Current Musical Selection: Edvard Grieg - Ase's Death Theme, from Peer Gynt Suite Number 1

such a long time since ive been here. really ive got alot to say; but im not sure how to say any of it. hopefully the classical will balance out my mood a bit better; music is supposed to be mood altering... but i find that music tends to be mood reflective with me. if im angry, i play angry music. if im happy, its happy music. lately its been angry music. its been moody music. its been alot of stuff that i just dont know why that ive been playing. i may as well just start in with it all...

stress is a major deal in my life right about now. it seems that each day only brings more; each day only brings worse stress than the day before. when i try to go to sleep in the morning [emphasize try], alot of times i cant. my head is too full of whats going on, im not tired; im wound up to keep going. and it catches up. there was a day last week or so that was nearly impossible for me to even get out of bed. at first, i knew i had to, and i could. then it changed more to a mental blockage, and i created something in my head to keep me from going. after an hour of lying there, watching the ceiling and the clock; i couldnt even physically force myself to get up. it just wasnt worth it. its not right. everyday i know ive got to get back into it, maybe deeper than i was the day before, if for no other reason than vain attempt to staunch the flow that will become tomorrow. it never works. but its the hope i have to hold onto. somedays its parents bitching at me over email or on the phone; some times its some scary representatives from corporations far, far away calling at 8 in the morning, or 9 at night. nothing is sacred to them anymore. email was compromised nearly from the begining, then came my other personal email account; which no one is supposed to know about. that followed with calls at work; calls to Res Services for me; calls to my room; and now calls on my cell phone, again a number no one is supposed to know. then there is the postal mail. it started comming to me at Res. Services; then to my office; then to my room, now it even comes to my parents house. its hard to escape it all. like i said, nothing is sacred. i received business related phone calls on my personal cell phone when i was taking time off at a funeral this summer. and even then, they werent happy when i was short with them on the phone for it. everybody just has to have a piece of me. it seems that at any one point in time, im missing a meeting, late for another or was just mentioned at another i had no idea was in progress. i used to laugh about it. last year it was funny; we always made the joke that my name was being thrown around in all the circles of people in the know at the university. now.... now its not so funny. now its a fact of life. and i cant say i dont enjoy it. i do. it makes it all interesting. it makes it all too interesting. id much rather spend my time doing this kind of think 9 to 5, then go sit in some rank classroom with barwhores and frat boys, trying to make sense of low level concepts. i wish professors respected my decisions not to attend class. wed be so much better off that way. they only add to my stress. god knows i dont need any more of it.

i suppose you could say there is always something lacking in my life, in my own mind if nothing else. its tough being who i am. alot of the bullshit with the job means im all but inaccessable to friends, family, and god forbid obtaining a date. i guess thats not right of me to say really. i have fun. i have friends. and i certainly do have family. i see my family on limited basis; but i talk to them no less than once a week. i see some of my friends everyday. some of them, i choose not to. some of them i havent seen in weeks; and all i get are a few words on instant messenger now and again. its gets tired and worn doing that. there is only so far you can take a relationship with someone you never see, and im surprised how fast they can deteriorate when you dont see them. im also surprised by how much i miss some people. you see someone maybe 3 times a week, maybe not for long each time; but you honest to god, love every fucking minute of time. then it becomes once a month, at best. and then, its not really talk... its not really hanging out. its just seeing them. it just doesnt work. i miss having the old relationships that i do. i try to keep everything up. i spend as much time as possible talking to the people that matter to me, and the rest? not so much. but i try. the effort is there. i dont think anyone has the right to say i dont try, and i know they take it for granted. there are some days where i know, just by seeing the pile of shit to start with, ill never get through it all; and even so, ill stop and make the time to talk with people. i always make the time for them. i suppose thats what hurts everything else i do. i really shouldnt do that. i really should just keep at what im supposed to and just say fuck the rest of them; fuck the rest of it. but i dont want to do that. i guess i just wish people would realize what i do once in a while. i dont go looking for excuses or credit. i do look for understanding and acceptance. maybe if the powers that be would just understand what i do and cut me some slack, and maybe if i actually got something back from the people that i take my time out for; it would be worth it.

thinking back on it all, there really is something lacking in my life. i see everyone around me with someone else. minus a few exceptions; because the rule allways has exceptions; but i dont want to be one of them. i dont want it to be a life long goal to end up with a girl. it certainly looks that way. and everyone all ways tells me something bullshit like that as 'advice' if i even start to bring it up. all i can say is its not fair. ive had people ask me why i dont have a girlfriend; yet the same people also couldnt come up with a list of girls that would be interested. ive had girls tell me that id be perfect... but not for them.... or anyone that they know. its a pattern ive noticed. a pattern that likely has no end; or has no end that i should be happy about. and yet, they tell me to cheer up, to be happy... such crap. its about the lies that we tell each other, and its about the truths we wont say. its about the feelings we hide, and the others that we just play along with. i sit and watch and listen to so many people who arent happy with their current situation or 'other', and not a one of them would rather leave them. being alone is that bad of an alternative. people should try it. people should go for absolute years with nothing - with no hope - with no contact - without a chance in fucking blackest hell, of anything. then they should sit and give advice about being happy. then they should sit and give advice about being hopeful, and about knowing it all will come some day. they think it does. they honestly think that in the end its all going to come up roses for each and every one of us. i just shake my head, and i know its just one of those little lies we tell each other. no one ever wants to come out and say it, not even when you give them free reign to say whatever it really is, they still wont say it. its not allways them, im guilty of it as the next man. ive got alot of things id like to say, that i know people dont want to hear. they arent bad, infact they are almost all things that i think would feel good to say. but i dont. its just another bunch of truths we wont say to each other. its hard not to be truthful sometimes, sometimes it just bleeds through; like an open wound gushing through gauze, every moment of it matters, every shred is very real, and every drop means something. its not about life adn death; its just about truth and happiness. its just about wanting what you can never have. its about sitting the bench. forever. and it never matters what position you play, you wont get the call. your job is just to stay out of the game. some days it hurts. some days you just try not to think about it. but it comes up. and the harder you push it down, the worse it comes back to the surface, and its never any different. it never changes. its an odd feeling to have. wading out here in a sea of women, and knowing that when you reach for one, any one, they drift farther away. and youd think that sometime, that with all this movement, youd get close to one of them. and then they are gone. even sitting still, you might think that movement would bring them closer. and they keep their distance like never before. its like that. its like watching it all from the shore, and just seeing it move, and seeing you flounder and splash around, just mixing up the water more, and watching them move away. and even those moments, when you just close your eyes, and let go... just let it all go and sink. making that choice in your head to stop fighting it, to stop fighting for it; and you slide down depeer. no one is even curious. no one seems to even care. for all those times when youve tried, for all those times when youve fought for your piece of it all; it still goes unnoticed. and its sad. i can think back to all the times where, even just being me, is over looked. where saying something nice, where doing something nice, never mattered. and thats ok. but its when you try, its when you stop and go out of your way, each time, everytime, and you never matter. thats when it hurts. and it hurts the most when you want it. it hurts the most when you do it for a reason, and still no one cares. it hurts because it works for everyone but you. anyone but you. you can just watch them all do it. watch it happen, half-assed; its received like the greatest miracle jesus could perform; its like lazarus comming back from the dead. but for the guy that does care; for the guy that does try, hes just someother two-bit know-nothing in the crowd. and he gets pushed to the back of the crowd. put him back there where no one will see him; and make way for the new guy. its always about the new guy, never about the one youve allready seen. we all want the flashy guy. the cute guy. the guy thats rich. the guy that youll have to learn to love and like. they guy that probably doesnt care about you. they guy thats going to have to be tamed, and taught to like just you, and respect only you. why would we want anything else... anything less than that isnt worth it. anything less than that, isnt what everyone else would want. thats the idea behind it all, thats what makes it hard to get through the days, thats what makes it impossible to have hope... knowing that whatever i may have, whatever good i may bring, whatever i could do; ill always be less than that of someone else, less than anyone else.

" whose in here, hiding from the outside world || whose out there confused and alone || one more day i feel like this || one step closer to finding your grip || its a long way down || such a long way down || cant speak, its too bleak for others, That Day... || so bleak, i cant speak for others... That Day... || long way down || long way down || such a long way down || so bleak to the world , so bleak to the world || now im starting to see it fall down " **

the days to just seem to drag by. nothing much to give me separation; i get up to finish the work from yesterday, and go to bed starting tomorrows work. each day keeps going, like a never ending version of last week; where its all scripted, where you havent had any break from any of it... and it keeps going. im not sure how its any better for kids here. there week consists of skipping classes, to the point you cant tell what day it is, then going out until 3 in the morning every night... and they only way they can tell what day it actually is, is by the drink specials at the bar of their choice. what a life. these people are the future leaders of the workforce. congradulations america; these people, are your hope for the future of this country. people like me? were getting phased out. people like me are in short supply- by design! everyone else doesnt want someone like me around. ill be the type of person that will make you work on mondays, well because its your job to. ill be the type of person to deny socialistic pay increases to everyone; ill opt for my own merit and incentive based system. im also the person thats going to ride your ass for 8 continuous hours to get the job done, and done right; i wont be letting you read the newspaper or call your friends on my dime. people dont want me around their job; ill make it work. theyd much rather keep it 'happy fun time, that i get paid for'. but not today. no, today you all have dragged me down with your attendance points, your busy work term papers, and your comprehensive final exams over thousands of pages and 70 days worth of discussions. for now, you have the upper hand. for now you can allow students, of lesser quality than me, admittance to this school based on their skin color, you can favor those that posess athletic talent over people like me; even in criminal matters; and the best part is, you can indulge me with your queer fetishes, sinntastic lifestyles and innappropriate displays of morales gone awry; and yes, for now you make me speak in tongues [diversity, political correctness, and group feelings], yes for now you have the upper hand on me. for now, you control the lever that makes my days from lesser to great varieties and intensities of Shit. and the only thing i have to look forward to is, someday it will all be over. much like a prisoner in captivity; i have to sit and remove myself mentally from the damage you do to me everyday; i have to loose my sense self, if i ever hope to emerge from this. for now you force me to break down, and break away from what i know and what i believe but some day there will be a time when you will not. break my arms, tear my flesh, and scar my soul, but eventually i will return to the dream that i hold in my head... the dream that is life outside of this institution. the dream thats only a faint memory at times. the dream that you have been able to wrench away from me day after day.

but until that day, i sit here; in this blackest hell. the hole that is solitude and confinement in a world of opportunity, isnt that what you call it? it is my own prison that i build, and i do surely dig myself in deeper, and pile the rocks higher around me, find the cold layers between us to be soothing and comforting; but never enough for me to feel at ease; never enough for me to put down my guard.

