addendum::::
just after writing the last entry, i decided to check my email... i dunno why, but i did. then i accidently hit the 'saved mail' button on outlook... and i find myself staring back at some mail thats two years old... dated today. i didnt want to read it. i allready know what it said. but i did. i couldnt avoid it. i made myself stop looking at it adn try to go to sleep... and i tried but i couldnt. i just lay awake trying not to think, and i found myself thinking more about it.... so i find myself here again...
people always ask me, what happened that made you so bitter... it takes alot. it takes a lot to bring someone down, and id like to think it takes a hell of alot to get to me... so what kind of shit can you actually do to get to Scott... realize there was much, much more than this, but how about just one excerpt that i cant stop thinking about, thats staring me cold in the face...
" October 16th, 2000
Scott~
Hi. I just wanted you to know that I received your gift and I thought it was very sweet...but unnecessary. I don't think it was appropriate for you to give me anything like that. I know that you have feelings for me, but you have to know that I don't share those feelings, and I never will, and never with you again. When you give a person something it is usually to try and start a relationship with them. We can't have that...I can't have that... and I don't want that. You are nothing that I would ever want in my life, and you just cant seem to understand that no matter how I try to tell you. I honestly don't know why you do what you do. I've moved on. ------- is better than you ever will be, and nothing is going to change that, no matter how much you hate it or wan't it to change. I'm not attracted to you, and I dont know why anyone ever would be. I know that you will probably be angry with me for writing this but I needed to say these things. These are my feelings and I'm just letting you know how I feel. I don't mean to be blunt or hurtful. But I have to now. "
its been a long, long time since id read that. i can honestly remember the feeling of my heart hitting my feet when i read it. i knew she meant it. and im sure if shed even talk to me today, shed tell me the same thing. that i am nothing, and that i am never going to be better than the alternative. its not something i try to think about anymore. its just something you put in the back pocket, and go about your day with. and should the need arise, you can pull that out and refer to it, and then everything makes sense.
its tough reading that i know. im not sure why i posted it... i guess its just something i figured id put up here for everyone to maybe understand me better. i threw out a lot of stuff like that. she had written me off and on alot like that. most of what i said was equally nasty in places. but that was the woman i loved at the time. and i still dont get it. i guess i dont understand how you spend all your time, and you do everything right, and you get bit in the ass like that. she had been hospitalized for something or other, and really wasnt doing too well... as soon as i found out where she was, i skipped my classes, hitched a ride home with some guy i dont know, just to make it back to see her. when i got to the hospital she was gone. she wasnt at home or at her dorm. she wasnt dead either. appearantly she got released, although i disagree with the doctor who signed it... so she gets heavily sedated and medicated, and goes home to drink and party in time for homecomming. i felt pretty used. id come all that way just to see her, and i find out that shes out drinking and partying, and ends up going into convulsions and vommitting, passing out and having random men strip her and put her in bed [atleast thats how she woke up]. i didnt know what else to do. so i left the present i bought for her at school. it was a big stuffed gorilla, because i knew she liked monkeys alot. and thats the letter i got back from her for it. no mention of me doing the right thing, or being thanked for it. no mention of gee that was sweet of you, but wrong. just, my new boyfriend is better than you ever were. she and i actually talked after this... months later. still didnt get any appology for it. she just glossed past it like nothing happened.
and this was only one episode of many, many between us. and she was the one i really thought was it. i could see myself with her forever. and instead, i wind up thinking about it forever. i never truely understood what went wrong. i tried to do everything right. so i guess i should feel so bad when i look around, and try to do what i do, and i get struck down. because i can remember a time when; even when i did everything right... i still got fucked. and that haunts me. i cant always remember the words, but i can remember her voice. i can remember being told things. i can remember good times and bad. i can remember feeling so low, after something like this, that i didnt even know how to feel. and i can remember making her so happy at times shed choke back tears. not that i made her happy very often it would seem. no, what i did learn from these memories is exactly what she told me... that id never be better than the replacement, and im probably nothing anyone would ever want in their life. thats something that sticks with you. thats something that hangs in your head in the dark, and keeps you from sleeping. alot of times you let it roll off your back. but some nights, it keeps you from sleeping agian.
s.
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Zakk Wylde - Spoke In The Wheel
"lord i question whether ive had my fill... lord i question whether i can take much more.... you may laugh as i lie here bleeding... no more afters or befores.... "
weekends are worth my time really. ive found that all out. no motion for discovery. just happenstance. weekends, i thought, were supposed to be my time away from time.. really my time off from anything. ive found out, that my weekends are just as much on the clock as my weeks. hell i allready lost my weeknights to it... why not throw my weekends on the grill too? just burn it all, into once nice, neat pile of ash. throw my observations and dreams in there too... they will burn well. wouldnt want that fire to burn out anytime soon, would we? toss that log of 'aspirations' in there, maybe that one too; marked 'leisure', get that one in there.
i had alot of things going this weekend. for certain reasons, i wont say what alot of them entailed, beyond speaking at Drake Univ. in Des Moines. i did go into the weekend with other intentions, with other ideas, or pretenses. once again, i walked into it all face first. i suppose a certain element of that is just me being me, doing me things. unfortunately, alot of that collides pretty well with other people doing other things. you walk into it all expecting something; say like a nice quiet lunch with someone; and you end up with a run around and hassle and a platefull of crap. its not at all what i envisioned happening; but, thats what i got. so many times i could have sat and told myself, what are you doing here? and walked away. just dissappeared, no harm no foul, no nothing. but, i tried that fucking optimistic card. that one in a million shot. the one that even the Dealer laughs at when you shoot for. why take those kinds of risks anymore. i used to believe in playing the safe bets. somewhere along the line i decided to go for broke, and just try to ride out luck and play the big odds. neither of them are getting me any closer to where i want to be.
i guess i really shouldnt say too much. ive learned that it seems like the only people who tend to read the entries, that you wouldnt think would, do. for that ive learned my lesson. but just for once tho, id really like something to work out for me. im not asking for alot, not asking for full and complete nirvana; not asking for a one-ness with the universe. just a good thing. here and there. just this once. just let one plan, one goal, one happy thought go through. this weekend showed me that cant happen. even the most innocent of things can turn into the most painful of experiences. this is my fault for always saying that i was through with it all, but keep going on. really, im done. i just dont think its even possible for me to even try to find what im looking for. it doesnt exist. and if it did, its gone by now. the Ark wouldnt just be lying around all this time would it? someone would have grabbed it by now. i should learn that the unnattainable is just that. dont try for it, you cant get it. rejected.
if you dont know what im talking about, you probably wont ever catch on to it anyway. i was like you once. maybe i still am; maybe thats why i keep grasping for what burns me. i used to think that, what ever you wanted would come to you if you wanted it bad enough. thats not true. then i learned that youve got to go out and proactively seek what you want. im finding out that doesnt work either. i suppose i could keep walking around life, trying to pick up whats on the shopping list. but there isnt a point if the store never has it. thats what ive come to. before i may have been optimistic enough to say, "it could happen, its not likely" im now taking the stance that "its not going to happen"
i never thought it was much to ask for, but i know better now. dont ask for it. dont ever presume. dont have hope. know that history, no matter how ugly it might be, is your best asset for calculating the future. if thats the case, then i better hope i dont have a bright future, because the past has shown me otherwise.
" someday youll know just how i feel... you left me there twice before... someday youll know just how it feels... shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride. like you were never nothing special... made to feel like another spoke in the wheel.... "
other than that i guess i dont have much really to speak about... maybe in a day or so something will find me. trouble always does.
ain't it fun~
s.
"lord i question whether ive had my fill... lord i question whether i can take much more.... you may laugh as i lie here bleeding... no more afters or befores.... "
weekends are worth my time really. ive found that all out. no motion for discovery. just happenstance. weekends, i thought, were supposed to be my time away from time.. really my time off from anything. ive found out, that my weekends are just as much on the clock as my weeks. hell i allready lost my weeknights to it... why not throw my weekends on the grill too? just burn it all, into once nice, neat pile of ash. throw my observations and dreams in there too... they will burn well. wouldnt want that fire to burn out anytime soon, would we? toss that log of 'aspirations' in there, maybe that one too; marked 'leisure', get that one in there.
i had alot of things going this weekend. for certain reasons, i wont say what alot of them entailed, beyond speaking at Drake Univ. in Des Moines. i did go into the weekend with other intentions, with other ideas, or pretenses. once again, i walked into it all face first. i suppose a certain element of that is just me being me, doing me things. unfortunately, alot of that collides pretty well with other people doing other things. you walk into it all expecting something; say like a nice quiet lunch with someone; and you end up with a run around and hassle and a platefull of crap. its not at all what i envisioned happening; but, thats what i got. so many times i could have sat and told myself, what are you doing here? and walked away. just dissappeared, no harm no foul, no nothing. but, i tried that fucking optimistic card. that one in a million shot. the one that even the Dealer laughs at when you shoot for. why take those kinds of risks anymore. i used to believe in playing the safe bets. somewhere along the line i decided to go for broke, and just try to ride out luck and play the big odds. neither of them are getting me any closer to where i want to be.
i guess i really shouldnt say too much. ive learned that it seems like the only people who tend to read the entries, that you wouldnt think would, do. for that ive learned my lesson. but just for once tho, id really like something to work out for me. im not asking for alot, not asking for full and complete nirvana; not asking for a one-ness with the universe. just a good thing. here and there. just this once. just let one plan, one goal, one happy thought go through. this weekend showed me that cant happen. even the most innocent of things can turn into the most painful of experiences. this is my fault for always saying that i was through with it all, but keep going on. really, im done. i just dont think its even possible for me to even try to find what im looking for. it doesnt exist. and if it did, its gone by now. the Ark wouldnt just be lying around all this time would it? someone would have grabbed it by now. i should learn that the unnattainable is just that. dont try for it, you cant get it. rejected.
if you dont know what im talking about, you probably wont ever catch on to it anyway. i was like you once. maybe i still am; maybe thats why i keep grasping for what burns me. i used to think that, what ever you wanted would come to you if you wanted it bad enough. thats not true. then i learned that youve got to go out and proactively seek what you want. im finding out that doesnt work either. i suppose i could keep walking around life, trying to pick up whats on the shopping list. but there isnt a point if the store never has it. thats what ive come to. before i may have been optimistic enough to say, "it could happen, its not likely" im now taking the stance that "its not going to happen"
i never thought it was much to ask for, but i know better now. dont ask for it. dont ever presume. dont have hope. know that history, no matter how ugly it might be, is your best asset for calculating the future. if thats the case, then i better hope i dont have a bright future, because the past has shown me otherwise.
" someday youll know just how i feel... you left me there twice before... someday youll know just how it feels... shattered, cast aside, stripped of your pride. like you were never nothing special... made to feel like another spoke in the wheel.... "
other than that i guess i dont have much really to speak about... maybe in a day or so something will find me. trouble always does.
ain't it fun~
s.
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Current Musical Selection: No Doubt - Dont Speak
short entry tonight. seems of late, all hell must break loose. from 3 hour executive meetings, to just plain rediculous amounts of homework and class assignments, to the more everpresent interpersonal turmoil of people around me; nothing it seems will stay remotely sane for 10 minutes anymore. really the only good things to speak of include my selection to lecture at Drake University on saturday to the res hall student body; and that i received my absentee ballot in the mail. and yes, i did actually vote democrat on a choice or two... i do remember marking Joe Seng, who actually served quite well as my neighboring district alderman; for whatever he was running for. sorry party! the big questions tho; i went for gross and ganske. ganske/harkin was a somewhat difficult choice; although i do have alot of respect for harkin and what hes done, and he does fight for iowa interests [what ever those might be]; just that i think its time to change up some of the political make up in the land. for the same reason i voted nussle over hutchinson; anne hutchinson annoys me; she'd have been better off to stay in her secure mayor slot in bettendorf for a 4th term or whatever it would be.
other random thoughts. || homework is killing me. a group presentation, midterm, vocab quiz, plus 2 chapters worth of homework and workbook all due this week in latin; a 2 day massive presentation on minority subject matter for dir democ class; quiz and papers due in stats; paper topic and quiz in bible history; and massive amounts of reading in law to cover this week... really none of it seems fair; each class is also assigning a paper in addition to all of this crap, that will be due within a week of each other; doesnt leave much time for me to do much. well see how i hold up closer to finals week. || working on this arh valentines day project is giving me flashbacks to vdays of the past. i guess its pretty selfish of me to not want to proceed with the project just because i dont like valentines day [and yes i do realize its not even halloween yet]. i was hoping this year wouldnt be much different, and id be able to stay in bed all day, skip classes, and just forget that day every occured. but as its shaping up, that doesnt look like it will be much of a reality. ill probably be stuck in the middle of all these kids and their 'love' for others... infact, ill be the one dolling out said 'love' in the forms of cookies... such irony in it all. the one person who has had the absolute worst track record of v'days; becomes responsible for ensuring everyone has a spectacular vday this year. i hate the idea. no one else really seems to notice. and i guess if i was a girl or sentimental, or was in a different situation, yeah i might appreciate the project; but its just really something hard to swallow when youve been through the wars like have. i suppose i could allways be chipper about it all, appearantly the way that all of you viewers have been about this; but i really dont expect to see any change for myself this year, nothing markedly different than the past few. but its funny what youll tell yourself sometimes just to think different about it all. i can remember being at home on my birthday, and staring at my candles and making that one stuipd birthday wish. not to jinx it, but it hasnt come true yet. maybe thats sad, and maybe its sad that i thought it might come true. either way, ill will be sitting in sappiness of pink and red hearts before i know it. allmost makes me wish id suggested something for halloween or a cool holliday like that instead of what i did.... || sounds like i could get to go home for part of the weekend.... ive joked alot about what home really is; but honestly im not far from the truth... i havent seen it since i moved here in early august. not that id get to spend much time there, just maybe it would be enough to partially recharge my batteries... getting to sleep in my big comfy bed, thats not 9 feet in the air! like i said in other posts, im allways a bit hesitant to go back to davenport. there really are alot of people and memories in that town still, that i just dont think i want to wade around in anymore. not that i can deny what all has happened, just its alot easier to forget it all when your not there. little things just appear when you go to the grocery store, or pull up to a car at a stop light.. you see people and things, that you just dont want to see anymore. maybe some more tomorrow... more likely friday before i leave..
ain't if fun~
s.
short entry tonight. seems of late, all hell must break loose. from 3 hour executive meetings, to just plain rediculous amounts of homework and class assignments, to the more everpresent interpersonal turmoil of people around me; nothing it seems will stay remotely sane for 10 minutes anymore. really the only good things to speak of include my selection to lecture at Drake University on saturday to the res hall student body; and that i received my absentee ballot in the mail. and yes, i did actually vote democrat on a choice or two... i do remember marking Joe Seng, who actually served quite well as my neighboring district alderman; for whatever he was running for. sorry party! the big questions tho; i went for gross and ganske. ganske/harkin was a somewhat difficult choice; although i do have alot of respect for harkin and what hes done, and he does fight for iowa interests [what ever those might be]; just that i think its time to change up some of the political make up in the land. for the same reason i voted nussle over hutchinson; anne hutchinson annoys me; she'd have been better off to stay in her secure mayor slot in bettendorf for a 4th term or whatever it would be.
other random thoughts. || homework is killing me. a group presentation, midterm, vocab quiz, plus 2 chapters worth of homework and workbook all due this week in latin; a 2 day massive presentation on minority subject matter for dir democ class; quiz and papers due in stats; paper topic and quiz in bible history; and massive amounts of reading in law to cover this week... really none of it seems fair; each class is also assigning a paper in addition to all of this crap, that will be due within a week of each other; doesnt leave much time for me to do much. well see how i hold up closer to finals week. || working on this arh valentines day project is giving me flashbacks to vdays of the past. i guess its pretty selfish of me to not want to proceed with the project just because i dont like valentines day [and yes i do realize its not even halloween yet]. i was hoping this year wouldnt be much different, and id be able to stay in bed all day, skip classes, and just forget that day every occured. but as its shaping up, that doesnt look like it will be much of a reality. ill probably be stuck in the middle of all these kids and their 'love' for others... infact, ill be the one dolling out said 'love' in the forms of cookies... such irony in it all. the one person who has had the absolute worst track record of v'days; becomes responsible for ensuring everyone has a spectacular vday this year. i hate the idea. no one else really seems to notice. and i guess if i was a girl or sentimental, or was in a different situation, yeah i might appreciate the project; but its just really something hard to swallow when youve been through the wars like have. i suppose i could allways be chipper about it all, appearantly the way that all of you viewers have been about this; but i really dont expect to see any change for myself this year, nothing markedly different than the past few. but its funny what youll tell yourself sometimes just to think different about it all. i can remember being at home on my birthday, and staring at my candles and making that one stuipd birthday wish. not to jinx it, but it hasnt come true yet. maybe thats sad, and maybe its sad that i thought it might come true. either way, ill will be sitting in sappiness of pink and red hearts before i know it. allmost makes me wish id suggested something for halloween or a cool holliday like that instead of what i did.... || sounds like i could get to go home for part of the weekend.... ive joked alot about what home really is; but honestly im not far from the truth... i havent seen it since i moved here in early august. not that id get to spend much time there, just maybe it would be enough to partially recharge my batteries... getting to sleep in my big comfy bed, thats not 9 feet in the air! like i said in other posts, im allways a bit hesitant to go back to davenport. there really are alot of people and memories in that town still, that i just dont think i want to wade around in anymore. not that i can deny what all has happened, just its alot easier to forget it all when your not there. little things just appear when you go to the grocery store, or pull up to a car at a stop light.. you see people and things, that you just dont want to see anymore. maybe some more tomorrow... more likely friday before i leave..
ain't if fun~
s.
