less than powerless, because she doesnt have to even listen to anything i say, let alone consider it. its hard on me.
which only gets worse. i know the time is coming that an event will happen thats going to upset me. say she hooks up with some guy. its her life. i guess, she... doesnt owe me much, and doesnt have any rules to follow because of me. but ill be honest. its going to hurt me. im going to feel like ive been cheated on. and i havent been. i guess i need to talk to her about that. but its something thats just a problem waiting to happen. then again; i guess i dont know its not the same for her. i can probably venture to say she doesnt care much now. but she didnt sound happy when i told her i was at another erin's house, at a party with girls. i didnt do anything. all the girls their either were involved [with boys in tow] or just didnt want anything to do with me. and if she felt the way i do, i can see how it could hurt. just the same what i was kind taken back that she had dissappeared with guys and left her phone with a friend, then the guys answer it later. it kinda hurts. fuck that. it does hurt. maybe it shouldnt, and maybe its not supposed to but it does. its frustrating, because i know i still care about her. more so than just as a friend i suppose. to me shes a friend. id like to say a good friend, and some day id like to say my best friend. and i know shes more than that for me. i know my friends dont make me smile like she does, or gets happy if i give presents for no reason. they dont let me give backrubs or shit like that. i know i feel something more than just someone else. she feels different than that to me. and i cant say it. its hard. its trying to find your way in a forrest in the dark. feeling your way in the dark, every inch is through vines and brambles. and, the best case is you might find the way out. right now its hard to be me. its hard to be someone that still cares deep down, but isnt supposed to show it. and i really dont know how to do it.
so dreams do that. they scare me. not the idea of dying. but what it all means. how certain people can make their ways into my dreams, always at times when im most unsure of what it all means in reality. then i find myself shaken by what it could mean in a dream state. i know its my minds way of telling me something. but i just dont understand it all. nor do i understand why everything revolves around death for me. really the only dreams i have, or remember having involve death. i dont know if that means im too comfortable with it, or im too freightened of it. but i have to worry about that too. and its all very complex. and very much a hair-grey-er.
im not so angry now. i took a day off to try and compose my thoughts and collect what i felt, in a way that it wasnt anger. but i know its still there. ive had a massive headache all day, at the top of my head. not the kind thats dull or throbs, but the kind thats sharp peircing pain. the kind that nearly brings you to your knees because it hurts so bad. its been off and all day. magically the same day that ive been thinking and trying to deal with all of my anger...
i guess i dont have a reason to be angry. and i do. its more about chains of events that set things in motion that lead me to consequences that make me very angry, when i have to consider the outcomes. thats alot to say. i should just say, that its probably nothing directly. but it adds up. small things to some people are big things to me. violate the entire idea, or paint black over the whole picture for me. things like curteousies on the phone, bother me. when you call to talk to someone, and you get people fucking around with their phone; and the principle party doesnt seem to care... it bothers me. the first time it didnt. the girl was nice and calm; she actually talked with me for a few minutes. that was alright. confusing but allright. then later when random people start talking and passing the phone around; it makes me mad. manners are something that i value. maybe i dont always exhibit them in A+ format, but i try my best in my own little way.
but i had called to talk to a certain someone. ive been thinking about them off and on for the better part of a week. its hard to find things to think about that dont bore you as much as your job, when you are at work. but They do the trick. i can sit and think and think and remember and if i try hard enough; i can stray away from what makes me angry, and stick just to good things to think about. it makes the mindnumbing task of loading 40 pound stacks of paper, seem less mindful. i realized, that this was the first time since everything had happened between us, that ive really stopped to think about her. granted, ive never stopped thinking about her, or let her out of prayers or forgotten about her. just ive never sat and thought about her. and i dont know if thats good or not. but i have been. i thought about what happened, what makes sense, what doesnt; what made me happy, and what doesnt. i think that its fair to say, that after all of that id want to talk to them. ive thought so much about them that i felt stalkerish. i think i deserved a bit of genuine contact. but my work hours dont coincide with hers. by the time im out of work, shes in bed. shes at work by the time i get up. neither of us really have "breaks". god forbid theyd happen with any relative frequency or predictability. so im stuck making calls on my make shift breaks, to get through to her. just to talk. just because i miss her. i miss hearing her. i miss seeing her. i miss her being a part of my life. im really missing her.