** Fly Banger - Bleak [alternate version]

---- more silence ----

so tired. sooooo tired. didnt sleep much last night, in an attempt to make up time on one of the papers. i ended up spending about 5 hours sitting on AIM getting nothing done. and yes, i pretty much just talked with one person. shameful. cant believe im letting myself get behind when im up against the wall like this.... tonight wasnt much better, i ended up taking an hour out to watch some Band of Brothers in jonahs room.... shouldnt have done that either. i suppose im not tooooo far gone yet.. paper for tomorrow is done, paper for wednesday is over half done, havent started paper for thursday yet. not to mention law final of death on tuesday of next week... yah havent cracked a book for that yet.. i figure its going to be my whole weekend. prof david would probably like that. make me spend my whole fucking weekend reading about the African Organizatin of Unity and other horribly inneffective multinational treaties and arrangements that the UN probably isnt clear on. i never wanted a life anyway i guess.

trying not to get too far behind with everything else in my life either. arh is starting to feel like work again... tonights meeting went really well tho. i know i tend not to talk about it much; but it did go well... we were meeting in direct competition with Bono of U2.. we still managed to eek out quorum and get through some interesting debate. yeah. debate at the arh house meeting. not something that would have happened in the recent few years. but tonight the kids really took it on. starting to change my perspective on them. i really am impressed by them when they suck it up and do it. but most of the time they all just sit there... its tough to motivate that many people what what i have to give is not what they need. i cant be the e'r present cheerleader and still be out doing the business with the university people. i cant be impartial and make rulings on debate if i have to step down to create the debate. tonight was good tho. i think that people that missed tonight missed out on something. im extremely impressed at how two or three individuals handled themselves tonight. not that i needed to be persuaded; just they really surprised me. if i had this kind of output from the group from day one, i dont even know where wed be at by now.... seriously. ive got so much in mind for what this group could do, and should do; i just cant get us there when the kids wont do it. ive allready stuck my balls out on the block on several occasions to get us some limelight with unveristy types. one person i had to personally assure that it would be worth their time to come. its difficult to do that. but nights like tonight start to make it pay off. even the advisors were good tonight. really blew my mind.

life also has other fruits... xmas is right around the fucking corner. only done shopping for one person thus far. need to corroborate with my sister to cover my dad; and dad has allready agreed to help me with listing and digging up what people would like and paying attention for me since im up here. nice to have spies on the ground doing work for you. im typically a last minute, typical man shopper. if they dont have it at truckstop on xmas eve, you probably wont get it! im not that bad--yet. but i do tend to wait till about a week out... usually i kick myself for it.. but its part of my xmas warm up routine. infact i surprised myself with the one gift that i bought allready. it was just something that came to mind, that i just happened to see out of the corner of my eye. it just fit. ofcourse, they didnt have exactly what i wanted at the store... so it took me a bit of resourcefullness to come up with what i really wanted... but i think its good. i think they will really like it. well see. i was thinking about keeping it a secret. i wasnt sure really whether i should even get anything; but deep down i knew i wanted to. then it just became a matter of keeping it a secret or not... eventually they hounded me enough about it that i ended up saying that i got something... that took the guess work out of that.

sooooo tired. more tomorrow.. or some day soon....

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: GnR - Estranged [live in Tokyo]

gee what can i say... break was short, not overly calming, and now im right back here again. break didnt get any of my homework done, break didnt give me any sense of rest or relaxation, and i certainly didnt get any shopping or anything done over break. what a waste. i should have expected to get shit done... really only took 2 and a half days off; and from that count out several hours to mass family shit; more hours to hanging with friends, and more hours to sleeping... and i -magically- didnt get jack shit done.

homework and bullshit work are the main themes for me until the end of the semester i have: 3 term papers, 2 response papers, 1 4.5 hour exam, 1 final stats presentation, 2 quizes, then... finals week. not to mention arh bullshit, plus dealing with whatever else seems to come up. honestly, im not sure if im going to make it through all of this. as of right now i only have 1 response paper, and notes for 1 term paper done. i havent even looked at the material for my law class... which in all honesty i should have started studying for a month ago. this semester is going to kick my ass. until now, i had really, nothing going; then the last 3 weeks of the semester, everyone decides to make everything due, and everything has to be fucking ass 10 pages or more in length. not fair, not even useful.

couldnt believe how big of a mess my desk is. i cleaned up my room before i left, but not my desk. stacks of shit everywhere. cd's all over, paper and notes and bs like that about 3 inches deep. all i have is a small hole to move my mouse and to put my keys down. room even got cold enough last night i had to turn the heat on [if you know me, you know thats almost sacralige for me to do]. sometimes i hate this place. when i walked back in here last night, i just felt tired again. it was like i felt the stress of everything else just sit down on my shoulders when i went through the doorway. even as much as i could complain about being at home; i didnt feel like that there. only when i came back here does it all come back. with all the papers and work to be done, im not sure i like that feeling.

this weekend also had some other interesting moments. for one, i met a real live whore. not a prostitute; but a whore. a girl, who is 16, that has allegedly slept with 48 men--starting when she was 12. the current beau, is older than me. disgusting, was the first word that came to mind. intriguing was the next. anyone who hears someone profess a lifestyle like that should be all and out repulsed by it; and i was. but what started to get to me later on was thinking of how one could get to that point. then i started thinking about what i was doing at 12 years old... it sure as hell wasnt sex. i probably wasnt even starting to think about sex at that point... i would have been playing baseball and just getting into music... at 12 i bought my first GnR tape, and my first Nine Inch Nails tape. no where near getting pounded by some high-school aged chick. but i guess thats just me. and i guess alot of people arent like me. next i tried to rationalize why you could do that to yourself. i started comming up with a blank, but ive eventually settled on poor family relationships. the girl mentioned several comments about her father; none of which were very revealing; but all suggested to me, that shes doing this for attention. by now, im sure shes made herself believe in what shes doing, and truely like it; but im sure it started out as a way of attention- as a way to reinforce or suppleant a strong father-daughter relationship that was never there; which probably progressed into a similar social structure. [ie- her friends probably exhibited the same behavior, if not, the ones she kept imitated it and supported her... but by the sounds of it, they seem to engage in the same acts she does]. id probably guess that a mother is non-existent, that the father probably likes his booze, and by the grand scheme of things, they arent the wealthiest family in town. but none of my psycho babble means anything to this girl who does this. while she was over, she kept making comments that would strongly suggest shes seeking attention; and with her self-spoken love of 'older men' i think its tough to deny the type of relationship shes seeking. more over, i guess its tough to deny the type of future shes building for herself too. couldnt imagine anything positive comming from experiences like that; much less from someone who is proud of it all. i can sit back and think of the women ive been through, and although the number is much, much lower than was probably the norm for my age, i can still say im not very proud of it- i wish it was lower. but for someone, who under iowa law cant even drive by themselves yet, to have had sex with 48 strangers [she slept with the new guy the first night she met him], its hard to comprehend where all of that is going to lead her. one friend suggested porno. i disagree... shes got atleast 2 full years before she can show up on american made pornos LEGALLY. i suppose she can do some creepy jap kiddy porn work; but really, even as a prostitute she should have a ways to wait still. i guess what gets to me is how a girl like her does it. i dont question what i know, which is really anyone can be made to like something--- but the idea at first, when its still fresh... it cant have been too appealing to her. not at 12 years old. i suppose in this day and age, its not uncommon to suspect some form of pedophillia relation or incestual contact within the family, but she seemed to open for that. she seemed to proud for that. generally you find people to be tough to admit that problems like that exist at home; and when you do, they arent happy to say it. i just cant get over why she would be. she was proud to show it. the whole time she kept feeling up the new beau, even to his dissproval... several requests of 'stop it' 'cut it out' 'whats wrong with you' and 'dont' were heard, but it didnt work. she also was overly flirtatious and quick to respond in cutesy ways, attempting to attract the attention of the other 3 males in the room. it wasnt right. all the signs would suggest something other than what was sitting in the room. in that room was a 16 year old girl, who had enough make up on to cover up if she was 11, wearing kid like glasses, in a sunday-school type skirt and sweater outfit; who would look more in place laying on a bed, surrounded by stuffed animals and mandy more posters, talking about how cute carson daily is to her friends on the phone. but that wasnt all what she was.

i tried to think about how id handle that if i was a parent, and my daughter turned out like that. and i couldnt think of anything that would work. honestly, id probably beat the shit out my kid. id hope it would never progress to the point where he/she would reach something like that; but at that point there isnt much left to do. my child would have broken really every rule and expectation id have had for them; and what then? what do you tell the child who has done that to you? God banished them from the garden, and while thats not a bad way to handle it... its still your child out there then. at 16, you are legally obligated to care for them, even if you can break the chains of moral ownership. so what then? i couldnt imagine that situtation; much less that her parents seemed to be accepting of it all [based on what she said]. still at a loss for words for it all.