Sunday, October 06, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - Under My Thumb
sorry.. not going to say a thing about the 'Stones... you should allready know how much i love the Stones. this song in particular tho... well i love this song.. it first shows up on the Aftermath lp, back in like waaaay the hell back in 66... [i own Aftermath in 4 formats now... mp3; cassette; cd; 1st reprinting vinyl!] probably overshadowed by Paint It Black, or the bouncy-ier lesser known, High and Dry; Under My Thumb has been a favorite of mine since i first heard it. it brings back memories of a girl i was trying to get with back home; [not the one i usually talk about], and how it never really worked. made me pretty mad, not that my feelings were that overly strong for her, just to get shut down. she was a great girl. smart, quirky, loads of fun to be with, cute, a good friend too... lots of similar tastes in music and things. but, as it goes, scott either fucks it up in the end; or is just categorically denied for being scott. either way, i remember driving home in my car, aimlessly really, one night after talking to her; and this song kicked on the radio; and i remember two things. 1- how much i loved this song 2-how i forgot how surreal song lyrics could be. and yeah, as it all turned out i was down for the count with her; but as the song goes, i eventually placed her under my thumb. and thats been that. tables had turned, and now its just weird if were ever around each other. one more reason and one more name for me to stay away from Davenport.
------
well today was an expensive day... possibly one of the most expensive of my life to date. granted school, cars and appliances are all much more expensive... this day was on pure luxury... i called bright and early today to get my tickets to GnR at the Mark... that was just under 200 bucks all said and done... but... im in the 15th FUCKING ROW PEOPLE!!!! three seats for that price, at that location; totally worth it. this is a once in a lifetime concert for me... i missed out on GnR about 10 years ago, and there is no way im missing it this time. none.
after that, i spent 30 bucks on the 'Stones 40 Licks cd... i could have gone for 40 bucks, and gotten the limited edition box set.. and in retrospect i should have. it came with some cool stuff... but, this purchase still makes me happy; aside from the fact i have most of these songs in one form or another. the one thing i dislike about the 'Stones records are the amounts of repeats they do... each album probably has atleast one song from another album on it... gets annoying... its prolly good marketing/sales thinking to put Gimmie Shelter on 4 different cds [and im not counting singles folks!]; but its rather redundant. besides, its not like the 'Stones have problems selling cds. each member is a multi-multi millionare several times over... enough so their familiy's prolly wont manage to squander away the inherited wealth after they finnally depart. but, i dont mind giving them my money. show me a band thats more recognized, thats sold more records, and can produced better music dollar for dollar that the gang, and ill give them my money. 'nuff said. also browsed the vinyl racks today in town... lets say i cut myself off late, but late is better than too late. couple other good buys that will go into that collection; which is slowly growing. im still looking for what eludes me; which are printings of all the GnR albums on vinyl; and i know they do exist... even the rare gem of Live Like A Suicide, and the banned AFD cover album. im not in it to collect per se, im in it for the music... im not too broken up to find the sleeve is mangled some, or stained; or even present... as long as that vinyl plays, id be happy. anyone who's looking to get me a 'scott will love you forever' gift for scott, just look for one of them. that or the massively awesome 70 dollars of goodness that the Stones complete boxed set would offer me thats out at Coralridge Mall...
nothing else much... i suppose i could make a few comments about my prior post; but honest to god i really want to move off the subject. some people i know obsess over things like that; i really dotn want to find myself in the same practice. really i think my best medicine for it all is just total innoculation. --- shoot me full of the shit, and just let me be, and hope it makes me immune to it all later on. and it is. slowly, and surely, bit by aching bit; i move through the 'relationship' ponderings and feelings with succesively less and less thought, and more speed. i move with the speed and efficiency of a well versed man; knowing it doesnt matter in the end. i see these girls, and i see what they do; and i dont get excited. these girls see me, and see what i do; and they run the other way. should one happen to find me hunting it down, or for act of god, attach themselves to me; it wont last long. eventually history will run its course, and it will cease to be. then i can just go back to being me again. id be lying if i said i didnt like the feeling i got from it all, or that i didnt enjoy having a person to appreciate and vice versa; but its not worth taking a hammer to face every time for a glimpse of it. even a sleep-deprived ape can learn not to grab the grape thats sitting on plate, wired to shock box; and it doesnt really matter how good that grape can taste, you know your ass is going to get buzzed good for it in the end. got an email from a viewer telling me i was out and out wrong to discount myself totally from the love world just because of my past falterings and hangups. if nothing else, you all are ever the optimists. i guess you all deserve credit where credit is due; unfortunately, im going to call your bluffs. i dont think anything is going to change, and i dont expect a change. i guess i expect to live my life, with me and for me, and thats about all im going to get to work with. theres enough family and friends to sprinkle in to bat the depression away; and really isnt that all i can ask for? just to give me enough to keep going. because once that stops; and once ive got what i want... i wont keep going. no one would. why charge up that next hill when this one has good cover? you charge up that hill because if you dont, Charley will. i know ill end up some day. dont know how, or where or with what. i just know ill end up at somepoint.
ain't if fun~
s.
sorry.. not going to say a thing about the 'Stones... you should allready know how much i love the Stones. this song in particular tho... well i love this song.. it first shows up on the Aftermath lp, back in like waaaay the hell back in 66... [i own Aftermath in 4 formats now... mp3; cassette; cd; 1st reprinting vinyl!] probably overshadowed by Paint It Black, or the bouncy-ier lesser known, High and Dry; Under My Thumb has been a favorite of mine since i first heard it. it brings back memories of a girl i was trying to get with back home; [not the one i usually talk about], and how it never really worked. made me pretty mad, not that my feelings were that overly strong for her, just to get shut down. she was a great girl. smart, quirky, loads of fun to be with, cute, a good friend too... lots of similar tastes in music and things. but, as it goes, scott either fucks it up in the end; or is just categorically denied for being scott. either way, i remember driving home in my car, aimlessly really, one night after talking to her; and this song kicked on the radio; and i remember two things. 1- how much i loved this song 2-how i forgot how surreal song lyrics could be. and yeah, as it all turned out i was down for the count with her; but as the song goes, i eventually placed her under my thumb. and thats been that. tables had turned, and now its just weird if were ever around each other. one more reason and one more name for me to stay away from Davenport.
------
well today was an expensive day... possibly one of the most expensive of my life to date. granted school, cars and appliances are all much more expensive... this day was on pure luxury... i called bright and early today to get my tickets to GnR at the Mark... that was just under 200 bucks all said and done... but... im in the 15th FUCKING ROW PEOPLE!!!! three seats for that price, at that location; totally worth it. this is a once in a lifetime concert for me... i missed out on GnR about 10 years ago, and there is no way im missing it this time. none.
after that, i spent 30 bucks on the 'Stones 40 Licks cd... i could have gone for 40 bucks, and gotten the limited edition box set.. and in retrospect i should have. it came with some cool stuff... but, this purchase still makes me happy; aside from the fact i have most of these songs in one form or another. the one thing i dislike about the 'Stones records are the amounts of repeats they do... each album probably has atleast one song from another album on it... gets annoying... its prolly good marketing/sales thinking to put Gimmie Shelter on 4 different cds [and im not counting singles folks!]; but its rather redundant. besides, its not like the 'Stones have problems selling cds. each member is a multi-multi millionare several times over... enough so their familiy's prolly wont manage to squander away the inherited wealth after they finnally depart. but, i dont mind giving them my money. show me a band thats more recognized, thats sold more records, and can produced better music dollar for dollar that the gang, and ill give them my money. 'nuff said. also browsed the vinyl racks today in town... lets say i cut myself off late, but late is better than too late. couple other good buys that will go into that collection; which is slowly growing. im still looking for what eludes me; which are printings of all the GnR albums on vinyl; and i know they do exist... even the rare gem of Live Like A Suicide, and the banned AFD cover album. im not in it to collect per se, im in it for the music... im not too broken up to find the sleeve is mangled some, or stained; or even present... as long as that vinyl plays, id be happy. anyone who's looking to get me a 'scott will love you forever' gift for scott, just look for one of them. that or the massively awesome 70 dollars of goodness that the Stones complete boxed set would offer me thats out at Coralridge Mall...
nothing else much... i suppose i could make a few comments about my prior post; but honest to god i really want to move off the subject. some people i know obsess over things like that; i really dotn want to find myself in the same practice. really i think my best medicine for it all is just total innoculation. --- shoot me full of the shit, and just let me be, and hope it makes me immune to it all later on. and it is. slowly, and surely, bit by aching bit; i move through the 'relationship' ponderings and feelings with succesively less and less thought, and more speed. i move with the speed and efficiency of a well versed man; knowing it doesnt matter in the end. i see these girls, and i see what they do; and i dont get excited. these girls see me, and see what i do; and they run the other way. should one happen to find me hunting it down, or for act of god, attach themselves to me; it wont last long. eventually history will run its course, and it will cease to be. then i can just go back to being me again. id be lying if i said i didnt like the feeling i got from it all, or that i didnt enjoy having a person to appreciate and vice versa; but its not worth taking a hammer to face every time for a glimpse of it. even a sleep-deprived ape can learn not to grab the grape thats sitting on plate, wired to shock box; and it doesnt really matter how good that grape can taste, you know your ass is going to get buzzed good for it in the end. got an email from a viewer telling me i was out and out wrong to discount myself totally from the love world just because of my past falterings and hangups. if nothing else, you all are ever the optimists. i guess you all deserve credit where credit is due; unfortunately, im going to call your bluffs. i dont think anything is going to change, and i dont expect a change. i guess i expect to live my life, with me and for me, and thats about all im going to get to work with. theres enough family and friends to sprinkle in to bat the depression away; and really isnt that all i can ask for? just to give me enough to keep going. because once that stops; and once ive got what i want... i wont keep going. no one would. why charge up that next hill when this one has good cover? you charge up that hill because if you dont, Charley will. i know ill end up some day. dont know how, or where or with what. i just know ill end up at somepoint.
ain't if fun~
s.
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
Current Musical Selection: GnR - Civil War
one of the great songs of the early 90's, that wasnt grunge, and that wasnt pop... heavy with guitars and feeling, but in a different way than the grunge movement registered with people; unfortunately it never really did register with people. instead it proves to be one of the gems of the Use Your Illusions project; coupled with Estranged, 'Rain, and Breakdown [among any that i could have listed], it shows the power that the band could play with, still within the limits of the softer 'ballad'esqe lyrical content...
" look at the shoes your filling // look at the blood were spilling // look at the world were killing, // the way weve always done before... // look at the doubt weve wallowed // look at the leaders weve followed // look at the lives weve swallowed // and i dont want to hear no more // my hands are tied // for all ive seen has changed my mind // but still the wars go on and the years go by // with no love for God or human rights // and all these dreams are swept aside // by the bloodied hands of the hypnotized // to carry the cross of homocide // and then history bears the scars of our civil wars.. "
40 days until GnR roughly. maybe on that day ill be happy. at this point, ill be going by myself, and i couldnt think of a better way to enjoy myself. no one i know appreciates the music for what it is; hell no one i know even listens to it. so what if its been 10 years since theyve toured, and so what if its a totally new band; its about finding happiness in a void. ive actually asked a few people to go. no Yes's yet. a couple Maybe's. several blanket No's. its ok, id have to sit and teach them all the lyrics to every song so they dont look out of place... and thats alot of work. in the next few weeks im actually going to have to familiarize myself with some songs better... rumor is axl is playing alot of old, old material from Appetite... ; even though i like the Illusions albums better. well see in 40 days...
------
so i missed classes today. yeah, it was wednesday. not anything that makes me overly sad about it. maybe thats what im scared of. missing classes means nothing to me anymore. only in some classes where the work piles up from it, do i ever feel any sense of remorse for it... but skipping classes isnt something to be proud of. at the price tag im paying to go here, missing isnt a smart thing to do....buuuut what do i miss? just random teachers reading from the text books; random kids snoring in class; maybe one or two paragraphs of notes about something that doesnt particularly concern me or my future well-being. i guess more importantly, its just another cold seat in some lecture hall somewhere on campus. in the end it costs the University X amount of dollars to heat the room that my body would be warming; and so they see that in the end.... but nothing for me. nothing that says, gee Scott, we missed you in class... gee Scott, were sorry to hear that our whiny leftist lectures dont interest you, well do something that will interest you. nothing like that. just the same bs.
walking to and from class isnt much better. i wear darksunglasses. not only do they shield my eyes from the sunlight, but it shields them metaphorically from the kids and sluts around me. everyone around here is similar in what they want, even the ones that deny it. categorically; some people i know, will deny everything of the lifestyle thats so repitiously indulged upon around here; yet they too find themselves in the same lot. i shield my eyes from it. i dont want what everyone else gets around here. i dont want to get plastered 4 of 7 nights a week; i dont want a random girl in my bed; and i dont want to do the bare minimum. but thats what they are handing out around here.... the bare minimum; with a double of 'to get you through' sprinkled in every other round.
i used to think college would be about so much more than all this. but now all i do; is find myself playing mind-numbing videogames, and hiding in my room or office.... away from other people. someone once laughed at me for being a sociology major, that hates people; but its correct. id much rather find myself alone in my room than with the gross population around me. i find strikingly few things in common with them anymore, and thats discouraging. it means i find myself sitting here, ranting about nothing in particular, to no one in particular. funny isnt it? my release from dealing with people [of which i hate dealing with] is to mindlessly jabber at other people [ie - all of you]... not so much funny as it is ironic i suppose... but then again, i probably missed that day of class on grammer and parts of speech.
" i dont need your civil war // it feeds the rich while it buries the poor // your power hungry, sell souls in a human grocery store // aint that fresh? // i dont need your civil war // no i dont need your civil war... "
someone was talking to me late last night about relationships. for whatever reason we started talking about our expectations for the future. it kinda floored him when i said i didnt have any. infact his comment was, "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" and maybe it does. i dont know; i guess when it comes to expecting things you cant count on, it seems more futile to me than counting stars. do i ever EXPECT to be married? -- no. do i ever EXPECT to actually have a relationship with someone again? -- no. but would i LIKE to get married --- yes, would i LIKE to have a relationship with someone again?-- yes. two different questions that i guess, i seem to keep separate, while everyone else around seems to mince together. the expectation revolves around the occurance; and in the end, we all want that occurance, right? but what happens when that falls short? i guess no one expects to get divorced 5 times; or no one expects to have their heartbroken; but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen... and that doesnt mean i dont want it to happen; it just means i dont want to incurr those types of things anymore. i think ive spent my time in hell rather well; ive learned alot; ive learned how to be treated, and how to treat. but that doesnt mean that anyone else has. besides... lets hit the reality button here; im not going to win a beauty pagent... lets just stipulate to that... so then if im equal to anyone else who has paid their dues and learned; why would some girl pick me over the cute guy? they wouldnt. i wouldnt ask them to, and i wouldnt expect them to. i guess thats the earthshattering reality people never want to admit to. i didnt find it so hard. all those years seem to make alot more sense now when i think of it all that way. sure, being stoodup to a dance doesnt seem so out of place when you can go with a cute guy. and yeah, setting up some cruel jokes on or sending the overly attractive girls in school to fuck with this guy's head, doesnt seem so out of place. in a way i guess its their way of re-inforcing it all home again... which again is ironic, isnt it? we spend so much of our lives not believing what everyone is telling us. all those times when they left notes about me being creepy and a looser, that was just the truth, wasnt it? and all those times i got dumped on by girls, that was just to prove the point, right? my only question is how would anyone ever expect something from nothing. magic and act of God aside, it just doesnt happen. i suppose my view of it all is skewed because i guess ive finally heard what everyone has been telling me for quite some time.
back to the meaning of it all; the discussion put me squarely back in the crosshairs.... "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" it does. but atleast im not getting my hopes up. when it rains shit, you buy a raincoat. i guess should some unsuspecting, half-blind supermodel with no standards and overly zealous ideas towards committment, should litteraly fall in my grasp... its not appropriate to count cards. counting cards just lets you know what your odds are going to be in the next hand... the dealer shows 2 ace's... that means theres only 2 left, and in the next hand youve got one; that helps. but when the game takes out the ace's and just throws in duces.... its kinda hard to see where its all going to play out. thats why i prefer not to make any wager. more aptly, ive decided to cash in and wait till my luck and odds better coincide. besides, whats my alternative? to keep playing a game that im not going to win at? just loose more money and morale in the process? get branded a looser more often? thats not my style. "so what, even minor wins are something," somone else said to me; but who expects to walk into a card game to win the pot, and walk out happy with a $5 chip? see, i dont expect to have this wonderfully blissfull marriage to some overly gorgeous model, because i know its not going to happen.. what is likely to happen, is me finding someone who just gets the job done... nothing more, maybe less; adequate at best. so then someday, when i find myself divorced and with 3 kids i never see; i should still be happy with that $5 chip? i hope not. my parents were raised without divorce, i was raised without divorce, and i dont intend to raise my chilren in divorce. so thats going to eliminate some of those small wins of momentary happiness. coupled with that freightrain; id never raise children outside of marriage. thats going to shoot down some other options. yeah, i guess that is going to leave me somewhere this side of a booze habit and a burger-king addiction when im old. whats so sad about that? i knew what i was getting into. i knew what the option were. and i know exactly how the cards are dealt. to me its more sad that everyone else keeps playing to loose, despite all the signals, dispite all the losses, and dispite all the effort, they loose. at the end of the day, i walk out with my ass intact, nothing ahead, nothing down... just dead even. and they keep taking hits on those tables i walked out on. whats so sad about that?