and that makes me angry. first it makes me guilty. that i feel that way, and i guess she doesnt. and then it just makes me angry. angry that something that started out feeling so right, was unilaterally reduced to something that just angers me. i never had any choice in what happened. so i cant feel too guilty about it. and i find myself becoming more angry when i know i dont even know what happened. i cant feel guilty, because i dont know what went wrong. im only angry that it did go wrong. that i had no choice in any of it. and im stuck. same feelings. same attitude. same concern. still thinking about someone. and ive got no power or influence for any of it. it angers me.
then i let it go for a while. i know i cant be angry. i cant be angry forever, and i cant stay angry at them. i wish i could. i wish, that i could just be mad and pissed at them for a lifetime, and never want to speak to them... that i could have that kind of self control to never feel motivated to think, let alone act on, anything thoughts about them ever again. but i cant. i cant do that. i'm only fooling myself, by thinking i could. they mean too much to me. to me, they are special, unique, interesting.... all of that. enough so that its not an option for me to ignore. but i know she can. i know she can, i guess, turn it off like a switch, and forget about me for however long. so that, in the end makes me angry as well.
then i guess, overall, im angry because once again i cared. i really wish that was something i didnt have to say. but its the truth. if i do infact find someone, and i do infact start to care, it can only go downhill for me. thats all ive ever known. its ticks me off to think about that. thats why i didnt want to admit to anything happening between me and her. because i knew if i did, something would happen. id like it too much. id get too comfortable. it would have to breakdown. im mad i cant keep anything going like that for myself. im mad that yeah, i found someone cool, and fun, and beautiful, and i wind up in the same hole when its all done. so why bother. thats how i always feel about this time. its makes me mad to be doing it again.
but then again maybe everything isnt so bad. weve started talking again. that doesnt mean much i suppose, but from the way it ended, talking is a good start. i cant say i want to go out with her again or anything, but i cant say i wouldnt want to either. what i can say is i still have the same old feelings for her that i do. and that makes things difficult ive found. its hard to come back with someone, with which youve spent alot of emotional honing with, and to not be able to go right back into that. its hard to know what to say or how to react now. litterally, i dont know what to say. something that before was so natural a way to end a conversation, but still would retain meaning; now she stumbles over, and defaults on. ofcourse i still love her. so ill say it. and she doesnt say it back. thats what i mean. its hard to know how to talk to someone in a way thats not infringing on anything. i hope its a difficult for her, becuase its really hard right now. which is frustrating.
so what else? well for me there is that long standing issue of whats going on. we talk a couple times a week; but what does that mean? does it mean shes that lonely to stoop to me? does it mean she misses me or wants to talk to me? does it mean were friends again, and of what sort? its all very frustrating to think about. its not any easier when i dont have any answers to work with. i could sit and say, follow my head. and my heads pretty clouded now. i can say, oh follow your heart; and thats what got me in this to begin with. and i could say, just follow your gut. my gut says to be leary. i dont want that. i want something to make sense again. its hard.
maybe knowing something would help another thing that runs on my mind. me caring. its a problem. different from above. similar though. coming back into the friends fold with someone, when ive known more than that is hard. i care too much about her. i get defensive when she does things or tells me certain things. and i know i dont have a right to. and i knew it would make her mad when it happened. before i even picked up the phone, i knew id make a snide comment, i knew shed respond negatively to that, and its not where i want to go with her. i want to keep going in a positive direction. i want us to be able to keep building up confidence in each other again. the same old games arent doing that. and its hard to keep that control to know not to say something, because i cant. but its the truth. i do worry about her, what she does, or whats going on. she'll be mad, but might admit, that sometimes i might be the only person in her life that would tell her not to do something that was fun, or that she wanted to do. theres nothing wrong with that. but admitting that sometimes im right for it; is something i know she wont fess up to. that maybe somethings are better not to do. likewise, maybe i should do a little more from what she says. but its hard. its hard being the person thats relying on being in a relationship with her, to start over with her. its hard being hours away, hearing about things and not being able to do anything. god its hard being far enough away i cant see her. something that even plain old friends do from time to time. and its worse for me, because im used to seeing her. im used to spending near days with her. then add a feeling of being less than powerless, because she doesnt have to even listen to anything i say, let alone consider it. its hard on me.