as some of you know, i had a long time, no-good relationship with someone. sometimes i mention it all in passing here, but i try not to dwell on her too much, although i know i do. [post edit - read back a few for more info on her, the long email and the poem were both about her... S.A.] While at home i found myself driving aimlessly, at 5:30 in the morning. ive been doing alot of thinking about the past, and about the future lately... and i dont know why; but at 5:30 in the morning; i find myself parked about a house down from hers, on her street. i guess i didnt know what i was doing there, but i was still there. yeah, its thanksgiving night, and im sitting there in the dark, with the engine running; and i have no clue why im sitting there. Lights are all off, no one seems to be around; and its not like id be expected here. honestly, i might be one of the last people that shed want around. so i sat there. for a while i thought to myself how bad it must look if anyone saw me there. i felt like a stalker; i felt like i was obsessed. but i dont think i was, and i dont think that i am. i think what i wanted was an end to it all. i wanted the end that i never got. i wanted some sort of finality to all the shit that had happened; i wanted something more that me just hanging up on her. i wanted more than empty promises as a goodbye. i wanted to have some sort of nasty, drag-out knock-down, fuck-off for good fight. i also wanted one of those heartfelt teary, blury, so long's. i never got anything i wanted. so i sat there thinking about it all. i thought of all the times id parted with myself to do things for her. i thought about all the compromises and the bullshit i put up with just to have something. and i thought about how it wasnt worth any of it; none of it. when all of it was happening, it was just one constant stream of frustrations; one new turn of events after another. and now ive got all the time in the world to sit and remember it all; to let it all just keep playing over and over. to sit and wish maybe id have said something different, to wish maybe id been a bit more understanding. while i sat there, i cut my own thoughts off. i began to see it how i always should have. i began to think that, maybe i did do everything right; maybe i was understanding, and maybe i shouldnt have been. maybe i should have just given her the fuck-off back then. maybe id have learned something now about it then. i still havent gotten what i wanted.

i thought about whats going on now. i thought, maybe things will change... maybe, just maybe Axl had it right, that "when i find out all the reasons, maybe ill find another way; find another day. with all those changing season of my life, maybe ill get it right next time" as the song says. but im not so sure of it all. Axl also told us that "we both know hearts can change" and that sure as fuck didnt happen either. not even when you wanted it to change, it didnt happen. even now when i sit and look at myself, and i think im sure of what im doing; im not. i think, and i act, in a way that i tell myself is right and proper; and they way i treat certain people is just nothing. and i lie to myself about it. i know its not what i want. if anything from her, _ _ _ _ tought me that im never going to get what i want; not even when i fight for it. and it made me angry when ive thought about it in the past. but not when i was sitting there in the car. not this time. and im not sure why. i guess i thought more of what it all meant to me; and now im starting to let go; but i never got the chance to let go. not that it makes any difference to her. but it makes a difference to me. i used to think that none of it bothered me. it did. but i used to try to force myself to think it was normal, and it was all ok, and despite getting screwed up the ass; it had its positive moments. im still trying to believe that. i do some days. but not that night, not sitting there looking at it all, wondering why i never felt like i did right then before. i wondered to myself why i ever cared about her. i wondered why i would even want to sit and think about her. i wondered why i even kept her in my prayers for so long. litterally years afterwards, id still include her. not that it mattered much. not that shed care. not that i should have. but i did. and even then i realized i still never got what i wanted. and it doesnt matter anymore. and im still bitter.

i guess im only bitter because it still ruins me. i sit and talk to some girls, and it doesnt come up. but sometimes, with certain ones; it feels like im back in it again. it feels like im not talking to you, it feels like im talking to her. it feels like im getting fucked over again, and you still dont care... just like she didnt. all of that got to me as i was sitting there. all of it started to make me mad again. some of it was about her, and some of it was with whats going on now. alot of it all made sense. after all the shit i put up with this weekend from people, hearing their comments, hearing their jeers about me; i just wanted it to stop. only so many times you hear shit about how youre single, how youre an dissappointment, how even 'family' can see that youd be un-attractive enough not to get a girl... only so much you want to hear. then youre sitting in silence. you are sitting in a car, on a dark street, and its all right in front of you. and it still doesnt make sense. it never made sense why the one time you wanted something to be different; it was more of the same... it was so much like every other time, that you made yourself think it was different. but there wasnt anything different there. there wasnt anything there at all. its funny how the past is like the present. its funny how you find someone, that really is different, but really nothing is different. nothing is there. its funny how you want it all to be different, and its all the same. its like its a pattern. a pattern that doesnt break; a pattern that fits every size and every occasion, and its allready there when you get there. it just follows you. when you say things, its got the replies made up. when you try to do something; its got their reaction completed. and when you try to care again; its ready to cut that part out. so many things i thought i knew, i thought were different; just really never were. so many things that now, id like to change, that now id want to be; i know wont. its funny how it all makes sense that easy. its funny how easy you can put your hands on it with one touch; how easy it is to feel the form, to feel it breathe to feel it be with one touch. it stays with you. that first touch never leaves you. its just so simple, so comforting, so reassuring. and then its gone. and then you have the rest of your life to remember it.

" for many times it would seem just like a memory
i searched and found the way to choose the end
i found the ways, why it had to be
mired in denial and so far away " *

with that simple touch i reached in the glove box and pulled it out. the steel was cold to the touch and gleamed in the street light. the nickel plating was polished and slick. i put it on the seat next to me to look at it. i thought about what i needed to do and what i wanted it all to end up like. and i knew i had to do this. i knew it had to end sometime. i dont want to loose the memories, i dont want to loose the freedom; but i did need to do this. i reached into my pocket and pulled out a picture. it was a picture of her that id had for awhile; one i rather liked. one i dont show people, just one that i like to keep to remember her by. i thought i knew what it all was, but i was wrong. i thought i knew how it was supposed to turn out; but i was wrong again. thats when i rolled down the window and reached over to the seat. i looked around, the street was still quiet, and i took one last look at her house. i dont know if she was there or not. but i knew it never really mattered, no one would really know that. i closed my hand around it, and sparked the lighter to life. i watched the flame for a second; before i lit the picture on fire. i watched it burn. i watched the edges turn black, and run into the middle of the picture. i saw it crumple in my fingers and smoke. then i flipped it out the window into the street. and i drove away.

i drove away because im done with it. i drove because i wanted to leave it behind; i wanted to end it on my terms. i wanted it to stop being something in the back of my mind. i wanted it to stop being something that just sits in my chest when i hear her name. i wanted to stop wanting her. i want something new to come along to take her place. i dont want to be the person stuck hanging on to something that i never had. id much rather be the person hanging on to something that i do have. even though i dont have anything... and people are probably right, i wont get anything; it something that just has to end sometime. its just got to end that i can try to be happy about what im not happy about; its got to end that im content to pretend and play the game when its not what i want. its about finding something to say, rather than finding the time to say it. i wish things could be different, i wish that i could be allowed to say what i want to, when i want to; to whom i want to... but if ive learned anything , i should have learned that patience doesnt necessarily pay off. it wont pay off whats not there to begin with.

ain't it fun~
s.

*- lyrics to Madagascar, by GnR

Current Musical Selection: Deep Purple - Soldier Of Fortune

so lied.. ill drop one more on you all before i leave....

" i have often told you stories about the way i lived my life as a drifter || waiting for the day when id take your hand and sing a song || then maybe you would say "come lay with me love", and then i would surely stay || but i feel im growing older, and all the songs i have sung, echo in the distance || like the sound of a windmill going round, i guess ill always be... a soldier of fortune "

very quiet around here tonight. just me and two others left on the floor... ones leaving early in the morning, and the other at noon. and here, i dont have any guesses when i even get to leave. some holiday this is. ive got meetings and things to tend to durring the day, long before i even get to assess my options for trying to get home. some holiday indeed. but i guess its more for people. im rarely considered in the same breath as other people. not alot else to say about that i guess.

" many times ive been a trav'ler, i looked for something new || in days of old, when nights were cold, i wandered without you || but in those days, i thought my eyes had seen you standing near... || though blindness is confusing; it shows that youre not here || now i feel im growing older, and all the songs i have sung, echo in the distance || like the sound of a windmill going round, i guess ill always be... a soldier of fortune "

packing isnt going so well. not really sure what i need to pack, or how much. i dont see any point to it. ill be around to do homework at home; and really thats about it. 3 papers due in a weeks time. plus an entire book to have read, and a quasi- fourth paper to have done for that. not to mention a killer 4 hour law exam the week i come back; and finals the week after that. really not alot of time to think about anything but that. makes it easier to pack then. hopefully i wont have the time to be worried about picking the wrong color of pants. i really shouldnt have time to worry about anything else other than school. but i guess i find time to manage.