your right, Scott, maybe your being to hard on everyone else; Scott thats not what they all meant. |||| maybe. maybe they just thing the isolation is sad. i guess i dont understand that either. its by choice, but its not. i readily move in groups and social benefactors; its not that im against social interaction as a blanket policy... just nothing appeals to me. there are some people around that i do like spending time with and around. some of them doing like spending time with me; and some i dont like spending time around. now what makes that sad? maybe whats sad to them is, im looking for something that none of them are looking for. the old, mines bigger than yours, that makes it better argument. since my goals are equal to theirs, but i dont expect to fullfill them, maybe thats supposed to make me sad. i think whats sad is i have to sit and defend myself to it all. id much rather not. id much rather just have what i want to have out of life, and be done with it. but im not going to get it. and thats the point of all this i suppose. some people spend all their lives praying night, after night, for God to give them someone. i honestly dont do that anymore. God's got better things to do than listen to me whine... God's got a world full of strife, anger and despair to deal with; and my requests seem pretty damned meager in comparison. yes i suppose, that God does answer your prayers, all of them. but the answer is no sometimes. the answer is no alot of the time. people never understand that. God probably gave me something else worthwhile to do; and gave me some sort of direction to take; why should i feel inclined to complain to Him about his decision? and who the hell says hes even going to do anything about it? He doesnt have to. Sure, hes benevolent, but that doenst mean he cant be a hardass; ask the Jews! so that even if i dont want to deal with what life's given to me, its not going to matter one bit to argue my case.
i guess that doesnt mean i never did. there were times when id sit and think; gee God, couldnt you just off Ben Affleck and Vin Diesel? not to make me anything better, just drop off some of my competition? there were some times when i used to think it wasnt fair to deal with everything that happened to me. sure, its not fair to get turned down, everytime, you ask to your prom. likewise, its not fair to get reamed out for sending flowers to a girl. lifes not about fair. if it was all supposed to be fair, id still be in that card game; because i know my odds are going to be fair. but they arent, and i dont play. and appearantly that makes it all sad. that i refuse to play the game. the games got rules you can never expect to beat. its always set up in the house's favor. if you dont keep loosing, you wont keep playing, right? if you dont find mr. right, you just keep going out there and dating scumbags till you find him? sooner or later, youll just get tired, and settle out for that measley $5 chip. youll lie to yourself and say its mr. right! and your friends will be happy for you, and youll just keep on living it that way. so maybe thats why its sad... maybe its sad because i just dont want to play this game. maybe its just sad because i dont want to find my saturday morning surprise in my bed. besides, thats how everyone else is going to play the game, isnt it? they are just going to keep screwing everything with two legs and a hole, and hope some day they pull it out clean; because thats going to be mr/mrs Right. i know im not going to get any wins on that table. so maybe its sad that i just calculate my odds. maybe its just sad they havent calculated theirs.
ain't it fun~
s.
one of the great songs of the early 90's, that wasnt grunge, and that wasnt pop... heavy with guitars and feeling, but in a different way than the grunge movement registered with people; unfortunately it never really did register with people. instead it proves to be one of the gems of the Use Your Illusions project; coupled with Estranged, 'Rain, and Breakdown [among any that i could have listed], it shows the power that the band could play with, still within the limits of the softer 'ballad'esqe lyrical content...
" look at the shoes your filling // look at the blood were spilling // look at the world were killing, // the way weve always done before... // look at the doubt weve wallowed // look at the leaders weve followed // look at the lives weve swallowed // and i dont want to hear no more // my hands are tied // for all ive seen has changed my mind // but still the wars go on and the years go by // with no love for God or human rights // and all these dreams are swept aside // by the bloodied hands of the hypnotized // to carry the cross of homocide // and then history bears the scars of our civil wars.. "
40 days until GnR roughly. maybe on that day ill be happy. at this point, ill be going by myself, and i couldnt think of a better way to enjoy myself. no one i know appreciates the music for what it is; hell no one i know even listens to it. so what if its been 10 years since theyve toured, and so what if its a totally new band; its about finding happiness in a void. ive actually asked a few people to go. no Yes's yet. a couple Maybe's. several blanket No's. its ok, id have to sit and teach them all the lyrics to every song so they dont look out of place... and thats alot of work. in the next few weeks im actually going to have to familiarize myself with some songs better... rumor is axl is playing alot of old, old material from Appetite... ; even though i like the Illusions albums better. well see in 40 days...
------
so i missed classes today. yeah, it was wednesday. not anything that makes me overly sad about it. maybe thats what im scared of. missing classes means nothing to me anymore. only in some classes where the work piles up from it, do i ever feel any sense of remorse for it... but skipping classes isnt something to be proud of. at the price tag im paying to go here, missing isnt a smart thing to do....buuuut what do i miss? just random teachers reading from the text books; random kids snoring in class; maybe one or two paragraphs of notes about something that doesnt particularly concern me or my future well-being. i guess more importantly, its just another cold seat in some lecture hall somewhere on campus. in the end it costs the University X amount of dollars to heat the room that my body would be warming; and so they see that in the end.... but nothing for me. nothing that says, gee Scott, we missed you in class... gee Scott, were sorry to hear that our whiny leftist lectures dont interest you, well do something that will interest you. nothing like that. just the same bs.
walking to and from class isnt much better. i wear darksunglasses. not only do they shield my eyes from the sunlight, but it shields them metaphorically from the kids and sluts around me. everyone around here is similar in what they want, even the ones that deny it. categorically; some people i know, will deny everything of the lifestyle thats so repitiously indulged upon around here; yet they too find themselves in the same lot. i shield my eyes from it. i dont want what everyone else gets around here. i dont want to get plastered 4 of 7 nights a week; i dont want a random girl in my bed; and i dont want to do the bare minimum. but thats what they are handing out around here.... the bare minimum; with a double of 'to get you through' sprinkled in every other round.
i used to think college would be about so much more than all this. but now all i do; is find myself playing mind-numbing videogames, and hiding in my room or office.... away from other people. someone once laughed at me for being a sociology major, that hates people; but its correct. id much rather find myself alone in my room than with the gross population around me. i find strikingly few things in common with them anymore, and thats discouraging. it means i find myself sitting here, ranting about nothing in particular, to no one in particular. funny isnt it? my release from dealing with people [of which i hate dealing with] is to mindlessly jabber at other people [ie - all of you]... not so much funny as it is ironic i suppose... but then again, i probably missed that day of class on grammer and parts of speech.
" i dont need your civil war // it feeds the rich while it buries the poor // your power hungry, sell souls in a human grocery store // aint that fresh? // i dont need your civil war // no i dont need your civil war... "
someone was talking to me late last night about relationships. for whatever reason we started talking about our expectations for the future. it kinda floored him when i said i didnt have any. infact his comment was, "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" and maybe it does. i dont know; i guess when it comes to expecting things you cant count on, it seems more futile to me than counting stars. do i ever EXPECT to be married? -- no. do i ever EXPECT to actually have a relationship with someone again? -- no. but would i LIKE to get married --- yes, would i LIKE to have a relationship with someone again?-- yes. two different questions that i guess, i seem to keep separate, while everyone else around seems to mince together. the expectation revolves around the occurance; and in the end, we all want that occurance, right? but what happens when that falls short? i guess no one expects to get divorced 5 times; or no one expects to have their heartbroken; but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen... and that doesnt mean i dont want it to happen; it just means i dont want to incurr those types of things anymore. i think ive spent my time in hell rather well; ive learned alot; ive learned how to be treated, and how to treat. but that doesnt mean that anyone else has. besides... lets hit the reality button here; im not going to win a beauty pagent... lets just stipulate to that... so then if im equal to anyone else who has paid their dues and learned; why would some girl pick me over the cute guy? they wouldnt. i wouldnt ask them to, and i wouldnt expect them to. i guess thats the earthshattering reality people never want to admit to. i didnt find it so hard. all those years seem to make alot more sense now when i think of it all that way. sure, being stoodup to a dance doesnt seem so out of place when you can go with a cute guy. and yeah, setting up some cruel jokes on or sending the overly attractive girls in school to fuck with this guy's head, doesnt seem so out of place. in a way i guess its their way of re-inforcing it all home again... which again is ironic, isnt it? we spend so much of our lives not believing what everyone is telling us. all those times when they left notes about me being creepy and a looser, that was just the truth, wasnt it? and all those times i got dumped on by girls, that was just to prove the point, right? my only question is how would anyone ever expect something from nothing. magic and act of God aside, it just doesnt happen. i suppose my view of it all is skewed because i guess ive finally heard what everyone has been telling me for quite some time.
back to the meaning of it all; the discussion put me squarely back in the crosshairs.... "that sounds like a pretty sad and lonely life" it does. but atleast im not getting my hopes up. when it rains shit, you buy a raincoat. i guess should some unsuspecting, half-blind supermodel with no standards and overly zealous ideas towards committment, should litteraly fall in my grasp... its not appropriate to count cards. counting cards just lets you know what your odds are going to be in the next hand... the dealer shows 2 ace's... that means theres only 2 left, and in the next hand youve got one; that helps. but when the game takes out the ace's and just throws in duces.... its kinda hard to see where its all going to play out. thats why i prefer not to make any wager. more aptly, ive decided to cash in and wait till my luck and odds better coincide. besides, whats my alternative? to keep playing a game that im not going to win at? just loose more money and morale in the process? get branded a looser more often? thats not my style. "so what, even minor wins are something," somone else said to me; but who expects to walk into a card game to win the pot, and walk out happy with a $5 chip? see, i dont expect to have this wonderfully blissfull marriage to some overly gorgeous model, because i know its not going to happen.. what is likely to happen, is me finding someone who just gets the job done... nothing more, maybe less; adequate at best. so then someday, when i find myself divorced and with 3 kids i never see; i should still be happy with that $5 chip? i hope not. my parents were raised without divorce, i was raised without divorce, and i dont intend to raise my chilren in divorce. so thats going to eliminate some of those small wins of momentary happiness. coupled with that freightrain; id never raise children outside of marriage. thats going to shoot down some other options. yeah, i guess that is going to leave me somewhere this side of a booze habit and a burger-king addiction when im old. whats so sad about that? i knew what i was getting into. i knew what the option were. and i know exactly how the cards are dealt. to me its more sad that everyone else keeps playing to loose, despite all the signals, dispite all the losses, and dispite all the effort, they loose. at the end of the day, i walk out with my ass intact, nothing ahead, nothing down... just dead even. and they keep taking hits on those tables i walked out on. whats so sad about that?
your right, Scott, maybe your being to hard on everyone else; Scott thats not what they all meant. |||| maybe. maybe they just thing the isolation is sad. i guess i dont understand that either. its by choice, but its not. i readily move in groups and social benefactors; its not that im against social interaction as a blanket policy... just nothing appeals to me. there are some people around that i do like spending time with and around. some of them doing like spending time with me; and some i dont like spending time around. now what makes that sad? maybe whats sad to them is, im looking for something that none of them are looking for. the old, mines bigger than yours, that makes it better argument. since my goals are equal to theirs, but i dont expect to fullfill them, maybe thats supposed to make me sad. i think whats sad is i have to sit and defend myself to it all. id much rather not. id much rather just have what i want to have out of life, and be done with it. but im not going to get it. and thats the point of all this i suppose. some people spend all their lives praying night, after night, for God to give them someone. i honestly dont do that anymore. God's got better things to do than listen to me whine... God's got a world full of strife, anger and despair to deal with; and my requests seem pretty damned meager in comparison. yes i suppose, that God does answer your prayers, all of them. but the answer is no sometimes. the answer is no alot of the time. people never understand that. God probably gave me something else worthwhile to do; and gave me some sort of direction to take; why should i feel inclined to complain to Him about his decision? and who the hell says hes even going to do anything about it? He doesnt have to. Sure, hes benevolent, but that doenst mean he cant be a hardass; ask the Jews! so that even if i dont want to deal with what life's given to me, its not going to matter one bit to argue my case.
i guess that doesnt mean i never did. there were times when id sit and think; gee God, couldnt you just off Ben Affleck and Vin Diesel? not to make me anything better, just drop off some of my competition? there were some times when i used to think it wasnt fair to deal with everything that happened to me. sure, its not fair to get turned down, everytime, you ask to your prom. likewise, its not fair to get reamed out for sending flowers to a girl. lifes not about fair. if it was all supposed to be fair, id still be in that card game; because i know my odds are going to be fair. but they arent, and i dont play. and appearantly that makes it all sad. that i refuse to play the game. the games got rules you can never expect to beat. its always set up in the house's favor. if you dont keep loosing, you wont keep playing, right? if you dont find mr. right, you just keep going out there and dating scumbags till you find him? sooner or later, youll just get tired, and settle out for that measley $5 chip. youll lie to yourself and say its mr. right! and your friends will be happy for you, and youll just keep on living it that way. so maybe thats why its sad... maybe its sad because i just dont want to play this game. maybe its just sad because i dont want to find my saturday morning surprise in my bed. besides, thats how everyone else is going to play the game, isnt it? they are just going to keep screwing everything with two legs and a hole, and hope some day they pull it out clean; because thats going to be mr/mrs Right. i know im not going to get any wins on that table. so maybe its sad that i just calculate my odds. maybe its just sad they havent calculated theirs.
ain't it fun~
s.
Monday, September 30, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Stevie Ray Vaughn - Life By the Drop
"hello there, my old friend. not so long ago it was still the end; late outside in the pouring rain, on our way up the road, we started all over again. living a dream, as though youre on top. my mind is aching, and lord it wonts stop; thats how it happened living life by the drop"
long day again. seems like they never end... i wake up late, tired and stressed out from the day before, to start, late, into the new day; only so that everything else can compound again by days end. the reward is a few hours of sleep sometime after 3am. today started off with the 8am wake up call of ITS. which shuttled with doing latin homework while on the phone, makes for a poor, poor way to study, and a poorer way to deal with a phone call. class... such a pain in my ass, then 3 hours of dealing with Residence Services and ITS. magically, no one can answer any of my questions... [not surprised] wonderful. 'I say fuck authority... no silent majority, raised by the system, now its time to rise against them' [Pennywise - Fuck Authority]
sooooo bored. homework is really getting old. if youd have asked me 10 years ago, if i thought id still be doing nightly homework for points... id have laughed at you. i mean, upper level education isnt supposed to subsist of the same bullshit that 3rd grade did. but no. pages of workbook shit, pages of sentences to write. stuipd busy work assignments, like creating a hypothesis.... utter bullshit.. its rediculous. 3rd graders are getting the same education i am, and im paying nearly 10 grand a year for what they get with a free public education. some days i really sit and think to myself what im going to do with this ultra useless 4year degree.... todays college world requires you to take more hours of a foreign language than of english; more hours of 'cultural diversity' than of american history; and more hours of bullshit elective classes than your major. in fact, your hours logged in for. lang. alone are enough to credit you with a minor in some departments... how sad is that? my college degree cost me 40,000 dollars or so, and with it i spent a small fraction [30 hours or less of 120] in what i want to do in this world.
college isnt about learning anymore i dont think. its more about testing you in time management. college education is nothing with out it. its about me logging X number of hours in bullshit courses, and to carry with me 200 dollar books that the instructors rarely teach from. its about looking your best in class, not doing your best. its about making the friends and social 'hook ups' not making the grade. im the first to admit that my gradepoint sucks. i stopped carring along time ago. all of these classes are not important to what im going to do with my life, why take them serious? why not let me dedicate my time on what im going to need to know, and let me out of it all sooner. i guess its supposed to be good for me. thats what the administrators tell me. but i doubt my employer will think that way. i wouldnt. would you rather have an employee who knows every thing there is to know about his job, or just someone who knows a little bit about their job, and a little bit about everything else in the world? hands down, i want that job-focused person to work for me. isnt that the way it should be? who cares what your employees do in their off-clock time; what you want in this cut-throat world is top notch workers, who are damn good at what they do... why divert their time from that to learn about the African AIDS ''crisis'' or the pheasability of the speed of light being wrong. what i want as an employer is the best man for making widgets i can get. if he can make me widgets in half the time of a normal man, i can either work him half a day [and keep half that money] or work him the full day and get twice the productivity out of him. i want people that can sell my widgets to anyone, and guarantee me a sale the minute they start their sales pitch. i want to pay and IT department that i never see; i want them to fix problems before they arise, and to have everything up and running before the normal work shift starts. i dont want to hear about poetry interpretations from my workers, i couldnt give a shit less if they can read the warnings printed on the side of the widget packaging in German to me; and i sure as hell dont want Widget Makers telling me about how they think they know more about my companies financial practice, because of their 3 hours spent in microecon.
unfortunately for me, the death of the true worker has come. now, instead of speacialists, we think its better to have someone specialize in nothing, and tinker with everything. now we have people with 4 year degrees that can spend as little as a semester's worth of hours on their major, and still take 6 years to get said 4year degree. whats wrong with making kids experts in what they want to do? they chose that major as their lifes work, lets give them the knowledge to make it so, lets stop pussy-footing around with bullshit progression based courses and electives: you take every class your major has to offer in three years, and spend a year doing some independent work or interning in the real world. get some experience handling what you will with your life. get me out of these god damned rhetoric classes and psych 100, and let me, scott alvarado, play with criminal behavior theory, let me do some work in a quasi court-room environment. get the chains removed, that bind my hands to pathetic lecutres of 1400 kids and high school level work, get me prepared for the real world.
besides which, if im here to become prepared for life ever after; then lets start shaping these lumps of highschool shit into real individuals. lets start by making them recognize that they are now adults. lets drop all these kid like expectations, and let them progress beyond hoops and hurdles... after all thats what high school was. how about we start taking college students seriously, and lets see if they will take the world seriously. how can we expect, as a society, to have kids emerge from 4 years of binge drinking, socially acceptable piercings and tattooings, and rampant sex; and expect them to have formed an accurate and sensible view of the world. all we give them to go on, is what our classrooms have taught; and if thats any sign, its no wonder why our kids are confused about the world. everything we teach them in class today is the direct opposite of what our parents [who now controll the world] are running with. kids today dont have a sense of money, dont have a sense of self, and sure as hell dont have a sense of stable family relations or a sense of genuine culture thats all their own. weve spent our lectures on the glories of the worlds unruly ways and how its all 'equally valid as our own''; which is all well and good, as long as you give them something to measure it with. kids today have no sense of american history. yorktown is just a peppermint patty; kennedy is just an airport; the Union is nothing more than uncle don's trade faternity; and we had a war with Mexico?!?!?! we took our time, trying to engrain an asinine sense of worldly guilt towards being american; and now when our country is attacked on the basis of our culture; our children cant even tell you why everyone hates us... appearantly the world isnt all holding hands and telling native folktales in harmony like my college lectures have told me. prehaps there still is some eveil in this world, and prehaps those perpretrating have been placed closer to our children than wed ever want to know. besides, its only education; there can never be harm in educating people, so my instructors have tried to convince me.
ain't it fun~
s.