which only gets worse. i know the time is coming that an event will happen thats going to upset me. say she hooks up with some guy. its her life. i guess, she... doesnt owe me much, and doesnt have any rules to follow because of me. but ill be honest. its going to hurt me. im going to feel like ive been cheated on. and i havent been. i guess i need to talk to her about that. but its something thats just a problem waiting to happen. then again; i guess i dont know its not the same for her. i can probably venture to say she doesnt care much now. but she didnt sound happy when i told her i was at another erin's house, at a party with girls. i didnt do anything. all the girls their either were involved [with boys in tow] or just didnt want anything to do with me. and if she felt the way i do, i can see how it could hurt. just the same what i was kind taken back that she had dissappeared with guys and left her phone with a friend, then the guys answer it later. it kinda hurts. fuck that. it does hurt. maybe it shouldnt, and maybe its not supposed to but it does. its frustrating, because i know i still care about her. more so than just as a friend i suppose. to me shes a friend. id like to say a good friend, and some day id like to say my best friend. and i know shes more than that for me. i know my friends dont make me smile like she does, or gets happy if i give presents for no reason. they dont let me give backrubs or shit like that. i know i feel something more than just someone else. she feels different than that to me. and i cant say it. its hard. its trying to find your way in a forrest in the dark. feeling your way in the dark, every inch is through vines and brambles. and, the best case is you might find the way out. right now its hard to be me. its hard to be someone that still cares deep down, but isnt supposed to show it. and i really dont know how to do it.
Monday, June 23, 2003
no music. just anger. unfettered. unchanned. anger.
this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.
what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?
part one
had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.
im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.
i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.
and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...
this is going to be two posts... i can tell that now. im mad about alot of things right now. im uncomfortable and i dont know how to feel. for me thats not right. part of being me, is knowing how i feel; from the get-go, each and every time; all the time. thats me. thats what its like being me. and when i dont know, ive got a gut reaction. all ive got now is churning in my guts. and im angry. ive got alot playing on in my mind, and i try to keep it all in the background. but i know its going to come out. it did tonight. little bits. made me even more angry that i cant controll how i feel, or atleast i cant check it.
what the fuck do i mean? thats my exact question. thats what angers me. what DO i mean? what do I mean? what do I MEAN?
part one
had a dream last night. anyone that knows me personnally, or has read much of this, knows i have some pretty vivid and powerful dreams. they arent often. and im glad for that.
im on a street. its dark. kind of busy. its a city. run down more or less... but still not ghetto or anything... more like a new york burrough. just its night. its dark. theres neon. but its dark. im walking down this sidewalk. dark buildings and store fronts. and im walking. im not looking around, but im seeing everything around me.. you know? its weird. its not in focus... i try to look, but its fuzzy. except one spot. its an alley way about 20 feet infront of me. its perfectly clear. i hear a girl screaming. i see a car back out partway. shes yelling for help, and i hear scuffling. i jog down to the corner, and look. i see her. dark hair, short skirt. shimmery material. up against a wall. two big guys trying to rape her. i yell something. one stops. tells me to fuck off. the other doenst even notice. i can see her eyes. her face. thats all i see. shes scared. shes frantic. she needs help. shes looking to me, and the look is like "you are my only hope". i say something else and go down the alley. stupid. its dark. only the light from the street pours in. one hits her in the face, and they drop her. and he kicks her. she doesnt move. shes limp. shes crumpled. the one goes to the car, and from the open back door comes out with a gun. something black. something big. it shines, but it doesnt reflect the light. it just draws your eyes to it. i watch it. i see it. he shoots it. three shots. four shots. i dont know. but im on the ground. i just hit it that fast. it hurts. its like a big kettle of boiling water is sitting on my stomach, burning away. through the tears, i see them pick her up and shove her in the car. one comes over and hits me in the face with the gun. it hurts so bad i cant move. i cant groan. the blood is in my eyes. i dont see them kick me, but i feel it. then they get in, and speed away, tires squealing.
i can remember how quiet it was. there is a normal din of activity. but its quiet. like in a forrest, when the animals know you are there. its deathly quiet. it scared me. it scared me more, when i reached down to feel myself, and i wasnt there. just a warm, wet hole where my stomach should have been. it hurt. all i could do was moan and gasp, wrapping my arms around myself to hold me together. mentally and physically. blood was everywhere... my head was wet, and it was fast pooling under me, and on my side i could see it running down the alleyway to the street. the street was where i needed to get to. i tried curling up and inching on my side. but the muscles werent there. it had just been blown out of me. and i was stuggling to breathe. my head started spinning. but my body just lay there. maybe 4 feet into the alley way. i could hear traffic. it was light. and far away. and voices. and a familiar one. a female voice. i heard her voice, and watched my blood run down across the sidewalk. dark and rich. it numbed me down. watching it run out of me. each beat of my heart felt less and less pain, as it all pumped away, draining past the filth on the street into the gutters. i hear her again. i moan. i couldnt make noise. just loud rasps, wet from the blood on my lips and mouth. and i hear her foot steps. they echo. i hear her talking. then i see her. feet first. spinning around. i look up, and shes standing there. one foot in my blood, looking agahst. she turns and looks right at me. her shadow goes beyond me. i saw her face drop. she recognized me. i looked at her. her face was pale. eyes open in wonder and shock. mouth wavering. she covers it with one hand, to hold back the vommit. then kicks her foot out, spraying a warm sticky shower over my face adn chest, of my own blood. then walks on down the street. never looking back. leaving a drizzly trail behind her. and im just left staring out at the street, feeling the pain, then feeling it go away. until i cant feel it. until i cant move. until im just empty, staring out at the world. alone. and dead.