" yes i can hear the sound. the windmill is going round. || i guess ill always... be a soldier of fortune. "

looking back in silent solitude, i guess i cant say i ever did anything right. i cant say i ever handled any one thing exactly the way i should have. i guess ive always kept thigns moving, and never took much time to think about it all. alot of times, thats worked out well in my favor. maybe this time it doesnt seem so good. i have always wanted to say i did everything right, and i did everything the way i wanted to... no regrets... no doubts... i cant say that for sure now. i sit and think what happened to me; and i really cant find an answer. im sure there were points of lucidity in there; but i cant recall any. its one stream of 'moments' linked together... everythings episodic, and only now can i sit and think of more long term things---after ive forged my way ahead. usually at thanksgiving time, i send out an email to people; and say something to each of them about what they mean to me. i say usually. i didnt this year. i didnt send them to anyone. and i dont know why. i suppose its not that people suddenly dont matter to me... and it not that ive never sent thigns to people that i shouldnt have [God knows id love to un-send some of those emails, now that i think about it in retrospect] but this year, i dont know... this year has been different on me. ive seen alot of things come and go. not a one of them have left me very happy when theyve left.

its not really anything to be sad about or to cry over, or to call a therapyst about... but in the past year or two, ive really gotten the hell beat out of me. not physically. though some days it fees like it. and other days id pray for it. id pray just to get my ribs kicked in, if it would change things; if it would change the way i would have done something; if it would change the way i worded something; if it would change the way i would have responded. no amount of abuse will change those things now. no matter how nice it might feel to hurt myself over it, it wont do any good. because, atleast if i did... id have something to show for it all. i dont now. i all have is wounded pride; low expectations, and a grounded sense of reality. something all of them were allowed to do without. and as all these people are in bed, and sleeping. sleeping safely near the arms of people who love them, in sheltered comfort. i sit here. out of reach, and maybe out of touch with it all.

i tried to ask myself, what i had to be thankful for. and yes, aside from the things we should all be thankful for; family, shelter, security; i came up drawing a blank. all that kept comming back to me was the laughter of the past. the cold mocking voices, the uncertain silence between two people. the unfettered, unrequetted ambitions and desires of one person; all just seem to be in the distance. i could say i value my education. but i dont. this school is worse to me everyday; and ive done nothing but put back into it. i spend my time, and my free time in it, to improve it, honestly saying i am a part of it. and its done nothing for me, but increase my debt. i could say i value my friends. but i dont as a whole. alot of these people dont want me around, dont value me. im a person of convienince; a person of proximity; and a person of last resort. so much so, its hard for me to discern who are my real friends and who arent anymore. so then i could say that i value my friendships. the intangilble from the tangible. what makes friends special, are the frienships... the bonds the kinship you have between you. maybe i do a little. some of them atleast. some times though, i question those. i question the friend, and then i find myself questioning the friendship... much like i did earlier this week. now maybe i dont have either of those. i could say i value my lover. but i dont have one. so i dont. i dont even value those that once were. they all, in the end; never valued me. and thats where it gets hard. i sit and think alot about this, when none of you are around. and i question what i have to be thankful for; and i cant make the list short enough some times, and sometimes.. i cant make a list. life is ironic that way. in much the same way that we say our well wishings to each other when departing. its ironic to me that the ones that may mean the least to me, go out of their way to say something to me before they leave... while the ones that may mean the most to me, refuse to say anything to me. im not so sure what to make of it. im not so sure i should make anything of it. but in time, im certain that i will.

in time im sure i can make anything certain. time too is ironic. as it draws near, i recall myself saying words a year ago, that still i wonder why i said. i said at my birthday; as my wish for myself.. that i will find someone that will mean something to me, and that i will mean something to them. now that its time is almost expired; i can tell you with the irony, that is life, that im quite possibly farther from that now, than i was a year ago. sometimes even i wonder about it all. about the irony of life. about the inherent flaws and fallability of our dreams, and how life sees to those weaknesses. sometimes even i wonder about what i should be thankful for, from the despair and the emptiness of my solitude, even i know that i do have something to be thankful for.

" ill always be.... a soldier of fortune "



.

***slight programming note****
durring the next few days i probably wont be making any posts. ill be home for thanksgiving; and im sure its not that i wont have anything to say or anything going on; its just i really need a break from life at this point... everything and everyone has really worn me down. im hoping to be able to get away from alot of it. but; i know i do have many of you loyal viewers, and i dont want to dissappoint; so if something comes up ill do my best to put it up... otherwise, i expect my semi-regular posting habit to continue again approximately monday or so....


Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - I Dont Know Why

this is a great song. yeah, period. lately ive gotten into alot of his stuff; its all classical blues stuff, played by a local guy [from Waterloo], and it just makes great "soul music" as someone called it the other day. just another set of songs and chords that i can identify with. maybe its just the mood ive been in, but it just sets in well with me. ill put up a low, low quality version of the song if youre interested in hearing it. although i dont like giving away the music; its a small time local guy, that you just arent going to find any of his music; and this is a pretty crappy quality copy; good enough to listen to, but bad enough i wouldnt try making it a cd... the song is about a 1 meg; [watch out for those of you on modem] but its 4 and a half minutes.. so that tells you the quality i ripped it at... listen to it. maybe it would make good background music while you read everything else on here. [post edit - incase anyone is wondering about where to get his cd's from; msg me or email me and ill give you some contact information for him--S.A.] <- - - click me for music - - ->

enjoy his music. i do.


" i left my home, back in '71 || shook hands goodbye with everyone || now i am a broken man, just one thing i dont understand || i dont.. know why, why i said goodbye "


the last few days have been rough. its been a big game of what to do next; and how to please everyone but scott. i hate it. its not something i like to admit; but i do end up doing things for other peoples benefit from time to time... and i sincerely do not like being responsible for causing problems for people. so to the few that matter [and they know who they are] i will say im sorry for making complications. i am.

but its something i had to do. its something that i had to say. something that, to me maybe, its important that it gets said. for alot of reasons, i had to do it. some of them are my reasons, and some of them ill share. most importantly its that issue of a friendship being uneven. it doesnt feel like a level field; it always feels like im the one that has to run up hill... and that wears you down. and secondly; its how steep the grade is. really, they way i look at it: how much does it mean to me. alot. admittedly, more than it should; and i dont know why. but to me, its just not right to have to feel like everything is slanted, steeply, against me. it just doesnt sit right. and so i asked. and even then, i dont know if the answers i got did it for me. you tell yourself the samething, and it doesnt sound right; so why doesnt it sound like there is anything behind it... why is it i just cant believe you when you answer me. i dont know why i dont. lastly, for me its about knowing that im not certain how i feel. i know i should feel one way, but im not sure i do. i hate myself for that. really. i get up in the morning; and i expect myself to make decisions. the whole fucking day, i do nothing but that. but when it comes down to one; one fucking small, insignifficant, little choice; i cant do it. i just cant make my mind up. i should be able to. and i cant. i want to. lordy i want to. i want to know that ive got just that one easy option to stick with. but i dont know that to be what i want. i dont know what i want. i just know that im not fully happy with how it all is. im not happy with myself carring about someone more than they could care about me again.


" i had a good job, made good money || had a good friend, she called me honey || now i am; feelin' sad. dreamin o' what i once had || and i dont know why, i said goodbye "


its not a feeling i ever liked. and i sat and thought to myself, that ive never had a relationship with a female thats ever turned out to be half way civil and descent. and i cant understand why. god, i try to be a good friend... it just never works. i try. i try so hard. and in the end; i just get left behind. its not that i dont try, its not that im not flexible, its not that i dont care... i think that once i establish a relationship with someone... and im talking a real, solid, meaningful relationship. they cant handle it. they cant do it. to them, they can only do something even remotely like that with a boyfriend, or a love interest. and thats never me. its tough sometimes like that. its tough to want to put your feet back in the water after an incident like that. even after you break the rules. the last time it happened; the system didnt break down first; i broke down first. i was the one that caved to it. i was the one that couldnt handle just being friends. i was the one that said i had to have it another way. and she was the one that got left in a bad position. but in the end. it was me that ended up with bad blood. see, i wasnt content with friendship with her. i wanted more; i felt more, and i told her. and im the one that paid for it when it was over. im the one that ended up without her as a friend, and still never got her as anything more than that. thats why i hesitate over this. it makes me want to reconsider saying or doing anything... its not that im in love. maybe its that i do love. and that i know that, absent being loved, its going to lead me to the same spot again. the spot where im going to get left short handed. but so fucking what if it did? so fucking what if it lead to that? i couldnt think of any better way to do it-- i couldnt think of any better way to fall in love, than with a person you already cared that much about. ... but i was wrong then. and i guess im still wrong. people dont want that. people dont want me. and thats ok. thats something i cant argue. thats something i dont have much to do with. its that this time; i wanted to know that. i wanted to know if i could care about someone, and not have to be concerned with them carring back. but i found out otherwise. maybe i didnt. maybe; and this seems stupid; maybe i didnt learn anything, maybe all i did was ask questions that only made someone mad... not at the answers, but mad at me for questioning it all. i guess im sorry if thats the case. im not sure that it is. im not sure of anything anymore. i really feel myself starting to slip some days. starting to slip in what i know and what i do. times like this, i guess i have lost it. i have lost touch with reality. ive forgotten what its like to be there. ive forgotten what its like to want anything. ive forgotten what its like to have anything like that to be proud of. its been so long. its been so long since ive had a normal person carring about me in my life, that i just cant remember what its supposed to be like any more. maybe we all have.


" i used to go home, sleep in my bed || then all of my troubles, would leave my head || tears and regrets, forever more || dryin my eyes, and walking the floor || and i dont know why, why i said goodbye "

Current Musical Selection: Joe Price - Blues Juice
[dont bother looking this one up, you wont find it! ask me to hear it sometime... some great homegrown blues, in the classic style]


anger management.
im bad at being angry. i guess i dont have any real way to show any steps of anger, besides being furious. so what happens when you dont want to show someone your mad, or they leave before you can be mad? well, i left. i got so fed up with this constant shit, i had to leave. thats it, zip gone. and i returned to the time-tested friend of 'alcohol' to see me through it all. its a horrible way to do things. kids, dont be like me. im not going to make it seem bad, i didnt even get tipsy/buzzed/light headed but its not a mechanism that should be used. when youre mad, you need to tell someone. i dont always do it well. tonight i did, tonight i told Mr. Guiness, and several of the Pints about it all. they didnt have much to say back to me. but i guess thats good. they listen to me. they ought to, i paid good money for their time. besides, they dont believe in making me mad, only in helping me through my problems. yeah. that sounds like something a raging alcoholic would say. again, i stress that im not that bad. but it was necessary. ive got to have some way to resolve it all. i want to scream sometimes. if people only knew what id like to say, id like to think i wouldnt have any of these problems. which is funny. i dont think i know any person that would describe me as "quiet" or "shy"; yet, for me now, its a serious problem of not getting to say what id like to say. thats what makes me mad. time after time; day after day; it just builds. getting rid of it... thats anger management for me. its bad when it happens. it means ive let it go too far. ive let it get to me. yeah. anger management skills.