"hello there, my old friend. not so long ago it was still the end; late outside in the pouring rain, on our way up the road, we started all over again. living a dream, as though youre on top. my mind is aching, and lord it wonts stop; thats how it happened living life by the drop"
long day again. seems like they never end... i wake up late, tired and stressed out from the day before, to start, late, into the new day; only so that everything else can compound again by days end. the reward is a few hours of sleep sometime after 3am. today started off with the 8am wake up call of ITS. which shuttled with doing latin homework while on the phone, makes for a poor, poor way to study, and a poorer way to deal with a phone call. class... such a pain in my ass, then 3 hours of dealing with Residence Services and ITS. magically, no one can answer any of my questions... [not surprised] wonderful. 'I say fuck authority... no silent majority, raised by the system, now its time to rise against them' [Pennywise - Fuck Authority]
sooooo bored. homework is really getting old. if youd have asked me 10 years ago, if i thought id still be doing nightly homework for points... id have laughed at you. i mean, upper level education isnt supposed to subsist of the same bullshit that 3rd grade did. but no. pages of workbook shit, pages of sentences to write. stuipd busy work assignments, like creating a hypothesis.... utter bullshit.. its rediculous. 3rd graders are getting the same education i am, and im paying nearly 10 grand a year for what they get with a free public education. some days i really sit and think to myself what im going to do with this ultra useless 4year degree.... todays college world requires you to take more hours of a foreign language than of english; more hours of 'cultural diversity' than of american history; and more hours of bullshit elective classes than your major. in fact, your hours logged in for. lang. alone are enough to credit you with a minor in some departments... how sad is that? my college degree cost me 40,000 dollars or so, and with it i spent a small fraction [30 hours or less of 120] in what i want to do in this world.
college isnt about learning anymore i dont think. its more about testing you in time management. college education is nothing with out it. its about me logging X number of hours in bullshit courses, and to carry with me 200 dollar books that the instructors rarely teach from. its about looking your best in class, not doing your best. its about making the friends and social 'hook ups' not making the grade. im the first to admit that my gradepoint sucks. i stopped carring along time ago. all of these classes are not important to what im going to do with my life, why take them serious? why not let me dedicate my time on what im going to need to know, and let me out of it all sooner. i guess its supposed to be good for me. thats what the administrators tell me. but i doubt my employer will think that way. i wouldnt. would you rather have an employee who knows every thing there is to know about his job, or just someone who knows a little bit about their job, and a little bit about everything else in the world? hands down, i want that job-focused person to work for me. isnt that the way it should be? who cares what your employees do in their off-clock time; what you want in this cut-throat world is top notch workers, who are damn good at what they do... why divert their time from that to learn about the African AIDS ''crisis'' or the pheasability of the speed of light being wrong. what i want as an employer is the best man for making widgets i can get. if he can make me widgets in half the time of a normal man, i can either work him half a day [and keep half that money] or work him the full day and get twice the productivity out of him. i want people that can sell my widgets to anyone, and guarantee me a sale the minute they start their sales pitch. i want to pay and IT department that i never see; i want them to fix problems before they arise, and to have everything up and running before the normal work shift starts. i dont want to hear about poetry interpretations from my workers, i couldnt give a shit less if they can read the warnings printed on the side of the widget packaging in German to me; and i sure as hell dont want Widget Makers telling me about how they think they know more about my companies financial practice, because of their 3 hours spent in microecon.
unfortunately for me, the death of the true worker has come. now, instead of speacialists, we think its better to have someone specialize in nothing, and tinker with everything. now we have people with 4 year degrees that can spend as little as a semester's worth of hours on their major, and still take 6 years to get said 4year degree. whats wrong with making kids experts in what they want to do? they chose that major as their lifes work, lets give them the knowledge to make it so, lets stop pussy-footing around with bullshit progression based courses and electives: you take every class your major has to offer in three years, and spend a year doing some independent work or interning in the real world. get some experience handling what you will with your life. get me out of these god damned rhetoric classes and psych 100, and let me, scott alvarado, play with criminal behavior theory, let me do some work in a quasi court-room environment. get the chains removed, that bind my hands to pathetic lecutres of 1400 kids and high school level work, get me prepared for the real world.
besides which, if im here to become prepared for life ever after; then lets start shaping these lumps of highschool shit into real individuals. lets start by making them recognize that they are now adults. lets drop all these kid like expectations, and let them progress beyond hoops and hurdles... after all thats what high school was. how about we start taking college students seriously, and lets see if they will take the world seriously. how can we expect, as a society, to have kids emerge from 4 years of binge drinking, socially acceptable piercings and tattooings, and rampant sex; and expect them to have formed an accurate and sensible view of the world. all we give them to go on, is what our classrooms have taught; and if thats any sign, its no wonder why our kids are confused about the world. everything we teach them in class today is the direct opposite of what our parents [who now controll the world] are running with. kids today dont have a sense of money, dont have a sense of self, and sure as hell dont have a sense of stable family relations or a sense of genuine culture thats all their own. weve spent our lectures on the glories of the worlds unruly ways and how its all 'equally valid as our own''; which is all well and good, as long as you give them something to measure it with. kids today have no sense of american history. yorktown is just a peppermint patty; kennedy is just an airport; the Union is nothing more than uncle don's trade faternity; and we had a war with Mexico?!?!?! we took our time, trying to engrain an asinine sense of worldly guilt towards being american; and now when our country is attacked on the basis of our culture; our children cant even tell you why everyone hates us... appearantly the world isnt all holding hands and telling native folktales in harmony like my college lectures have told me. prehaps there still is some eveil in this world, and prehaps those perpretrating have been placed closer to our children than wed ever want to know. besides, its only education; there can never be harm in educating people, so my instructors have tried to convince me.
ain't it fun~
s.
Monday, September 23, 2002
Current Musical Selection: GnR - Dont Cry
sometimes i wish someone would go back to the grunge era and just start churning out sad, mournfull songs again. really all music today is just nothing more than happy fun garbage. nothing has any sense of soul anymore; nothing has any sense of loss; nothing has any sense of despair anymore. when i come home some days, i just want to sit in a dark room, and hear some macobre music... and no one is making it. theres only so many times i can sit and re-listen to some Alice In Chains and Nirvana, before i want to hear something depressing in a different melody.
Dont Cry isnt really one of those songs i suppose. but it is one of my favorites. it is a sad song. it is about loosing something or someone. its more or less, one of the songs i think, that really echos back to me part of what ive lived through. i can remember hearing words, like the lyrcis, that were of eeirly similar nature. i wasnt the one singing them, i was hearing them. i remember the first time getting 'shot down' as its called. the first time you open up, that you crack open your very soul and you just let loose with what you believe... pure, raw, heartfelt emotion. then to watch someones face when they just tell you, that you are worthless; that you arent even close to what theyd ever want to hear those words from; that no matter what you do, you are nothing. shot down isnt a bad description. but i think it implies a bit more possible action. atleast when your getting shotdown, you can pull the rip cord and bail; fuck the plane, fuck what happens with your CO, atleast your going to live through it. thats not what happens. even if you had a rip cord to pull, the chute would only catch on fire. if you even had the chance to jump out, youd only find sharp jagged cliffs below. no, there is nothing quite like that first time. its haunting. its surreal, yet it was. and it still is. then you find yourself back over the jungle. this time, your getting hit the same way you did before, and its just a dark an end.
sometimes i wonder about people. tonight i was told that one of my prior entries appearantly still upsets someone. im sure its easy to guess which one that is; so im not going to relive it. i dunno. i guess i wonder, if it was that bad, why didnt other people object? why didnt anyone else step up and say, 'god dammit man, thats prolly farther than you need to go' but no. so im faced with the same dilema i was when i posted it. the language is no less offensive, and the details to why i did it are much less clear than they were at the original time; and appearantly my point still isnt taken... so do i take it down? people will always judge my by my words alone. and i wish that wasnt ture. i really wish, that some how, people would take into account my emphatic meaning behind the words. in that instance, the language in a literal sense still cuts deeply; but i was hoping that my sentiment would go deeper. to me, what is the point of saying anything at all, if you cant get across your point. and my point still hasnt come across. people, i guess, are still pretty self centered. they are snide, they are rude, they only think for themselves. they rarely think outwardly about they, themselves are doing and saying; and, if by grace of God, they are confronted with it, they wont accept blame. here is the case of Scott. scott did. scott realizes exactly what he put in text. he openly admits to it being vulgar, inflamatory and crude. scott doesnt, however, appologize for the feeling behind those words. taking someones words and using them against them is a sin, but to leave out, and dissavow what those words are saying, is another. spell it out. the words mean scott was pretty upset as an individual about the way he was treated. he put it in that form to get the point across. dont focus on the words that i right, focus on the meaning that i pushing with them.
again. it comes down to me i guess. do i want to cave, and now void my own words, invalidate my own feelings, because someone isnt ready to move past it? does that mean that my feelings and my interpretation of the incident are therefore invalid? are my words wrong in a moral, good/bad useage, as well as wrong in a verifiable/truth useage? id hope not. id like to think that id never write something for myself in this space that isnt true. i invite you all to read it, because i feel it to be the truth. are my words more hurtful to you; because of what i said, or because they were right? see, people criticized, (and still do)_my interpretation of the incident and surrounding history. the thing is, my interpretation is based solely on the facts i was presented. night in and night out, i was told the same things over and over; how is my factual representation incorrect? its probably not so much incorrect as it just wasnt right to post. thats what gets to me; people still harbor hostility towards me in the guise that they wont forget what i say, but they have forgiven what ive said. thats not the case, when your still not forgiving the person. i could walk up to my uncles murdered today and tell him i forgive him; but if use what i havent 'forgotten' against him, then i truely havent forgiven him... im just lying to myself. thats something i hope i never do. i have a temper. its documented, well documented. i dont hide that. i have a very pointed sense of the world, and that is also documented. why are you just now objecting to that, if you say youve forgiven me? if you forgive me then you let it pass. you dont return to it when you find it conveniant, you stoop to it when it becomes potential ammunition, youve let it go. or so you say. but i guess what you all say to me, then how you act, is my point of all this. ive told you what i have to say, how will you all act now?
my meaning was to hit home. i wanted someone to stop and think about what was going on. yeah, maybe they are right, maybe it is all 'fuck me', and whose to say they are wrong for that,---i certainly havent. but you are still missing the point. the point is, someone was trying to tell you something. someone was just opening up, and giving you the hearfelt truth. but it was in a way you didnt like. you wouldnt listen to it any other way. and you still havent. the meaning that someone has tried to convey to you countless times still isnt getting through. so now ill stop. why waste myself for you? maybe thats something to make sure not to forget. maybe, thats the point to all of this. maybe its just someone wants you to know what this all looks like, and that you wont flippantly pass it by this time. like last time. like all those other times. like the time i wanted to tell you what i really thought about you as a person. like the time i wanted to tell you that what you said made a difference to me. like the time when i would realize i could tell you i loved you for who you are, if it would make a difference with what you did to yourself. but just like all the other times, you wont remember this one either. you couldnt remember that, your too busy trying not to 'forget' what else happened.
last things last. what do we want in the end? do want clear and indefinite resolution all around, or do we just want what we want? i want clear resolution. i want final, definive action, so i can just move on to the next stop. but people puzzle me. people say, 'ive settled this' and they havent, they open up old wounds for selfish cause. they harbor threats and directives from your words, then hold them over your head... and remember, they forgave you. so what of rememberance. it seems to me that if, in the end, that resolution just means deffering all action until i get what i want; then thats what we had here. if its about truely moving on, i guess i just got left in the wake somewhere, trying to extend a hand to someone whom would just rather not take it. for people to extend that hand, should mean alot more than just a hand in your face. maybe it looks like a slap to the face to you as your thrashing about, but that hand is there for you. that hand is there to help pull you out. that person, attached to that hand, wants and is actively helping. but you only see it the way you want to see it. you just want to see it as another hand trying to hold your head underwater. maybe that hand is, but maybe its going to lift your chin above the water line. so in the end, where does that leave us at? ill still stand there with my hand extended to you, and youll just keep slapping it away. and ill always think back to the times you could have taken my hand, and walked to shore. and youll just keep thinking what you will, but ill never hear it from where i am, and youll never share it. and for that reason alone, my words will stand; and my sentiment will go unnoticed.
ain't it fun~
s.
sometimes i wish someone would go back to the grunge era and just start churning out sad, mournfull songs again. really all music today is just nothing more than happy fun garbage. nothing has any sense of soul anymore; nothing has any sense of loss; nothing has any sense of despair anymore. when i come home some days, i just want to sit in a dark room, and hear some macobre music... and no one is making it. theres only so many times i can sit and re-listen to some Alice In Chains and Nirvana, before i want to hear something depressing in a different melody.
Dont Cry isnt really one of those songs i suppose. but it is one of my favorites. it is a sad song. it is about loosing something or someone. its more or less, one of the songs i think, that really echos back to me part of what ive lived through. i can remember hearing words, like the lyrcis, that were of eeirly similar nature. i wasnt the one singing them, i was hearing them. i remember the first time getting 'shot down' as its called. the first time you open up, that you crack open your very soul and you just let loose with what you believe... pure, raw, heartfelt emotion. then to watch someones face when they just tell you, that you are worthless; that you arent even close to what theyd ever want to hear those words from; that no matter what you do, you are nothing. shot down isnt a bad description. but i think it implies a bit more possible action. atleast when your getting shotdown, you can pull the rip cord and bail; fuck the plane, fuck what happens with your CO, atleast your going to live through it. thats not what happens. even if you had a rip cord to pull, the chute would only catch on fire. if you even had the chance to jump out, youd only find sharp jagged cliffs below. no, there is nothing quite like that first time. its haunting. its surreal, yet it was. and it still is. then you find yourself back over the jungle. this time, your getting hit the same way you did before, and its just a dark an end.
sometimes i wonder about people. tonight i was told that one of my prior entries appearantly still upsets someone. im sure its easy to guess which one that is; so im not going to relive it. i dunno. i guess i wonder, if it was that bad, why didnt other people object? why didnt anyone else step up and say, 'god dammit man, thats prolly farther than you need to go' but no. so im faced with the same dilema i was when i posted it. the language is no less offensive, and the details to why i did it are much less clear than they were at the original time; and appearantly my point still isnt taken... so do i take it down? people will always judge my by my words alone. and i wish that wasnt ture. i really wish, that some how, people would take into account my emphatic meaning behind the words. in that instance, the language in a literal sense still cuts deeply; but i was hoping that my sentiment would go deeper. to me, what is the point of saying anything at all, if you cant get across your point. and my point still hasnt come across. people, i guess, are still pretty self centered. they are snide, they are rude, they only think for themselves. they rarely think outwardly about they, themselves are doing and saying; and, if by grace of God, they are confronted with it, they wont accept blame. here is the case of Scott. scott did. scott realizes exactly what he put in text. he openly admits to it being vulgar, inflamatory and crude. scott doesnt, however, appologize for the feeling behind those words. taking someones words and using them against them is a sin, but to leave out, and dissavow what those words are saying, is another. spell it out. the words mean scott was pretty upset as an individual about the way he was treated. he put it in that form to get the point across. dont focus on the words that i right, focus on the meaning that i pushing with them.
again. it comes down to me i guess. do i want to cave, and now void my own words, invalidate my own feelings, because someone isnt ready to move past it? does that mean that my feelings and my interpretation of the incident are therefore invalid? are my words wrong in a moral, good/bad useage, as well as wrong in a verifiable/truth useage? id hope not. id like to think that id never write something for myself in this space that isnt true. i invite you all to read it, because i feel it to be the truth. are my words more hurtful to you; because of what i said, or because they were right? see, people criticized, (and still do)_my interpretation of the incident and surrounding history. the thing is, my interpretation is based solely on the facts i was presented. night in and night out, i was told the same things over and over; how is my factual representation incorrect? its probably not so much incorrect as it just wasnt right to post. thats what gets to me; people still harbor hostility towards me in the guise that they wont forget what i say, but they have forgiven what ive said. thats not the case, when your still not forgiving the person. i could walk up to my uncles murdered today and tell him i forgive him; but if use what i havent 'forgotten' against him, then i truely havent forgiven him... im just lying to myself. thats something i hope i never do. i have a temper. its documented, well documented. i dont hide that. i have a very pointed sense of the world, and that is also documented. why are you just now objecting to that, if you say youve forgiven me? if you forgive me then you let it pass. you dont return to it when you find it conveniant, you stoop to it when it becomes potential ammunition, youve let it go. or so you say. but i guess what you all say to me, then how you act, is my point of all this. ive told you what i have to say, how will you all act now?