and i dont know what to say. im angry. im shocked. i feel alone. and i dont know what to make of it. but the real anger is hidden still...
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
sorry.
sorry for being the cock-block people. i dont intend to be. im just naturally the third wheel i suppose. just about everywhere ive been in the past month, has lead me into the same predicament. obviously its just safer to assume no one wants me around if there is someone else. but i suppose thats how i got to be on my own again, isnt it?
that was low. a low shot at me. i guess i exagerate my guilt more so than i should about things. but i remember what its like. people can stop looking at me like i dont. yeah. i do remember what its like to come home to someone at night. i might be heartless to you all, but i can remember feeling welcomed by someone else. but what gets me more is why i never realize it at the time. like right now i realize how much i miss having someone around; but a couple months ago something came up that i didnt want to go home to. i dont even remember what happened. it was some kind of fight over something stupid im sure. so i went for a massive walk. id guess the 8 to 10 mile range; i was out for about 4 hours doing nothing but walking. phone was off. even stayed away from major roads and lights when i could. just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. i wanted to stay away from home, where i knew shed be at. by the time i walked back, i saw my light on through the window. i knew i didnt want to go in. so i sat down for a bit. then i got up and walked for another 40 minutes before i could go in. i kept her waiting that long. when i got upstairs, id seen shed fallen asleep with the lights on, laying on the couch waiting for me to come home. thats when i realized i should have come straight home. and im kicking myself for things like that even now. now when it doesnt matter; i suppose; what happened when. just that it matters to me that i wasted something with someone i shouldnt have. and i regret it now. now when i always leave by myself with the feeling of intruding on people and their time together. like its pennance for me not respecting it when i had it.
its funny how we let the ghosts of our past haunt our future. like how i can be terrified by something that happened years ago, that was stupid then, but ill still let it scare me now. dumb things like that keep me up at night.
again, Axl Rose says it all...
All the love in the world couldn't save you
All the innocence inside
You know I tried so hard to make you
To make you change your mind
And it hurts too much to see you
And how you left yourself behind
You know I didn't want to meet you
Now there's a hell I can't describe
So now I wander through my day
Trying to find my way
Still these feelings that I felt
I said to you and no one else
And no it's never going to change
I know it's gone, but still I'm used
And that's nice to hang on someone
A change that's bittersweet
That's called the blues
Current Musical Selection: Cryin Sam Collins - Riverside Blues
[its more southeastern black blues from the 1920's that youve never heard of... so stop wondering]
did anyone take up my high-spirited challenge? i did. thursday night i went out and served dinner at the homeless shelter here in dport. ive done it before, in fact i did it all through high school. it bothers some people to do it, but its never stopped me from doing it. yes, its sad to see it. but its also making alot of people happy to have a meal that day. im not going green here. but theres just no reason people cant come out and do this once in a while. members of my church dont like doing it. its too low class for them. theyd rather cut a check for 3 digits each sunday, than come out and pour milk and scoop ham and potatoes once every three months. its terrible. that people find it too good for themself to do something. so i hope you all did something. you dont have to sit down and have a prayer with them, but i did. dont have to look at them more than you have to. dont even have to pull out a chair and seat the ladies like i did. just help put fresh plates in their hands, or clean up tables afterwards. it helps. each little bit helps.
it was kind of interesting for me. i guess im not sure how much faith i really have. im not anti god. i know im fortunate for what i have. but i wasnt quite sure what to feel when i do this. sometimes the people expect you to be snooty. they arent real sure how to respond when you sit down at the table with them. i didnt want money, praise, or anything else like that. dont know what i wanted out of it. one man smiled. two or three wouldnt look at me. i got antsy, and leaned against a pillar at the edge of a table, and two people sat down beside me then, plates in hand. they had followed me across the room when they saw i was going to sit down. the man asked me if i was from the church group, or i just came to help. i told him a bit of both. he nodded. the couple sat for a minute, and didnt eat anything. it was hard in the silence, because i didnt know what to do. one broke the silence and asked me to say the prayer, since they didnt go to church. i told them i was out of practice. they looked down. didnt know what else to say. i hated being gutless. so i said it: but couldnt we all practice a bit more? and i smiled. then i said the prayer for them.