change of pace
going out isnt something i do. i did that. ive been out, ive tried that route, and none of it appeals to me, or gets me what it does for other kids i guess. so i dont. and when i do, its because i have to get out; because i have to get away from everything. and so i did. i disappear to one of several places that i frequent for this reason. dont worry, youll never find me if you look. even if you knew where to go, and when id be there; if i see you, i walk right out the door. getting away from people is what i have to do sometimes. sometimes, its just a necessary change of pace. walking with a skip instead of a strut. while i was there, i heard some wonderful music. [yes, its also interesting how in this dejected state, hearing the blues cheers me up] and i had some good think time. i thought alot about what im doing. alot of times i had to answer myself with 'i dont know' because i dont. i really dont know what im doing anymore. i know that what i dont want is whats happening now. i know that its time to change things. im due for a change of pace.


conflict resolution
i think in life we all want answers. answers are usually whats in short supply. sometimes it just might be where to go next, or what color shirt do i wear; usually, they are trivial. but sometimes you hit a genuine question; that you need an answer to. it seems like those are the ones you can never answer yourself. seems like you need to have other people think about it too. which is truely ironic. maybe on a decision about your personal feelings, you have to consulate someone else. and thats funny... i mean, what the fuck would they know about you, and how you think, and anything like that. but you do it. and so did i. just like it should, an answer comes back to me. just like you could have guessed; its probably not the answer you wanted to hear. this time i wasnt so sure. it could be the right answer. it could really be, that i "shouldnt waste my time on it" and i should just "move on and do other things that are worth it" as the answer was phrased to me tonight. im not so sure. im not doubting that its probably right. im just doubting whether its the answer thats best for me. its probably right. but part of me wants to keep going. part of me wants to stop and just think it through. just think of what could be, and what couldnt be. then balance it out. pick whatever seems right for me based on that. pick whatever is going to get something. conflict resolution. make it end. stop the insanity of this inbetween shit; and cut me an answer. but thats not quite how it works. its never as simple as pressing a button and getting what you want. its takes alot more than that to make it through the day.


and in the end?
so im not sure. what i want to do is think about it. explore what my options are. but that ultimately is taking action that is probably not going to end up in my favor. it just wouldnt. maybe if it was picking out what color shirt to wear, id feel better about putting them all on the bed and trying them all on. but not for this. see, what im stuck on is what i should be thinking about other people. how well on the scale of humannity and friendship, should i let them rank? if i even explore the options of where to go; im allowing myself to think its possible to rank them higher. but based on what ive been shown; thats not the case. what probably is true: You dont give a shit less about me than any other random person. You might lie and tell me you do; You might tell me alot of these things, that You might not tell anyone else about... but You dont care about me. and its really up to me to push that or not. it frustrates me alot to think about it... so i havent. i keep myself from even wanting to think about it, because i know the answer to it. so really in the end, where does this leave me at? yeah, poor old me. sitting back 3 paces from the starting line. what do you do? i dont know. all i know is tonight was about me letting go of the frustration you cause me, the frustration that you may never know about.

ain't it fun~
s.

once again its silent in here. sometimes i just get in the mood, where any noise is a distracting noise. and ive had enough distractions. once again, i found a reason not to get anything done today; why? tonight was a huge 3 movie Eastwood marathon.. all of my favorite westerns from the late 60's, For A Few Dollars More, High Plains Drifter, The Good The Bad and The Ugly... all on tonight... that took pretty much from dinner time to 1am... so much for getting things done. again, like i need another reason not to get anything done.

getting what done is a better question, to ask myself. nothing motivates me around here any more. and its not that im an un-motivateable person. i hit things, and i run right through them to get the job done. but classes arent doing it for me anymore. sitting and listening to some old professor rail some point to death, just isnt making it click for me. even reading the additive literature for the classes in lieu of class; isnt cutting it with me any more. im not motivated to sit and "learn" in that environment any longer. i see what i want to do with my life, and sitting in a classroom listening to this garbage isnt it. besides the fact, the material is useless. none of my classes really mean anything to me. and i seriously doubt ill use anything from them ever [how useful is the Old Testament to an attorney?] but its not just that. im motivated and focused on other things... arh takes up so much of my time; not because it has to, but maybe because i let it. i do enjoy it. although alot of people are making that very difficult for me to do.

ive also found im not especially motivated to move on in my life. im not seeing anything to go for. im not seeing whats so special that i should do. i know what i want out of life, but thats so far off, there isnt much to do about it. im more concerned about the here and now; and in the present, i dont have alot going for me. its like drag racing a car, but leaving it in neutral after the first 50 yards. i see alot of people going past me, i see my self past alot more people. and i guess i just find myself almost content to sit idle. thats not right. thats not what its supposed to be like. im supposed to want to move to the next step, work for the next big thing. not just sit back and smell the roses... and there are no roses to smell. so im just sitting. its frustrating. i guess alot of it has to do with frustrating things in my life. alot of shit is complicated, waaaay beyond the complication that it should be. i make it worse. i make myself go through it all. and i really do hate myself for it. but im not the only one with that devotion; plenty of other people see fit to drag shit to my doorstep every day, and just make life one big bag of dog shit in your laundry cycle.

its frustrating. its tough to get up every day and see the same shitty world around me. its not surprising i sleep in so late some days. its not that i dont have anything to do; its just that i dont care about doing it. none of it has much effect on my life in the end; and by and by someone else will just take care of it. someone else will care. but not about me. see ive sat and thought about what really gets to me. it came up in conversation the other day with someone [who now magically avoids dealing with me online... how original that is]; and somehow i came to the conclusion that ive really never had someone who cared as much for me as i cared for them. maybe once or twice ive noticed a stalkerish person who seems to try to attach themselves to me. but really. in a sense of real, confined and conceited efforts for mutual relationships, nothing has been mutual about it. im still left with the same old annimosity at the end of the day, and thats difficult. even today; i just have someone on my mind and i just cant seem to ever express anything about it. and its bullshit---its total bullshit that i dont. its got nothing to do about not wanting to do it, or not wanting to say it. its about letting them limit me; before they even know. i stop myself from saying anything, because i let them stop me from saying it. but that doesnt change a thing. it just dams up everything. its all pent up. some day im just going to loose it. i hate that feeling. i hate the feeling, that im back in the same position that ive allways been put in. even when i think to myself, that ive done everything different this time; it all ends up the same. i start to wonder, if this is a different situation, or its just a different colored carousel. i try every time to do it differently. i try every time to see this through as a different set of things. i try not to make the same mistakes. and i find myself held up on the same problems. i find myself labeled as "just a friend" or as someone who "doesnt count" or just someone who gets used as the emotional cruch. and by and large, its the cruch that gets thrown away when the leg is healed. i never wanted to be that person. i never wanted to be the one thats allways removed from the group. i suppose ive never wanted to be the big ugly guy. but i am. and that limits it. it limits me, and i take whatever i can get. thats why i settled for people in the past. thats why i just crucified myself time and time again for some people. because there isnt any alternative. there arent any other fish in the sea. thats all you get. you either eat, and get sick from bad food; or you just starve to death. and as much as im mad and angry about getting sick all the time; it beats the hell out of my alternatives. it beats the hell out of being totally alone. sure friends are one thing, parents and family are another. but im to the point in my life where id like---i want, to have a relationship with a girl thats not based out of necessity. id like to actually have someone accept me for me, and like me for me. then make that decision of being with me. and i know i dont see any of that comming true any more. im so young, thats what i get told, but i dont see alot of room for this stuff to change. really in the nearly 10 years of my sexual/emotional consciousness, i see the lay of the land. and i hate it. that bothers me. but so does what i settle for. i cant like settling. no one should. by definition its getting what you didnt want. so i settle to be the friend. i settle to hear the stories about people and their exploits. i settle to become the shoulder that gets cried upon time after time. i settle to be the person thats never going to be considered. why the hell should they? they get what they want. they get someone who takes up all the slack of who they want. i get to be responsible for the emotional and intellectual things that appearntly people wont fullfill for them. i just cant ever get what they get. someone. i cant ever get anyone; and why is that? because i guess im not good enough for that. ive never wanted to be petty and think about it that way; but they do. they sit and make that fucking decision, each time; everytime, that says NOT THIS GUY, GIVE ME THE CUTE GUY. and they do it. they all take the one with looks, and work around all the othe faults. instead of just one time taking the guy thats got everything else, but work around the looks. and thats just not going to change over night. thats what kills my motiviation to initiate anything. it stops it cold, when i sit and think about it for an hour. i drive for an hour, just to think about it. and i know its not going to change.

no one would care anyway. i sit and think about what id do if say someone actually gave a shit and a half about me. [yeah yeah, play along people, we all agree it wont happen] but for the sake of argument alone; i dont know what id do with myself. ive never gotten the chance to be in a relationship where i could express myself in the realm of real and accepting settings. i suppose it wouldnt change what id do, but im not sure about that. i see how it works with everyone else. i see how people treat each other... boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives; and its not how id do it. but i dont know how id do it. everything ive ever had experience with has been up hill. all i know is how to fight to get and keep attention; knowing damn well they dont want me. thats got to be different. thats got to be a bad way to try and go into normal relations with another person. its going to burn out. its going to cause problems. but its all i know. its all i know how to do; to fight for every inch of space, and to keep fighting for it; because the second i drop my guard, im just a friend again. im just back in the limbo area of not being overly important to anyone. im back in that area where im not appealing to anyone. and im tired of being there. but that doesnt mean its going to change.

all i know is nothing changes. ive said it before, but i can stand and scream an shout and be pissed off... but thats not going to change anything. i can try to be calm, and carring and understanding; and im going to get berated, and walked on. i can try to be sensitive or creative, but im going to get burnt in creative ways. i can just be apathetic, and they will beat me to the punch. i can want to have someone, and know its not going to happen. and why isnt it? fuck thats not fair, thats not right. but that is. it is and it will. and people get mad at me, and tell me its sad the way i talk about what i think lifes going to end up for me; but i dont. i guess i lost that feeling for it. i guess that part of it died awhile ago. i can see myself being in my late 30s or 40s, being divorced, with no kids, a soon-to-be exwife that hates me, with nothing to show for it. i can see myself has having worked my ass off to keep a relationship going, and i can see myself getting dumped like i always have. ive allready vowed that im never going to get remarried. i never want to get divorced either, but thats probably not going to stop Her in the future, will it?


sorry for the bitchy rant... ill cut myself off there... sleep might do me some good...