my meaning was to hit home. i wanted someone to stop and think about what was going on. yeah, maybe they are right, maybe it is all 'fuck me', and whose to say they are wrong for that,---i certainly havent. but you are still missing the point. the point is, someone was trying to tell you something. someone was just opening up, and giving you the hearfelt truth. but it was in a way you didnt like. you wouldnt listen to it any other way. and you still havent. the meaning that someone has tried to convey to you countless times still isnt getting through. so now ill stop. why waste myself for you? maybe thats something to make sure not to forget. maybe, thats the point to all of this. maybe its just someone wants you to know what this all looks like, and that you wont flippantly pass it by this time. like last time. like all those other times. like the time i wanted to tell you what i really thought about you as a person. like the time i wanted to tell you that what you said made a difference to me. like the time when i would realize i could tell you i loved you for who you are, if it would make a difference with what you did to yourself. but just like all the other times, you wont remember this one either. you couldnt remember that, your too busy trying not to 'forget' what else happened.
last things last. what do we want in the end? do want clear and indefinite resolution all around, or do we just want what we want? i want clear resolution. i want final, definive action, so i can just move on to the next stop. but people puzzle me. people say, 'ive settled this' and they havent, they open up old wounds for selfish cause. they harbor threats and directives from your words, then hold them over your head... and remember, they forgave you. so what of rememberance. it seems to me that if, in the end, that resolution just means deffering all action until i get what i want; then thats what we had here. if its about truely moving on, i guess i just got left in the wake somewhere, trying to extend a hand to someone whom would just rather not take it. for people to extend that hand, should mean alot more than just a hand in your face. maybe it looks like a slap to the face to you as your thrashing about, but that hand is there for you. that hand is there to help pull you out. that person, attached to that hand, wants and is actively helping. but you only see it the way you want to see it. you just want to see it as another hand trying to hold your head underwater. maybe that hand is, but maybe its going to lift your chin above the water line. so in the end, where does that leave us at? ill still stand there with my hand extended to you, and youll just keep slapping it away. and ill always think back to the times you could have taken my hand, and walked to shore. and youll just keep thinking what you will, but ill never hear it from where i am, and youll never share it. and for that reason alone, my words will stand; and my sentiment will go unnoticed.
ain't it fun~
s.
Monday, September 16, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Izzy Stradlin - "Time Gone By"
yeah, its not quite GnR, but its close. for anyone who doesnt know [another chance to flaunt my GnR knowledge] Izzy was the founding rythm guitarist for GnR, going waaay back to '86. Iz stays on until 91/92 [depends on if you count his summer comeback when Gilby was hurt], when the pressures and futility of stardom came to a head for him. Izzy, in my opinion, was really one of 3 in the driving force that wrote the GnR material... Axl does have alot of credits, noteably the big opus' [Estranged, November Rain], and Slash too has his fair share, but by listening to the music, to me, its clear that Izzy came up with a good chunk of the songs. Axl applied words and voice, and smoothed it out in the end, Slash throws down a heavy riff to play off Izzy's main themes, then the big solo, and Duff and Matt/Steven do their thing; but Izzy comes up with the tunes. It really shows up on his solo cd's post GnR; namely this one: Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds... its out of print now [funny, so is Gilby's "Pawnshop" album, his first solo cd, also excellent!] but its really written in the flow of the softer 'Stones sound, lots of fuzz... Definietly attempt to find them on morpheous or something, but these songs are the kilers: Time Gone By, Somebody Knockin, How Will It Go, Cuttin The Rug, Take A Look. not to say the rest of the cd isnt anygood, just those songs show off the diversity in style, but are all essentially Izzy mainstains; especially listening to the GnR recordings, you can really tell what was Izzys and what was the rest of the bands work.
----------
well its been several days now since ive written.. appearantly ive fallen back into the pitfall of not paying attention to this. not so; i do remember it, just the days are so short and the other requisite work must be done before blog time. well thank God for one thing, my life never changes.... so, its not like you would have missed out on much excitement. well unless your really rarin to hear about the beard growing contest the floor started. im thinking about dropping out allready tho; its getting itchy in places, and the mustache just isnt growing in well; i think if i let it go much longer, ill really look funny. we'll see what mood im in tomorrow when i get up.. i may just let it go... thoughts anyone? scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu
porque mas.... saturday was interesting. ive decided to help out with the Stepping Up project again this year, by flipping burgers at their non-alcoholic tailgates. its really a great cause. but the idea is sadly lost on kids in iowa city, on football saturday. i wasnt really counting, but multiple kids came up to us to get the free food [knowing this was an alcohol-free event] with cans of Busch Lite in hand. some had the classic "im so drunk i have to wear these sunglasses to walk in broad daylight" sunglasses and look going for them. others just did a poor job disguising a case of beer in a hooded sweat shirt. yes, they pulled the torso of the shirt over it, then placed cans in the hood.. giving it the uniquie appearance of mystery to fellow drunks; but to those of us in attendance that were starkly sober... the only mystery is why no one did anything about it. these kids are obviously, blatanly, breaking the law. we were standing on U of Iowa Residence Hall property, with Residence Hall staff [1-grad student, 1-hi level administrator, 3-hall coordinators, and 2- paid security officers] and nothing happens. kids come streaming out of Slater Res Hall, carrying open containers; while 4 girls are urinating on Slater in the bushes, putting down their beer on the front steps to do so; and NO ONE says anything. frustrated, i asked one about what could be done; lets suffice to say my answer wasnt very good.
i guess what i dont really care for is the disregard of the activity taking place. no where is it more clear, than under-age drinking is not to be tolerated, than on our Residence Hall property. not only is it just not condusive to the environment the university wants to put forth, but its clearly illegal!!! 90% of these kids are 1st years... straight from highschool... some arent even 18 yet when they get here... so not only are the administrators, and hall coordinators present failing to do their assigned duty, but they in fact are breaking the law by allowing it to continue. dont get me wrong. im not pure-anti-alcohol. i, as a legal and consenting adult, over the age of 21, relish in an occasional alcoholic beverage; but in the proper setting, with people of like mind. thats just not the case here in the dorms. the kids that come here arent drinking 1 beer, they are drinking a case; its not double of aged scotch, its 3/4s a bottle of cheap Rum... its not with consenting adults; its with other kids who are all underage... its not in a proper setting, like a bar... its comming from some kid in their psych class, or from their older brothers fraternity friends... and its not in the form of like minded adults... aside from the fact all these kids are looking for the same thing-- to get dangerously plastered. id like to hold the kids here in higher esteem than i do; but they dont let me... at times, id say they dont want me to do that either. last year, when i attended the city council commission on drinking ordinances; i was one of 2 [yes 1 + 1, two] people supporting the ordances forcing Iowa City residents to abide by more consistent and strict regulation dealing with alcohol, in shit-ton massive quantity. not even the people from the Stepping Up project, nor the Department of Res. Services, nor the Addiction Medicine specialists would come. just me. infact, i couldnt even go in the capacity of the student leader that i am, with my position in ARH; i was told strictly not to. i didnt understand why. but once i was at City Hall i did. UISG, the campus government of the student body was there to shoot down the ordnances... all in the name of kids 'right' to drink underage, in dangerous quantities.
i guess it never really goes away tho. its something that this city and its engrained sense of self; will probably never want to let go of... alcohol related injuries, coma's and even deaths have occured here; but the trends continue. the maturity in this place really strives to hit new lows each day. i loose respect for people who speak from one side of their mouth about alcohol policy, and even the rule of law in general; then break those, on a regular basis. people, i guess, dont expect me to say much about it. thats hard for me. maybe not that im not expected to comment, only that they wish i refrain from doing so. if only to preserve their own proverbial asses. people on my own floor regularly drink and break the rules, that I, in my position, help to create. some of these people are my friends, some just happen to live next to me. regardless, thats alot to ask from someone. maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if they were of legal age. and maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if it was only sporadically. but its not. its clear, its blatant, and its obvious. not only is there no respect for me and my position, it erodes the respect we should have for the student body. leading me back to where im at. an ultimate lack of respect.
alcohol is a funny thing. it makes people do funny things. i dont think of these people as bad kids. my neighbor is a frosh. its his first time away from home; away from friends; away from what he knew life to be. hes a good kid. he respects me. at first i wasnt sure how to take it. generally speaking, i dont make it habit to throw out my title to the kids... id rather let them discover it, let them do with it what they will. but this kid, once he found out; was excited. he likes knowing what his neighbor does. [remember that]. originally, i liked that in my neighbor as a quality. then last week, i came home. on my way up the stairs, i could smell the beer. Icehouse. i looked in the trashcan and found atleast a case of empties. coming into the hall way, it was heavy in the air. two of them come out of the room... clearly blasted. one tells me he was doing dishes, he cant look me in the eyes tho, the other comes out swaggering, and mincing german and english; trying to bastardize an appology to me for what he did tonight. he was that respected me. i listened to him try to recount his sorrow; it took a good ten minutes. i dont doubt his sincerity; only that someone that sincere, shouldnt have taken part in the first place. then as i cut him off, and open my door, i see it. more of my 'friends' engaged in drinking with other, 'like minded' underaged residents. what do i say to that? one was clear about his intentions, and i have no annimosity towards him for that. he knows the risks assumed with that action, he was willing to take it, and more or less, i guess thats acceptable. the other. the other one expects respect from me. should he get it from me? 19, with a beer in hand, and in a more precarious state than im going state here. he knows it. so do i. this is one of those times, when my neighbors probably dont like knowing what i do. this is probably one of those times, when i dont like knowing what my neighbors do. no, no probably about it. i see this person, perpetrate an act like this early in the week, then they try to stand next to me on saturday morning, at the Stepping Up tailgate; working side by side with that organization, to combat underaged and irresponsible drinking.. respect is tough to come by in this town. its time i stopped being so free with it. people speak about morality in their life, and abiding by the moral principle... what moral is to follow the law. breaking the law isnt moral. but they do. breaking my respect for them is another act, they do it all by themselves. forget morality. they should start with maturity, and responsibility, lessons they should have learned by now in life.
and in the end, it all comes down to mutual respect to me. blantant disregard for the rules and policy they are supposed to be helping me support and create, and this.... this is how im respected by them, fully in my presence. again, the kids of this city pull at my shirt tail to keep me from taking them to the next step of maturity. i really want to give them the benefit of the doubt. i want to call them equals. i want to call them adults. i want to allow myself to be included with them. but that cant happen. not as long as i know what my neighbors do. that cant happen as long as these kids expect respect from me they arent deserving of. i used to wonder why i feel alone in this world. you always look at who is walking next to you. sometimes, you dont feel alone in where you go, infront of crowds or angry people, when there is someone beside you. they might be the only person next to you. but you can still feel alone even then. but nothing is worse, than when you think back to that one time when there was 1 + 1; and that +1, just walked away. that time, when there was two. now there is only one. is a sickly sweet secret you have to carry with you sometimes. its about keeping up appearances. making that empty stance next to someone; thats the appearance. but the respect... thats hard to keep up.
ain't it fun~
s.
yeah, its not quite GnR, but its close. for anyone who doesnt know [another chance to flaunt my GnR knowledge] Izzy was the founding rythm guitarist for GnR, going waaay back to '86. Iz stays on until 91/92 [depends on if you count his summer comeback when Gilby was hurt], when the pressures and futility of stardom came to a head for him. Izzy, in my opinion, was really one of 3 in the driving force that wrote the GnR material... Axl does have alot of credits, noteably the big opus' [Estranged, November Rain], and Slash too has his fair share, but by listening to the music, to me, its clear that Izzy came up with a good chunk of the songs. Axl applied words and voice, and smoothed it out in the end, Slash throws down a heavy riff to play off Izzy's main themes, then the big solo, and Duff and Matt/Steven do their thing; but Izzy comes up with the tunes. It really shows up on his solo cd's post GnR; namely this one: Izzy Stradlin and the Ju Ju Hounds... its out of print now [funny, so is Gilby's "Pawnshop" album, his first solo cd, also excellent!] but its really written in the flow of the softer 'Stones sound, lots of fuzz... Definietly attempt to find them on morpheous or something, but these songs are the kilers: Time Gone By, Somebody Knockin, How Will It Go, Cuttin The Rug, Take A Look. not to say the rest of the cd isnt anygood, just those songs show off the diversity in style, but are all essentially Izzy mainstains; especially listening to the GnR recordings, you can really tell what was Izzys and what was the rest of the bands work.
----------
well its been several days now since ive written.. appearantly ive fallen back into the pitfall of not paying attention to this. not so; i do remember it, just the days are so short and the other requisite work must be done before blog time. well thank God for one thing, my life never changes.... so, its not like you would have missed out on much excitement. well unless your really rarin to hear about the beard growing contest the floor started. im thinking about dropping out allready tho; its getting itchy in places, and the mustache just isnt growing in well; i think if i let it go much longer, ill really look funny. we'll see what mood im in tomorrow when i get up.. i may just let it go... thoughts anyone? scott-alvarado@uiowa.edu
porque mas.... saturday was interesting. ive decided to help out with the Stepping Up project again this year, by flipping burgers at their non-alcoholic tailgates. its really a great cause. but the idea is sadly lost on kids in iowa city, on football saturday. i wasnt really counting, but multiple kids came up to us to get the free food [knowing this was an alcohol-free event] with cans of Busch Lite in hand. some had the classic "im so drunk i have to wear these sunglasses to walk in broad daylight" sunglasses and look going for them. others just did a poor job disguising a case of beer in a hooded sweat shirt. yes, they pulled the torso of the shirt over it, then placed cans in the hood.. giving it the uniquie appearance of mystery to fellow drunks; but to those of us in attendance that were starkly sober... the only mystery is why no one did anything about it. these kids are obviously, blatanly, breaking the law. we were standing on U of Iowa Residence Hall property, with Residence Hall staff [1-grad student, 1-hi level administrator, 3-hall coordinators, and 2- paid security officers] and nothing happens. kids come streaming out of Slater Res Hall, carrying open containers; while 4 girls are urinating on Slater in the bushes, putting down their beer on the front steps to do so; and NO ONE says anything. frustrated, i asked one about what could be done; lets suffice to say my answer wasnt very good.
i guess what i dont really care for is the disregard of the activity taking place. no where is it more clear, than under-age drinking is not to be tolerated, than on our Residence Hall property. not only is it just not condusive to the environment the university wants to put forth, but its clearly illegal!!! 90% of these kids are 1st years... straight from highschool... some arent even 18 yet when they get here... so not only are the administrators, and hall coordinators present failing to do their assigned duty, but they in fact are breaking the law by allowing it to continue. dont get me wrong. im not pure-anti-alcohol. i, as a legal and consenting adult, over the age of 21, relish in an occasional alcoholic beverage; but in the proper setting, with people of like mind. thats just not the case here in the dorms. the kids that come here arent drinking 1 beer, they are drinking a case; its not double of aged scotch, its 3/4s a bottle of cheap Rum... its not with consenting adults; its with other kids who are all underage... its not in a proper setting, like a bar... its comming from some kid in their psych class, or from their older brothers fraternity friends... and its not in the form of like minded adults... aside from the fact all these kids are looking for the same thing-- to get dangerously plastered. id like to hold the kids here in higher esteem than i do; but they dont let me... at times, id say they dont want me to do that either. last year, when i attended the city council commission on drinking ordinances; i was one of 2 [yes 1 + 1, two] people supporting the ordances forcing Iowa City residents to abide by more consistent and strict regulation dealing with alcohol, in shit-ton massive quantity. not even the people from the Stepping Up project, nor the Department of Res. Services, nor the Addiction Medicine specialists would come. just me. infact, i couldnt even go in the capacity of the student leader that i am, with my position in ARH; i was told strictly not to. i didnt understand why. but once i was at City Hall i did. UISG, the campus government of the student body was there to shoot down the ordnances... all in the name of kids 'right' to drink underage, in dangerous quantities.
i guess it never really goes away tho. its something that this city and its engrained sense of self; will probably never want to let go of... alcohol related injuries, coma's and even deaths have occured here; but the trends continue. the maturity in this place really strives to hit new lows each day. i loose respect for people who speak from one side of their mouth about alcohol policy, and even the rule of law in general; then break those, on a regular basis. people, i guess, dont expect me to say much about it. thats hard for me. maybe not that im not expected to comment, only that they wish i refrain from doing so. if only to preserve their own proverbial asses. people on my own floor regularly drink and break the rules, that I, in my position, help to create. some of these people are my friends, some just happen to live next to me. regardless, thats alot to ask from someone. maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if they were of legal age. and maybe it wouldnt bother me as much if it was only sporadically. but its not. its clear, its blatant, and its obvious. not only is there no respect for me and my position, it erodes the respect we should have for the student body. leading me back to where im at. an ultimate lack of respect.