its something thats kind of hard to tell people. its something you are proud to say you did, that you helped some people for once, but alot of people dont want to hear about it. they think its an ego trip for yourself... or youre reaching for comments, or something like that. so i havent really mentioned it to anyone. just my dad. he was scooping ham and potatoes in the other room. i wanted to say i was proud, and bewildered in myself for doing it. but i dont know why. it wasnt anything anyone else couldnt have done. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a step forward to much. it didnt solve the problems these people faced. but it made two people feel normal again, even if it was just until we opened our eyes. normal people saying a normal prayer before they eat dinner, just like anyone else would on a thursday night. when we opened our eyes, one person had a place to go after that meal. two didnt.
so yeah. thats hard to recount over the phone. or in person to a friend, for that matter. its hard to say how you felt, when you dont know what you felt. people talked to me, in the past few days about: smoking up, racing cars, getting paid, what its like being married... and they all made it the big story, or high priority to tell me. like... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???? but i withheld my story from thursday. i dont know why. i guess its not something, to me, thats supposed to be broadcast around--- NOT that i dont enjoy doing it, or wouldnt do it again in an instant... but the fact that maybe you shouldnt walk around bragging about what you do for people. just let it come up when it does. i dunno. i dont know much, i know that.
[its more southeastern black blues from the 1920's that youve never heard of... so stop wondering]
did anyone take up my high-spirited challenge? i did. thursday night i went out and served dinner at the homeless shelter here in dport. ive done it before, in fact i did it all through high school. it bothers some people to do it, but its never stopped me from doing it. yes, its sad to see it. but its also making alot of people happy to have a meal that day. im not going green here. but theres just no reason people cant come out and do this once in a while. members of my church dont like doing it. its too low class for them. theyd rather cut a check for 3 digits each sunday, than come out and pour milk and scoop ham and potatoes once every three months. its terrible. that people find it too good for themself to do something. so i hope you all did something. you dont have to sit down and have a prayer with them, but i did. dont have to look at them more than you have to. dont even have to pull out a chair and seat the ladies like i did. just help put fresh plates in their hands, or clean up tables afterwards. it helps. each little bit helps.
it was kind of interesting for me. i guess im not sure how much faith i really have. im not anti god. i know im fortunate for what i have. but i wasnt quite sure what to feel when i do this. sometimes the people expect you to be snooty. they arent real sure how to respond when you sit down at the table with them. i didnt want money, praise, or anything else like that. dont know what i wanted out of it. one man smiled. two or three wouldnt look at me. i got antsy, and leaned against a pillar at the edge of a table, and two people sat down beside me then, plates in hand. they had followed me across the room when they saw i was going to sit down. the man asked me if i was from the church group, or i just came to help. i told him a bit of both. he nodded. the couple sat for a minute, and didnt eat anything. it was hard in the silence, because i didnt know what to do. one broke the silence and asked me to say the prayer, since they didnt go to church. i told them i was out of practice. they looked down. didnt know what else to say. i hated being gutless. so i said it: but couldnt we all practice a bit more? and i smiled. then i said the prayer for them.
its something thats kind of hard to tell people. its something you are proud to say you did, that you helped some people for once, but alot of people dont want to hear about it. they think its an ego trip for yourself... or youre reaching for comments, or something like that. so i havent really mentioned it to anyone. just my dad. he was scooping ham and potatoes in the other room. i wanted to say i was proud, and bewildered in myself for doing it. but i dont know why. it wasnt anything anyone else couldnt have done. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a step forward to much. it didnt solve the problems these people faced. but it made two people feel normal again, even if it was just until we opened our eyes. normal people saying a normal prayer before they eat dinner, just like anyone else would on a thursday night. when we opened our eyes, one person had a place to go after that meal. two didnt.
so yeah. thats hard to recount over the phone. or in person to a friend, for that matter. its hard to say how you felt, when you dont know what you felt. people talked to me, in the past few days about: smoking up, racing cars, getting paid, what its like being married... and they all made it the big story, or high priority to tell me. like... GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???? but i withheld my story from thursday. i dont know why. i guess its not something, to me, thats supposed to be broadcast around--- NOT that i dont enjoy doing it, or wouldnt do it again in an instant... but the fact that maybe you shouldnt walk around bragging about what you do for people. just let it come up when it does. i dunno. i dont know much, i know that.
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