Current Musical Selection: Izzy Stradlin - Up Jumped The Devil

oooooooh god. such a long weekend. as i write this im somewhere near the 2/3s point of it. macurh is done. so much to say. so little to say. lots of memorable moments; prolly alot i shouldnt repeat... and really, in my mind this year had alot more memorable moments than last year did. this years delegation was into it, they tried their asses off on what they did [spirt, box, banner, etc] even though we didnt win anything; and above all they had fun i think. maybe not with the conference its self, but they had fun with each other and with all of us together; really something we didnt do last year at macurh; or at nacurh really. so to Kahldee [you should have done The Trade!], May [why did you even bother asking men which outfit to wear???], Abby [for sitting and giggling about damn near everything], Lisa ["oh yeah, i have Debbie Does Dallas"], Charles [im glad we could have such a 'diverse' environment], Jamie [such a PinWhore... but whats step 2?!?!?], Sean ["i get bite-y" and for offering to drink Failures cologne], Soper [for riding that pony, pazzzz], Failure [for failing, as usual]; thanks for a memorable weekend.

-----------------------------

late monday....

this is all one post, mainly because i left the window open and never sent it... so i find myself looking at all this nearly two days later, still forgetting how to finish what i want to say... and its not that i really had anything to say per say. if that makes any sense. GNR was last night. two words. fucking great. for as much as i may dislike having the old band done away with; this new group isnt half bad. Richard Fortus really was great. Hes one of the few in that new group i think Axl picked well. Fortus was fired up to play, hit every note, and just played the hell out of the songs. not to take away from any of the others... aside from Chris Pittmann, the new keyboard guy.... he was crap, did nothing, added nothing; but it was good. little things about the show bug me... piss poor sound quality [even for a concert], bad opening acts, horrendous prices at the souvenier stands [60 bucks for a long sleeved tshirt!!!!!], and some things about how the show was run... for the most part the setlist wasnt what id have picked, but i was happy with it... and so was the crowd. it was amazing to hear axl. it sounds creepy to say it. probably sounds worse for you all to read it. but really, it was. to hear the guy that wrote all this shit, that i listen to that, really got me through my life, and still gets me through it... to see him just pump pure emotion into what he was doing; doing this really just for the benefit of the fans that came. and i stress fans that came... the mark was one of the smaller venues on the tour [small enough it shouldnt have been included] and it still was lackluster sales, maybe 75% full... and axl still gave us the whole show. it was emotional. really i was into it. i could look over and see my brother screaming along with the words; and see the people next to us pumping fists along to the chords; it was nothing short of emotional. but more so for me. ive really attached myself to the music. all of those songs have some meaning to me. and as cultlike as it sounds, they all did matter to me when i heard it. hearing some of those old songs really made my thoughts wander. i heard the song, but i felt the meaning behind it. songs like Think About You... which i rarely listen to, just immediately made me think of someone; and just like the lyrics say...

" it was the best time i can remember || and the loving we shared, loving that will last forever || i think about you || everytime my heart says yes || i think about you || deep inside i love you best || i think about you || you know youre the one i want || i think about you, darlin' youre the only one "

and i found myself doing it. i found myself thinking about you. when a slower song hit like Patience, or Knockin On Heavens Door; i saw the people next to me, and just thought how i wish i could have had this moment to actually share with you. amazing the way music hits you sometimes. makes you think about and do things you might not ordinarly do; and then other times its just background noise. i didnt want to find myself thinking that way. but i didnt want to stop myself either. it was right. and its probably not about who youd think, for those of you trying to keep score at home. maybe its one of those things i do something about some day.

in few words tho, the concert was fucking great.

other random things, also for those of you taking score at home; the events surrounding last post, came pretty close as i expected. no interest. nothing there. i successfully walked into something, expecting more, and getting less; yet somehow escaping with a feeling of accomplishment about something. we had a very nice talk. and its tough to gauge it any thing more than that. i hadnt seen her in years, and havent talked with her [even by email] for atleast 6 months; but this is someone id see and talk to several times a day, everyday all through high school. funny how life does that. but, the point is this; nothing happened. and quite realistically nothing was going to happen. although i suppose i did get her phone number out of it, if that counts for anything... and we did stay up really, really late talking. and i think we hit on some pretty heavy subjects at pretty exhaustive length about our lives. i dont get to do that with many people anymore. not in that type of setting. someone was talking to me about it the other night [cant remember who, i had like 93 windows open] but it came down to a sense of knowing someone well enough to have a conversation of that type. generally i have to say, people will talk to me about anything; but the real test is whether i can talk to them about anything; and then if its more than just them listening to me. do they actually care about what i said? that was the difference here. i think it was pretty clear that she and i both cared about what the other had to say; so with that as grounds; i can say i dont usually have talks with people of that variety. in fact i can only think of a handfull of people who i can do that with, and even then, maybe 1 or 2 females [not including her] that i could do that with... and 1 of them doesnt even speak to me anymore. its a short list indeed. ill write more tomorrow...too tired now.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection - Johnny Cash - Rock Island Line

i wish i could stay awake long enough to write more here tonight, but ill be lucky to scratch out whatever i do... its wednesday night... so that means i probably had a stats project due tomorrow, and thats right. its all done, but now im sitting at that precarious position; to sleep for 2.5 hours, or just to stay away through the whole day and deal with it. in all honesty i should be sleeping. not only am i tired enough to, but ive got macurh this weekend; which is likely to kick my ass. lots of stuff going on, and no time to sleep. turns out a very, very, very attractive friend of mine from high school wants to see me and go out on friday when i get to Cedar Falls. id be a fool to turn that down! as excited as i am about it, i havent really mentioned it to anyone yet. aside from jonah i think. i dunno why i havent. i mean, yeah i am stoked to see her. shes absolutely gorgeous, shes cool, shes allways been one of those level-headed normal people, that was trapped up in the popular crowd. so yeah. im happy about it. but im not. its not that im not. this isnt making sense is it? ive got reservations about seeing her; but its not her. i just dont know. im also totally satisfied in stating that im making this out to be more than it is. i made the joke the other day that the only reason shed have agreed to see me, must be because she forgot what i looked like. yeah thats probably true. time does that faces. time changes how we remember people. we keep this perfect picture of someone in our mind, and we carry it around for ourselves for years and years. and then time is cruel to us. time takes away, and strips out the beauty from the things we remember. time blanches our good looks, time robs us of our youth, time gives us maturity. it ages us. it changes us. so that some days when you get up, you wont recognize the person you see. and its not that they arent still the same person you remember them to be... its just that time has changed it all for you.

i tried to sit and think why i wouldnt be happy about meeting up with her. honestly my track record at this is pretty bad. i think of all the 'lets get together' dates ive had in the last few years... ZERO have worked out. doesnt matter if it was that girl from rhetoric, the girl from biology in high school, or even the girl you sat next to last semester in lecture.... it just doesnt work. i guess i expect too much out of it. maybe i just walk into it all with the wrong ideas. i approach it as meaning something more than seeing someone. i guess i address it as a genuine shot at something more. im usually wrong. i think some of the girls ive gone out with have been more impressed by what ive done and what i say that with me. i suppose it could make an interesting rainy-day lunch conversation, talking to someone about experiences as a student leader; or about galavanting around your hometown, telling stories of crap youve gotten into... but its much harder to imagine having an interesting conversation with me. scott tentds to say the things that arent quite like what you want to hear. and hes not easy to look at either. i suppose if i looked like brad pitt, and talked like a moron, id get farther... shit, its worked well for keanu reeves. but no. god 'blessed' me with the ability to think, not the ability to be coveted. its a disadvantage, and its an ace-in-the-hole all at once. i never really sat and thought about it all this way until after the first one of these 'reunion dates' as i call them. i was just shitting my pants in anticipation of seeing this girl again. then she brought a friend with. then the conversation started going sour. then i realized they were into my friends. then they were asking me to hook up the friend with my friend. then i started looking out the window alot. its tough to keep your interest in a conversation like that. i realized i wasnt the object of the discussion; and wouldnt likely add anything to it that they would appreciate. sometimes its a curse like that.

i never want to get too happy about these kind of things because i know they arent anything; but i start thinking that they might become something. and thats just a horrible approach to take. you end up getting sawed off at the knees alot like i do. one of those, 'oh so you just uh, came to see if i could get you an A in a class' rather than 'wow you dig me:? cool' nothing good ever comes out of this. i just find people want something out of me. thats allways a downer for it. about a big a downer as thinking to yourself, that maybe this girl actually wants to be seen in public with me. nah. thats not true either. you dont find that out till later on tho... when she asks to move to the table in the dark corner of the room, instead of the one by the window. hell how about when you get the ones that call you the day before and cancel; they tell you theyd rather just talk on the phone to you. then you know somethings up. or maybe when they look dissappointed when they see you the first time. you know somethings up then. and its not your stock value. its a bad spot to get into. its alot like dating someone that turns out to be totally different than you wanted. i think everyone can attest to something like that. you just get so built up on what your going to get; and you get to it. and its crap.

i also guess im apprehensive about it all because, really if it would work out... im not sure that i want to move on. theres stuff and people around me now, that id almost want to wait and see how it all works out first. before i start signing myself away. but its not bad. shed be great. prolly better than what id find around here. so why the doubt? i dunno. really i cant even make a good excuse for myself. if i look at my real odds, nothing is going to pan out here. im never going to get consideration. its just not going to happen. besides, i never have before. im allways the one who girls would rather not date. i frequently hear; "you dont count" "youre different" "i dont think of you that way" never any of the good answers you might want to hear. not even sporadically. you just dont hear it. its rough. sometimes i sit and think to myself, what the hell do you have to do to enusre that everytime you meet a girl; you get lumped in the friend only category? i dont know any more. even the girls you stop and go, woah, i want to play this one right... woah, this girl is different, dont do this like you do all the others. but it doesnt matter, its all the same heap of shit in the end. doesnt matter how bad it stinks in the meantime. i guess i can say i want more out of my options. id like to have an opportunity where id be the interesting one during a lunch date. id like a chance to be known as a viable option in the dating game, much more so than just 'that guy' i guess id like to get a fair shot at who i want, before i get turned away. im asking for alot more than im going to get anytime soon. i realize that. just as i realize, i know that whatever i tell myself about what could and couldnt happen; is whatever i want to make of it all. its nothing more than that. for me, its never going to be anything more than that.

im rambling... im delerious... im probably right...

ain't it fun~
s.