alcohol is a funny thing. it makes people do funny things. i dont think of these people as bad kids. my neighbor is a frosh. its his first time away from home; away from friends; away from what he knew life to be. hes a good kid. he respects me. at first i wasnt sure how to take it. generally speaking, i dont make it habit to throw out my title to the kids... id rather let them discover it, let them do with it what they will. but this kid, once he found out; was excited. he likes knowing what his neighbor does. [remember that]. originally, i liked that in my neighbor as a quality. then last week, i came home. on my way up the stairs, i could smell the beer. Icehouse. i looked in the trashcan and found atleast a case of empties. coming into the hall way, it was heavy in the air. two of them come out of the room... clearly blasted. one tells me he was doing dishes, he cant look me in the eyes tho, the other comes out swaggering, and mincing german and english; trying to bastardize an appology to me for what he did tonight. he was that respected me. i listened to him try to recount his sorrow; it took a good ten minutes. i dont doubt his sincerity; only that someone that sincere, shouldnt have taken part in the first place. then as i cut him off, and open my door, i see it. more of my 'friends' engaged in drinking with other, 'like minded' underaged residents. what do i say to that? one was clear about his intentions, and i have no annimosity towards him for that. he knows the risks assumed with that action, he was willing to take it, and more or less, i guess thats acceptable. the other. the other one expects respect from me. should he get it from me? 19, with a beer in hand, and in a more precarious state than im going state here. he knows it. so do i. this is one of those times, when my neighbors probably dont like knowing what i do. this is probably one of those times, when i dont like knowing what my neighbors do. no, no probably about it. i see this person, perpetrate an act like this early in the week, then they try to stand next to me on saturday morning, at the Stepping Up tailgate; working side by side with that organization, to combat underaged and irresponsible drinking.. respect is tough to come by in this town. its time i stopped being so free with it. people speak about morality in their life, and abiding by the moral principle... what moral is to follow the law. breaking the law isnt moral. but they do. breaking my respect for them is another act, they do it all by themselves. forget morality. they should start with maturity, and responsibility, lessons they should have learned by now in life.
and in the end, it all comes down to mutual respect to me. blantant disregard for the rules and policy they are supposed to be helping me support and create, and this.... this is how im respected by them, fully in my presence. again, the kids of this city pull at my shirt tail to keep me from taking them to the next step of maturity. i really want to give them the benefit of the doubt. i want to call them equals. i want to call them adults. i want to allow myself to be included with them. but that cant happen. not as long as i know what my neighbors do. that cant happen as long as these kids expect respect from me they arent deserving of. i used to wonder why i feel alone in this world. you always look at who is walking next to you. sometimes, you dont feel alone in where you go, infront of crowds or angry people, when there is someone beside you. they might be the only person next to you. but you can still feel alone even then. but nothing is worse, than when you think back to that one time when there was 1 + 1; and that +1, just walked away. that time, when there was two. now there is only one. is a sickly sweet secret you have to carry with you sometimes. its about keeping up appearances. making that empty stance next to someone; thats the appearance. but the respect... thats hard to keep up.
ain't it fun~
s.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak
" tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak.... somewhere in this town; see, me and the boys we dont like it so were gettin up and going down... hi and low, looking right to left... if you see us comming.. i thinks its best, to move away; do you hear what i say?. CHORUS - tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town. tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak, so dont you be around... "
no one has really ever heard of them... well unless i say their biggest song was "The Boys Are Back In Town", then no one has ever heard of them. too bad, lots of gooooodshhtuffff. why tonight? dunno.. seems like alot of stuff has been breaking loose lately, with ARH and related people, me? my classes are kicking my ass, plus i was really sick today and missed all of my classes. not much you can do, when you wake up screaming with a migrane headache, because your sinuses are sooo backed up... half blind i try to stumble out of bed before 8am; that doesnt work so well... im so dizzy that i fall off the bunk ladder.. about noon i wake up on the floor, in my boxers still, with a lump on my head... needless to say, standing up and walking was again difficult, and the headaches were still there... i struggled to the couch, and didnt wake up again until about 20 till 5pm. not good. i missed 2 classes i needed to be at; lets hope Prof David wont ream me for being gone, and i can catch up with latin that i missed. head is still sore... more mad about blacking out. it a scary thing to feel yourself falling six feet out of the air on to your head, but not feeling it, then not remember hitting the ground, or the next several hours. only comming to, on the ground in your underware.
" tonight theres gonna be trouble... some of us wont survive. see, the boys and me mean business, bustin out dead or alive... i can hear the hound-dogs on my trail, all hell breaks loose.. along with sirens wail... like a game if you loose, thats it..... CHORUS "
several viewers made IM comments about the last few posts, so i guess this blog will mainly be answering viewer mail... maybe this could quell it, in the order they were asked: no, it wasnt free verse or prose. yes it is based on my experiences. yes i have gotten a phone number to a pizza place, no it wasnt to Gumby's, yes it was to the Airliner. did that walking home alone business really happen to me alot, yeah more so that id probably like to admit.
on to other things.
another viewer asked me why i was so hostile to females at this age... making the assumption that my hostility and resentment towards them, more than likely fuels my 'singleness' more than anything else. my response; probably. really, do we want the things in life, which we hate most? id hope not. but arent we surrounded by the things in life which we hate most? yeah, arguably if we were not exposed to such things, we arent likely to have developed annimosity towards them. comparitively; yes i do want to be non-single, yes i realize that will only take place from those around me. someone else made the suggestion that maybe i bring all this on myself; that because of my job, my personality, etc; that makes me unapproachable and undesireable to females at large. thats an interesting point to make. thats now placing the blame squarely back on me; somehow that my current disposition, in accordance with every female ive ever met, or not met, now directly relies on my actions or outlook. since im in a generous mood, ill play along and conceed the possibility towards those whom i have met; but this falls apart quickly with those whom i havent met. purely, if ive never met you, how can my actions and past habits, known only by having a history with me, apply to you? even if by some means, that by making that initial contact in response to them, i could infuse all of my negativeness into their bank of knowledge; that still doesnt account for people not approaching me. see all of this knowledge would have to have been gained by contact with me. if i sit down and eat at the lunch counter and read the paper in the afternoon, as i often do, im still never approached by women. if i walk down the street with a stuipd-shit grin and fratboy shirt on; i still dont get smiles or looks from females. see what i mean?
then someone made the excellent point of: what kind of woman are you actually expecting to get, what is it you want in a potential girl? thats a good question. ill take it up next time as a blog probably. but, ive had this conversation several times with people, and with one friend in particular. she was pretty well able to tell me what she watned in a man, quality-wise, which i could gernerally match, but when it came to outward appearance and demanor, i drew a blank. ill hit this up for next blog, i promise!
lastly; someone randomly emailed me and asked if i ever planned on showing or posting my picture on this page. i can only assume the purpose would be to judge the whole 'outward appearance' issue. my answer for that, is no. why should i? see im damned if i do, and im damned if i dont. should i post the picture, and allow you to make your decision, and should you disagree with me, what then? similarly, why should i ruin it for those who would agree with me? why should i ruin it for anyone? if you do know me, then you do, youll formulate your own opinions... but for the rest of the world at large reading these; imagine me. imagine what you think a person like me would look like. hold that image in your minds eye each time you read my words... watch if it changes... watch if i come into more focus... watch if i blur away... just keep that image, and try to match it with my story, then see where it leads you.
ain't it fun~
s.
" tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak.... somewhere in this town; see, me and the boys we dont like it so were gettin up and going down... hi and low, looking right to left... if you see us comming.. i thinks its best, to move away; do you hear what i say?. CHORUS - tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak, somewhere in this town. tonight theres gonna be a jailbreak, so dont you be around... "
no one has really ever heard of them... well unless i say their biggest song was "The Boys Are Back In Town", then no one has ever heard of them. too bad, lots of gooooodshhtuffff. why tonight? dunno.. seems like alot of stuff has been breaking loose lately, with ARH and related people, me? my classes are kicking my ass, plus i was really sick today and missed all of my classes. not much you can do, when you wake up screaming with a migrane headache, because your sinuses are sooo backed up... half blind i try to stumble out of bed before 8am; that doesnt work so well... im so dizzy that i fall off the bunk ladder.. about noon i wake up on the floor, in my boxers still, with a lump on my head... needless to say, standing up and walking was again difficult, and the headaches were still there... i struggled to the couch, and didnt wake up again until about 20 till 5pm. not good. i missed 2 classes i needed to be at; lets hope Prof David wont ream me for being gone, and i can catch up with latin that i missed. head is still sore... more mad about blacking out. it a scary thing to feel yourself falling six feet out of the air on to your head, but not feeling it, then not remember hitting the ground, or the next several hours. only comming to, on the ground in your underware.
" tonight theres gonna be trouble... some of us wont survive. see, the boys and me mean business, bustin out dead or alive... i can hear the hound-dogs on my trail, all hell breaks loose.. along with sirens wail... like a game if you loose, thats it..... CHORUS "
several viewers made IM comments about the last few posts, so i guess this blog will mainly be answering viewer mail... maybe this could quell it, in the order they were asked: no, it wasnt free verse or prose. yes it is based on my experiences. yes i have gotten a phone number to a pizza place, no it wasnt to Gumby's, yes it was to the Airliner. did that walking home alone business really happen to me alot, yeah more so that id probably like to admit.
on to other things.
another viewer asked me why i was so hostile to females at this age... making the assumption that my hostility and resentment towards them, more than likely fuels my 'singleness' more than anything else. my response; probably. really, do we want the things in life, which we hate most? id hope not. but arent we surrounded by the things in life which we hate most? yeah, arguably if we were not exposed to such things, we arent likely to have developed annimosity towards them. comparitively; yes i do want to be non-single, yes i realize that will only take place from those around me. someone else made the suggestion that maybe i bring all this on myself; that because of my job, my personality, etc; that makes me unapproachable and undesireable to females at large. thats an interesting point to make. thats now placing the blame squarely back on me; somehow that my current disposition, in accordance with every female ive ever met, or not met, now directly relies on my actions or outlook. since im in a generous mood, ill play along and conceed the possibility towards those whom i have met; but this falls apart quickly with those whom i havent met. purely, if ive never met you, how can my actions and past habits, known only by having a history with me, apply to you? even if by some means, that by making that initial contact in response to them, i could infuse all of my negativeness into their bank of knowledge; that still doesnt account for people not approaching me. see all of this knowledge would have to have been gained by contact with me. if i sit down and eat at the lunch counter and read the paper in the afternoon, as i often do, im still never approached by women. if i walk down the street with a stuipd-shit grin and fratboy shirt on; i still dont get smiles or looks from females. see what i mean?
then someone made the excellent point of: what kind of woman are you actually expecting to get, what is it you want in a potential girl? thats a good question. ill take it up next time as a blog probably. but, ive had this conversation several times with people, and with one friend in particular. she was pretty well able to tell me what she watned in a man, quality-wise, which i could gernerally match, but when it came to outward appearance and demanor, i drew a blank. ill hit this up for next blog, i promise!
lastly; someone randomly emailed me and asked if i ever planned on showing or posting my picture on this page. i can only assume the purpose would be to judge the whole 'outward appearance' issue. my answer for that, is no. why should i? see im damned if i do, and im damned if i dont. should i post the picture, and allow you to make your decision, and should you disagree with me, what then? similarly, why should i ruin it for those who would agree with me? why should i ruin it for anyone? if you do know me, then you do, youll formulate your own opinions... but for the rest of the world at large reading these; imagine me. imagine what you think a person like me would look like. hold that image in your minds eye each time you read my words... watch if it changes... watch if i come into more focus... watch if i blur away... just keep that image, and try to match it with my story, then see where it leads you.
ain't it fun~
s.
Saturday, September 07, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Rolling Stones - Angie
angie is such a beautiful song. its an adjective i dont commonly use, but i think it fits the song very well.. even for people who [i duno why] wouldnt normally call themselves a fan of the 'Stones, this is one of the pure, classic balladesqe songs, that people will universally appreciate. no clue why i hit that one tonight... its just been awhile since ive heard it i guess... its one of those songs that just takes me back to an instant from the past, every time i hear it..
ive been trying to pull myself from this rut of blogging over women and relationships. thats probably blog worthy its self. im really not sure why. i guess the longer im here, the more i notice that everyone seems to have someone else, or atleast are able to pick up another with relative ease. despite my attempts, im still not one of those people who can just 'score the digits'; nor am i really one to have many in my stable to pick from. i guess thats what fascinates me more than anything i do, is what other people do. chiefly, the ability to whisk through relationships and people with such ease and certainty for what they do, with such little regard. i guess im not quite like that.
i used to sit and think and wonder when i got this way. yes, there was a time when i did enjoy going out, trying to pick up chicks, just hanging out with friends... but somewhere along the way that lost its fun. im sure anyone one of those nights in a lightless dive, covered in the filth of contempt of all women around me; might have lead it to tarnish, but not disappear. i used to have fond memories of doing that sort of thing... i can remember the half-drunk walks home, talking with my several friends.. some nights, they wouldnt all be with us on the walk home. sometimes they would get lucky. once or twice it was just me going home. but i cant remember a night where i made the walk to someone elses place. the conversations were allways upbeat, everyones excited, were all talking at once in raspy, shout-strained voices, telling each other about the girls we saw, counting the numbers they walked out with, or maybe the butt or boob they grabbed on the dance floor. that was the best part of the night really. just hearing everyone else reccount their night. being apart of the group that i never was a part of. we'd all laugh at the funny stories, or holler and yell at the bad ones. everyone would hand around high-fives for scoring the hot blondes phone number, and youd get a clap on the shoulder from the guy next to you when you struck out. that was what i thought it was about. for them maybe it wasnt. maybe it really was about getting the score, maybe it was about bragging up your story, maybe it was about pushing the envelope one step further to get the digits. i wouldnt know really. i think of all those nights, i maybe came up with 2 or three phone numbers. one was a pizza place, the other didnt work, and i think the other number was intended for a buddy that i must have [oops] kept for myself; but i never was a part of the scene. just holding someone elses place really. see, when it hit me what i was doing, someone else was their to fill the void. someone else in the group would be decoy or the looser for the night, thats how it works. and it was probably better that way. because that way, it floated around, it wasnt allways one person getting stuck with that chore. it wasnt me anymore.
ive had alot of that i guess, looking back over the years. its never intentional, it just happens that way, right? god that would be pretty depressing to think, that it never really worked out in one's favor out of all those trials. no, you tell yourself you had some limited success, and some off nights. but nothing more than happenstance. its easier to lie to yourself about things like that. pretty soon you find your self in mid lie, sitting at a bar, at the opposite end of the room from you friends. the lie is you wanted to be there in the first place. the truth is you know better. sometimes the lie could just be the hope that tonight was the big night. the truth is, that its just another friday night. sometimes the lie is pretty far away, like that girl on the other end of the dance floor that you are singling out for your approach... and sometimes the truth was pretty close, like when she brushes past you, mid sentence, to chase the cute guy that just went past... but thats a lie too. you know you just ended up like you allways have.
some of those nights, sitting on a bar stool with a Marlboro-light wasting away; you think to yourself; if only i was enjoying this, i wouldnt feel so bad. but your friends all waive to you, as two of them walk out into the cold night with girls on their arms. their thumbs up signs, cleverly flashed behind the backs of the girls, signify the passage of luck to you. once or twice that luck might fetch you a number to a pizza place across the street, or to disconnected phone. im sure all that luck, just piling up cashes in for something, someday. atleast thats what your buddies tell you on those cold walks home. sometimes thats a lie too. the truth is, you have to lie to yourself about that stuff sometimes. sometimes thats the only way to make it home on those walks by yourself.
ain't it fun~
s.
angie is such a beautiful song. its an adjective i dont commonly use, but i think it fits the song very well.. even for people who [i duno why] wouldnt normally call themselves a fan of the 'Stones, this is one of the pure, classic balladesqe songs, that people will universally appreciate. no clue why i hit that one tonight... its just been awhile since ive heard it i guess... its one of those songs that just takes me back to an instant from the past, every time i hear it..
ive been trying to pull myself from this rut of blogging over women and relationships. thats probably blog worthy its self. im really not sure why. i guess the longer im here, the more i notice that everyone seems to have someone else, or atleast are able to pick up another with relative ease. despite my attempts, im still not one of those people who can just 'score the digits'; nor am i really one to have many in my stable to pick from. i guess thats what fascinates me more than anything i do, is what other people do. chiefly, the ability to whisk through relationships and people with such ease and certainty for what they do, with such little regard. i guess im not quite like that.
i used to sit and think and wonder when i got this way. yes, there was a time when i did enjoy going out, trying to pick up chicks, just hanging out with friends... but somewhere along the way that lost its fun. im sure anyone one of those nights in a lightless dive, covered in the filth of contempt of all women around me; might have lead it to tarnish, but not disappear. i used to have fond memories of doing that sort of thing... i can remember the half-drunk walks home, talking with my several friends.. some nights, they wouldnt all be with us on the walk home. sometimes they would get lucky. once or twice it was just me going home. but i cant remember a night where i made the walk to someone elses place. the conversations were allways upbeat, everyones excited, were all talking at once in raspy, shout-strained voices, telling each other about the girls we saw, counting the numbers they walked out with, or maybe the butt or boob they grabbed on the dance floor. that was the best part of the night really. just hearing everyone else reccount their night. being apart of the group that i never was a part of. we'd all laugh at the funny stories, or holler and yell at the bad ones. everyone would hand around high-fives for scoring the hot blondes phone number, and youd get a clap on the shoulder from the guy next to you when you struck out. that was what i thought it was about. for them maybe it wasnt. maybe it really was about getting the score, maybe it was about bragging up your story, maybe it was about pushing the envelope one step further to get the digits. i wouldnt know really. i think of all those nights, i maybe came up with 2 or three phone numbers. one was a pizza place, the other didnt work, and i think the other number was intended for a buddy that i must have [oops] kept for myself; but i never was a part of the scene. just holding someone elses place really. see, when it hit me what i was doing, someone else was their to fill the void. someone else in the group would be decoy or the looser for the night, thats how it works. and it was probably better that way. because that way, it floated around, it wasnt allways one person getting stuck with that chore. it wasnt me anymore.
ive had alot of that i guess, looking back over the years. its never intentional, it just happens that way, right? god that would be pretty depressing to think, that it never really worked out in one's favor out of all those trials. no, you tell yourself you had some limited success, and some off nights. but nothing more than happenstance. its easier to lie to yourself about things like that. pretty soon you find your self in mid lie, sitting at a bar, at the opposite end of the room from you friends. the lie is you wanted to be there in the first place. the truth is you know better. sometimes the lie could just be the hope that tonight was the big night. the truth is, that its just another friday night. sometimes the lie is pretty far away, like that girl on the other end of the dance floor that you are singling out for your approach... and sometimes the truth was pretty close, like when she brushes past you, mid sentence, to chase the cute guy that just went past... but thats a lie too. you know you just ended up like you allways have.
some of those nights, sitting on a bar stool with a Marlboro-light wasting away; you think to yourself; if only i was enjoying this, i wouldnt feel so bad. but your friends all waive to you, as two of them walk out into the cold night with girls on their arms. their thumbs up signs, cleverly flashed behind the backs of the girls, signify the passage of luck to you. once or twice that luck might fetch you a number to a pizza place across the street, or to disconnected phone. im sure all that luck, just piling up cashes in for something, someday. atleast thats what your buddies tell you on those cold walks home. sometimes thats a lie too. the truth is, you have to lie to yourself about that stuff sometimes. sometimes thats the only way to make it home on those walks by yourself.
ain't it fun~
s.