---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ---- SHORT ENTRY ----

ill keep this one short, i promise! just wanted to throw something up here to all of you out in viewo land that seem to read this... very cool. everyday im actually running into people who comment about this and want to see more or hate it or just cant stop reading it. very cool indeed. never thought this would be something that people would want to read; just thought of it as a storage locker for my thoughts really. kinda shocked that from my best guestimates; ive got about 50 loyal readers now. rock on. all i can say is wow, im impressed that all of you read this, and im even more impressed that you share this link out to people.... if my thoughts were drugs; id be a bonafide cartel by now. and i owe it all to my little thought junkies out there in viewo land. keep it up, ill keep writing, you keep reading; and well see where that leads us.

if you want to link me out, go for it: http://salvarad.blogspot.com

as always.... questions, comments, snide remarks... scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu

regular blogging activities will resume tomorrow or sometime after

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: Gilby Clarke - Black [live version]

" if i told you i could love you || i fear youll think im weak || ive never had a friend that was my lover || when i wake up from my sleep || and i feel you next to me || im so happy inside; but id be crushed if youd leave... || its so black.... its so black... no one understands my hell... || black... so black... im a stranger to myself "

its kinda funny... this song is one of those thats started out as me just liking the sound... turns out i really like the lyrics to it as well... sometimes its tough to come up with a song like that--where every piece of it sounds different everytime you hear it; and you start to like different parts of the song... but its not a complicated song. its pretty simple. guitars, distortion effects, little reverb... set a delay on the first part, and you can play the song by yourself. if youve got the same kinda croon that Gilbys got. which is another thing i really like about the mans songs... for the most part i can sing along with them. ah yes, granted i cant sing, id use the tone deaf excuse but its not true, im just awful at it. never liked it. but i do like singing along sometimes. plus i have pretty odd range when i do sing. anyways; whether i cant match pitches, have no talent and no range, still doesnt explain why his music is so easy and catchy. lot of his songs are about nothing much [even he admits this in interviews] just a bunch of songs he writes down; maybe not even conencted thoughts, just random songs or guitar licks he liked. interesting approach in this world of over-produced chart toppers; or musically motivated works, by performers that convince themselves [and us sometimes] that its about 'the music' when its just a bunch of complete crap [read: Radiohead, or similar band of your hatred]. its a nice approach to music. honestly i could pick prolly half a dozen of his songs as his best song. its kinda like that.

also somewhat musically related... GNR... GNR....GNR....GNR 6 days away. although alot of people on the 'net have spoiled the setlist, and lots of things have come up pointing out that this is nothing more than a 'warmup tour' [in axl's own words] it should be hard to pysche ones self into it... but its not. im still pretty thrilled about going-- although... it turns out none of my favorite songs have been getting played anywhere else in the country. which is a load of shit; some of those songs are the bread and butter of the group's musical presence and accomplishments... yet, this isnt the same band... this is the Axl Rose project as some are calling it.... this is a new breed of musicians with their own stories to tell i guess. even so, i still want to hear it. 6 fuckin days man... 6 fuckin days.

actually i was a bit surprised by you all... no one really asked me about the previous post... i had figured people would ask me about the dream or want to know more about it.. but no one really did. kinda surprised. honestly it did shake me up a bit. everything was so clear in it all, but like a dream the only things that were in focus were the things that wanted to be. i cant remember what color of paint they used on the walls, or whether the hallway was carpeted or tilled; or if i noticed everyones shoes were untied... everything that wasnt meant to be clear was left fuzzy. its frustrating like that. you want to sit and remember and make more sense out of something like that, and you just dont have any more details... i guess its like going to the beach, and trying to figure out who was there yesterday by the footprints---but not looking until after the tide has come and gone. almost everything, every trace of existence is gone now; except for those major things. what scares me the most about it all is some of the things in it that just haunt me. really, it haunts me. getting flowers from an ex on your funeral could do that... but BLACK fucking flowers... thats not right. and i really dont know who i was looking for to be there.... ok maybe i do, but im sharing that. i dont know why i focused on the empty chair so much; but i did thats what it was like. it wasnt even like i had a chance to think about it, or make myself angry about it; i just was. lots of things could bug me about it i guess is what im trying to say. but only a few things really did. i suppose its all just telling me things i allready knew, but dont want to see in life. its all the shit i choose to ignore or stuff i let go; and when im asleep and my mind starts cranking away, its there then... because im not awake to be on guard to defend against any of it anymore.

its all a game of defense anymore i get alot of "what the hell did you ever see in that girl" to defend... its tough to defend it, but come again, its easy to. i look to the bright spots and say thats why i did it; i can look back and say yeah, thats where i really realized i was ready for mature relationships. not yep, shes a bitch; fuck her. its defense. then theres the questions and things about what i do, that i myself doubt. its always been a common procedure for me to do it; but why is it i tend not to tell anyone when i have feelings for them... why is it i just sit back and let it go; hope they find out; hope i dont have to admit to it. then it becomes a game of strategy. thens its how do i go about this, without leaking anything. how do i keep on keeping on; without disclosing that to someone? how do you move around and move friendships and conversations forward when youd rather not. youd rather just sit and unload everything youve wanted to say, and you want them to go 'oh wow, i love you too!' happily ever after, birds in the sky, trumpets blaring all that kinda shit. but it doesnt work like that. you just dont say it. its part of the strategy. a defensive strategy. and its a way of playing the game not to get hurt. its playing it safe, its playing the game to keep the lead. its pathetic really. but its a way of holding on to what youve got and not having to step up to the line to shoot to defend it. its yours and its safe, and nothing is going to change, no ones going to laugh at you for it, its not going to make someone mad or uncomfortable to talk to you. so you strategize and you play defense. maybe thats what that empty chair was about. maybe its just my way of telling myself the frustrations i have in the strategy; and that its going to leave me emptyhanded. maybe thats what the black flowers meant. maybe thats just my way of telling myself why i play defense; why i keep it to myself. and maybe thats why i ended up dead. maybe thats just my way of telling myself its all going to end someday. i wont recognize myself in the end, i wont have what i want, and the failures of the past will still haunt me, even to my grave. maybe thats what its all about. maybe no one cares what i think. and in the end maybe thats what will do me in.

ain't it fun~
s.

Current Musical Selection: -none-

i really need to stop doing this... lately ive been eratic as all shit. some nights i sleep, some i dont. some days i sleep, some i dont. lately my whole world just seems to be spining slightly out of balance... kinda like the washing machine when you put lots of towels and jeans on one side... im not quite sure why either. i havent done anything new or different or had any of those 'life changing experiences' the magazines and telepreachers talk about... no major life pyscho-stressors either as Freud would call them... nothing seems to be really out of the ordinary. just plain, same old, nothing.

again its frustrating; because id like to have a reason to bitch and and be mad over... a good reason--something solid and definite, that i can rely on. "THIS FUCKED ME UP, AND IS STILL FUCKING WITH ME" something clear like that. but no. just nothing in my head more than the usual baggage i bring with. and i cant say that its even it this time. sure i get periodic spats of the past creeping back into my mind, but really not enough that would do anything to my sleep cycle like this. someone suggested maybe im bi-polar. boy thats fun. i doubt it. according to the DSM-IV i dont really have anything else that would clinically diagnose me with it. shit, im probably much closer to the defintion of schizophrenia than that. besides, bi-polarism tends to come in seasons, and this is one of my favorite seasons. doesnt make much sense.

i suppose i could just admit the obvious and just fess up that its life and my complications against my life that probably lead me where i am at 4 in the morning. maybe its man-ly not to do that. eitherway, id im sure my expression of anomie is probably somewhat to blame. all the studying and reading ive done with my life on the topic would be ironically fitting to see me come down under the paws of something like it. i wouldnt at all be surprised if someone sat down and studied my life, that they would find a great that great distance between my intentions with life, and where ive been dropped in the mean time. its probably not that either. but...

i had a really, really bad dream last night. and normally im not one to remember my dreams when i wake up. this one was different. this one has stuck with me since about 4am last night when it work me up... honestly i havent been able to sleep since [even stayed away from caffine today]. its pretty much me dead. hope you werent expecting anything cheerful. i dont really know what to make of it all... but this is how it all went. some of it is fuzzy, but it was so vivid and real to me. i can remember at the begining of it, looking down at my lap and seeing my hands-- and they dont look like my hands. but they are. it takes me a minute, just watching my hands move around, and turning over before i can even recognize them. nothing else is me tho. the pants and jacket arent mine. the shoes could be mine, but arent. the watch isnt mine. i dont smell like me. i feel my face and my beard is gone, i feel my head, and my hair is short. and im wearing glasses... i dont wear glasses. but i didnt notice that i was wearing any either... not until i felt them. its about then, that i remember wanting to scream or say something; when i realize im in a room full of people. people in chairs, people sitting next to me, infront of me, all around me. its not till then that i can hear the whispered conversations, some one sobbing softly behind me... someone laughing to my right. then i hear the organ music. its not real. its one of those crappy electric ones... i can tell by hearing it. its somewhere infront, but i cant see it. i cant see much of anything really. too many people. i remember looking around me, scanning for information... looking at all these faces.. mostly solemn... some just expressionless. and i dont recognize them. some of them i do. i recognize a kid from my freshman year. but maybe its not. he looks older. lots of people i see do. theres a teacher i had in high school.. he looks really old. theres that girl i used to have a crush on in jr. high. she looks different. all this looking; and i feel like im obvious in doing it--- but no one notices me. no one seems to catch my eyes. i look at them, but no one looks back at me. its eerie. so is the music. it seems familiar. the smell is bad in here too. smells like crappy air freshener.... like flowers.... it smells like funeral parlor or incense. i turn around in my seat, and i can see theres alot more rows... all pews.. im in a church i guess. big vaulted ceiling. lights and stained glass on the walls. its no church ive ever been in tho. i look back, and still no one looks at me. some old women is sitting behind me, dabbing her eyes with a frilly handkerchief. but i dont know her. or the kid sitting next to her. kinda reminds me of me. orange hair going every which way. bad looking brown suit, with tennis shoes siticking out. but i dont know him either. its surreal. then i notice the music again. this time i can place it. the last few bars are unmistakeable. they are playing some ' Zeppelin. its a bad organ rendition of Stairway to Heaven. im trying to settle back in to my seat, facing forward again, when i see the casket. im only about 3 rows back from the front, but id never noticed it. its brown. woodgrain. brass hardware on it. darkwood. maple or cherry maybe. cant tell from here. i guess its a funeral. the casket is open, but i cant see it well. cant see the face. its a white person, in a dark suit. light grey lining in open part. still i dont get it. theres not pictures of the deceased anywhere up front. few flowers. doesnt make sense. i can remember just sitting there. all these people around me, and there must be 200 if theres any; but theres no pictures or flowers. and i just wonder who the hell is this person that all these people come to their funeral, but no one cares enough to send flowers. my head hurts. i touch my face, it feels familiar, but its not. its like touching someone elses face with your hand... but my face feels like its being touched, but by someone elses hand... the two feelings just arent coinciding. i put my hand down in time to see my parents walk past me in the aisle. mom and dad. mom doesnt look too good. shes been crying alot. dad has too. but neither of them look really sad per say. dad helps mom sit down. then i see my brother and sister come in from a side door. megan doesnt seem bothered at all by this, and sam just looks frustrated. they look older. maybe 10 years... but not quite. dads bald spot is bigger, that i can see now that hes sitting down. but nothing else looks out of place. i kinda wonder why they didnt see me. just a sinking feeling of something not feeling right. i stand up and push my way over the guy sitting next to me. he nods as i grunt and move past. i recognize him. i know him from school, hes an administrator i deal with. but he doesnt recognize me, or look twice, so i keep moving. i get out into the aisle and look around. there are lots of people, and more comming in. and usher moves past me with some flowers. i recognize him. hes one of my best friends. i say something to him and he turns around. yeah its him. but he doesnt react. its like im some stranger. thats when i started sweating. i try to talk to him... but all i can come up with is something about directions to the restroom. he points with his head to the back of the church. i say something to him... thankyou or something... and as i turn i glance at the flowers. they are black. the tag is open. i can read the name signed on the bottom. why would she send flowers here? who the hell died??? its my ex-girlfriend's name [the one ive written about before in here]. i breathe deep and move out quickly. my heads moving fast, and my feet are slow. i pass rows and rows of people and i see them all, and i see none of them. some i know. some are kids from class, theres a friend from soc. theres that kid that works the desk. thats my TA from latin. thats a guy i used to sit next to in lecture. some people are family friends too. theres our neighbors from 10 years ago. theres some people from my parents church. i dont care tho. this doesnt seem right. i want out. i get most of the way to the back when my aunt mary-ann passes me with dave. they are walking up to the front. but neither seems to notice me. too many people here. its too wrong to be anything else than what im thinking it is.. i just want out of here. i get to the doors, and the guys there look at me; one hands me a bulletin. "In memoriam..." then a picture of my face. it doesnt look like me. but it is me. im older. my hair is short. im wearing a suit. no beard. i look thinner. but its me. my name is at the bottom. i feel like throwing up. cold sweat it just running down my neck. one of the ushers asks me if im allright... i dont say anything. he hands me a cigarette. i look at him. its another of my good friends from back home. only, he doesnt seem to recognize me. i take it. its menthol. i hate menthol. i tell him that. he laughs. he says, "yeah, scotty used to call these things pine trees" then he looks away. i force myself to laugh. its hard. i try to make small talk. the weathers nice... warm, but cloudy and dark. he says nothing. just nods. i turn away. i dont know what to say to him. im just thinking to myself what the fuck do you tell your best friend at your funeral? then i blurt it out. "did you see _ _ _ _ sent flowers?" he chokes on the drag hes taking. he closes his eyes "naw, i didnt... i didnt see that.. wow." i dont know what to say next. but it happens, like im not in control of it.. "think hed have liked that?" he stops, and looks into the church, then he answers me "i dunno man. he probably would. hed probably like it better if he didnt have to die to hear from her though" we both laugh uncomfortably. the cigarette helped. im calm.. but cold from the sweat. my hands are shaking. i call to him by the nickname i gave him. he turns and looks at me; like hes expecting to hear it from someone else... then he stares at me. i thank him for the smoke and i go inside. now im mad. im dead. my friends are here. no one knows me. people i dont speak to anymore, send me flowers, what the fuck happened to me? im walking fast and heavy up to the front. its just building in me. i can see people look at me. thats a kid from high school. thats a girl i worked with. over there is a guy that lives nextdoor. in the corner is a girl i dated once. they all look up at me as i go past, but nothing real. just a glance. long enough for me to see them. im walking faster, now i can hear my feet hitting the stone floor. i can feel the blood pounding in my head, but i dont stop. theres my shop teacher. thats a kid from my ball team theres two girls that live downstairs crying. my hands are clenching, and i wipe the sweat from my head. the veins are pounding in my head. my footsteps are loud now. theres two friends. theres a kid i picked on in grade school. thats my cub scout leader. thats my minister. hes standing up front by the casket. he looks at me. but i dont stop walking. i walk faster. im almost running. my head hurts, my muscles ache, im wringing my hands into fists. my footsteps are echoing. im squinting from the headache. theres a girl i kissed 2 summers ago. theres a couple friends from band. thats my boss and his girlfriend. thats some other admins from the university. thats my ra freshman year. i get to the front of the room. the music starts again. its canned music. at least that shitty organ is done with. its another bad rendition. its the Doors. its The End. there are some flowers up front now that im here. small ones, with tags. red mainly. some white. only one set thats black. they sit under the casket. i look left. theres my parents in the front. the rest of my family going off to the left of them. but right on the aisle-- right next to me--- the closest seat to the casket; its empty. its that grieving widow seat. and those fuckers left it empty. who the fuck are they fucking with? me. on my fucking funeral. and this is how they treat me? they fucking shove it right in my face. if that poor corpse would look out of the casket, the last thing hed see is he never had anyone, he fucking died alone. stupid. remind them all of that why dont you? remind them all he never amounted to shit. remind them how bad he wanted it, and how he never got it. on his fucking last day you do it to him. fucking assholes. no respect. no respect for this guy. and i dont know why im so mad. im not even thinking its me in there. im just thinking what nerve. what balls thats got to take to do that to someone. making this persons friends and family see that. make them see hes not leaving shit behind in the world. make them remember that the day they bury him. make them remember what he could never do. make them remember how no one cared. i look to my right; for something to hit. theres nothing. just another pew full of people. i know them all too. there all my friends.. the ushers. they are wearing black gloves now. sunglasses tucked into their jackets or pockets. they are my pallbearers. they look over at me. but not out of respect. but out of detest. like one of those 'who the fuck do you think you are?' stares. two of them are laughing on the end. "scott would hate this... hed be pissed if they played a shitty version of this song... hed prolly unplug it when no ones looking, right?" they laugh. "yeah, hed want to hear something good and loud man... hed want some 'Stones or GnR" they laugh again..its a forced laugh. but not that its not funny, or that its not true. just that it looks like its hard for them to laugh now. im tired of it now. i stride up to the casket. the hands are folded. they arent mine... those could be anyones hands. but they are mine. i see the jacket. ha! i dont have a suit like that, id never wear something like that... but its got my lapel pin on it. look at that tie; id never wear a tie like... no. thats my tie. i see the face. its cold looking. pale. flushed out.. its got some makeup on it. they do that to corpses... make it look like they are alive. but its not my hair cut. it doesnt look like my face. its not me. but it is. its all me. im older than i thought. maybe 30. 35 possibly. some wrinkles i dont have now. lots of gray in my hair. hairline is receeded. ive got glasses on. but thats me. god dammit thats me! now im mad. im looking at me. im looking at a dead me. its not me. i dont even recognize me. and how can i be looking at me? im starting to loose it. my head is reeling.. its tough to focus on things, i feel like im going to puke. i turn around so fast i almost fall down. i put my hand on the casket to steady my self. and everyone is looking at me. the music changes. its something i dont know.. something classical with strings. i dont know it. fuckit i dont want to hear it. but everyone is still looking at me. i see more people now, some standing in the back. ra's i know, a teacher or two, another kid from high school. id swear thats a stipper i met once years ago. thats some lawyer i know. thats a cop. but im not seeing who im looking for. you arent around. i see that empty chair again as i squint... my head hurts im getting dizzy... then i just feel my feet slide out, and i fall down. im on laying in a pile under my casket and i ram my head into something. i can feel the blood oozing out of my forehead now. it hurts, im dizzy, its wet, but warm... i try to sit up and squint.. everyones looking at me... im on my side and i look over... and i see the black flowers inches from my face... i see the dirt that spilled out of the broken flower pot. and now i see the bright red blood on the black petals. the room is all dark. and thats when i woke up. thats all i remember.