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Current Musical Selection: GnR - "Madagascar"
***"i wont be told anymore... that ive been brought down in this storm, and left so far out from the shore... that i cant find my way back, my way, back anymore... forgive that they tore down my soul... bless them that they might grow old.. a dream thats forgotten may know, that its never too late.
yeah, i dont know quite what to say. today has been overly long, overly slow.. most of this week didnt seem too different from that... tomorrow isnt looking much better.. buts what lifes like when your 'driving the tractor on the drug farm' [Dave Wyndorf/Monster Magnet quote for those of you keeping score at home]. i dunno, everything seems to NEED to occupy my time... people dont seem to be acting very independantly. teachers are naggy as all hell; come on; in a gen ed. class, you cant honestly get mad at a class for not reading all 300 pages at this point, a week and a half into it. people and their fascinations man. people seem to be hitting the bong of self gratitude and mystic fortune. its a load of shit. as Staff Sgt Barnes says in Platoon: " drugs? i dont need that shit to cope with reality, fuck that, i am reality. "
someone asked me the other day about me... bless you! first time in quite, quite a long time anyone has actually asked scott as a person, whats scott like today, whats new with scott, what does scott think. unfortunately, it was some attractive girl from my law class, who, i didnt catch her name. i was talking to Failure about this the other day; my one class over in Boyd [the law school], which i originally had thought was going to be bad/horrible not what i wanted... is starting to shape up to my favorite. granted; liberal interps of international law is as appealing to me as a plate of cold pooh with a fork in it; but the class i like. really, durring discussion; its nice to have equals. again, granted, i am the undergrad in the 2L and 3Ls presence, and i should probably revere them, and sure i dont know what they do, my vocab isnt as exacting as theirs has become; but ideologically im running even or a head of them. when it comes to running through the how/whys of law/custom in the world; i seem to be knocking down the pins much faster than they are. the kids there are great. god knows how many fucking days ive eaten in burge, and not a soul has come up to me or said a thing. 2 days into the law class, im sitting at a table with 3 kids from class. we didnt share the same opinons, but we were all interested in what everyone else had to say. everyone was on an intellectual level. not only did i feel a part of that; but i felt right being a part of that. Prof. David, now calls on me by name [she isnt doing that with law students shes had for years] and she often asks me for my opinion, in a non-lets-see-if-he-read-the-material way; but more of an inquisitive; 'so what do you make of all that mr alvarado' aside from the assloads of work in preptime that class requires, its rapidly becomming my favorite hour of the day. then. at 2:10, im forced to leave that world... to stomp away from it all, back to the bus stop with random undergrads. minutes before, we were hottly contesting the feasability of international law when applied to the individual level; and its use as a valid legal source.... then; im amidst the whores, vagrants, and the rest of the undergrads; over hearing tales of woe at Malones, or other random shit bars. why johnny is so hot, why doesnt he call me back? half a phone conversation-- "yeah ill give you a blowjob tonight" [the girl on the phone is serious]. no more functionality, no more tests of my knowledge and reasoning. just a test of my paitence in this world.
yes yes, i realize ive not finished my thoughts on marriage; they will be completed!!! not tonight either.... this weekend, yes! several of my loyal viewers have asked me about that, and what i think about the whole thing... be paitient... im forced to, you can too.
***" so many times that ive seen life before me... i searched and foudn the way to choose the end; i found a way, to know, why that had to be? Mired in denial and saw all the rain.... if we ever find it true, love will have its way to choose. three more to tame, we can be ever-... ----but i wont be told anymore [etc.]"
a litter viewer mail came in today that id like to share:
" Dood your blog rules! Its nice to see somebody out there that can give it to you straight up and knows the world is way beyond fucked up. Humans are the universe's biggest mistake. " -JB
well thanks JB, im glad you took the chance to write in. im not sure that humans are the worlds biggest mistake; but i do have a running shortlist of those that would exemplify your point. the world tho... interesting idea... im not sure if its the world thats fucked up initially, or its assholes that have screwed it up for the rest of us. no doubt that humans have helped it along in several instances. but thank you again for the comment; i pride myself on being the "straight shooter" as Bill referred to me off-handedly the other day. people make too many complications as it is, to worry about adding superflous extravigancies to it. give the truth. if you cant handle it; thats not my fault; but atleast stop lying to yourselves about it all.
another random comment; appearantly someone has taken some offense to some comments i cited in an entry or so back about a person/friendship gone downhill... or so its made its way through the grapevine to me. again, hit up rule #1 for my blog, if you dont like it -- walk on brotha. i suppose i will say this: what i did say was fairly inflammatory... yes maybe by design it was; but im not appologizing for my opinions. ive seen enough, met enough people, that im confident in my ability to make judgement calls... i made one when i decided to post that. again, this is my personal space, which i graciously invited you to read; try not to be offended if you still havent realized why its pretty one-sided.
eh.. what the hell.. ill revist the marriage thing...
if you recall, i left off somewhere around this point"
" marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is --i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above. "
really i do. ive yet to ever hear a girl compliment me on my looks. not once in my nearly 22 years of dealings with women; has one, just one; said-- "you know, your really cute." or " i think your cute". i dont get that. i do get; "go away your weird" "dont you shut up" [laughter] in response to asking girls out on dates. notice, ive never been dealt a "your not too bad" or " your un-ugly" or "im not going into convulsions while looking at you"; nothing even suggesting an approach towards normaility; no, what i do get is the extra special treatment of distaste. so what? well, that applies to my quick fix theory. it wouldnt be possible for me to sell drugs, if i dont have a 'Didy of grass to push. you cant expect to anything if the shelves are barren. again, so what? good point. people like to argue, the other fish in the sea; the youll find some one eventually, etc. similar arguments... which ofcourse isnt true. marriage/committment revolves around a central idea of mutual attraction. minus the mutual attraction, your just nothing more than run-of-the-mill relationship. this isnt to say ive never met a girl that i wasnt attracted to... quite the contrary. ive met, many, many girls that are overly attractive. even some that id definitely consider marriage to be valid.. not only someone atttractive to me physically, but mentally and emotionally. its never been there for me. i suppose there could exist a magical one girl that would somehow find me attractive, stimulating etc. but thats a pretty bad argument to put stock into. if you do that, your setting your self up for alot more stress.. relying on only one pure, select, prime choice; means thats it. only one, single, un, thats it. so what happens when you fuck it up? your done. what happens if she fucks it up? your done. stupid argument. its something you tell to kids that cant deal with the reality, or shouldnt have to yet [ie younger kids, kids with wretched acne, etc] but allways along the lines of the ugly duckling story. thats not the case here. scott can surely qualify for the ugly duckling portion of the story; but not as a duckling. im past the age of maturity. im old enough to see the cards that have been dealt to me. had i figured on working my way through life on good looks alone, id have need some cosmetic surgery a while ago. but i digress... the point im making is this.. there isnt someone for everyone. in this country, more and more every day; people spend their whole lives single. never having anyone. how do the 'duckling story' proponnents account for that? ... i guess this is really a bit gripey.. but really, i never thought of myself as that disgustingly disfigured a person as to warrant my current situation. but, thats where all this head back to; its not about what i think; again, ive seen how and whom i would be happy with, ive seen what id like; but no one is saying that about me. see, its again fixed on the concept of mutual attraction. thats what shoots down the 'deal' of the quick fix dating for me.
second thing to consider is the playing down to the level of those around me. granted, if by act of God, im stricken as the last, best example of good looks on this earth; id be constrained to choose upon whats around me. so what to pick? obviously you want the reddest apple, the freshest of the fruit; but what happens when the fruit in the garden isnt all that choice? what happens when there isnt a best alternative? what happens what you dont see a damn thing you want? despite their good looks, most of the females in this area and age group would be rejected by me. not that im picky... but none of them have grown up. their fixation is still within the realm of instant gratification; they want, they get. ive got the itch, by god im going to scratch it... as soper and i joke, its not about the "indulgence"--- because its only "experimentation" see, girls expect the respect and due process [so to speak] of a mature relationship; but what do they engage in? bar crawls, random rampant sex, insufficient as far as maturity goes... maturity should mean youve passed up those things for something more lasting, something more gratifying... ie- a mutually productive and compassionate relationship. but instead they focus on these attempts of 'matur-ING', namely to become mature is to fullfill every step of immaturity... granted, its begging the point of circular definition, but thats the point. until that circle stops, nothings changing. how should they expect to incurr a real, sustainable relationship, when they are fulling it based on the problems and practices of a bad, unsustainable one? if tommy, mike, dan, and clarke are jerks that you met at a bar, why are you still looking in the bars for someone different? if you want someone to honestly love you for who you are; why continue relationships with people who love you for what you look like? you dip your hands in the fountain of failure, and cry when your hands are wetted by its properties. so you dig and scratch at the bottom of that jagged fountain, clawing away for that one shinny quarter, you think has to be there; clawing and straining until your fingers are raw and scarred; yet you think that whatever prize you liberate is special? what has that left you in the process? and what have you really ended up with for your troubles and heartache. so tell me again, why its important for me to dip into this? tell me why in the name of relationships i should have to go through that, for such a little prize, at such great cost? for me, that would mean dealing with those who potentially will only hurt me. they havent learned the lessons that i have, they will make the mistakes that i will avoid, so why is that fair for me to endure that for their sake? again; none of this would be for me. what would be for me? someone who genuinely wants to be around me; who doesnt mind me being me; maybe she doesnt have to praise me every step of the way [but that would be cool!], but someone who is actually looking to have someone else, but not in the transient way. im not going to find that here. what i do find here are the Fixers. the girls in skirts with 5 inch inseams.. the girls that go to class dressed with one boob hanging out... girls that wear thong underwear flossed up their nether regions, prominently on display, just for the purpose of attention at dinner. i find girls who break up with boyfriends because they think they have a right to sleep with some guy they found at bar, if the boyfriend never finds out. i find lots of girls here couldnt care less about another person, if that involves 'hang ups'; ie - not going to the bar when they want, not wearing underwear for clothes in public, or similar 'controlling' restrictions. i suppose if your one of those people that are looking for all of this... this is a veritable smorgasboard. but thats not what i want. the simple, basic relationship, minus immaturity; will forever elude me as long as i can see.
meh.. thats enough for now.. ill continue it this weekend...
aint it fun~
s.
*** all quoted material comes transcribbed from my ear, listening to the lyrics of Madagascar, by GnR.
***"i wont be told anymore... that ive been brought down in this storm, and left so far out from the shore... that i cant find my way back, my way, back anymore... forgive that they tore down my soul... bless them that they might grow old.. a dream thats forgotten may know, that its never too late.
yeah, i dont know quite what to say. today has been overly long, overly slow.. most of this week didnt seem too different from that... tomorrow isnt looking much better.. buts what lifes like when your 'driving the tractor on the drug farm' [Dave Wyndorf/Monster Magnet quote for those of you keeping score at home]. i dunno, everything seems to NEED to occupy my time... people dont seem to be acting very independantly. teachers are naggy as all hell; come on; in a gen ed. class, you cant honestly get mad at a class for not reading all 300 pages at this point, a week and a half into it. people and their fascinations man. people seem to be hitting the bong of self gratitude and mystic fortune. its a load of shit. as Staff Sgt Barnes says in Platoon: " drugs? i dont need that shit to cope with reality, fuck that, i am reality. "
someone asked me the other day about me... bless you! first time in quite, quite a long time anyone has actually asked scott as a person, whats scott like today, whats new with scott, what does scott think. unfortunately, it was some attractive girl from my law class, who, i didnt catch her name. i was talking to Failure about this the other day; my one class over in Boyd [the law school], which i originally had thought was going to be bad/horrible not what i wanted... is starting to shape up to my favorite. granted; liberal interps of international law is as appealing to me as a plate of cold pooh with a fork in it; but the class i like. really, durring discussion; its nice to have equals. again, granted, i am the undergrad in the 2L and 3Ls presence, and i should probably revere them, and sure i dont know what they do, my vocab isnt as exacting as theirs has become; but ideologically im running even or a head of them. when it comes to running through the how/whys of law/custom in the world; i seem to be knocking down the pins much faster than they are. the kids there are great. god knows how many fucking days ive eaten in burge, and not a soul has come up to me or said a thing. 2 days into the law class, im sitting at a table with 3 kids from class. we didnt share the same opinons, but we were all interested in what everyone else had to say. everyone was on an intellectual level. not only did i feel a part of that; but i felt right being a part of that. Prof. David, now calls on me by name [she isnt doing that with law students shes had for years] and she often asks me for my opinion, in a non-lets-see-if-he-read-the-material way; but more of an inquisitive; 'so what do you make of all that mr alvarado' aside from the assloads of work in preptime that class requires, its rapidly becomming my favorite hour of the day. then. at 2:10, im forced to leave that world... to stomp away from it all, back to the bus stop with random undergrads. minutes before, we were hottly contesting the feasability of international law when applied to the individual level; and its use as a valid legal source.... then; im amidst the whores, vagrants, and the rest of the undergrads; over hearing tales of woe at Malones, or other random shit bars. why johnny is so hot, why doesnt he call me back? half a phone conversation-- "yeah ill give you a blowjob tonight" [the girl on the phone is serious]. no more functionality, no more tests of my knowledge and reasoning. just a test of my paitence in this world.
yes yes, i realize ive not finished my thoughts on marriage; they will be completed!!! not tonight either.... this weekend, yes! several of my loyal viewers have asked me about that, and what i think about the whole thing... be paitient... im forced to, you can too.
***" so many times that ive seen life before me... i searched and foudn the way to choose the end; i found a way, to know, why that had to be? Mired in denial and saw all the rain.... if we ever find it true, love will have its way to choose. three more to tame, we can be ever-... ----but i wont be told anymore [etc.]"
a litter viewer mail came in today that id like to share:
" Dood your blog rules! Its nice to see somebody out there that can give it to you straight up and knows the world is way beyond fucked up. Humans are the universe's biggest mistake. " -JB
well thanks JB, im glad you took the chance to write in. im not sure that humans are the worlds biggest mistake; but i do have a running shortlist of those that would exemplify your point. the world tho... interesting idea... im not sure if its the world thats fucked up initially, or its assholes that have screwed it up for the rest of us. no doubt that humans have helped it along in several instances. but thank you again for the comment; i pride myself on being the "straight shooter" as Bill referred to me off-handedly the other day. people make too many complications as it is, to worry about adding superflous extravigancies to it. give the truth. if you cant handle it; thats not my fault; but atleast stop lying to yourselves about it all.
another random comment; appearantly someone has taken some offense to some comments i cited in an entry or so back about a person/friendship gone downhill... or so its made its way through the grapevine to me. again, hit up rule #1 for my blog, if you dont like it -- walk on brotha. i suppose i will say this: what i did say was fairly inflammatory... yes maybe by design it was; but im not appologizing for my opinions. ive seen enough, met enough people, that im confident in my ability to make judgement calls... i made one when i decided to post that. again, this is my personal space, which i graciously invited you to read; try not to be offended if you still havent realized why its pretty one-sided.
eh.. what the hell.. ill revist the marriage thing...
if you recall, i left off somewhere around this point"
" marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is --i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above. "
really i do. ive yet to ever hear a girl compliment me on my looks. not once in my nearly 22 years of dealings with women; has one, just one; said-- "you know, your really cute." or " i think your cute". i dont get that. i do get; "go away your weird" "dont you shut up" [laughter] in response to asking girls out on dates. notice, ive never been dealt a "your not too bad" or " your un-ugly" or "im not going into convulsions while looking at you"; nothing even suggesting an approach towards normaility; no, what i do get is the extra special treatment of distaste. so what? well, that applies to my quick fix theory. it wouldnt be possible for me to sell drugs, if i dont have a 'Didy of grass to push. you cant expect to anything if the shelves are barren. again, so what? good point. people like to argue, the other fish in the sea; the youll find some one eventually, etc. similar arguments... which ofcourse isnt true. marriage/committment revolves around a central idea of mutual attraction. minus the mutual attraction, your just nothing more than run-of-the-mill relationship. this isnt to say ive never met a girl that i wasnt attracted to... quite the contrary. ive met, many, many girls that are overly attractive. even some that id definitely consider marriage to be valid.. not only someone atttractive to me physically, but mentally and emotionally. its never been there for me. i suppose there could exist a magical one girl that would somehow find me attractive, stimulating etc. but thats a pretty bad argument to put stock into. if you do that, your setting your self up for alot more stress.. relying on only one pure, select, prime choice; means thats it. only one, single, un, thats it. so what happens when you fuck it up? your done. what happens if she fucks it up? your done. stupid argument. its something you tell to kids that cant deal with the reality, or shouldnt have to yet [ie younger kids, kids with wretched acne, etc] but allways along the lines of the ugly duckling story. thats not the case here. scott can surely qualify for the ugly duckling portion of the story; but not as a duckling. im past the age of maturity. im old enough to see the cards that have been dealt to me. had i figured on working my way through life on good looks alone, id have need some cosmetic surgery a while ago. but i digress... the point im making is this.. there isnt someone for everyone. in this country, more and more every day; people spend their whole lives single. never having anyone. how do the 'duckling story' proponnents account for that? ... i guess this is really a bit gripey.. but really, i never thought of myself as that disgustingly disfigured a person as to warrant my current situation. but, thats where all this head back to; its not about what i think; again, ive seen how and whom i would be happy with, ive seen what id like; but no one is saying that about me. see, its again fixed on the concept of mutual attraction. thats what shoots down the 'deal' of the quick fix dating for me.
second thing to consider is the playing down to the level of those around me. granted, if by act of God, im stricken as the last, best example of good looks on this earth; id be constrained to choose upon whats around me. so what to pick? obviously you want the reddest apple, the freshest of the fruit; but what happens when the fruit in the garden isnt all that choice? what happens when there isnt a best alternative? what happens what you dont see a damn thing you want? despite their good looks, most of the females in this area and age group would be rejected by me. not that im picky... but none of them have grown up. their fixation is still within the realm of instant gratification; they want, they get. ive got the itch, by god im going to scratch it... as soper and i joke, its not about the "indulgence"--- because its only "experimentation" see, girls expect the respect and due process [so to speak] of a mature relationship; but what do they engage in? bar crawls, random rampant sex, insufficient as far as maturity goes... maturity should mean youve passed up those things for something more lasting, something more gratifying... ie- a mutually productive and compassionate relationship. but instead they focus on these attempts of 'matur-ING', namely to become mature is to fullfill every step of immaturity... granted, its begging the point of circular definition, but thats the point. until that circle stops, nothings changing. how should they expect to incurr a real, sustainable relationship, when they are fulling it based on the problems and practices of a bad, unsustainable one? if tommy, mike, dan, and clarke are jerks that you met at a bar, why are you still looking in the bars for someone different? if you want someone to honestly love you for who you are; why continue relationships with people who love you for what you look like? you dip your hands in the fountain of failure, and cry when your hands are wetted by its properties. so you dig and scratch at the bottom of that jagged fountain, clawing away for that one shinny quarter, you think has to be there; clawing and straining until your fingers are raw and scarred; yet you think that whatever prize you liberate is special? what has that left you in the process? and what have you really ended up with for your troubles and heartache. so tell me again, why its important for me to dip into this? tell me why in the name of relationships i should have to go through that, for such a little prize, at such great cost? for me, that would mean dealing with those who potentially will only hurt me. they havent learned the lessons that i have, they will make the mistakes that i will avoid, so why is that fair for me to endure that for their sake? again; none of this would be for me. what would be for me? someone who genuinely wants to be around me; who doesnt mind me being me; maybe she doesnt have to praise me every step of the way [but that would be cool!], but someone who is actually looking to have someone else, but not in the transient way. im not going to find that here. what i do find here are the Fixers. the girls in skirts with 5 inch inseams.. the girls that go to class dressed with one boob hanging out... girls that wear thong underwear flossed up their nether regions, prominently on display, just for the purpose of attention at dinner. i find girls who break up with boyfriends because they think they have a right to sleep with some guy they found at bar, if the boyfriend never finds out. i find lots of girls here couldnt care less about another person, if that involves 'hang ups'; ie - not going to the bar when they want, not wearing underwear for clothes in public, or similar 'controlling' restrictions. i suppose if your one of those people that are looking for all of this... this is a veritable smorgasboard. but thats not what i want. the simple, basic relationship, minus immaturity; will forever elude me as long as i can see.
meh.. thats enough for now.. ill continue it this weekend...
aint it fun~
s.
*** all quoted material comes transcribbed from my ear, listening to the lyrics of Madagascar, by GnR.
Friday, August 30, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Elvis - I Can't Help Falling In Love
dont ask me why... for what ever reason i dug that song out. somewhere in the halls today i heard someone play the UB40 version of the song, that was popular about 10 years ago; i decided to pull out the earliest version i knew of it... plus its the King man.
i was thinking about that the other day, sitting in class; listening to the prof's calling role; and some girl had to correct the prof, that her name changed- she got married over the summer.. scary. marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above.
unfortunately my eyes are really tired tonight.. ill finish the thoughts on marriage tomorrow..
ain't it fun~
s.
dont ask me why... for what ever reason i dug that song out. somewhere in the halls today i heard someone play the UB40 version of the song, that was popular about 10 years ago; i decided to pull out the earliest version i knew of it... plus its the King man.
i was thinking about that the other day, sitting in class; listening to the prof's calling role; and some girl had to correct the prof, that her name changed- she got married over the summer.. scary. marriage is something, i guess conceptually i like. i think the whole ideal would work well with me. i tend not to like states of flux; id rather have everything moderately predictable. the dating trend can be rut-able enough for me to like; but not at this stage. girls arent into that. ive realized that girls would rather do whatever they please, with no restrictions, no ties, just do whatever; almost rather than having a steady, mature, adult relationship. and me, being surrounded on an island of underage, and undermatured girls; im predicting that nothings going to change in the near future either. honestly it would be a bit too self righteous and condescending of me, to expect the entire population of females around me to change, and move up to my level. i should probably just admit the allternative is true; that is i cant play down to their level. really thats what it is. not only am i exercising the restraint to attempt to play that level, i also dont think im equiped to. everything seems to be centered around the quick fix. the heroin of dating i suppose... the care-free attitude, good looks, drug/alcohol induced state, and similar drive to get the other person. i lack all of the above.
unfortunately my eyes are really tired tonight.. ill finish the thoughts on marriage tomorrow..
ain't it fun~
s.
Monday, August 26, 2002
Current Musical Selection: Tool - Sober
" i am just a worthless liar. i am just and imbecile. i will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will find the center of it all. i will chew it up and bleed. "
people and their 'tudes man... what can i say. people and their fucking 'tudes.. someone throws a fit, all about their life... how everything is depressing, makes stupid comments about poking things and causing physical pain... its all a cry out for attention and help. as cold as i am, im not stone; i realize that someone probably wants to atleast talk about whats going on. so i do. i play the compassionate friend role. i open my mouth at one point, shut down. appearantly this is a case, 'woe is me, dont stop my whinning rant'. i excuse myself for the intrusion, and in the name of compassion, again, i sit and listen to everything they have to say. really listen. ask questions about what else is going on, to get a better idea of why they are so frustrated. i listen, i try to empathize with them, try to be the good person, make myself available to them and their plight... just in general trying to be a good friend for someone in need, right? doing the good thing. doing the right thing, doing the christian way of treating people; dealing with them the way id wish them to deal with me. i say one thing, then i hear "uh huh, and then you can just fuck off" then im blocked. 3 mistakes made here on my part.. 1-this isnt the first time this person has done this to me; each time tho, i do the right thing, and try to befriend them... thats my mistake 2- i guess i shouldnt care about them; you know what i know i shouldnt; anyone who is that insecure, that fickle, and that naive really has no business talking to me. the problems they are revolving around, involve shit like marriage to someone they arent even in a relationship with... in fact its all post-fact; they are done, over split, gone; and still they drive themselve insane over nothing. because thats all they have nothing. my fault: mistaking this for a genuine problem. people need to grow the fuck up, and move the fuck on. i have. 3- i listend to her. shouldnt have done that.... her mistake: thinking she gets away with shit like that; FUCK YOU. fuck your pathetic life, fuck you, fuck how you think everything is so big and right, fuck your dreams, fuck what you want. id slit your fucking throat just to shit down it, if this is how you plan on making it through life treating people. using people just to hear your fucking crap, then after all of that, someone is nice and trusting, and is trying to be a genuinely good person, and being there for you; thats how you treat them.. fuck you. when your read this MD, fuck the hell off. fuck you and your life; i dont need your shit, so get your melodramatic lies and grumblings off my porch... never, never bring that kind of shit to my doorstep every again, and treat someone like that. ever.
" i am just a worthless liar. i am just and imbecile. i will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will find the center of it all. i will chew it up and bleed. "
people and their 'tudes man... what can i say. people and their fucking 'tudes.. someone throws a fit, all about their life... how everything is depressing, makes stupid comments about poking things and causing physical pain... its all a cry out for attention and help. as cold as i am, im not stone; i realize that someone probably wants to atleast talk about whats going on. so i do. i play the compassionate friend role. i open my mouth at one point, shut down. appearantly this is a case, 'woe is me, dont stop my whinning rant'. i excuse myself for the intrusion, and in the name of compassion, again, i sit and listen to everything they have to say. really listen. ask questions about what else is going on, to get a better idea of why they are so frustrated. i listen, i try to empathize with them, try to be the good person, make myself available to them and their plight... just in general trying to be a good friend for someone in need, right? doing the good thing. doing the right thing, doing the christian way of treating people; dealing with them the way id wish them to deal with me. i say one thing, then i hear "uh huh, and then you can just fuck off" then im blocked. 3 mistakes made here on my part.. 1-this isnt the first time this person has done this to me; each time tho, i do the right thing, and try to befriend them... thats my mistake 2- i guess i shouldnt care about them; you know what i know i shouldnt; anyone who is that insecure, that fickle, and that naive really has no business talking to me. the problems they are revolving around, involve shit like marriage to someone they arent even in a relationship with... in fact its all post-fact; they are done, over split, gone; and still they drive themselve insane over nothing. because thats all they have nothing. my fault: mistaking this for a genuine problem. people need to grow the fuck up, and move the fuck on. i have. 3- i listend to her. shouldnt have done that.... her mistake: thinking she gets away with shit like that; FUCK YOU. fuck your pathetic life, fuck you, fuck how you think everything is so big and right, fuck your dreams, fuck what you want. id slit your fucking throat just to shit down it, if this is how you plan on making it through life treating people. using people just to hear your fucking crap, then after all of that, someone is nice and trusting, and is trying to be a genuinely good person, and being there for you; thats how you treat them.. fuck you. when your read this MD, fuck the hell off. fuck you and your life; i dont need your shit, so get your melodramatic lies and grumblings off my porch... never, never bring that kind of shit to my doorstep every again, and treat someone like that. ever.
Sunday, August 25, 2002
Current Musical Selection: GnR Lies album
well its 2:39am... and im still awake. i really thought i was going to stick with the practice of going to bed early this year... but all that has seemingly vanished before classes have even started... speaking of started, my day starts with people banging on my door to wake me up the past two days.. the only thing worse than waking up in the morning is being woken up. so much seems to be going on around here, yet nothing really is... i guess its difficult to describe to someone. each day starts as boring and as pointless as the day before, but each night ends more hurried and exhausted as the night before.
i guess i do rag on and on about the [im]maturity of kids in college these days, but tonight again shows me glimpses of where i may be wrong... while on drunk detail [moving and policing drunk friends from Point A to Point B], they both are oogling over girls passing by. to be honest i was too, but each of them starts proclaiming their fairly primitive carnal desires. after suggesting that they just talk to a group of girls [who were arguably more drunk than they were] they stop me. i was told, that they dont want some easy score drunk bar girls, instead they want a real girlfriend. im puzzled by that. i quite honestly, wasnt expecting to hear an answer like that; not that it stops them from making the predictable comments and gawking, just that even in their states of enbitterment and intoxication; they give me a singularly lucid thought. frankly one i agree with. unfortunately, they spent the remainder of the walk talking about their need for 'pussy' and immediate sources of affection. so much for that moment.
its funny to hear everyone talk about things like that. everyone seems to have these similar, nearly lofty ambitions for themselves. the golden dream as i think of it. which isnt such a bad thing really, i guess we all need hopes and dreams, but they all seem to push the severity of their crisis and situtation. tonight i heard several times the moans and groans of 'ohhh man i really need a woman' 'ohhh its been so long since i had a girl' plus random stories and memories of past relationships. again, in turn, every story is met with its pairing of me needing mine. often the halfassed solutions they produced, revolved around me appearantly aquiring a girl for them. again citing the urgency of past down time. its probably just human reaction im sure. although i dont think i get that way, not any more. i suppose there was a time where i was angry, frustrated and just looking for someone to bail me out of the problem in a jiffy. someone that could just magically move heaven and earth, and provide what i wanted. but im not that way any more. ive gotten old. ive gotten grounded in the world around me. i dont ask for women anymore. why ask for what you cant have, and thats been proven to me time after time. i guess all that i ask for, is that i can live my existence and be done with it. someone complained to me tonight, that they havent had someone of the opposite sex show interest in them in 4 months. boo fucking hoo. guess what, wanna know the last time a girl showed interest in me? never! absolutely never in my life, has a girl told me im cute, funny, desireable or express an attempt to want to date me. never, zilch, nada, none. four months must be real rough people. id hate to see you try four years, let alone fourteen years... right in the very gullet of those formative years; those years right when everyone has dates, everyone is doing everyone else. no, you try going dateless through them all, you try your luck at being shunned by the local female community, you just sit and try to tell me what it would be like for you to get turned down by 5 girls in 2 years to your prom. then you tell me something about going crazy without attention. im going on multiple years, approaching decades; and yet i dont bother anyone else with that. again, people today, i think, really are lacking a sense of grounding. everything revolves around them, and how melodramatic they can up play "me" i dont go around dumping questions without answers, or solutions to illogical problems on people. maybe thats why im different... maybe thats why im the one sitting down here on the keyboard, and they are the ones living such the vicarious existence. what a fucking waste of time.
ain't it fun~
s.
well its 2:39am... and im still awake. i really thought i was going to stick with the practice of going to bed early this year... but all that has seemingly vanished before classes have even started... speaking of started, my day starts with people banging on my door to wake me up the past two days.. the only thing worse than waking up in the morning is being woken up. so much seems to be going on around here, yet nothing really is... i guess its difficult to describe to someone. each day starts as boring and as pointless as the day before, but each night ends more hurried and exhausted as the night before.
i guess i do rag on and on about the [im]maturity of kids in college these days, but tonight again shows me glimpses of where i may be wrong... while on drunk detail [moving and policing drunk friends from Point A to Point B], they both are oogling over girls passing by. to be honest i was too, but each of them starts proclaiming their fairly primitive carnal desires. after suggesting that they just talk to a group of girls [who were arguably more drunk than they were] they stop me. i was told, that they dont want some easy score drunk bar girls, instead they want a real girlfriend. im puzzled by that. i quite honestly, wasnt expecting to hear an answer like that; not that it stops them from making the predictable comments and gawking, just that even in their states of enbitterment and intoxication; they give me a singularly lucid thought. frankly one i agree with. unfortunately, they spent the remainder of the walk talking about their need for 'pussy' and immediate sources of affection. so much for that moment.
its funny to hear everyone talk about things like that. everyone seems to have these similar, nearly lofty ambitions for themselves. the golden dream as i think of it. which isnt such a bad thing really, i guess we all need hopes and dreams, but they all seem to push the severity of their crisis and situtation. tonight i heard several times the moans and groans of 'ohhh man i really need a woman' 'ohhh its been so long since i had a girl' plus random stories and memories of past relationships. again, in turn, every story is met with its pairing of me needing mine. often the halfassed solutions they produced, revolved around me appearantly aquiring a girl for them. again citing the urgency of past down time. its probably just human reaction im sure. although i dont think i get that way, not any more. i suppose there was a time where i was angry, frustrated and just looking for someone to bail me out of the problem in a jiffy. someone that could just magically move heaven and earth, and provide what i wanted. but im not that way any more. ive gotten old. ive gotten grounded in the world around me. i dont ask for women anymore. why ask for what you cant have, and thats been proven to me time after time. i guess all that i ask for, is that i can live my existence and be done with it. someone complained to me tonight, that they havent had someone of the opposite sex show interest in them in 4 months. boo fucking hoo. guess what, wanna know the last time a girl showed interest in me? never! absolutely never in my life, has a girl told me im cute, funny, desireable or express an attempt to want to date me. never, zilch, nada, none. four months must be real rough people. id hate to see you try four years, let alone fourteen years... right in the very gullet of those formative years; those years right when everyone has dates, everyone is doing everyone else. no, you try going dateless through them all, you try your luck at being shunned by the local female community, you just sit and try to tell me what it would be like for you to get turned down by 5 girls in 2 years to your prom. then you tell me something about going crazy without attention. im going on multiple years, approaching decades; and yet i dont bother anyone else with that. again, people today, i think, really are lacking a sense of grounding. everything revolves around them, and how melodramatic they can up play "me" i dont go around dumping questions without answers, or solutions to illogical problems on people. maybe thats why im different... maybe thats why im the one sitting down here on the keyboard, and they are the ones living such the vicarious existence. what a fucking waste of time.
ain't it fun~
s.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)